Lemmy's Land: The Screenplay

By Lord Seth

               INT. FORTRESS - CORRIDOR - DAY

               They all walk through the corridor.

                                   LARRY
                         Okay, now let's find that database.
                         Now, if I were an evil robot
                         creature, where would I keep my
                         central database?

                                   IGGY
                         In a computer?

                                   LARRY
                             (sarcastically)
                         Thank you! Now could someone give
                         me something that ISN'T a
                         technically correct but otherwise
                         useless answer?

                                   WENDY
                         Ooh! Ooh! I know! I saw this on TV
                         or something! All evil villains
                         have a central database in the
                         center of whatever fortress they
                         have! It's what's "in" right now!

                                   LUDWIG
                         How do you acquire this
                         information?

                                   WENDY
                         I'm the only one who keeps up with
                         this stuff?

                                   MORTON
                         It is then decided! We all must
                         find the center! If this fortress
                         is shaped like a circle or a
                         polygon that has equal sides and
                         equal angles, it should be easy to
                         figure out where it is. So, what
                         shape is this place in? I hope it's
                         a circle. Those are the easiest to
                         find the centers of. But squares
                         aren't so hard either, I
                         guess...so, what shape is it?

                                   LARRY
                         I don't think it really has any
                         specific shape.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Then it's clear what we must do. We
                         need to take the whole fortress,
                         attach a rope to an edge, and then
                         rotate the fortress until the rope
                         points straight down. Use a pencil
                         to mark where the rope was, then
                         pick another point on the edge and
                         do the same. Wherever they cross is
                         where the center is.

                                   LEMMY
                         There's a bit of a problem with
                         that plan.

                                   LUDWIG
                         What?

                                   LEMMY
                         How are we going to hold the
                         fortress in that way?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Oh. I hate it when my genius gets
                         in the way of my common sense.

                                   LUIGI
                         Can I say something? I'm not
                         getting a chance to say much.

                                   LARRY
                         Sure, go ahead.

                                   LUIGI
                         Why don't we just look at one of
                         these directories they have up?

               Luigi points to a map behind him. There is a red dot on part
               of it that is labeled "You Are Here." A Goomba comes by and
               looks at it.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Which one of us does it correspond
                         to? I mean, if we move, the dot
                         moves with us, right?

                                   LARRY
                         No.

                                   ROY
                         Even I knew that.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Darn it!

               The Goomba leaves.

                                   LUIGI
                         Look! It says "central database"
                         right here on the map!

                                   LEMMY
                         What if it's a trap?

                                   ROY
                         Good point! I nominate Iggy to go
                         into the room first!

                                   IGGY
                         Why is it always me?

                                   ROY
                         Because I don't like you.

                                   IGGY
                         Why do you dislike me?

                                   ROY
                         Do I really have to give you a
                         list?

                                   LUIGI
                         Okay, it's obvious that we're not
                         going to get anywhere as a group.
                         So I say we should split into two
                         groups. That should hopefully lower
                         the amount of infighting going on
                         this group.

               There is a pause, then all the Koopalings stare at Luigi in
               wonderment.

                                   LUIGI
                         What?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Why didn't I ever envisage that?
                         That's brilliant!

                                   LUIGI
                         Uh...yeah. Okay, Roy, Wendy, and
                         Morton are with me. The others are
                         in another group. My group will go
                         in to the database, and the others
                         will search the fortress for a
                         different database, in case this
                         one is a decoy.

                                   LARRY
                         What if you guys get caught?

                                   LUIGI
                         Have you noticed how everyone who
                         works here is acting tremendously
                         stupid?

                                   LARRY
                         Yeah, but not so stupid that they
                         wouldn't even-

               A Spiny walks by.

                                   SPINY
                         Hi, guys! Hi, Luigi! Nice to see
                         you!

               The Spiny walks away.

                                   LARRY
                         Doesn't count. Spiny is always a
                         moron.

                                   WENDY
                         That Spiny in particular or all
                         Spinies?

                                   LARRY
                         Wait! Here comes someone else!

               A Mushroomer walks by.

                                   MUSHROOMER
                         Hi, guys!

               The Mushroomer walks away.

                                   LARRY
                         Uh...that actually is pretty
                         stupid. You may have a point. I
                         don't think I even need this
                         anymore.

               Larry removes the Buzzy Beetle shell.

                                   LUIGI
                         Okay! Let's go!

               Luigi, Morton, Roy, and Wendy go off in one direction. Larry,
               Ludwig, Lemmy, and Iggy go off in another.


               INT. FORTRESS - DATABASE ROOM - DAY

               The door leading into the room opens and Luigi, Morton, Roy,
               and Wendy enter.

                                   LUIGI
                         This looks authentic to me. Okay,
                         let's see what it says.

               Luigi presses a button.

                                   COMPUTER
                         Enter password!

                                   LUIGI
                         Uh-oh.

                                   COMPUTER
                         Repeat! Enter password!

                                   LUIGI
                         Uh...I have no idea?

                                   COMPUTER
                         Password correct!

                                   LUIGI
                         Phew! That was close!

                                   COMPUTER
                         But voice pattern incorrect!

                                   ROY
                         Don't worry! I know how to handle
                         this!
                             (to computer)
                         Hey! If you don't let us access
                         that database, we're going to turn
                         you into scrap metal!

                                   COMPUTER
                         Uh...um...second password correct!
                         Voice pattern problem has been
                         overriden. Enjoy looking over a
                         bunch of notes.

               The four go over to a screen and start reading text on it.

                                   LUIGI
                         Here's something about a death
                         ray...let's see...oh, never mind,
                         his plan with the death ray didn't
                         work because the death ray itself
                         didn't work. Apparently it was the
                         high school science project of some
                         guy named David Seth. But it didn't
                         work.

                                   WENDY
                         David Seth? Does he have anything
                         to do with Lord Seth?

                                   LUIGI
                         No, no relation. They're two
                         completely different people. Well,
                         that's no good. Keep looking.

               The four keep reading the screen and pressing various
               buttons.

                                   LUIGI
                         Hang on a minute...go back there...

               Morton presses a button.

                                   MORTON
                         Wow! This is excellent to have
                         found out! This solves the problem!
                         Well, not really, but it gives us a
                         lot of information, and-

                                   ROY
                         Shut up!

                                   WENDY
                         Yeah, Morton. Shut up!

                                   MORTON
                         Okay, okay! Sorry. Sheesh...just
                         talk on and on and on and on and on
                         and on and suddenly everyone is mad
                         at you.

                                   LUIGI
                         We've got to find the others and
                         give them this information! Where
                         are they? Hey, computer! Where are
                         they?

                                   COMPUTER
                         Hey, I may be a supercomputer, but
                         I can't monitor where everyone is.
                         Go forward a few centuries to the
                         world of Star Trek: The Next
                         Generation and use one of THEIR
                         computers.

                                   WENDY
                         What's Star Trek: The Next
                         Generation?

                                   ROY
                         I don't know! I don't pay attention
                         to that kind of thing!

                                   WENDY
                         If you didn't know, wouldn't it
                         have been easier to not say
                         anything?

                                   MORTON
                         Exactly! If you don't have anything
                         worthwhile to say, don't say
                         anything at all! Absolutely!
                         Obviously people who just babble on
                         with no rhyme or reason to it are
                         really annoying and-

               Roy hits Morton and Wendy on the head, knocking them out.

                                   LUIGI
                         Maybe we should have split into
                         three teams instead of two...


               INT. FORTRESS - EMPTY ROOM - DAY

               The door leading to the room opens. Larry, Iggy, Lemmy, and
               Ludwig are all outside.

                                   LARRY
                         Darn it! An empty room!

                                   LEMMY
                         We've been looking in all these
                         rooms. Nothing's here.

                                   LARRY
                         Maybe the original data room wasn't
                         a trap after all.

                                   IGGY
                         Hang on a minute! I think I
                         remember something like this from
                         somewhere. The room SEEMED to be
                         empty, but there was a secret
                         passage or something!

                                   LUDWIG
                         Correct me if I'm fallacious, but I
                         believe that there's a low prospect
                         of that.

                                   IGGY
                         Could you stop with the complicated
                         talk?

                                   LUDWIG
                         What? I thought I was dumbing it
                         down considerably.

                                   LARRY
                         Well, only one way to find
                         out...let's go in.

               The Koopalings all enter. Suddenly the floor they're on falls
               down and they fall down with it.


               INT. CAVE - DAY

               The Koopalings all fall into a cave.

                                   LEMMY
                         That was unexpected.

                                   IGGY
                         Oh, I hope we don't run into any
                         monsters! I keep having this
                         horrible nightmare where I'm in a
                         cave just like this one, and then
                         red eyes appear out of the dark,
                         just like those ones!

               Iggy points towards red eyes that appear in the dark.

                                   IGGY
                         No, wait. Sorry. It was yellow eyes
                         in the nightmare.

               The eyes turn yellow.

                                   IGGY
                         No, wait, maybe they were red.

               The eyes turn red.

                                   IGGY
                         Or maybe-

                                   LARRY
                         Could we just see who the eyes
                         belong to?

               A monster emerges from the dark. It has a very large mouth
               and has the red eyes.

                                   LARRY
                         What happened in that dream of
                         yours?

                                   IGGY
                         I think I ran like crazy.

                                   LARRY
                         Then that's what we're doing!

               The Koopalings all scream and run away from the monster,
               which starts running after them. This continues for a few
               seconds. They come to a dead end that's next to a small
               river.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Uh-oh. I believe we have arrived at
                         a cul-de-sac.

                                   IGGY
                         A WHAT?!

                                   LUDWIG
                         A dead end.

                                   LEMMY
                         Please, PLEASE, no one make a pun
                         about dead and dead end.

               The monster goes up to the Koopalings and growls. Then it
               suddenly stops and takes a drink from the river.

                                   IGGY
                         Huh. This isn't what happened in my
                         dream.

                                   LEMMY
                         And what, pray tell, did happen?

                                   IGGY
                         The monster ate me alive and I
                         spent a thousand years being
                         digested!

                                   LUDWIG
                         I recollect this monster! It always
                         drinks water before it consumes
                         someone.

               The monster stops drinking water and turns back towards the
               Koopalings. Then it suddenly stops. It jumps into the water
               and is swept away by the current.

                                   LARRY
                         WHAT just happened?

                                   IGGY
                         Maybe the water was filled with
                         some kind of thing that made the
                         monster realize that it was doing
                         horrible things and...well, being a
                         monster. So the monster threw
                         itself into the river to make sure
                         it didn't eat us.

                                   LARRY
                         That is an extremely stupid
                         explanation.

                                   IGGY
                         Says you.

                                   LUDWIG
                         May I recommend that we leave this
                         cavern? It is probable that there
                         are more of-

               Suddenly a great deal of monsters go up to the Koopalings.

                                   LARRY
                             (to monsters)
                         Uh...um...hey, don't you want a
                         drink of water before you eat us?

               Larry points towards the stream. The monsters all take a
               drink, then jump into the stream and are carried away by the
               current.

                                   LARRY
                         Hey, maybe that thing about the
                         "peaceful" thing in the water was
                         true after all...

                                   LEMMY
                         How the heck are we going to get
                         out of here anyway?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Simple. First we go back to where
                         we fell into here.

                                   IGGY
                         Finally you're using words we
                         understand!

                                   LUDWIG
                         It's really annoying to have to
                         dumb down everything I say so much!
                         You'd better appreciate it!

               The Koopalings all walk over to where they were before. They
               look up at the hole in the ceiling.

                                   LEMMY
                         Okay...now what?

                                   LUDWIG
                         We stand on each other's shoulders
                         to get up.

                                   LEMMY
                         How would that get all of us up?

                                   LUDWIG
                         It wouldn't. The person who is the
                         highest of us would find a rope,
                         bring it here, lower it, and then
                         we'd climb up it.

                                   LARRY
                         Okay! I nominate myself to be the
                         one who gets the rope!

                                   IGGY
                         Sure, why not? You're the sneaky
                         one.

               Ludwig goes over to the wall. Lemmy climbs onto his
               shoulders. Iggy climbs onto Lemmy's shoulders. Then Larry
               climbs onto Lemmy's shoulders. He is able to just barely
               reach the top and gets up.


               INT. FORTRESS - EMPTY ROOM - DAY

               Larry climbs up out of the cave.

                                   LARRY
                             (calling down)
                         Okay, I'll be back in a minute!

               Larry leaves.


               INT. CAVE - DAY

               Ludwig, Iggy, and Lemmy are still in the cave.

                                   IGGY
                         I hope he comes back soon with that
                         rope. I hate caves.

               A rope is suddenly lowered.

                                   IGGY
                         That was quick.

               The three climb up the rope.


               INT. FORTRESS - EMPTY ROOM - DAY

               The three reach the top and climb out. Larry is waiting for
               them.

                                   LARRY
                         Phew! I was afraid the rope
                         wouldn't hold! Now we have to find
                         Luigi and the others.


               INT. FORTRESS - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE EMPTY ROOM - DAY

               Larry, Ludwig, Iggy, and Lemmy are standing outside the empty
               room, in the corridor.

                                   LEMMY
                         Fine. Where are they?

               Luigi, Wendy, Roy, and Morton all walk up to them.

                                   LUIGI
                         About time we found you! What were
                         you doing, hanging out in a cave or
                         something?

                                   LARRY
                         Pretty much.

                                   MORTON
                         You won't believe what we found
                         out. It's amazing! It's incredible!
                         It's astonishing! It's a major plot
                         twist! I'd better shut up so we can
                         just tell you!

                                   LUIGI
                         It turns out that Smithy Jr. used
                         some substance to make people obey
                         him without question. And somehow
                         the more people who are affected by
                         this, the stronger he gets. It has
                         the side effect of making them
                         incredibly stupid, though.

                                   ROY
                         Which explains the stupidity we've
                         been encountering lately!

                                   LUIGI
                         But it didn't say how he's
                         affecting the people with it.

                                   MORTON
                         Oh, and in case you're wondering
                         why it isn't affecting us, I'll
                         tell you. It's pretty interesting.
                         Apparently it only affects generic
                         characters, you know, like normal
                         Goombas or Koopas or Mushroomers.
                         So we're immune to it, at least
                         now, because we're unique and
                         important characters. It was a bug
                         they weren't able to fix.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Wait a minute...remember how those
                         monsters drank the water, and then
                         threw themselves into the water?
                         That sounds like a sign of
                         stupidity to me.

                                   LARRY
                         Of course! He must have put it in
                         the water! That's how he got
                         everyone affected by it!

                                   LUIGI
                         The good news is that it affects
                         different people at different
                         rates, meaning some are affected
                         immediately and in some others it's
                         slower. See, at first they only act
                         a little stupid and a little loyal
                         to him, but then they get more and
                         more stupid. Sometimes people
                         develop color blindness and
                         dyslexia as an additional side
                         effect. Anyway, the fact it affects
                         different people at different paces
                         is why not everyone is under his
                         spell yet. The bad news is that
                         eventually everyone will be
                         affected by it...all the generic
                         characters, anyway. Oh, and it gets
                         worse.

                                   LEMMY
                             (rolls eyes)
                         Let me guess. If we don't fix it
                         all within twenty-four hours, it
                         becomes permanent?

                                   LUIGI
                         Well, actually seventy-two hours.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Only seventy-two hours? This looks
                         like a job for...Dr. Physics!

               Ludwig rushes off, them comes back wearing a doctor's outfit.

                                   WENDY
                         Where did you get that doctor's
                         outfit?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Why does it matter?

                                   LUIGI
                         Okay! So we need to find an
                         antidote, get it into the water
                         supply, but do it quickly enough so
                         that it will manage to affect
                         everyone quickly enough so that
                         they don't become permanent slaves
                         to Smithy Jr.

                                   LUDWIG
                         I have some bad news, though.

                                   LUIGI
                         What?

                                   LUDWIG
                         According to my calculations, it
                         will take about forty-eight hours
                         for the antidote to cure everyone
                         once put in all the various water
                         sources. So we actually do have
                         only twenty-four hours.

                                   ROY
                         And you didn't tell us this before
                         why?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Because I just got here.

                                   ROY
                         What?

                                   LUDWIG
                         I'm Dr. Physics! Ludwig was the guy
                         who was here previously. People
                         seem to get us all mixed up for
                         some reason.

               There is a pause. Then Roy hits Ludwig on the head twice, and
               Ludwig collapses.

                                   LEMMY
                         The real question is, how do we
                         find the original formula? We can't
                         devise an antidote until we know
                         that, and that wasn't in the
                         database.

                                   ROY
                         Oh, that's simple. We just get
                         Ludwig to analyze the water.

                                   WENDY
                         You just knocked him out!

                                   ROY
                         Oh. Well, how about I analyze it
                         instead?

               There is a pause. Then everyone starts laughing hysterically.

                                   ROY
                         I suppose I deserved that.

                                   LUIGI
                         In the meantime, we have to go
                         rescue Mario and the others!

                                   ROY
                         Why?

                                   LUIGI
                         Because Smithy Jr. will probably
                         kill them, and we can't allow that!

                                   ROY
                         Doesn't sound like good enough a
                         reason to me.

                                   LUIGI
                         And also because they, you know,
                         could be really helpful because
                         Mario is really strong.

                                   ROY
                         I love it! If there's one thing I
                         appreciate, it's strength!

                                   WENDY
                         I never thought I'd see the day
                         where I'd be rescuing Mario...

                                   LUIGI
                         Well, I didn't expect Smithy Jr. to
                         come and make all these people
                         become his servants with this
                         concoction of his, and make me have
                         to work with you guys, but you
                         don't see me complaining about it!
                         Now let's go!

               Ludwig gets up, then runs off. He comes back no longer
               wearing the doctor's outfit.

                                   LUDWIG
                         I'm back, everyone! That is, me,
                         Ludwig. Not Dr. Physics. He was the
                         guy who just left.

               Everyone sighs.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Wow. Is my reputation really that
                         bad? That people will sigh when I
                         enter?

                                   LUIGI
                         Let's just go.

               They all leave.

Read on!

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