Finally Fantastic

By P.T. Piranha

Chapter 2:

Before starting:
~RIP: Vivian
~RIP: Lots of boss enemies
~RIP: Cameraman who died in a fire… I think

Okay, moving on now.
 

Chapter 2-1: Welcome to the Tundra

Petey: … I forgot, what’s happening again?

Luigi: … We’re in the Significant Citadel, headed north to follow Dimentio to the North Pole Hole to avenge the death of Vivian. Oh, and to stop the Millennium Star from destroying Plit.

Petey: I’ve wondered where she’s been lately…

Daisy: … How did you forget about that?

Petey: Poison Mushrooms are bad things, lady. Never eat them. Don’t be like me.

Everyone Else: 0_0

Bombette: That actually explains a lot…

Luigi: … Moving on now… Oh look! We’re on the world map again! And it’s snowy!

P.T.: NOOOOO!!! I HATE BEING COLD!!!

Luigi: Get over it.

Everyone continues until they reach a town with a sign at the entrance.

Ninji: Welcome to Shiver City!

Wario: The sign says “Fahr Outpost”.

Ninji: Take your pick.

Elvin: ****! Pick a name and stick with it, why don’t ya?!

Ninja: What’s his deal?

Merlon: He’s just upset because all his tea is frozen.

Luigi: What does this town have to offer?

Ninji: Well up ahead is the path to Snow Cap Hills, and in this house near us you can learn the backstories of some characters.

Luigi: Sounds good.

Daisy: Luigi, don’t you think we should get some kind of winter coats or something? Look at you! In that rip-off outfit you’re wearing, you’re sleeveless!

Luigi: I’M A MAN, DAGNABBIT! AND MEN DON’T NEED SLEEVES!

Elvin: Atta boy.

Petey: I’m a plant. I’ll die if I’m in the ice too long. Especially since I’m tropical in origin.

Luigi: Oh my goodness, is crying the only thing that you guys know how to do? Fine! Go get coats!

Daisy and Petey go into the nearby shop and come out wearing coats. Daisy has an orange coat and Petey is wearing a green poncho.

Petey: They were out of coats.

Bombette: (to Merlon) … Isn’t it amazing how quickly we all essentially forgot the death of Vivian?

Merlon: I know, right?

Luigi and the others go into the nearby house and watch the recordings. Apparently Geno and Merlumina came here, settled down, had Vivian, and then Fawful came and killed Geno. Then Fawful took off with Merlumina and Vivian.

Wario: What, the author’s not even going to go into detail about this video?

Elvin: I think it’s just pretty dang ironic that we find Vivian’s hometown right after her game ended.

Luigi: Whatever, I slept through the video anyway. Let’s just get rid of Dimentio now. Petey! Daisy! You’re with me.

Petey: Woo!

Everyone Else: Aww…

Everyone goes outside and tries to talk to the exit guard.

Blue Toad: Luigi! Yellow Toad and I can’t thank you enough for hooking us up with that big role in that upcoming New Super Mario Bros. Wii game! The Koopalings thank you, too!

Luigi: They owed me for leaving me out of the Mario Vs. Donkey Kong series.

Blue Toad: Anyway, we can’t let you through since you don’t have a snowboard.

Petey regurgitates a snowboard. Don’t worry, it’s clean.

Blue Toad: Oh… Well those guys at the entrance look like trouble, though.

Luigi: Huh?

Mimi of the Yoshis and two Koopatrols are at the entrance to town.

Mimi: There they are!

Koopatrol 1: We’d be lost without you, ma’am.

Mimi: Was that sarcasm?!

Koopatrol 1: Eep! No!

Mimi: Good!

Koopatrol 1: Phew!

Mimi: That’s it, you’re gonna get it after this is over!

Koopatrol 2: Ha!

Mimi: You too!

Koopatrol 2: Aww…

Mimi and the Koopatrols run over to Luigi’s group. Everyone but Luigi takes a few steps back, including Blue Toad.

Mimi: There you are! You’ll pay for beating up Croco in that temple!

Luigi: Oh no, that wasn’t me.

Mimi: Lies!

Koopatrol 1: Watch out, when she’s mad she’s got a punch like you wouldn’t believe!

Luigi: Ha! As if!

P.T.: Watch out, Luigi, they said that you can’t believe her punch!

Luigi: … Thank you… Don’t worry, guys. Her arms are practically sticks! How could a mere punch from one of THOSE do any real-

Mimi: *in a certain man’s voice* Falcon PAUNCH!

Mimi hits Luigi with a fiery punch that knocks him on his back.

Mimi: Ha!

Luigi: Do over!

Mimi: Fine!

Luigi gets back up. This time he runs around to Mimi’s backside as she punches.

Luigi: SPARTA!

Luigi kicks Mimi down the hill and she rolls down as a giant snowball.

Koopatrol 1: Quick, let’s help her before she punishes us!

They rush after her.

Wario: That was weird.

Luigi: So can I snowboard now?

Blue Toad: Why not?

Daisy: Wait, how are Petey and I going to fit on there with you?

Petey spits out two more boards.

Daisy: … I hate this.

Elvin: And us?

Blue Toad: You guys can ride the gondolas.

Daisy: Wait, I want to-

Luigi: Too late!

Luigi kicks Daisy down and she starts riding. He and Petey go willingly. The way down is oddly similar to DK Summit in Mario Kart Wii. They eventually reach a second giant barrel cannon that shoots them into a snow pile in the ground.

Luigi: Ow…

Daisy: I hate you…

Petey: I think I’m gonna be sick…

Everyone gets up.

Daisy: Luigi, I’m worried about Petey. He shouldn’t be out here for much longer.

Luigi: Well then, let’s hurry!

The party run around Snow Cap Hills for a good ten minutes until…

Daisy: You have no idea where to go, do you?

Luigi: I forgot the map. Wait! Petey! Fly up and maybe you can point us in the right direction!

Petey: First of all, my poncho is a little constricting, so I can’t use my leaves too much. Secondly, it’s too cold for me to be able to fly.

Luigi: Oh come on! What does it take?!

Luigi kicks a sign in anger.

Luigi: Ow! My foot!

Daisy/Petey: Wimp…

Daisy: Wait! … “North Pole Hole <=”. All right! Let’s go! … Luigi?

Petey: He fainted.

Daisy: Why?

Petey’s fainted.

Daisy: Petey? … Oh crud… Wait! Uh oh… Now… I’m… fai-

Daisy faints. The three of them wake up in a cabin.

Luigi/Daisy/Petey: WOAH!

Petey: Anyone find it odd how we all woke up at the same time to say the same thing?

Luigi: Actually I woke up a while ago but I was too lazy to move.

Yellow Toad: Hey guys, I see you fainted outside! What are you guys doing out there?

Daisy: We’re headed for the North Pole Hole.

Yellow Toad: I can’t imagine why. But to get there you’ll have to scale the outer walls of that crater – Land’s End. It’s like the place in SMRPG, only snowier. You should also-

Petey: Yeah whatever. Didn’t we just skip a boss fight?

Luigi: Who cares?

Petey: Good point.

Everyone goes outside.

Luigi: Guys!

Everyone: Hi.

Merlon: Guys, I think this is getting serious. Wario’s talking about donating things to charity!

Wario: I’MSOCOLD! THISMUSTBEHOWTHEORPHANSFEEL! NOWI’MGUILTY! IMUSTGIVETHEMSWEATERS!

Merlon: Normally that’d be good, but I think he might be getting frostbite or something.

Luigi: Uh, everyone get inside and wait here.

Everyone goes inside while Luigi, Daisy, and Petey continue.

Daisy: Why couldn’t we stay?

Luigi: Because.

The party start climbing a cliff and enter a cave.

Ice Climbers: Quit biting our style!

Popo: You never see us jumping on turtle shells!

Nana: So quit climbing cold mountains!

Petey: Didn’t you guys eat a mushroom at some point in your game?

Ice Climbers: … Oh…

The Ice Climbers run off to cry while the party continue up until they reach a tunnel high up. There’s shaking. A Bogmire Shadow leaps out in front of them.

Bogmire Shadow: I… couldn’t make it…

Petey: What’s going on?!

Luigi: I don’t know!

The shadow fades and a blue version of King Kaliente breaks through the floor.

Ice King Kaliente: BLOO!

BOSS BATTLE!

Luigi: 700/700
Daisy: 690/690
Petey: 720/720
Vs.
Ice King Kaliente: 1000/1000

Luigi: He’s as strong as that Bahamut Jr. from my flashback!
Luigi charges his Final Smash!
Daisy charges her Final Smash!
Petey uses Generic Fire Magic! 50 damage! IKK’s weak to fire! Double damage!
IKK spits a coconut at Petey! 70 damage! Petey’s dizzy!

Luigi: 700/700 (Charging)
Daisy: 690/690 (Charging)
Petey: 650/720 (Dizzy)
Vs.
Ice King Kaliente: 900/1000

Luigi unleashes his Final Smash! Luigi uses Megasmash! Luigi’s hammer glows green and he smashes IKK 8 times! 20 damage each!
Daisy unleashes her Final Smash! Daisy uses Vinthom! IKK is constricted by vines and then shot by 100 thorns! 1 damage each!
Petey’s too dizzy to fight!
IKK smacks Daisy with a tentacle! 60 damage! She’s frozen!
Luigi: Dang!

Luigi: 700/700
Daisy: 630/690 (Frozen)
Petey: 650/720 (Dizzy)
Vs.
Ice King Kaliente: 640/1000

Luigi uses Generic Fire Magic on Daisy! She’s thawed!
Daisy uses a Summon! Daisy summons Megaleg! Megaleg kicks IKK with all three legs! 20 damage each! Megaleg jumps and lands on IKK! 60 damage! Megaleg unleashes many Bullet Bills on IKK! 60 damage!
Petey’s too dizzy to fight!
IKK knocks an icicle loose and it lands on Petey! 50 damage!

Luigi: 700/700
Daisy: 630/690
Petey: 600/720 (Dizzy)
Vs.
Ice King Kaliente: 460/1000

Luigi uses Hammer! 50 damage!
Daisy uses PAUNCH! 40 damage! IKK is weak to fire! Double damage!
Petey’s no longer dizzy!
IKK knocks an icicle loose and it lands on Luigi! 50 damage!

Luigi: 650/700
Daisy: 630/690
Petey: 600/720
Vs.
Ice King Kaliente: 330/1000

Luigi uses Fire Jump Punch! 40 damage! IKK is weak to fire! Double Damage!
Daisy uses Spartan Kick! 40 damage!
Petey uses Sludge Ball! 50 damage! IKK is poisoned!
IKK spits a coconut at Daisy! 70 damage!
Poison damages IKK for 20 damage!

Luigi: 650/700
Daisy: 560/690
Petey: 600/720
Vs.
Ice King Kaliente: 140/1000 (Poisoned)

Luigi uses Jump! 40 damage!
Daisy uses Spartan Kick! 40 damage!
Petey uses Sludge Ball! 50 damage!
IKK knocks an icicle loose and it lands on Luigi! 50 damage!
Poison damages IKK for 20 damage!
IKK is defeated!

Luigi: 600/700
Daisy: 560/690
Petey: 600/720
Vs.
Ice King Kaliente: 0/1000

Luigi, Daisy, and Petey win!
Luigi gains a level! Daisy gains a level! Petey gains 900 exp!

BATTLE OVER!

Luigi: That wasn’t so bad…

Petey: Speak for yourself… Ow…

Luigi: That Bogmire Shadow said he couldn’t make it. I’m guessing we’re almost there.

Daisy: I’d agree with that.

The gang continue through the tunnel and find themselves near the peak of Land’s End. They keep climbing the cliff until they reach the top.

Luigi: Oh…

Daisy: My…

Petey: DAD…

They find themselves on the rim of a gigantic crater. There’s a stone path leading to a giant tornado.

Daisy: What IS that?

Luigi: I don’t know, but I’m willing to bet Dimentio’s in there somewhere.

Petey: You don’t say.

Luigi: Shut up! … I have to wonder though, what made this crater?

Daisy: Didn’t you hear in the video?! The Shadow Queen crashed into Plit in a purple meteor and made this crater, which was dubbed the “North Pole Hole”.

Luigi: Oh…

Petey: And there’s a bunch of Garlic here healing this crater right now?

Luigi: Judging from what Dimentio schemed and what Bestovius lectured, probably. Let’s hurry and get to Dimentio.

The three run down toward the middle and pass a fading Bogmire Shadow along the way. Meanwhile, inside the Koopa Cruiser are Bowser Jr, General Guy, Nastasia, and some Koopa Pilots.

General Guy: So this crater is the Golden Land?

Nastasia: I think so, yeah.

Fawful walks up to them.

Fawful: I’m back…

Bowser Jr.: But didn’t you resign? You know what, I don’t care.

Dr. Topper is with him.

Dr. Topper: Don’t you think we’d have noticed him on our ship?

Bowser Jr.: You’d think so.

Fawful: Watch out, guys, the reunion of Shadow Queen is here… I can’t wait to see Dimentio again…

Bowser Jr.: Why?

Fawful: I’m not telling.

Meanwhile, Luigi, Daisy, and Petey pass by many dieing Bogmire Shadows. Finally they reach the man himself.

Dimentio: Now you both get game overs… FOR SHADOW QUEEN!

Dimentio kills the two Bogmire Shadows with explosion boxes like he did to Vivian.

Luigi: Dimentio!

Dimentio disappears like he usually does.

Luigi: D’oh!

???: We must… give the Millennium Badge… to Dimentio… It is our purpose…

Daisy: I don’t like the sound of that.

A ghost of Dimentio reappears but all remaining Bogmire Shadows appear and fuse into a purple puddle. Up rises a giant Bogmire!

Luigi/Daisy/Petey: WAH!

Luigi: Uh oh…

Bogmire creeps toward the party but they get out of the way.

Petey: Anyone know how to beat this guy?

Daisy: No…

Luigi: If only I had a vacuum! Wait… No…

Petey: Well THAT helped!

Luigi: Shut up!

Bogmire is about to attack Daisy.

Daisy: Guys!

Luigi: Oh no!

Luigi throws his hammer at Bogmire and he melts. Luigi picks the hammer up.

Daisy: Phew.

Luigi: Well that was easy.

Suddenly up from the puddle rises his second form, otherwise known as-

Luigi/Daisy/Petey: WEEGEE!

Daisy: Eek!

Luigi: Don’t look at his eyes or you’ll turn into him!

Daisy: I know!

Petey: I know what to do!

Petey spits up a ball of sludge that covers Weegee.

Petey: That’ll take care of the eyes!

Daisy: Phew.

Luigi: Yoho!

Luigi uses Megasmash and finishes off Weegee. He turns into a purple fog that lowers down further into the crater.

Luigi: That’ll have to do for now…

Petey: What’s that?

Luigi notices a small, dark purple cloud.

Luigi: Shadow Queen’s essence… All of her essence is reuniting here…

Petey: Waitwaitwait! I might have this wrong but are you saying that SHADOW QUEEN is the villain?! We haven’t been after Dimentio this whole time?!

Luigi: I don’t know. I’m gonna say yes.

Petey: So should we still be mad at Dimentio for what he did to Vivian?

Luigi: Technically I don’t think we need to, but let’s be mad anyway. Besides, he’s probably controlling her.

Daisy: So where’s Dimentio?

Luigi: I think he’s here at the North Pole. And I think he’s been here the WHOLE TIME!

Daisy/Petey: !

Everyone else in the party approaches the three.

Merlon: We’re here now.

Petey: Oh, hey guys.

The essence leaves and drops the Millennium Badge. Luigi picks it up.

Luigi: I’d like to see Dimentio pry THIS baby out of my cold, dead hands!

Elvin: You said that the last time.

Luigi: Shut up. Okay, so now we just have to kill Dimentio. I can’t be trusted with it, and it can’t go any further than this point, so who wants it? Anyone?

Elvin: No.

Merlon: I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

P.T.: Oka-

Everyone: NO!

Bombette: I don’t want that one.

Wario: … I guess I’ll do it…

Luigi gives Wario the Millennium Badge.

Luigi: Guard it with your life!

Wario: Or what?

Luigi: I won’t give you my 30 coins.

Wario: You’ve got yourself a deal!

Luigi, Daisy, and Petey continue forward.

Elvin: So he left it with Wario?

Merlon: Yep.

Elvin: We’re done for.

Meanwhile, Luigi, Daisy, and Petey scale to the top and suddenly… they’re at the entrance to Toad Town.

Luigi: Oh great, he’s using an illusion on us! Oh yeah! Real original!

Daisy: Uh, Luigi-

Luigi: Huh?

Luigi turns. Dimentio, Johnson’s father Johnson, the tall human Koopatrol, and some guy who looks like a shorter, fatter Luigi dressed in red walk up. The red one has the same hammer that Luigi is using right now.

Daisy: Luigi…

Luigi: I see him… And he’s probably tricking us. That’d explain the pig on a unicycle.

Daisy: I don’t see any… I’m not gonna ask.

The scene cuts forward to when Toad Town is on fire.

Petey: What’s going on?!

Luigi: An illusion! Pay attention! But I don’t get it… What’s Dimentio doing this for?

Dimentio appears.

Dimentio: Ahahaha! Are you dumb like a man who drowns fish? You never did any of the things you talked about.

Luigi: What are you saying?

Dimentio: … You didn’t do anything you said you did!

Luigi: But I remember it!

Dimentio: Well you didn’t!

Luigi: Yeah right.

Dimentio: Luigi, you’re living a double life… And the one that is Luigi is the one who handed me the Millennium Badge like a dog hands over a newspaper.

Luigi: …Yeah right…

Petey: Luigi, stop repeating yourself, it gives off the vibe that he’s getting to you.

Dimentio: Fawful would be so glad if he knew the failure was the only one to make it this far. You don’t count, plant.

Petey: Aww…

Dimentio: Luigi… Fawful created you!

Luigi: For reals?

Dimentio: Oh, he did! You were intended to be my clone, but you were a failure… until you actually proved useful at the temple…

Daisy: One flaw in your story, Dimentio. How come I remember childhood with him?

He warps away.

Petey: Well I’m confused.

Dimentio appears inside a fire.

Dimentio: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! IT BURNS! WRONG SPOT!

Dimentio leaves and reappears behind the fire.

Dimentio: Much better. Anyway, Shadow Queen can change forms. She’s melded with Daisy’s memories, and here you are!

Petey: Ooh! Ooh! Tell me how I was born next!

Dimentio: Ask your roommate. Anyway, Luigi was just a boy Daisy knew… So that boy came to mind and helped support Luigi. Remember that photo-op?

Luigi: Yeah…

Dimentio: Here it is.

Dimentio shows Luigi, Daisy, and Petey the picture that was taken during Luigi’s story of when he went to Toad Town as a member of KOOPA. The picture is the same except Luigi is replaced with the red man. He’s holding Daisy and Dimentio close like Luigi did.

Luigi: How do I know you didn’t just use Photoshop?

Dimentio: …

He leaves.

Luigi: Can’t blame a guy for trying. But I remember things clearly! How could they have not happened? Wait… NOW I DON’T REMEMBER ENTERING THE KOOPATROL ARMY!

Petey: Do you need to lie down or something?

Luigi: I don’t know!

Daisy: Luigi-

Luigi: Wait… I think I get it now… Oh, and I also understand this whole situation.

Daisy: What’d you get before?

Luigi: How Farmer Toad had bacon the day after Porky died.

Daisy: …

Meanwhile, Bowser Jr. and Nastasia walk into a cavern. A blue star jewel is on the wall.

Bowser Jr.: Well… This place hardly looks golden.

Nastasia: K, this is kinda cool, yeah.

Fawful walks in.

Bowser Jr.: All the Garlic outside… All the potential energy for badges inside… We’re here, all right!

Only Fawful notices the roots with a crystal on the ceiling. Suddenly there’s shaking and the blue star flashes quickly.

Fawful: The Guardian…

Bowser Jr.: What?

Fawful: The five Guardians are monsters that DAD made to protect Plit. When Plit’s in danger, they destroy everything so they can become part of the world, thus they themselves don’t suffer. Geno said so in an essay he wrote in school.

Bowser Jr.: Where’s that essay?

Fawful: Uh, in my pocket.

The star flashes again. Meanwhile, the other party members are still waiting.

Bombette: I hope they’re okay.

Wario: … Wah!

Merlon: What is it?

Wario: I can hear Daisy’s voice… She’s telling me to help!

Wario rushes off after Luigi and his friends.

P.T.: That was weird.

Above the area is a purple cloud. It was actually the source of “Daisy’s” voice in Wario’s head. Back down to the others, they get up from being knocked out.

Elvin: What the **** just happened?

Everyone Else: I dunno.

Meanwhile with the Koopa people, they’re getting ready to leave when Luigi, Daisy, and Petey suddenly appear.

Bowser Jr.: You!

Luigi: Hey everybody, leave now, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Wario runs in.

Wario: Hey everybody! What’s going on?

Luigi takes the Millennium Badge from Wario.

Wario: Now pay me.

Luigi then snaps out of some kind of trance.

Luigi: Woah… That was weird. So Fawful, apparently I’m your creation. Which one am I?

Fawful: 2. Because you’re Player 2.

Luigi: What?!

Fawful: Just kidding. You’re the failure… fink rat… Which could technically make you zero…

Dimentio takes over for Luigi and pulls him up to the ceiling crystal like some puppet.

Petey: This is getting weird.

Nastasia: Yeah…

Fawful: … After Dimentio had a game over I tried recreating him… “Luigi” was one of them, but he was a failure…

Wario: Aaah! I can’t take all these plot twists at once!

Fawful: I had a theory, which I was reminded of during my vacation, about these guys always returning to Dimentio… And here it is. But Dimentio wants to be controlling them…

Bowser Jr.: So he’s alive?

Fawful: In this very room.

Bowser Jr.: !

Everyone looks up to see Luigi with the crystal on the ceiling.

Luigi: (So Dimentio was just drawing me here?! It wasn’t my free choice?! Dang!)

Suddenly the crystal loosens and is now dangling. Dimentio is inside… It’s as if he was playing on his DS when he was frozen.

Everyone: !

Fawful: Hooray!

Bowser Jr.: We should probably leave… But you guys! You’re coming with me! We’re not done.

Wario: Hey! Luigi!

Luigi’s in a trance again and somehow gives the Millennium Badge to Dimentio. The badge merges with the clown. Luigi snaps out of it.

Luigi: … This can’t be good… Did I break something?

Petey: You broke everything!

Luigi: Oh… Oh no…

The shaking is worse and the others leave. The room is collapsing. While the summoning is taking place, the Koopa Cruiser is in the air near the North Pole Hole. The party, sans Luigi, is on the deck above the ship.

Merlon: Look!

Everyone looks to see five Crystal Stars floating around the crater: Sapphire, Diamond, Ruby, Emerald, and a black Crystal Star. The five all shoot upward and explode. They leave behind a giant skeleton pirate, a giant white egg with red spots, a smallish Duplighost with a hat, a large pink submarine, and a purple demonic thing, respectively.

Everyone: AAAAAH!!!

As the purple one flies by, the force knocks Daisy out. The Koopa Cruiser flies away from the North Pole.

Wario: Luigi… Aw dang.
 
 

Chapter 2-2: Lost Without Luigi

Luigi is in nothingness.

Daisy: Luigi?

Luigi disappears.

Daisy: Luigi…

FLASHBACK!

Luigi is asleep at the train station in Area 7 in Koopa City. Captain Hammer is poking him with a hammer and Daisy walks up.

Daisy: Hey, who’s that?

Captain Hammer: I don’t know.

Captain Hammer leaves.

Daisy: Are you okay?

Luigi wakes up.

Daisy: … Luigi?

Luigi: … Daisy?

Daisy: Luigi, is that you?

Luigi: Yeah… And you’re Daisy!

Daisy: You look like you just went through something awful.

Luigi: Don’t worry about it. Mario Is Missing had to star SOMEONE.

Daisy: … It’s you all right. How long has it been?

Luigi: Five years.

Daisy: I guess so… (Wait… It was SEVEN years… when he was accepted as a Koopatrol. Where’d he get five from? And wait… His story has some holes in it… You know things that you shouldn’t! And vice versa! But you didn’t care… And neither did I, I just told you about Wario and the Three Musty Fears and said you could join… This is confusing… I don’t even know if I’m talking as myself now or myself back then. I need to lie down…)

Suddenly Daisy wakes up in some kind of room.

Daisy: Ugh… What just happened?

Wario: Oh, you’re up. You’ve been asleep for about a week now and your HP and FP are back to normal… but you’re still hungry.

Daisy: What?! A week?! And can we turn down the lights?

Wario does.

Daisy: So… I’ve been out for a week… What happened to Luigi?

Wario: No one knows.

Daisy: … I’m afraid to ask… What happened to Dimentio?

Wario: The North Pole Hole is surrounded by a Chaos Field.

Daisy: That sounds like something straight out of Sonic.

Wario: And now he’s stuck in there and we can’t do anything to him. And remember that giant skeleton that was released with those other monsters?

Daisy: Yeah.

Wario: Well he’s been on a rampage around these parts! And Koopa Jr. is trying to destroy it.

Daisy: So… We’re officially done for…

Wario: I guess.

Daisy: I know I’m going to regret asking… What about the Millennium Star?

Wario: *sigh*

Wario opens the blinds and Daisy looks outside the window. A giant, silver-purple star with a mustache is hurdling toward Plit.

Millennium Star: MMMMMMMM!!!

You can also tell, by the giant cannon outside, that they’re in Upper Ricco Harbor.

Daisy: … Oh no…

Wario: Also for some reason, Koopa Jr. thought it was a good idea to promote all the Koopatrols he has to Dark Koopatrols. I don’t know why. Maybe he thinks that if his guards are tougher-looking they’ll do better.

Bowser Jr. walks in.

Bowser Jr.: I take it you’ve met Plit’s new neighbor. And Ricco Harbor’s new neighbor.

Daisy: No, I haven’t seen the Guardian yet. Just the star.

Bowser Jr.: Well thanks to that stupid plumber, the whole world is doomed! So we need scapegoats… If we execute you two live on TV, the civilians will feel better about things, which will help us out big. Promoting all the Koopatrols wasn’t enough. Besides, it’s kind of your fault that big star in the sky anyway!

Wario: Don’t we get a say in this?!

Bowser Jr.: No.

General Guy: Okay, we’re ready!

Bowser Jr. and General Guy head to their office while a Dark Koopatrol leads Wario and Daisy to another room. They’re in some kind of mini-theater with Nastasia in charge of the presentation. In the folding chairs are various people and a tall guy in a trench coat with a pumpkin for a head and a fishing hat.

Nastasia: K, here they are…

Wario: What’s going on?!

Nastasia: We’re executing you two live on TV.

Pumpkin Head raises his hand.

Pumpkin Head: Why?

Nastasia: To help the population be happier and because they’re partly responsible. Their little friends should consider themselves lucky that we don’t hunt THEM down too. Let’s start with Sarasa.

Two Dark Koopatrols escort Daisy and Nastasia into the next room and Nastasia injects Daisy with some kind of mixture.

Nastasia: That’s essence of Poison Mushrooms, Ztars, and Delfino Sludge. You’ll be dead in 15 minutes tops unless you happen to have a 1-Up Mushroom on you… K, let’s leave her here.

Nastasia and the Dark Koopatrols leave and lock the door.

Daisy: Ow…

Nastasia: K people, she’ll die now.

Johnson’s second cousin Johnson’s voice: EMERGENCY! SOMETHING BAD’S GOING ON! ON THE PLUS SIDE, I THINK I LOOK A LOT COOLER AS A DARK KOOPATROL NOW! … OH YEAH! THE GUARDIAN IS COMING! GET READY FOR BATTLE!

Paparazzi: AAAAAAAHHHH!!!

They flee.

Dark Koopatrols: Time for work…

They get ready for battle. Pumpkin Head walks up to Nastasia.

Pumpkin Head: Is this the part where you serve us popcorn?

Nastasia: … No…

Pumpkin Head: Aww. Well in that ca- SNEAKATTACK!

Pumpkin Head takes off his head and smashes Nastasia’s head with it, knocking her out. Pumpkin Head is P.T.!

Wario: You?

P.T.: Me?

Wario: But aren’t you with these guys?

P.T.: I dunno, I’m confused. Now I’ll stand guard while you rescue so-and-so.

Nastasia: Already… injected… her…

P.T.: Dang it, we can’t do anything right!

Wario: You actually may be right on that one…

Meanwhile…

General Guy: President Koopa Junior, what do we do now?

Bowser Jr.: I don’t know… You think we can handle the Guardian?

General Guy: I gue-

Bowser Jr.: DON’T START THAT AGAIN!

General Guy: Sorry.

Bowser Jr.: Hmm… Let’s shoot him with the cannon!

General Guy: Sounds good.

Outside, the town seals off its buildings and essentially becomes a seaside heap of cannons, complete with the giant cannon.

General Guy: FIRE!

It charges up.

Cannon: … I’M’A FIRIN’ MAH LAZAR!

It fires at the water.

Bowser Jr.: … Did we miss?

General Guy: I dunno.

Johnson’s second cousin Johnson’s voice: YOU MISSED! HE’S COMING!

Bowser Jr.: You’re getting docked in pay for this!

General Guy: D’oh!

Bowser Jr.: Quick! Stall him with the other cannons while you recharge the big one!

Meanwhile Cortez is swimming in the water toward Ricco Harbor and rises up.

Dark Koopatrols: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

They all throw Bob-ombs at Cortez while the Bill Blasters all shoot at Cortez. 1 damage!

Dark Koopatrol: Oh come on!

Meanwhile…

Daisy: Ugh… It’s starting to take effect…

Wario’s voice: Hold on! Though I do expect you to pay me.

Outside that room…

Wario: So now what?

P.T.: Can we get ice cream?

Wario: No, I think we have to save Daisy.

P.T.: How?

Wario: Maybe we can find a way into her room from another room! You’re with these guys, so don’t you know your way around here?

P.T.: I told you, Kamek just appeared on the street and offered me an opportunity to spy on you. You probably know more about this place than me! I barely remember how I got in here!

Wario: Oh great, so Daisy’s life half depends on an idiot.

P.T.: And the other half is in the hands of a fat greedy guy.

Wario: … We should still try.

P.T.: Maybe we can go to the airport and crash a ship into that room!

Wario: Okay!

Meanwhile outside, a pink Bob-omb reporter is talking into a microphone… to no one at all.

Reporter: So… As you can see, a giant skeleton is approaching Ricco Harbor at high speeds. Will we survive?

Wario and P.T. run up.

Reporter: Hey! I have questions for you!

Wario: No! Get out of our way! We’re a fat guy and a stupid guy and we mean business!

Reporter: Wario! It’s me!

She takes her disguise off. It’s Bombette!

Wario/P.T.: Oh…

Bombette: *sigh*

Wario: Come on…

Wario, P.T., and Bombette run toward the airport and make it to the Koopa Cruiser.

Wario: Now what?

P.T.: I dunno.

Wario: … Of course.

Meanwhile…

Daisy: I can’t wait for Wario… I have to do something myself…

Daisy looks over to a shelf to find a 1-Up Mushroom.

Daisy: … Well that was easy…

Daisy walks over and eats it. Eventually the formula kills her. But she comes back to life!

Daisy: That’s better.

Meanwhile…

Only guy still watching Daisy’s execution on TV: WOAH! DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING!

Meanwhile…

Cortez: (CORTEZ-VISION!)

Cortez shoots eye lasers at a part of the building above the cannon and it makes a hole. Daisy crawls out. Cortez then looks over to see the cannon ready to fire.

Cortez: (OH NO…)

General Guy’s voice: FIRE!

The cannon blasts Cortez’s skull off his body. The skull goes flying for a little ways until it finally explodes. The body sinks to the ocean floor.

Everyone Watching: Oooh. Aaah.

Bowser Jr.’s voice: It’s a good thing he was standing RIGHT there.

General Guy’s voice: Yeah, it is.

Meanwhile, Nastasia and the two Dark Koopatrols are now pursuing the escaping Daisy.

Daisy: Oh no…

Daisy is now on the cannon with Nastasia and two Dark Koopatrols after her.

Daisy: … The only other way to go is off the edge of the cannon and into the water… I hope I’m a strong swimmer!

Daisy runs along the cannon.

Nastasia: Stop!

Daisy: No way!

Nastasia: Grrrr…

Wario’s voice: RUN!

Daisy: Right!

Daisy continues to the end of the cannon to see the Koopa Cruiser with Wario, P.T., and Bombette on deck. Wario pulls out a rope and Daisy jumps and catches it. The Koopa Cruiser flies away.

P.T.: Audios loco tortuga lacayos!

Nastasia: … They got away…

Dark Koopatrol 1: What did he call us?

On deck…

Wario: So you’re okay?

Daisy: Yeah, I found a 1-Up Mushroom. So what’s this?

P.T.: We own this airship now. Anyway, I’m just glad we all made it away safely before Nastasia got any of us with her legendary infamous pimp slaps.

Bombette: And now I feel airsick…

Wario and P.T. go below deck. Daisy heads down and passes by a Koopa Pilot.

Daisy: So you guys are okay with this?

Koopa Pilot: Yeah, General Guy was abusive.

Daisy heads down into the control room but notices Wario and P.T.

Wario: So why did you act like we were at a dead end and then suddenly realize this could help us?

P.T.: You said I was an idiot, you should expect that!

Wario: Hey Daisy! C’mon!

Wario and P.T. lead Daisy to the control room.

Elvin: There you are! You must’ve been worried sick without them serving you tea!

Daisy: … No.

Elvin: Aw ****. But anyway I piloted this ship before! It’s mine now! Forget Koopa Cruiser! It’s now… The Gaddinator!

Wario: No.

Elvin: Anti-Koopa?

Wario: Not quite.

Elvin: Vivian?

Wario: Too sappy.

Elvin: Gadd Cruiser!

Wario: Okay!

Daisy: …

Petey walks in from another room.

Petey: We’re out of Yoohoos.

Daisy: Wow it’s like everyone’s- Wait… Where’s Merlon?

Merlon’s voice: I’m in the bathroom.

Daisy: Okay, maybe I didn’t need to know.

P.T.: Hey guys, I can give us information Koopa!

Elvin: You left out “on”.

P.T.: Whatever! Kamek just said that since he hates Koopa now he’s going to be spying on them, so I can tell you what THEY’RE doing instead of what was before.

Wario: Okay…

Petey: So you guys think we’ll be okay without Luigi?

Daisy: Well… The Millennium Star is on its way and there are four giant monsters running around Plit trying to kill everything. Definitely not a good time to lose the leader of the party.

P.T.: … If Vivian died and now Luigi’s gone missing, does that mean that Wario will die next?

Wario: HEY!

Elvin: That Luigi was pretty ****** weird though… I bet we’ll probably meet him again.

Petey: The ground swallowed him in the North Pole Hole. And you know what’s in the ground? ZA WARUDO*! And Plit Juice always makes its way to an island called Keelhaul Key! Maybe he’s there!

Daisy: Okay.

Elvin: Fine… Johnson! We’re going to Keelhaul Key!

Wario: How’s this one related to the others?

Elvin: He’s not.

Johnson: Okay.

The Gadd Cruiser flies to the southeastern island of Keelhaul Key. Daisy, Wario, and Elvin leave the others and the pilots to watch the ship.

Daisy: Have you seen a green Italian?

Chuckster: Yea,h he’s in the hospital right now.

Daisy: Oh no…

The three rush over to the hospital to find Luigi in a wheelchair. He’s asleep.

Wario: Luigi! Wake up!

Luigi: Zzz…

Dr. Toad: He’s in a Garlic Coma!

Elvin: Would tea solve this problem?

Dr. Toad: No… He has no idea of anything. He doesn’t know where he is, what he’s doing, or anything at all! He’s like Giygas that way.

Elvin: Fascinating… Can we have him?

Dr. Toad: Uhh, no? I don’t think he’d be good for anything. He’s all but dead.

Daisy: Can he get better?

Dr. Toad: I dunno. I think part of the problem may be hysterical. He can’t even eat anything so we don’t know if he’s eaten any 1-Ups lately. If he has for sure we could kill him and revive him… No wait, this problem seems like a mere 1-Up wouldn’t fix it… I don’t know. I’m not a real doctor. I just got this suit and they hired me to work here.

Daisy: You’re a fake doctor?!

Dr. Toad: Relax! No one’s died on me! … Yet…

Spear Guy Assistant: I think we need to let them be alone. You two, fat guy and old guy.

Wario: Wait, we’re friends, why can’t we stay?!

Spear Guy: Because!

The four leave.

Daisy: Aw man, Luigi… What’s happened to you? Why’s Dimentio got to do all this? And apparently Fawful wasn’t any help… I still think you’re a real person, if that helps.

Snifit: My appendix burst and I need medical attention!

Daisy: GET OUT! I’M HAVING A MOMENT!

Snifit: Eep!

Snifit runs away. Outside…

Wario: So what about him? Are you sure he can’t be fixed?

Dr. Toad: I don’t know. Most people die after what he went through!

Snifit: Hey, my-

Spear Guy: No one cares.

Snifit: Aww…

Wario: Hey, sometimes they call me “Dr. Wario”! I could-

Elvin: You said they revoked your medical license.

Wario: Oh yeah.

Daisy walks out.

Daisy: Guys, I’m staying here with Luigi until he gets better.

Elvin: What if he doesn’t?

Daisy: Then you’ll know where to find me.

Wario: First Vivian, then Luigi, now you… How many people are we going to lose?!

Elvin: And imagine how small the party would be without Bombette and Merlon…

Wario, Petey, Bombette, P.T., Merlon, Elvin, and the pilots are all in the control room on the Gadd Cruiser now. Elvin’s asleep.

Petey: Now what?

P.T.: … Guys! The short white Shy Guy and the blue office lady are talking about something, and Kamek can hear them! He wants me to tell you!

Meanwhile, Bowser Jr., General Guy, Kamek, and Nastasia are having a meeting.

Kamek: Where’s Lord Crump? Isn’t he supposed to be here?

Bowser Jr.: He quit after that tragic Mario Kart Wii item massacre. We’ve replaced him with a potato. He’s sitting in Crump’s old spot.

Potato: …

Kamek: Uh-huh…

Bowser Jr.: So anyway, now we all have to stop the Millennium Star and get rid of the Chaos Field around the North Pole Hole. Ideas? This is a casual meeting so no need to raise hands.

Kamek: I think we should-

Bowser Jr.: No. Lord Spud?

Potato: …

Bowser Jr.: No, we don’t have that kind of money…

General Guy: I know! Currently I have some Dark Koopatrols and the Yoshis collecting Special Badges so we can pack them into the old rocket and shoot it at the Millennium Star, destroying it!

Nastasia: K, that sounds good, yeah.

Bowser Jr.: Wait… Wouldn’t the explosion of the Millennium Star just cause a fraction of its remains to still head for Plit?

Nastasia: Better bits than the whole Star.

Bowser Jr.: But still that’d cause a lot of destruction.

Nastasia: K, what’s your plan?

Bowser Jr.: … I don’t know.

General Guy: The only Special Badges we need now are the ones at North Coral and Fort Sandbird… Mmm…

Bowser Jr.: What are you eating?

General Guy: Oh, just a potato I found in Crump’s old seat.

Bowser Jr.: YOU’RE EATING AN EXECUTIVE!

General Guy: AAAAH! I DIDN’T KNOW!

General Guy spits it out.

Bowser Jr.: Too late…

Meanwhile…

Wario: We need to get to North Coral! But first we need someone to lead the party without Luigi or Daisy… How about me?

Everyone: No.

Elvin wakes up.

Elvin: Ugh… Where’s my tea?!

A pilot runs in, serves him tea, and runs out.

Elvin: Now THAT’S service!

Merlon: I don’t want to be the leader.

Petey: I can’t take the pressure.

P.T.: I get the feeling everyone will say no.

Bombette: I don’t know what to do!

Merlon: That leaves Elvin.

Elvin: … *Snake’s voice* Are you kidding me?!

Merlon: *Colonel’s voice* I am not kidding.

Elvin: All right, fine… But there’s gonna be some ****** changes! First of all, no outside drinks allowed on this ship unless they’re tea!

Everyone Else: NO.

Elvin: ****! Let’s just go already…

Everyone Else: Hooray!

The ship takes off.

Petey: You really think we can still do this?

Wario: We’d better!

Merlon: I’d agree… If we weren’t going in the wrong direction.

Elvin: DAGNABBIT!

Elvin turns the ship around. NOW they’re on their way.

Read on!


 
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