Lemmy's Land: The Screenplay

By Lord Seth

               EXT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - ROOF - DAY

               Mario and a Mushroomer are on the roof. The Mushroomer is
               looking off the roof with a pair of binoculars.

                                   MARIO
                         See anything?

                                   MUSHROOMER
                         No. Why are we looking so early?
                         The attack isn't due for a while.

                                   MARIO
                         Well, maybe they'll change their
                         plans! That's why I made sure to
                         get everything ready a good deal
                         before twelve o'clock.

                                   MUSHROOMER
                         Wait, hang on... I'm seeing
                         something with the binoculars. It
                         looks like a... uh... well,
                         nothing. Just a fly. Sorry.

               A large explosion is heard, and the castle shakes.

                                   MARIO
                         What was that?

               Mario runs to the other side of the roof and sees an army of
               Koopas, Goombas, and Mushroomers attacking.

                                   MARIO
                         What?! Why wasn't there someone to
                         watch this side also?

               A Mushroomer runs up to Mario.

                                   MUSHROOMER
                         Sorry about not getting here
                         earlier. But I didn't think I
                         really had to, because the attack
                         wasn't supposed to be until twelve
                         o'clock.

                                   MARIO
                             (clutches forehead)
                         Darn it! We were caught unaware!
                         I've got to get down there!

                                   MUSHROOMER
                         You could just use the stairs and-

                                   MARIO
                         No! That'll take too long! Only one
                         thing to do!

               Mario jumps off the roof. The Mushroomer looks down.

                                   MUSHROOMER
                         It's never the easy way with those
                         superheroes. They always have to do
                         things like this. They can never
                         just run down the stairs like
                         normal people.
 

               EXT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - DAY

               The Mushroomer guards are fighting a large group of Koopas,
               Goombas, and other Mushroomers. Mario suddenly falls from the
               sky and lands in the middle of the fight and joins in, but he
               soon starts getting overwhelmed by the sheer numbers.

                                   MARIO
                         Too many... I've got to fight
                         better.

               Mario jumps on a Koopa and it retreats into its shell. He
               grabs the shell and throws it. It knocks out a great number
               of the enemies.

                                   MARIO
                         Sometimes it's just too easy.

               There is a sudden hush. The entire attacking army splits.
               Smithy Jr. walks down between them.

                                   MARIO
                         You!

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Yes, Mario... it is me! Smithy Jr,
                         also known as Smithy's successor!
                         You didn't think you actually got
                         rid of me, did you?

                                   MARIO
                         But we destroyed you!

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Well... yes. But you forgot that I
                         could put myself together, didn't
                         you?

                                   MARIO
                             (slaps self)
                         How could I have forgotten that?

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         You were in a hurry. But now it's
                         high time I took care of
                         you... permanently.

               A bunch of Mushroomer Guards suddenly run up to and try
               attacking Smithy Jr, but he punches them all away.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Heh heh heh. And now it's YOUR
                         turn, Mario!

                                   BOWSER (O.S.)
                         Not so fast!

               Bowser walks up to them with a pitifully small group of
               Goombas and Koopas.

                                   BOWSER
                         No one defeats Mario except me,
                         whoever you are! You look kinda
                         familiar, though. Like some guy
                         from some adventure I was in.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         That's Smithy you're thinking of.

                                   BOWSER
                         Oh, yeah! You look like him!

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         You have a talent for stating the
                         brutally obvious.

                                   BOWSER
                         I know! Cool, huh?

               Smithy Jr. throws his hammer like a boomerang. It knocks out
               Bowser and comes back to him, and he catches it.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         All too easy.

               The Koopas and Goombas from Bowser's army look at Bowser's
               unconscious body, then quickly run away.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         So much for that deus ex machina.
                         And now for you, Mario!

                                   MARIO
                             (obviously thinking
                              quickly)
                         Good thing I had this saved...

               Mario reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Star. It
               disappears and suddenly he begins flashing and the
               invincibility music plays. Then a Mushroomer takes out a
               hammer and destroys a nearby stereo, and the music ends.
               Mario runs up to Smithy Jr. and jumps on him, knocking him
               back.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Hmph! Not bad! But what about when
                         that invincibility Star wears off?

               Mario stops flashing.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         See? Now you're no longer a threat
                         to me!

                                   MARIO
                         I defeated Smithy, didn't I?

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Only when you had levelled up a
                         great deal! Don't ask me why, but
                         after each of those adventures you
                         revert to your weaker state, which
                         is what you are in now! You have no
                         chance against me!

               Smithy Jr. starts producing hammers out of nowhere and throws
               them at Mario. Mario runs around, trying to avoid them.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         This is just like shooting fish in
                         a barrel, except the fish move
                         around and the barrel isn't small.

               Mario, while still running around to avoid the hammers,
               manages to get up to Smithy Jr. Mario jumps on him again, but
               this time nothing happens.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Told you that you were too weak.

               Smithy Jr. grabs Mario and conks him in the forehead with a
               hammer. Mario collapses.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         With Mario, Luigi, Bowser, AND the
                         Koopalings all either knocked out
                         or incarcerated, there's NO ONE who
                         can stop me from conquering the
                         world! Mwahahahahaha!

               Smithy Jr. notices his army staring at him.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Uh, I mean stop us. There's no one
                         that can stop us. NOW PILLAGE AND
                         LOOT THE CASTLE! What once belonged
                         to the corrupt monarchy will now be
                         ours!

                                   TOAD
                         Corrupt? How was it corrupt?

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         I don't know.

                                   TOAD
                         Then how do you know it's corrupt?

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Well, the mere fact I didn't find
                         any evidence of the corruption only
                         proved that there was a cover-up.
                         AM I RIGHT?!

               Smithy Jr's army cheers.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         So there's a cover-up AND
                         corruption!

                                   TOAD
                         This is just stupid.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Did you hear that?! He just called
                         you stupid! GET HIM!

               Smithy Jr's army swarms up and grabs Toad.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Excellent. Excellent. Now nothing
                         can stop me!

               Lord Seth walks up to Smithy Jr.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Hi. Have YOU seen Lemmy recently?

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Do I know you from somewhere?

                                   LORD SETH
                         I hope not. Most people who know me
                         wish they didn't. So, do you know
                         where he is?

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         We captured him. He's in one of our
                         dungeons.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Good! Now I can find him and tell
                         him what I've been wanting to tell
                         him!

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Visiting hours aren't exactly
                         permitted in our dungeons...

                                   LORD SETH
                         Oh yeah? Then... well... um...never
                         mind, the opportunity for a cool
                         guy attitude was already lost.

               Lord Seth leaves.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Well, let's get back to the
                         pillaging of the castle!

               Larry is shown to have been spying on them from behind one of
               the corners of the castle. He quietly runs off.
 

               INT. FORTRESS - DUNGEON - DAY

               Luigi is in a cell and is knocked out. He gradually comes to.

                                   LUIGI
                         Ow... That hurt.
                             (looks around)
                         Oh, I'm still in a cell. Though
                         it's a different one this time.
                         I've got to get out of here. But
                         how? Hey, wait! I could-

               The wall is suddenly knocked down, revealing a bulldozer
               driven by Lord Seth.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Aw man! This isn't even the right
                         cell! You're not Lemmy!

               Luigi takes the moment to run out of the cell and get away.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Crud. Now I bet I'm going to get
                         into legal trouble for aiding and
                         abetting a prisoner's escape.
                         Unless...

               Lord Seth gets out of the bulldozer and walks off. He comes
               back holding a Goomba.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Let me go! Let me go!

                                   LORD SETH
                         Shut up!

               Lord Seth puts a green cap with an L on it on the Goomba and
               also a fake mustache.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Perfect! No one will tell the
                         difference!

               Lord Seth shoves the Goomba into the cell and then quickly
               fills back the wall.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Man, I sure wish I had hands. Then
                         I could get rid of this stupid
                         disguise. Oh well, I'm sure people
                         will notice the difference.

               A Hammer Brother comes by the cell.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Help! Help! Some random crazy guy
                         grabbed me and put me in this
                         stupid Luigi disguise!

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         You can't fool me, Luigi!

               The Hammer Brother walks off.

                                   GOOMBA
                         This may take a little longer than
                         I thought.
 

               EXT. FORTRESS - DAY

               Luigi runs away from the fortress, then stops.

                                   LUIGI
                         Okay, I think I'm far enough away.
                         There aren't many people left here
                         because they all went to attack.
                         I've got to contact Mario!

               Luigi pulls out the walkie-talkie again and turns it on, but
               only static is heard.

                                   LUIGI
                         Mario? Mario? Come in, Mario?

               The walkie-talkie beeps a few times.

                                   WALKIE-TALKIE
                         We're sorry, but your call cannot
                         go through because Smithy Jr. has
                         taken over the Mushroom Kingdom.
                         And the Koopas. If you want
                         service, you'll have to join up
                         with him or pay an exceptionally
                         steep fine.

               Luigi stares at the walkie-talkie.

                                   LUIGI
                         Oh no! They must have already taken
                         over the Mushroom Kingdom! I've got
                         to stop them! But what can I do?
                         Mario's sure to have been captured
                         if they managed to takeover the
                         Mushroom Kingdom. Who is there to
                         turn to?

               A Sledge Brother walks up to Luigi and gives him a newspaper.

                                   SLEDGE BROTHER
                         Extra! Extra! Buy a day old
                         newspaper! Giving out free samples!
                             (to Luigi)
                         Have I seen you somewhere before?

                                   LUIGI
                         Probably.

                                   SLEDGE BROTHER
                         You seem familiar, but I can't
                         think of exactly who you
                         are... uh... Extra! Extra! Buy a day
                         old newspaper! Giving out free
                         samples!

               The Sledge Brother walks off.

                                   LUIGI
                         Um... That was interesting.

               Luigi unfolds the newspaper. The headline is "Koopalings
               Banished By Bowser!" and a picture of the Koopalings is on
               it.

                                   LUIGI
                         Koopalings banished by Bowser?
                         Hmm... Well, I suppose I could try
                         to get the Koopalings or Bowser to
                         help me out, but I have no idea
                         where they are.

               The Sledge Brother comes back.

                                   SLEDGE BROTHER
                         Extra! Extra! Read all about it in
                         our free sample! Don't forget to
                         buy one!

               The Sledge Brother gives Luigi another newspaper, then walks
               off. Luigi unfolds this newspaper.

                                   LUIGI
                             (reading)
                         Koopalings captured and taken to
                         secret fortress... Well, that's
                         helpful. What newspaper is this
                         anyway?

               Luigi looks at the top of the newspaper. The newspaper's name
               is The Coincidence Times.

                                   LUIGI
                         Well, back to the fortress to free
                         them! I need help from someone to
                         beat Smithy Jr!

               Luigi leaves. The Sledge Brother walks back in.

                                   SLEDGE BROTHER
                         Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
                         The Coincidence Times goes out of
                         business! Something about giving
                         out too many free samples and thus
                         losing money and going bankrupt!
 

               EXT. FORTRESS - DAY

               Larry walks up to the entrance. Only a Buzzy Beetle is
               guarding it.

                                   LARRY
                         Are you the only guard?

                                   BUZZY BEETLE
                         Unfortunately, yes. We're
                         unfortunately at a low point
                         because everyone else is attacking
                         the Mushroom Kingdom and-

               Larry yanks the shell from the Buzzy Beetle. What the Buzzy
               Beetle looks like without a shell is not shown due to the
               camera angle.

                                   LARRY
                         Perfect!
 

               INT. FORTRESS - DUNGEON - DAY

               The camera is now back on the cell the other Koopalings are
               in.

                                   ROY
                             (sarcastically)
                         So much for your "great plan"
                         Morton!

                                   MORTON
                         What do you mean? It is a great
                         plan! There was no need to say
                         great plan sarcastically as you
                         did. That implies it isn't a great
                         plan! And it clearly is! Everyone
                         knows that it's a great plan! It
                         will succeed! Just because it
                         hasn't succeeded yet doesn't mean
                         it won't! I mean, we try to
                         takeover the Mushroom Kingdom,
                         right? And we always fail. But we
                         keep trying again. Why? Because
                         just because it hasn't succeeded in
                         the past doesn't mean it won't ever
                         succeed.

                                   WENDY
                         Shut up, Morton!

                                   MORTON
                         Why should I shut up? All I am
                         doing is stating what I am stating!
                         Why should I shut up? I haven't
                         been getting enough lines anyway!
                         So I figure if I don't get enough
                         lines, I should make my lines as
                         long as possible! Therefore-

                                   LEMMY
                             (with Morton still talking
                              in background)
                         Why don't we just let him continue
                         rambling on and on? He's sure to
                         run out of steam sometime.

                                   IGGY
                         Oh no you don't! I'm not going
                         through THAT again!

               Roy hits Morton on the head. Morton instantly collapses.

                                   LEMMY
                         Why didn't I think of that?

                                   ROY
                         Because you never go for the simple
                         solutions. It's always complicated
                         plans with you that never work.

                                   LEMMY
                         Hey! What about that plan with the
                         marbles?

                                   ROY
                         Oh, sure, it made you ruler of the
                         Mushroom Kingdom for a day or so.
                         But then-

               Larry goes up to them, wearing the Buzzy Beetle's shell,
               which completely covers him up, making him unrecognizable.

                                   LARRY
                         Hi, prisoners!

                                   WENDY
                         Would you let us out of here?
                         Please? LET US OUT OR I'LL THROW A
                         TANTRUM!

                                   LUDWIG
                         Wendy, we should endeavor to be
                         polite to him.
                             (to Larry)
                         If you succor us with our abscond,
                         I will proffer you a perquisite.

               There is a pause. Then Roy hits Ludwig.

                                   ROY
                         He won't help us if he doesn't know
                         what you're even asking!

                                   LARRY
                         Don't worry! I'm here to get you
                         out of here.

                                   LUDWIG
                         See? He did accept my proposition!

               Larry takes off the Buzzy Beetle shell.

                                   LEMMY
                         Larry?!

                                   LUIGI
                         Yeah. Security is really thin right
                         now. I'm here to get you out of
                         here so you can help me defeat
                         Smithy Jr!

                                   WENDY
                         And what's in it for us?

               Roy hits Wendy on the head.

                                   ROY
                         Idiot! Don't you remember? That
                         would get us un-banished!

                                   LUIGI
                         Well, more importantly, if he isn't
                         stopped, he'll takeover the world!
                         You won't have anyplace to be un
                         banished FROM!

                                   IGGY
                         Roy, isn't it considered bad to hit
                         a girl like you just did with
                         Wendy?

               Roy hits Iggy on the head.

                                   IGGY
                         Never mind...

                                   LEMMY
                         So, how are you getting us out?

                                   LARRY
                         Um...

                                   LEMMY
                         You don't even know?

                                   LARRY
                         I don't know. I was kind of ad-
                         libbing it as I went along.

                                   ROY
                         Seems simple to me. Just unlock the
                         cell door.

                                   LEMMY
                         Do you honestly think they'd be
                         DUMB enough to just leave the key
                         hanging around?

               Larry looks at the wall. A key labeled "Key To The
               Koopalings' Cell" is on it.

                                   LEMMY
                         Apparently so.

               Larry takes the key and unlocks the cell. The Koopalings come
               out.

                                   LARRY
                         All right! Now, Smithy Jr. seems
                         too strong for us to take on
                         ourselves. I was hiding when they
                         attacked the Mushroom Kingdom
                         Palace, and the guy totally
                         clobbered Mario. So we're going to
                         have to find a weak spot. But
                         first we have to get out of here.

                                   LEMMY
                         But how? We can't all hide
                         underneath that Buzzy Beetle
                         shell...

               Larry seems to think this over.

                                   LARRY
                         I have an idea.
 

               INT. FORTRESS - CORRIDOR - DAY

               Larry is back under the Buzzy Beetle shell. The Koopalings
               are following him while wearing chains. A Lakitu floats up to
               them.

                                   LAKITU
                         Hey! What are you doing with these
                         guys?

                                   LARRY
                         They're being transferred to a top
                         secret area for being prisoners.
                         Keeping them in the fortress is too
                         obvious. Someone could come and
                         rescue them!

                                   LAKITU
                         Ooh, that's smart. Well, go on.

               Larry and the Koopalings continue on.

                                   IGGY
                             (quietly, to Lemmy)
                         My question is, where did Larry get
                         these fake chains?

                                   LARRY
                         Fake?

                                   IGGY
                         They're not fake?!

                                   LARRY
                         No, they are fake. I just said that
                         to scare you.
 

               EXT. FORTRESS - DAY

               The Koopalings all exit the fortress. Roy, Iggy, Wendy,
               Ludwig, Morton, and Lemmy are all still wearing the chains.
               They walk a fair distance away from the fortress and then
               take the chains off. Larry, who is still wearing the Buzzy
               Beetle shell, removes that also.

                                   LARRY
                         All right! Now to go stop the evil
                         guy and get un-banished!

               Luigi runs up to the Koopalings.

                                   LUIGI
                         You're already out?

                                   LARRY
                         What are you doing here?

                                   LUIGI
                         Well, I needed help to stop Smithy
                         Jr, so I was hoping to get you
                         guys to help me out. I was planning
                         on rescuing you, but it looks like
                         you already got out.

                                   ROY
                         Help? Roy needs no help to defeat
                         Smithy Jr! You can be sure of this
                         because Roy is referring to himself
                         in the third person.

                                   LUIGI
                         No... he's too powerful for us to be
                         able to defeat him in a head-on
                         assault. Darn it! Mario managed to
                         defeat him so easily before... How
                         is he so powerful now?

                                   LEMMY
                         Seems obvious to me. He rebuilt
                         himself to be much more powerful.

                                   IGGY
                         No, you guys. It's because Mario was
                         back to level one, like he always
                         is after whatever adventure he was
                         on. Remember when Smithy Jr. said
                         that?

                                   LARRY
                         Wait. How did you know he said
                         that? You weren't even there!

                                   IGGY
                         Oh... um... right.

                                   LEMMY
                         Think of a way to fix this
                         continuity error, fast!

                                   IGGY
                         Uh...  uh... Larry told me! Yeah,
                         that's right. He told me.

                                   LEMMY
                             (wipes forehead)
                         Phew! That was a close one.

                                   MORTON
                         Can I say something?

                                   ROY
                         No!

                                   MORTON
                         Why not? All I wanted to do was say
                         one little thing. Well, maybe not
                         one little thing, but a thing
                         that's small compared to some other
                         things I say. Of course, most
                         things are-

                                   ROY
                         Permission to knock him out?

                                   IGGY
                         Since when have you asked
                         PERMISSION to knock someone out?

                                   ROY
                         Good point!

               Roy hits Morton and Iggy, knocking them out.

                                   LEMMY
                         Why did you just do that?

                                   ROY
                         I've found that violence is the
                         best way to deal with pretty much
                         anything.

                                   LUDWIG
                         I know what we should do! We should
                         go back into the fortress, break
                         into Smithy Jr's private database,
                         and find out how he got strong.

                                   LARRY
                         Have you been paying attention?
                         He's not stronger, Mario is just
                         weaker!

                                   LUIGI
                         Well, wasn't Mario around level
                         five when he beat Smithy Jr. last
                         time? It's only a difference of
                         four levels.

                                   LARRY
                         But Smithy Jr. is supposed to be of
                         about the same strength as Smithy.
                         Mario at level four never could've
                         defeated him.

                                   LUIGI
                         Maybe the levels are on a different
                         scale. In the original adventure
                         with Smithy, Mario's version of
                         around twenty or thirty is about
                         five on this scale.

                                   LEMMY
                         Why are we debating this?

                                   LUIGI
                             (pause)
                         Come to think of it, I don't know.
                         Look, the point is that either he's
                         stronger, we're weaker, or both.
                         The bottom line is we can't beat
                         him without making him weaker or
                         ourselves stronger, and it seems
                         like the more plausible course is
                         to make him weaker.

                                   LEMMY
                         What was the plan again?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Break into Smithy Jr's private
                         database and find out how he got so
                         much stronger.

                                   LEMMY
                         Why would he even have a private
                         database?

                                   LARRY
                         All evil villains do. It's the
                         latest trend. The previous fad was
                         to always tell the good guy their
                        plan in excruciating detail when
                         they're at their mercy.

                                   WENDY
                         Figures. We just get out of there,
                         and now we have to go back in.

                                   LARRY
                         Don't worry. We'll just get in the
                         same way we got out. Put those
                         chains back on!

               Larry puts the Buzzy Beetle shell back on. They get Iggy and
               Morton to wake up and the Koopalings put the fake chains back
               on.

                                   LUIGI
                         There aren't enough fake chains to
                         include me.

                                   LARRY
                         Don't worry about that. I have a
                         plan.

                                   LUIGI
                         What?

                                   LARRY
                         We'll say you're really weakened
                         and that there's no need for
                         chains.

                                   IGGY
                         Couldn't you just say the same for
                         us?

                                   LARRY
                         They'd find it easier to believe
                         that Luigi is weak than that we're
                         weak.

                                   LUIGI
                         I take offense at that.

                                   LARRY
                         Okay, they seem to change the front
                         guard often for no explicable
                         reason, so they won't recognize us.
                         Let's go in!

               They go back to the front of the fortress. A Mushroomer guard
               is now there.

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                         I thought someone said you were
                         taking these guys to some prison so
                         they couldn't be found.

                                   LARRY
                         Yeah, but then we realized that's
                         what our enemies would think.
                         They'd NEVER think we were dumb
                         enough to keep them here.

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                         Ooh, now that's smart. Go in.

                                   LARRY
                         You're not going to question me
                         about Luigi?

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                         Well, it's obvious he's in such a
                         weakened state you don't need to
                         bother with chains.

                                   LARRY
                             (to Luigi)
                         See? Told you.

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                         What was that?

                                   LARRY
                         Nothing!

               Larry and the others enter.

Read on!

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