Shadow Paper Mario: Rods of the Crystal Stars

By Shady Parakoopa

Shadow Mario: *sniff* Last time… we didn’t get the wand!

He starts crying. Creepy music starts to play as Bowser Jr. walks onstage.

Bowser Jr: You are about to enter any alternate reality, where the good is evil and the evil is lame. Where fun is lame and lame is even lamer. Welcome… to the Lame Zone.

Shady: That’s the last time I’m wasting the special effects money on you.

Bowser Jr: But this is real life.

Shady: Then who’s playing that music?

The music changes to Twilight Zone music.

Shadow Mario: While we try to figure this out, you enjoy the FF.

Bowser Jr: Ok.

Chapter 6: Yux, a Detective? Get out

As soon as they recover from going Ludicrous speed in .1 second, they sell the pirate gear off on eBay, then head back to Bowser’s underground base.

*Bowser Jr: Dad! I’m home!

Bowser: Shut up, you worthless sack of…

The shock collar on Bowser shocks him until he can’t remember his wife’s face.

Bowser: I was going to say sack of money. Wait, I have a wife?

Koopa Kid: Yes, you do, Master Bowser, sir.

*Bowser Jr: Suck up.

Bowser: Can we do this another time? I need to get some rest after having to swim all the way back here from an island I happened to land on.

Koopa Kid: Actually, I did the swimming, but Bowser, sir, can claim all the fame if he wants.

Yux: Shut up, clone.

Koopa Kid: Yes, Mister Yux.

Max: And get us some sodas.

Koopa Kid: Yes, Mister Max.

Rusty: Coke for me.

Clefy: Diet Peps,i please… NOW!

Shadow Mario: You do need to lose some pounds.

She somehow jumps up and curses both Shadow Mario and me. Ow.

Bowser: Where are all these guys coming from?

*Bowser Jr: I have no idea.

Bowser: How’s Wendy?

*Bowser Jr: I think, she was captured by Mario.

Bowser does a little victory dance.

*Bowser Jr: So where to next?

Bowser: One moment.

He snaps his fingers together. Koopa Kid quickly brings in their drinks, then brings Bowser some soundproof head phones.

Bowser: Ok, I want you to check on Morton.

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The Base crumbles and Bowser’s headphones and ears blow up.

Bowser: It burns! It burns!!!

Koopa Kid: I’ll take you to the hospital right away, sir.

And he does.

Max: Wait, he forgot to tell us where Morton was.

Yux: It’s quite elementary, my dear random boy. He is in Poshley Heights.

Rusty: How on Plit do you know?

He turns to a sign labeled, “Morton will be staying at Poshley Heights at the moment so all travel to Poshley Heights is highly recommended to be avoided.”

Rusty: Oh.

Clefy: There’s only one way to Poshley Heights, and that’s by the Excess Express.

Shadow Mario: Dang, tickets to that train are expensive, just like every thing else in this world.

Toad: Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs! Only one tattle book that author keeps on forgetting to put down each chapter of a worthless FF!

Max: I know a sale when I hear one.

He gives the Toad the book. Toad gives him a hotdog, then disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Max: Okay then.

He takes a bite but then breaks his teeth on a golden ticket.

Max: Ow.

Rusty: Who would leave a golden ticket inside a hotdog?

Lakitu: I’ll give you a pass onto the Excess Express if you give me that ticket.

Max: Sold!

As they trade items, a TV reporter appears and starts asking the Lakitu questions.

TV Reporter: You’ve found the golden ticket! How do you feel now that you are a billionaire?

Lakitu: I feel like nothing can go wrong now!

*Bowser Jr is seen holding back Max, who is trying to kill the Lakitu. The others are watching and not helping because they have no arms. Come to think of it, how do they hold stuff if they don’t have arms? They must have telekinesis or something. Rusty, Yux, and Clefy are now slowly turning around until they are now looking right at me. Their eyes turn blue as I see evil things about death in my head. I’m getting scared now. Things are flying around my head now. Why am I still talking? Hey, where did this pitch fork come from? No wait! Stop!!! …}

Rusty: You saw nothing.

Ok, I’m filling in for my missing brother, so, where were we? Oh, yes. They head for the train. They show the guy their ticket.

Guy: Cool ticket, but you need to show it to that guy.

Yux: Whatever.

Toad Conductor: Ok, you can go on.

*Bowser Jr: But, I didn’t even show you my ticket.

Conductor: I don’t care.

He enters the train, but the conductor stops the others.}

Conductor: Where’s your tickets?

Rusty: Why, there right… here!

Rusty cuts the guy in half, then the conductor. They all enter and get into their room.

*Bowser Jr: Ok, let’s look around and enjoy ourselves while we’re here.

Shadow Mario: You mean I’ll enjoy “myself”. After that last chapter I need a break or more camera time.

Max: Camera time?

*Shadow Mario: Shut up.

They split up.

In the dining car…

*Shadow Mario: This is the life.

Koopa: Are you “The” Mario?

*Shadow Mario: Haven’t you’ve asked this question about six times already?

Koopa: Answer my question first.

*Shadow Mario: Fine, I’m “A” Mario.

Koopa: Then you must be ki-

*Shadow Mario throws him out the window.

Magikoopa: Good show, blue boy.

Mega Man, Sonic, and Mario’s seldom seen cousin Stanley: Thank you.

*Shadow Mario throws the three out the same window.

Magikoopa: Encore! Encore!

*Shadow Mario: What’s it to you?

Magikoopa: Well, me and my friend had to listen to that all the way from here to Toad Town.

Flameboo: It was horribly annoying.

*Shadow Mario: Well, then I finally did something right! In your face, Mom!

Toad: Shut your mouth, you little ingrate!

The Toad leaves.

*Shadow Mario: What’s his problem?

Magikoopa: He’s just grumpy.

Flameboo: I’ll see you later for no reason at all.

He leaves through the same door.

*Shadow Mario: I hope this affects the plot in some way.

Rooms 6 through 8

Rusty: I wonder what I should do for fun.

He passes a room with Yux and the penguin detective Pennington talking to each other.

Rusty: I wonder what that was about?

Conductor: Hey you! The explosive with a sword! Can you help me?

Rusty: What is it you need?

Conductor: There are tons of Smorgs in the luggage department. Can you go ahead and kill them?

Rusty: Sure thing!

He runs inside. Screams are heard, first his then the Smorgs’.

Rusty: This is fun!

A Smorg tries to get him from on top. Rusty throws his Master Sword upward, it goes through the Smorg and the ceiling.

On top of the luggage department...

Miss Mowz: This will be my biggest heist ever! Now how do I get into the train?

Rusty’s sword slices through the roof of the compartment and soars into the air centimeters away from Miss Mowz.

Miss Mowz: That was close.

The sword somehow turns blade down and heads back to the compartment, and by complete coincidence hits and slices through Miss Mowz. It returns through the hole and back to Rusty’s non-visible hand.

Rooms 5 through 3

Clefy: I’m bored!

Max: Shut up.

Fat Toad: Hey! Can one of you help me?

Clefy: With what?

Fat Toad: I’m stuck in this room full of cakes!

Max: How is that possible?

Clefy: Who cares?!

She jumps into the room, the train shakes for a second.

Max: Dang, I wonder if something convenient will pop up and give me something to do?

Nothing happens.

Max: Lame.

Hours pass as each member on the train enjoys themselves. Everything’s fine until…

???: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Magikoopa: That sounded like Toad!

*Shadow Mario: Let’s hurry down there for no reason at all!

Everybody on the train heads to the room. When they get there they find Toad lying on the ground motionless.

Dr. Toad: Step aside, I might be a doctor.

He examines Toad.

Dr. Toad: I’m sorry, but, he’s dead. He suffered a heart attack.

Everyone: Hooray!

Yux: Not so fast!

The crowd splits in half to reveal Yux and Pennington slowly approaching the body.

Pennington: I have my suspicions.

Yux: Can you hold Toad’s mouth open so I may take a look?

Pennington: Certainly.

He does so.

Yux: I meant the dead Toad.

Pennington: Right.

Yux takes a good look inside the Toad’s mouth.

Yux: Just as I thought. He didn’t suffer a heart attack. His heart was attacked!

Pennington: He was murdered!

Weird music starts playing.

*Shadow Mario: Yux, why do you care? We kill stuff all the time.

Yux: (whispering) Because this chapter stinks and we need a murder mystery to have some sort of entertainment. (aloud) Look here.

Pennington points to the roof of Toad’s mouth.

Yux: The skin in his mouth was torched by fire. This scar leads from the mouth, down the throat, to the heart. This was done by a fireball. And I do believe that there so happens to be a pyromaniac on board… Mr. Flameboo!

Flameboo: I didn’t do it!

Pennington: Then tell us where you were just a bit ago.

Flameboo: I’d rather not say.

Yux: No alibi? Then no way of defending yourself. Lock him up!

Conductor Toad: Where?

Yux: Where did you put the fake Zip Toad?

Conductor Toad: In the clothes hamper.

Yux: Then let it be so.

They somehow lock Flameboo in the wooden clothes hamper, why he doesn’t set it on fire I do not know.

Max: Yux, what was that about?

Yux: I’m a detective.

Max: Ok.

Rusty: How do you know Pennington?

Pennington: We know each other from college.

*Shadow Mario: You went to college?

Yux: There are a lot of things you don’t know about me. Most of which will be revealed in the sequel.

Max: Sequel to what?

Yux: Exactly.

Max: …

Rusty: Hey, where’s Clefy?

The left wall crumbles, showing part of Clefy foot, which is now huge.

Clefy: So, much, cake.

Max: Can I have some?

Clefy: (in a thunderous voice) NO!!!

Pennington: I say!

Yux: You say what?

Pennington: … I don’t know.

Yux: Let’s go back to whatever we were doing.

Pennington: Ok, still, that felt a little too easy to solve.

Yux: As long as it’s over, who cares?

Pennington: I guess.

As they leave, Pennington slips on some water.

Pennington: Ow.

Two hours later, Rusty is still killing things…

Dr. Toad: That was my wife!

Rusty: But she was a he.

Dr. Toad: So?

Rusty: … Never mind.

Clefy is still eating…

Clefy: MORE!!! I DEMAND MORE!!!

Fat Toad: You should stop eating. They might have to take your foot.

Clefy: Who?

Fat Toad: The foot ninjas.

Clefy: There is no such thing, and… Hey! Stop that!

Foot Ninja: Sorry.

*Shadow Mario is still enjoying himself…

*Shadow Mario: This is the life.

Bowser Jr: Yeah. Also I didn’t know that this train had a Jacuzzi.

Magikoopa: It doesn’t.

*Shadow Mario: Then what am I in?

Chef Cheep Cheep: That’s my soup!

*Shadow Mario takes a taste.

*Shadow Mario: I taste like chicken!

CCC: Let me taste.

He does. He then adds some more carrots and puts the lid back on it.

Max is still doing nothing…

Max: So bored!

Nothing happens.

Max: Shut up, voices in the sky!

???: Hey! You!

Max: Why do you keep tormenting me?!

Ghost Toad: No, I’m talking to you!

Max: Oh, it’s just a dead guy.

Ghost Toad: Could you do me a favor? I lost my diary in the luggage department. Could you get it please?

Max: Sure.

Ghost Toad: Also, WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T READ IT OR YOU’LL END UP LIKE ME!!!

Max: Whatever.

Max enters the luggage department, passes Rusty and his killing spree, and gets the diary.

Max: I wonder why he didn’t want me to read it?

He starts to read it out loud.

Max: Friday, April 13th - Today I won the super bowl! Then went riding on the unicorn gumdrop! Then went to the moon! Well I could’ve!

The rest of the words are shriveled up by tears.

Max: What a wimp.

Ghost Toad: YOU READ MY DIARY?!

Max: Yeah, and it was stupid.

Ghost Toad: THEN YOU MUST DIE!!!

The book glows and sucks Max’s spirit up into it.

Ghost Toad: Wahahahahah!!! *sniff* I’m so lonely…

Max: Did I forget to say I’m immune to other’s Randomness?

Ghost Toad: Nuts.

Max pulls out a Poltergeist 3000 and sucks up the ghost. Then he sells the book on eBay, where it sucks up everyone’s soul for a million years.

Max: And I only got three bucks off it.

And Yux is still talking to Pennington…

Yux: Remember that one time we went to that bar?

Pennington: And you got wasted on Poison Mushrooms?

Yux: And that one girl thought you were a toilet?!

Pennington: … Now I do.

Yux: Yeah, wait… that wasn’t a bar, that was my sister’s wedding!

Pennington: And I wasn’t there.

Yux: You were invited.

Pennington: But I thought the Nazis were attacking again.

BBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!

The whole train shakes.

Yux: That came from Flameboo’s room!

Pennington: It’s amazing how we can instantly know where a sound came from.

Once again everyone runs to the room to find bits of the basket scattered Everywhere. Scorch marks are everywhere.

*Shadow Mario: It looks like Flameboo exploded!

CCC: Get back in your pot!

Max: I guess he didn’t like that basket.

Yux: No, Flameboos can’t just explode on their own. They have to be shot with a small ice crystal 300 degrees below zero. This was a murder!

More weird music plays.

Shady: That’s enough! Cut! Cut!

Everyone turns to Shady.

Shady: Ok! Who’s the wise guy who keeps on playing that music?!

Everyone points behind Shady. He turns around to see Blaze with a pair of headphones around his neck… wait, he doesn’t have a neck, well they’re hanging around something.

Shady: Blaze!

In surprise, Blaze accidentally burns the headphones.

Blaze: Aw man.

Shady: Ok, BACK TO THE ADVENTURE!

Stuffwell: My line!

The two begin to fight…

Rusty: That was random. You were saying?

Yux: Right, there appears to be two murders onboard.

???: Papa! No!!

A little Flameboo floats into the room with tears on his face.

Little Flameboo: Why’d you have to die, Papa?!

Pennington: Flameboo was your father?

Little Flameboo: Yes. Why didn’t I check on him when he didn’t return two hours ago to our game of Dungeons and Dragons?!

Yux: Wait, Flameboo was with you during the last murder? Playing *holds in a Laugh* Dungeons and Dragons? Then that means that the murderer of Toad is still out there!

Pennington: What if…

He slips on more water.

Pennington: Where is all this water coming from? Where was I? Oh yeah, what if this is the same guy?

Yux: Well let’s think…

*Shadow Mario: While you do that, I’ll go back to my Jacuzzi.

Rusty: And my killings.

Clefy: AND MY EATTING!

Bowser Jr and Max: And my boredom.

Engineer Toad: And I should probably be watching the tracks.

Yux: You’re not watching the tracks?!

Engineer Toad: What’s the worst thing to happen?

Conductor Toad: The bridge is up!

Everyone: AHHHHH!!!

The train flies up into the air, where it does a triple spin before landing back on the tracks.

Everyone: …

Engineer Toad: Yeah, I think I’ll go back to watching the tracks.

Yux: You should.

As they leave, Yux takes one last look into the room.

Yux: There are only two people onboard who could do this. They both don’t have an alibi, or, to my understanding, even know the two murdered.

He takes a glance at the water Pennington slipped in before.

Yux: … Wait, this could be… I need more proof. Also, I need more jokes in this chapter.

*Shadow Mario: This whole FF needs more jokes.

The next day, everyone is still doing the usual.

Rusty: I’m out of things to kill.

Conductor Toad: We’ll be getting off soon, sir. I’m sure there’ll be more things to kill on your next ride.

Rusty slices him in half and keeps on walking.

Clefy: I NEED MORE CAKES!!!

Fat Toad: There are no more cakes! In fact, that’s not a cake you’re eating, that’s my foot!

Clefy: Needs frosting.

Clefy takes a bite so large she eats the Toad whole.

*Shadow Mario: That was some good soup.

Bowser Jr: What was it called?

*Shadow Mario: Chef Cheep Cheep soup!

Bowser Jr: Something tells me this will be free.

A waitress walks by and gives *Shadow Mario a bill. He gasps, then melts her with his brush.

Yux: So you own a business?

Pennington: That’s right, Pennington’s Sunshine Happy Muscles Go Go Juice Emporium. All the athletes take it… Don’t do drugs.

Yux: No, I mean the place you have in Poshley Heights.

Pennington: Oh, that place.

Yux: Hey, where’s the restrooms?

Pennington: Down that hall.

Yux: Thanks.

After Yux is done, he steps out of the restroom and, out of the corner of his eye spies a shady character running out of Pennington’s room.

Yux: I wonder what that was about?

He enters the room to find…

Yux: Pennington! No!!!

A huge tree has somehow sprouted out of the floor and has gone right through Pennington’s chest.

Yux: Why?! Why does everyone I care about die?!

As Yux cries he notices two things, a puddle of water like in the last two murders, and in Pennington’s last hours on earth he wrote something on the wall with his Star Points.

Yux: Gasp! It all makes sense now! Of course this would have been easier if all the dead people left behind their spirits in Boo form like normal people.

Three hours later, everyone is now in the dining car chatting to each other about what is going on. Yux enters the room.

Yux: I called you here today to reveal to you the murderer of Toad, Flameboo, and my friend Pennington. All the clues were there from the start. At first I thought it had to be done by Magikoopa, but then I looked deeper: the puddle at each murder, the elements that were used to kill, then finally, the word that Pennington wrote before he died, the word was… HAT!This could only mean that the murder is-

*Shadow Mario: We all know it was Max. Come on, he was the first one there all the time, he had blood on his hands all the time, and he’s been bragging about killing them for awhile now.

Yux: Oh, yeah, that’s what I was going to say.

He throws away a piece of paper with Shadow Mario’s name on it.

Max: What was I suppose to do?! They all dissed my hat! DON’T BE DISSEN THE HAT, FOOLS!

Yux: You killed my friend!

Yux creates like a hundred mini-Yuxs to form a pair of huge hands that start to choke Max.

Engineer Toad: I like happy endings.

Rusty: Get back to watching the tracks!

Engineer Toad: Why bother? There are buffers at the end of the tracks that will stop the train for us!

Clefy (somehow fitting into the room): But you need to slow the train down for that to work!

Engineer Toad: Opps.

The train hits the buffers at high speed and sends all the passengers flying out a hole that Clefy makes when she hits the wall. The crew lands on the grass but the rest fall into the lake and are eaten by Nibbles.

Bowser Jr: Ok then. Hey, where is everyone?

The place is deserted.

Bowser Jr: Oh, that’s right, Morton rules here.

All of a sudden they all have the same idea at once.

Everyone: Let’s steal stuff!

And they do, for many hours. Meanwhile, in a painting in the sanctuary…

Morton: Help! As in assist! As in do something! As in getting me out of here, as in away…

A bunch of the Dark Boos in the painting attack Morton.

Max: This is right and dandy, but we should be looking for that wand.

*Shadow Mario: (putting down his giant bag of loot) You’re right. Do the random thing, maybe something good will happen.

Rusty: Has anything good ever come from it?

Yux: Nope.

Clefy: Nothing.

Bowser Jr: It did save me money on my car insurance by-

*Shadow Mario somehow chokes the ghost image thing.

*Shadow Mario: If this has anything to do with a green lizard on television, you’re dead!

Bowser Jr: Ok.

Max: RANDOMIZE!

He glows, then stops.

Max: Oh nuts.

*Shadow Mario: What?

Max: This is more of a bad news, good news thing. The bad news is…

The painting in the sanctuary explodes, Morton falls out of it and starts to grow until he bursts through the roof and is estimated at 45 feet tall.

Japanese Toad: GODZILLA!!!

Morton: Rarrrrrhhhhhhh!!!

*Shadow Mario: … Your turn.

Bowser Jr takes control.

*Bowser Jr: I hate you so much.

Yux: Max or Shadow Mario?

*Bowser Jr: Both.

Max: The good news is…

All of their stolen loot merges to form… a giant Gundam!

*Bowser Jr: Shot gun…dam.

Clefy: Sho… Nuts.

Max: To battle!

Rusty: To battle!

Bowser Jr: To battle!

Clefy: To the salad bar!

Shadow Mario: On a diet!

Clefy: You die now!

They hop into the Gundam and fight Morton in the most epic battle ever seen, but we’re all out of time for today. That and we can’t afford the money to pay for all the special effects. Goodbye!

End of Chapter

Luigi’s FINAL Side 5

Luigi: I found Lemmy’s base!

Shady: And that’s all the time we have left for you.

Luigi: What?! There’s plenty of time left!

Shady: Well we had to cut some stuff to put in…

Frankly’s Side 1

Frankly is seen in front of a lone tree in Toad Town. After looking around he takes out a hammer and hits the tree. A pipe pops out of the ground, then he hits the pipe, and another pipe pops out. He jumps in that one. He winds up on an underground staircase. After going down ten flights of stairs, he approaches a door. A hole appears in the door and so does a pair of eyes.

???: Password?

Frankly: Seven Magic things.

???: Correct, welcome to the secret league of illegal gambling.

Frankly: Thank you.

???: No, thank you!

Frankly: …

He enters a huge room with TVs everywhere. On the TVs there are sports, races, numbers, and at the center are two huge screens, one with Luigi, the other with *Bowser Jr and his crew. Over the screen of the small TV there is a sign with the words, “Bowser Jr Vs. Luigi, Odds 99 to 1”.

Frankly: I did all I could, but there’s no way he can win.

Goomba: Look! It’s the grand gambler himself!

Frankly: (to himself) Wario.

Wario pulls up in his Mario Kart DS kart, the Brute.

Wario: It’s Wario Time! Whahahah!

Frankly: Hey.

Wario: Hey! It’s my main man! What’s shaking?

Frankly: Your fat stomach, as usual.

Wario: Oh yeah.

The two sit down at an open table and request some drinks.

Waiter: You know the rules, you two!

He points to a sign that says, “Please fallow the rules. Rule 1: No drinking of any liquid. Rule two: No smoking.“ A couple of Flameboos leave. “Rule three, we don’t talk about fight club, or this gambling thing. Rule Four: No affecting the people you’re gambling on.”}

Frankly: If there’s no liquid, then what do you do?

Waiter: I serve air.

Cheep Cheep: Yo, Waiter! Me and my friend need some service!

Blooper: I see a white light at the end of a tunnel.

Cheep Cheep: Now!

The waiter leaves.

Cheep Cheep: Come back here with our air!

Wario: I can’t believe we forgot a rule.

Frankly: We should know them by heart by now.

Then Frankly hides a map he forgot to give to Luigi.

Wario: Yeah.

He hides his cell phone.

Frankly: You think it’s right to be gambling on stuff that’s supposed to destroy the world?

Wario: Sure! I vote on the Bowser fights all the time! See?

He holds up a collection of tickets that have the words, “Bowser verses Mario”, “Bowser versus Luigi”, “Bowser versus Bowser”, and “Bowser versus a pickle jar”.}

Wario: Good thing I never bet on him. By the way, how many days are left until the world thingy blows up?

Frankly: Two days, three hours. How many wands have the two gotten?

Wario: I think Bowser’s kid has four…

The TV showing *Bowser Jr’s robot fight starts flashing the words “Fight over, Wand collection, Bowser Jr Five, Luigi: One. Self destruction activated.”

BBBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!

Wario: Not again!

Frankly: Third one this week.

Toad: Actually, forth…

The TV behind Toad explodes, then falls on him.

Wario: Fifth. Waluigi!

Waluigi: Whaaaa! My name’s scary!

Wario: Were you making Bob-ombs again?

Waluigi: Yeah, they’re the only thing not scary.

Frankly: But they explode, a lot.

Waluigi: Oh yeah. Whaaaaaaa!!!

Shady: And… CUT!

Waluigi: Whaaaaa!!! Cutting’s scary!

Shady: You can stop acting, we’re done for today.

Waluigi: Whaaaaa!!! Acting’s scary!

Shady: Seriously, it’s over.

Waluigi: Whaaaa!!! Over’s scary!

Shady: But…

Waluigi: Whaaaa!!! Buting’s scary!

Shady: … *evil smile( Air.

Waluigi: Whaaaa!!! Air’s scary!

Shady: But you’re breathing air.

Waluigi: Whaaaa!!! I must stop breathing!!! Whaaaa!!! Stopping is scary!!!

He stops breathing and starts choking.

Shady: Cool.

Read on!

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