Finally Fantastic Zero

By P.T. Piranha

Chapter 11: Tomb Raiding for Dummies

Birdo and Waluigi are in Seaside Town.

Waluigi: Birdo, can we go to the park?

Birdo: But Waluigi, what about Wario?

Waluigi: What about him? He’s made new friends! He can get money from them and I can be free!

Birdo: But we’ll die if only two of us go up against Fawful! Seriously, do you think we’re all that it takes to get through?

Waluigi: I have my super strength!

Birdo: ... It’s settled, we’re getting Wario.

Birdo and Waluigi go to the harbor and sneak onto the boat that the thieves get on. They’re carried all the way to Diamond City, which, oddly enough, is just fine, considering most of the other towns have been destroyed. They then follow the thieves into Diamond Cave.

Birdo: Hey, this is the cave that Popple and I went through before!

Waluigi: Hey, that’s the guy that I met on a train!

Shadow Mario: Hi.

Waluigi: What are you doing here?

Shadow Mario: It’s never really explained. Now I’m gonna steal all the treasure! HAHAHAHAHA!

Waluigi: NO!

Waluigi chases after Shadow Mario, and Birdo follows. Eventually the three are stopped at an underground lake near where Popple and Birdo beat the Magnus Von Drill way back when.

Bandit 1: Why are we here?

Purple Wind: Because!

Purple Wind breaks off a stalagmite and throws it in the water. He hops onto it and then through the doorway on the far side of the pond.

Bandits: Ooookaaaay...

The Bandits do the same thing, and then so do Birdo and Waluigi.

Waluigi: Aren’t you coming?

Shadow Mario: No, we’ll meet again... IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!

Waluigi: NOOOOOOOOO-

Birdo: Come on!

Birdo takes Waluigi and drags him into the castle.

Dieing Magon: Please... help Purple... Wind...

Birdo: Where’d he go?

Dieing Magon: To fix the engine... It might cost them money-

Pink Floyd: MONEY!

Dieing Magon: -to replace it...

Waluigi: I thought that joke was stopped ages ago! Well, the engine’s in the basement, so let’s go.

Birdo and Waluigi head into the basement to find the Purple Wind struggling with tentacles.

Waluigi: Wario!

Purple Wind: Waluigi, it’s a-me, Wario!

Birdo/Waluigi: *gasp* Why didn’t we figure it out sooner?!

Wario: Save me before it costs you!

Waluigi tries beating up the tentacles with his “super strength”, but Birdo just spits eggs at them until they’re all defeated. They drop Wario, who then removes his disguise.

Wario: Wahaha! WARIO is free!

Wario: ... Well I guess we can leave now.

Birdo: But what about saving the people of the castle?

Wario: Saving them? I just came to make sure that none of these freeloaders were taking anything from my treasure vault while I was gone!

The bandits then trample over Wario, running off with his treasure.

Wario: HEY!

Birdo: Not now, we need you to join the party so we can go kill Fawful!

Wario: It’ll cost you.

Birdo: Waluigi, pay him.

Waluigi: Aww...

Waluigi pays Wario.

Waluigi: Can I at least have five bucks for a coffee at the next town?

Birdo and Wario walk out of the room.

Wario: I think you know what I’ll say.

Waluigi: Aww...

Waluigi follows them. After raising the castle out of the sand, the party find that Diamond Castle is up near Chucklehuck Village.

Waluigi: Isn’t this where Popple’s dead girlfriend is?

...

Wario: Isn’t this where Popple’s dead girlfriend is?

Birdo: Yeah. But now he’s mine! MINE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Wario/Waluigi: Uh oh...

To keep Birdo from going mad with gloating, they’ve put a cork in her mouth and tie her to a pole, which Wario forces Waluigi to carry. They go into Podler’s place.

Buzzy Beetle: I still live in here.

Game Guys: Guys?!

Wario: Game Guy?!

Waluigi: (Dang it.)

Game Guy: Ever since the world ended, I’ve been sitting here the whole time!

Podler: It’s true. He walked in here a week ago and hasn’t left since then.

Wario: Come on, Game Guy, we’re going to kill Fawful!

Game Guy: I dunno... The ship’s broken... Unless... I have an idea!

Game Guy runs off and the others follow him. They follow him all the way to a gravestone in the middle of nowhere.

Game Guy: This is the tomb of my old girlfriend, Game Girl. She had a ship, so let’s use that! I put it at the bottom!

Game Guy removes the headstone from the ground and steps on the switch on the ground. A door opens!

Wario/Waluigi: Uh-huh...

Birdo: *still muffled*

Game Guy, Wario, and Waluigi (carrying Birdo) all get to the bottom of the tomb, only to find someone waiting for them.

Bonechill: I AM THE BOSS OF THIS LEVEL!

Game Guy: GET OUT OF MY FRIEND’S TOMB, JERK HEAD!

Game Guy throws a card that severs the wire connecting Bonechill’s head to his cannon.

Bonechill: OUCH! NOT COOL!

Bonechill reconnects himself.

Bonechill: You die now!

Waluigi: Way to go, Game Guy!

Game Guy: I’m going to kick you.

BOSS FIGHT!
Game Guy: 1000/1000
Wario: 1200/1200
Waluigi: 1000/1000
Birdo: 1100/1100 (tied)
Vs.
Bonechill: 4000/4000

Game Guy does a Roulette!
LEMON-LEMON-LEMON!
Game Guy uses Lemon Rain! Lemons pour on Bonechill’s head!
Bonechill: Ow.
150 damage!

Wario uses High-Tech Drill! 400 damage!

Waluigi tries to do a Suplex! Waluigi throws out his back trying!

Birdo is tied up!

Bonechill shoots an icicle at Wario!
Wario: I WAS FROZEN TODAY!
He is.

Game Guy: 1000/1000
Wario: 1200/1200 (frozen)
Waluigi: 1000/1000 (injured)
Birdo: 1100/1100 (tied)
Vs.
Bonechill: 3450/4000

Game Guy: Uhh...
Game Guy uses Roulette!
BIRD-BIRD-LEMON!
Nothing happens!
Game Guy: ...

Wario is frozen!

Waluigi’s in too much pain to fight!

Birdo’s tied up!

Bonechill scratches Game Guy! 100 damage!

Game Guy: 900/1000
Wario: 1200/1200 (frozen)
Waluigi: 1000/1000 (injured)
Birdo: 1100/1100 (tied)
Vs.
Bonechill: 3450/4000

Game Guy throws dice at Bonechill! 40 damage!

Wario is frozen!

Waluigi’s in too much pain to fight!

Birdo’s tied up!

Bonechill bites Game Guy! 400 damage!

Game Guy: 500/1000
Wario: 1200/1200 (frozen)
Waluigi: 1000/1000 (injured)
Birdo: 1100/1100 (tied)
Vs.
Bonechill: 3410/4000

Game Guy: Come on...
Game Guy uses Roulette!
SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN!
Game Guy: YES!
Game Guy uses Death Note!
Bonechill dies of a heart attack!
Game Guy: Just as planned...

Game Guy: 500/1000
Wario: 1200/1200 (frozen)
Waluigi: 1000/1000 (injured)
Birdo: 1100/1100 (tied)
Vs.
Bonechill: 0/4000

Game Guy, Wario, Waluigi, and Birdo win!
Game Guy gains a level! Wario gains a level! Waluigi returns from the chiropractor! Birdo gets nothing!
BATTLE OVER!

Game Guy: Well that was fun.

Waluigi picks up Birdo and everyone goes into the basement, even though this whole place is underground.

Game Guy: Anyone care to see a montage of me and Game Girl?

Wario/Waluigi: NO.

Game Guy: Aww...

Everyone goes downstairs and onto the deck of Game Girl’s ship, the Koopa Cruiser.

Game Guy: I’ve kept it here since I’m obsessed with her on a creepy level. But now is the time to use it!

Game Guy activates the ship, and it starts moving! Soon, it rises from the sea! The Koopa Cruiser is airborne!

Waluigi: Yay! This calls for cool background music!

Wario: Wahaha! I was right, it would work! You owe me, Waluigi!

Game Guy: With this thing, we’ll be able to kill Fawful! The game’s practically over right now!

Birdo spit’s the cork out... at Waluigi.

Birdo: Shouldn’t we look for our friends? And my boyfriend?

Wario: Why should we?!

Birdo: Well, we could use them as shields during the final battle.

Wario: WAHAHA! GLAD I THOUGHT OF IT! Where did you have in mind?

Birdo: Well, we only know that Vivian’s in Monstro Town... But look at that!

Birdley (from Mario & Luigi 3) is flying through the air.

Birdley: Must deliver message from Toadsworth! Must deliver message from Toadsworth!

Game Guy: Looks like we have some choices to make...

The party look out of their ship to the world around them. DAD-X would have to wait.
 

Chapter 12: Where Are They Now, FFZero Edition
Chapter 12A: Searching for Vivian

First, the characters decide to look for Vivian, since they know where she is.

Waluigi: Let’s look for Vivian!

Wario: No, she’s useless!

Waluigi: She’s the main character!

Game Guy: Waluigi’s right, Wario. It’d be weird to do this without her.

Waluigi: (I hate that guy...)

You: Wait, what?

And so the crew go to Monstro Town to look for Vivian. Birdo’s still tied up, forcing Waluigi to carry her around.

Waluigi: So she’s in one of the stores.

Koops walks out of the store all the people are in and goes to hide in another store. The others investigate.

Game Guy: Hey, where’s Vivian?

Koops: Wuh, don’t you want to hear me angst about my problems with Koopie Koo?

Wario: I’ll give you a nickel to not do that.

Koops: Oh, okay. She’s downstairs.

Wario: I lied.

Koops: NOOOOOO!!!

Everyone goes downstairs.

Koopie Koo: So do you think my relationship with Koops will still work?

Vivian: I don’t know. Seeing how many people ship him and me together in some fan fictions doesn’t help things.

Wario: HEY VIVIAN, JOIN THE PARTY.

Vivian: Birdo?! Waluigi?! You found more?!

Waluigi: -

Game Guy: Yes, they did. Now join the party, we could use a meat shield against Fawful.

Vivian: Well, I have to take care of the kids.

Birdo: We saw one of them running around with a torch, chasing other kids while you were in here.

Vivian: Oh, that’s just Steve.

(BOOM)

Vivian: Oh no!

Wario: Now what?!

Koopie Koo: Dry Bowser is back!

Waluigi: I’ll need to think of a plan on how to beat him...

Waluigi turns into The Thinker.

Birdo: AGAIN?!

Game Guy: Come on, guys, let’s go beat him up! Coming, Vivian?

Vivian: No, I can’t beat him... I’m useless...

Wario: Told you.

Everyone else goes outside, with Waluigi swinging Birdo tied to the stick like a weapon.

Wario: COME GET SOME!

BOSS!
Game Guy: 1100/1100
Wario: 1210/1210
Waluigi: 1000/1000
Birdo: 1100/1100 (tied)
Vs.
Dry Bowser: 3100/3100

Game Guy uses Roulette!
DIAMOND-DIAMOND-DIAMOND!
Game Guy uses Special Effects! 40 damage!

Wario farts! Everyone suffers 50 damage except for Wario!

Waluigi tries to use the Spirit Bomb! He fails!

Birdo spits an egg! 40 damage!

Dry Bowser throws bones at the party! 200 damage each!

Game Guy: 850/1100
Wario: 1010/1210
Waluigi: 760/1000
Birdo: 850/1100 (tied)
Vs.
Dry Bowser: 3050/3100

Game Guy throws cards! No effect!

Wario bites Dry Bowser! 10 damage!

Waluigi kicks Dry Bowser! 1 damage!

Birdo spits an egg! 40 damage!

Dry Bowser: ... THIS IS BORING!
Dry Bowser uses Fireball!
Blue fireballs knock Wario and Waluigi out of the battle!

Game Guy: 850/1100
Wario: -
Waluigi: -
Birdo: 850/1100 (tied)
Vs.
Dry Bowser: 2999/3100
BATTLE... OVER?

Dry Bowser: BWAHAHA!

The Wario Bros. have been knocked into a bush.

Game Guy: Drat, neither of the good fighters can help out. Nor can Waluigi!

Thwimp: Pwease weave us awone!

Dry Bowser: ROAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!

Thwimp: AAAAHHHHHH!!!

Vivian (watching from the house): !!! That’s it...

Vivian morphs into Star Vivian and sets her hat down so it doesn’t get dirty, then head rams into Dry Bowser, knocking him into a tree.

Game Guy: Vivian!

Birdo: Game Guy, why haven’t you untied me?

Star Vivian: I’LL KILL YOU!

Dry Bowser: Woah, aren’t you overreacting?!

The Thwimp hides behind a trash can.

Junker: Get away from me!

STORYLINE BOSS!
Star Vivian: 1200/1200
Game Guy: 850/1100
Birdo: 850/1100 (tied)
Vs.
Dry Bowser: 2999/3100

Star Vivian uses Star Beam! 300 damage!

Game Guy throws a slot machine handle! 10 damage!

Birdo spits a fireball! 30 damage!

Dry Bowser throws a bone at Star Vivian! No damage!
Dry Bowser: ...

Star Vivian: 1200/1200
Game Guy: 850/1100
Birdo: 850/1100 (tied)
Vs.
Dry Bowser: 2659/3100

Star Vivian uses UBER HAXOR! 9999 damage!
Dry Bowser’s defeated!

Star Vivian, Game Guy, and Birdo win!
Star Vivian/Vivian gains a level! Game Guy gets 45 exp! Birdo learns Eggplant Spit!
BATTLE OVER!

Dry Bowser is no more, and all the kids come out of hiding.

Goombario: Vivian, is that you?

Thwimp: Does dat make her a supah-hewo?

Goombaria: No, a superheroine.

Waluigi: I thought she was a Super Saiyan.

Star Vivian: Birdo, Game Guy, Waluigi... I’m coming with you, and I know what I’m fighting for! I-

Game Guy: Yeah whatever, let’s go, Vivian.

Star Vivian: That’s Mama Vivian to you, Game Guy!

Game Guy: ...

Star Vivian turns back into normal Vivian and Waluigi puts the hat back on her head.

Waluigi: Come on, Wario, time to find a different character!

Wario’s hand sticks out of the bush with the thumbs up.

Vivian has been found.

Chapter 12B: Searching for Luvbi

Birdo: It’s good that I’m untied. I say we look for Popple next.

Game Guy: No, his dungeon requires more people. Let’s look for other people first.

Waluigi: If Dry Bowser’s dead, I wonder if Bowser is in his house in Poshley Heights.

Game Guy: Good question. Let’s see!

In Poshley Heights...

Goldbob: Yeah, Bowser still lives around here.

The Party (Vivian/Game Guy/Wario/Waluigi): ...

Everyone heads to Bowser’s house. Inside...

Kamek: Oh, Bowser? He’s in the basement.

Vivian: Why?

Kamek: What am I, his babysitter?!

Game Guy: Weren’t you?

Kamek: ... Oh yeah! I don’t know why he’s down there, though.

Everyone goes downstairs, past the painting of Wart, and into a strange hallway with talking portraits.

Portrait Ghosts: AAAAAHHH!!!

The Portrait Ghosts panic and flee.

Vivian: Weird...

Everyone goes to the back room to find Luvbi using a computer next to Bowser.

Bowser: HOW’D YOU GET IN HERE?!

Vivian: Is this a bad time?

Bowser: YAY-EAH! She’s making something for me on Microsoft Paint! Get out!

Waluigi: We need her to save the world!

Bowser: Too bad!

Vivian: Please?

Vivian tries to make a puppy dog face despite the fact that her only facial feature is a mouth.

Bowser: Fine... if you can beat the monster in the computer that’s made her a zombie.

Game Guy: Sure, why not?

Wario: How about the fact that we’re not being paid?

Bowser: Fat chance, fatty!

Wario: Grr, I’m gonna throw that computer at you!

Virus: I DON’T THINK SO!

The computer lifts itself up and causes all kinds of things in the room to fly around.

Hey! Everyone, listen up! Your attention if you please!
We wanna give you a warning, ‘cause I found out this morning-
‘Bout a DAN-GER-OUS, insidiouscomputervirus-
IF you should get an email with the subject, “Stinky Cheese”-
Then we’re not taking no chances, under no circumstances-
Should you open it OR ELSE IT WILL...
Translate your documents into Swahili-
Make your-

Vivian grabs Waluigi and throws him THROUGH the computer monitor, breaking it.

Virus: NOOOO!

The virus is dead. Luvbi returns to normal.

Luvbi: ... What just happened?!

Bowser: Good, you stopped her. Now get back to work, Fluffy!

Vivian: You said we’d get her to join the party if we freed her.

Bowser: I lied.

***

The party has returned to the Koopa Kruiser.

Vivian: Glad to have you back with us, Luvbi.

Waluigi: I just hope Bowser can recover.

Meanwhile...

Bowser is lying in a hospital bed.

Bowser: Ouch...

Luvbi has been found.

Chapter 12C: Searching for Toadsworth

The Koopa Kruiser rams into Ridley, knocking him into the ocean.

Ridley: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Everyone: ... What?

Birdo: I guess he was supposed to be Doomgaze. Oh well. Hey look, it’s Birdley!

Game Guy: Cool, I’ll hit him too and we can get bonus points for hitting such a small target!

Birdo: No, we can use him to find Toadsworth!

Game Guy: Awww...

They follow Birdley all the way to Delfino Square.

Goomba: Beware the giant Pokey that appears once you kill ten Pokeys!

Game Guy: Don’t care.

Birdley flies out of a house, so the party goes into it.

Wario: You! Where’d that bird fly to?!

Toodles: Oh, he went to Mt. Rougeport.

Wario: But why?! And how do you even know?! Either explain or give me some money!

Toodles flips him a gold coin.

Wario: Wow, that was easier than I thought.

Toodles: That’s because I’m rich.

Wario: CHA-CHING!

Wario pulls a diamond ring out of nowhere and almost tries to pop the question, but Game Guy and Waluigi grab Wario and drag him out of the house.

Vivian: Thank you for your time.

In Rogueport...

Vivian: Wait, how do we get to Mt. Rogueport?

Waluigi: We could ask someone.

Wario: No, everyone here lies, remember?!

Waluigi: But didn’t someone back in Poshley Heights once say that there was this one guy who doesn’t lie?

Charlieton: That’d be me.

Wario: We’ll see about that. Do I have two feet?

Charlieton: Yes.

Wario: Drat, now I can’t punch him... Oh well I’ll do it anyway!

...

Vivian, Wario, Waluigi, and Game Guy finish climbing a cliffside of Mt. Rogueport.

Game Guy: And THIS is why we don’t punch people who can give us ways of getting here without breaking our backs!

Waluigi: Yeah, idiot!

Waluigi slaps Wario.

Wario: Why you little-

Wario starts strangling Waluigi.

Game Guy: ...?

Vivian: Nah, just leave them.

Soon, Vivian and Game Guy find Toadsworth standing on a cliff.

Game Guy: Toadsworth!

Toadsworth turns.

Toadsworth: *Gasp!* Master Game Guy! Ms. Vivian! You’re alive!

Vivian: Yeah... What are you doing here?

Toadsworth: I... I don’t knoweth!

Game Guy: Well come on, we’re gonna kill Fawful.

Toadsworth: Cheerio! Let’s doeth it!

Vivian/Game Guy: Wait, what?

Toadsworth: By the way, I ran into Master Yoshi the other dayeth.

Vivian: Oh, where was he?

Toadsworth: Oh, the chap was headest toward Bumpsy Plains. I say, it’s not very healthy for me to mix a stereotypical British accent with Shakespeare-style speaking...

Game Guy: It’s still around?

Toadworth: No, I just talk that way for fun.

Game Guy: I meant Bumpsy Plains.

Toadsworth: Yeah... So do we go?

Vivian: Sure.

Game Guy: By the way, what’s with Toodles?

Toadsworth: My wife’s dead, it’s time I moved on!

Game Guy: Weren’t you seeing that chef right before the world ended?

Toadsworth: ... No?

Game Guy: ... Whatever.

Toadsworth has been found.

Chapter 12D: Searching for Yoshi on Purpose, and Someone Else by Chance

Toadsworth: It is here!

The Koopa Kruiser lands on a large island that’s actually much smaller than the original Bumpsy Plains. Vivian, Toadsworth, and Luvbi get out.

RANDOM BATTLE!
Vivian: 1300/1300
Toadsworth: 1000/1000
Luvbi: 1000/1000
Vs.
Cowboy Jed: 40/40

Cowboy Jed: ... Aw dang it...

The party outrageously owns Cowboy Jed! 3000 damage!
The party wins!
Wild Yoshi appears!

Vivian: 1300/1300
Toadsworth: 1000/1000
Luvbi: 1000/1000
Vs.
Cowboy Jed: 0/40
Yoshi: 1000/1000

Yoshi: Friends! Yoshi find you!

Luvbi: Ew, why’s he smell like fish?

Yoshi: Yoshi swim all the way here!

Luvbi uses Wing Slap! 3 damage!

Yoshi: Ow!

Toadsworth: Master Yoshi, join us!

Yoshi: Does Yoshi get food?

Toadsworth: Uhh... How about that worm over yonder hill?

Yoshi: Mmm... Worm’s good!

Yoshi uses Party Join!

Vivian: 1300/1300
Toadsworth: 1000/1000
Luvbi: 1000/1000
Yoshi: 997/1000
Vs.
Cowboy Jed: 0/40

Vivian, Toadsworth, and Luvbi win! Yoshi joins the party!
No one gains anything!
BATTLE OVER!

Luvbi: Well that was short. Lame!

Vivian: At least we’ll be beating Fawful sooner.

Yoshi: But what about Weird Man?

Vivian: ... Who?

Yoshi: Weird Man! He in nearby cave!

Luvbi: ... Oh, the idiot with the cute Chain Chomp. Except it’s not as cute as me!

Toadsworth: *coughConceitedcough*!

Luvbi: ...

Vivian: All right, fine, we’ll look for him in the cave.

Everyone heads into Bumpsy Caves and walks around until they find P.T. lying facedown on the ground, as well as a hole in the ceiling above him.

Toadsworth: Egads-

Ghost of E. Gadd: I’m dead, leave me alone!

Toadsworth: -has he been lying there this whole week?

Vivian: No, he has a Wendy’s cup in his hand. I’m guessing he’s gotten up since then.

Grim Reaper: BARK! BARK!

Yoshi: Chomp!

Grim Reaper: BARK! BARK!

Yoshi: Okay!

Luvbi: What’d he say?

Yoshi: Look behind you.

The party look behind them.

BOSS BATTLE!
Vivian: 1300/1300
Toadsworth: 1000/1000
Luvbi: 1000/1000
Yoshi: 997/1000
Vs.
Monstar: 2000/2000

Vivian: I can’t take so many boss fights in such short proximity of each other!
Vivian uses Fiery Jinx! 200 damage!

Toadsworth uses #5 Attack! Monstar is defeated instantly!

...
Monztar appears from the other side!
Monztar punches Yoshi! 40 damage!

Vivian: 1300/1300
Toadsworth: 1000/1000
Luvbi: 1000/1000
Yoshi: 957/1000
Vs.
Monstar: 0/2000
Monztar: 2000/2000

Luvbi uses Overthere Light! Monztar is defeated instantly!

Vivian: 1300/1300
Toadsworth: 1000/1000
Luvbi: 1000/1000
Yoshi: 957/1000
Vs.
Monstar: 0/2000
Monztar: 0/2000

Vivian, Toadsworth, Luvbi, and Yoshi win!
Vivian gains 442 exp! Toadsworth gains a level! Luvbi gains a level! Yoshi gets nothing!
BATTLE OVER!

P.T. is standing in darkness. Torpedo Ted appears.

Torpedo Ted: How dare you betray me?! I’m a torpedo!

P.T.: How’d I betray you?

Torpedo Ted: You... Actually, I can’t think of anything. Never mind.

...

Torpedo Ted and P.T. are in a forest.

Torpedo Ted: We just robbed that train clean!

P.T.: We did? I had no idea, I overslept at the station and missed it.

Torpedo Ted: Me too.

P.T.: Then how’d we rob it?

Bum-bum-BUUUUUUUM!

...

P.T.: Torpedo Ted, what happened to you?!

Torpedo Ted: I... jumped off the diving board... and missed the glass of water... I’ll get a game over now...

P.T.: But aren’t you stronger than that?

Torpedo Ted: I can defy logic... because... I’m a torpedo! Finish me... so the Sub-con guys won’t...

P.T.: Well if you say so- Ooh, shiny!

P.T. runs off.

...

P.T. heads into a village and a small Chain Chomp greets him.

Chomp: BARK! BARK!

P.T.: I don’t speak Japanese.

Nimbi: Welcome to O--r!

P.T.: ... O--r? Oh, you mean Over!

Nimbi: Well way to spoil it.

P.T.: Whatever.

...

P.T. walks out of Grambi’s house.

P.T.: I don’t care if I don’t live there, Grambi! If I want that toaster I’ll take it! You know it’s the envy of the village!

Grambi’s voice: Get out before you give my daughter nightmares!

P.T.: Blah blah blah, there’d better be food.

Chomp (Grim Reaper): BARK!

P.T.: Don’t you belong to Grambi and his little kid?

Grim Reaper: BARK!

P.T.: You’d rather follow me because of the bacon in my pocket? Okay.

FLASH!

P.T. wakes up in Over.

Luvbi: Okay, he’s up, we can leave now, right?

Toadsworth: Yeah.

Luvbi: That’s my way of speaking!

Toadsworth: But you don’t use it.

Luvbi: ... I’m gonna go sulk on the ship!

Luvbi flies out the window.

Vivian: Well that was odd...

P.T.: Mommy, can I go to the Coliseum?

Yoshi: ... Yes?

Vivian: Whatever, we’ll leave you with your pet now.

Yoshi has been found, and P.T. has been left in Over.

Chapter 12E: Searching for Popple

Birdo: NOW we search for Popple!

Vivian: All right, fine! Where do you think he is?

Waluigi: I think the guy in-

Wario: I think the guy in Chucklehuck Village mentioned Popple going to Phoenix Cave.

Waluigi: (I hate you, Game Guy.)

Toasdworth: So we should go, then.

Wario: (I hate you, Wario. . Wait, what?)

At Phoenix Cave...

Phoenix Wright: OBJECTION!

Birdo: (sarcastically) Didn’t see THAT joke coming...

Birdo, Toadsworth, Yoshi, and Luvbi look around for Popple on their side of the cave. Meanwhile, Vivian, Wario, Waluigi, and Game Guy look around on the other side.

Wario: What the?! Someone’s been through all the treasures! This makes me angry!

Meanwhile, Birdo’s team finds Popple.

Birdo: Popple!

Popple: ... Oh no...

Birdo: Now we can be together forever!

Popple: Um-uh-

Luvbi: Why are you even here?

Popple: Oh... For THIS!

Popple holds out a 1-Up Mushroom.

Popple: Now let’s go to Chucklehuck Village.

There...

Popple: Hey Kuzzle, I’m back.

Kuzzle: Oh, hi Popple. Bobble’s body and I just got back from Neon Heights. Those Shy Guys, let me tell you-

Popple: Not now!

Popple somehow gets Bobble to eat. The room glows red.

Voice: OBJECTION!

1-Up!

Bobble wakes up! She’s alive!

Popple: All right, I did it!

Bobble: No, Popple. That was a Dried 1-Up Mushroom.

.5-Up!

Popple: What?

Bobble: I only have long enough to live to the end of this scene.

Popple: Oh no!

Bobble: Popple, you need to stop obsessing over me. It’s creepy. You need to move on.

Popple: But I don’t love anyone else! Money, however... But still-

Bobble: And you, Kuzzle…

Kuzzle: Hi.

Bobble: You and your buddies can’t just take my dead body wherever you want! It’s not right!

Kuzzle: So the movie “Weekend at Bobble’s” won’t fly?

Bobble: Popple, I’m going to give you a new summon, so that’ll cheer you up.

Popple: But it won’t.

Bobble: What’s that, can’t hear you.

Bobble fades away and a Cobalt Star appears where she once lay.

Popple: ...

Popple takes it and walks out of the room.

Kuzzle: Bye!

Outside...

Birdo: Popple!

Popple: Ugh... Hi, Birdo...

Birdo: Now you can join us!

Popple: Fine, whatever.

Yoshi walks up, dragging P.T.

Yoshi: Yoshi went to coliseum nearby! Yoshi fought Weird Man! Yoshi won!

FLASHBACK!

Yoshi: Yoshi win! Want join party?

P.T.: Sure, why not.

END FLASHBACK!

Popple: All right, Birdo, I’ll go with you guys. What are we doing?

Birdo: We’re gonna go kill Fawful!

Popple: Sounds fun, let’s do it.

The characters all head back to the Koopa Kruiser.

Popple has been found. Oh, and P.T. too.

Chapter 12F: Searching for Grambi
Popple, Birdo, Luvbi, and P.T. all head to the fancy, Fawful-themed tower.

Popple: *Gasp!* The most hideous sight of all! Cultists doing a conga line!

Cultists: FAWFUL... FAWFUL... FAWFUL...

Goomba: Yeah, these are the Fawful Fanboys. They sold their souls by the seashore for sixty cents and a sundae to celebrate the sinister Fawful.

Luvbi: Wait... Father?!

Grambi is in the Conga Line For Fawful.

Grambi: FAWFUL... FAWFUL...

Luvbi: Dad! Wake up!

Goomba: No, you’ve got to shout out his name.

Luvbi: ... Oh no! I never learned my dad’s name!

Popple: What?!

Luvbi: Well I’m supposed to call him “Dad”, “Father” or other things!

Popple: Wouldn’t you have heard it at least once?!

Luvbi: Uh, well there was my mom... Uh, let’s see... Grams?

Grambi: FAWFUL... FAWFUL...

Luvbi: Oh! The script! GRAMBI!

Grambi snaps out of it.

Grambi: Aah! ... Luvbi! You’re alive! Now I have no reason to be a part of this cult!

Cultists: NOT AMUSED... BUT STILL LOVING FAWFUL... FAWFUL... FAWFUL...

Grambi: Oh Luvbi, I’m so glad we’re back together!

Luvbi: Yeah.

Grambi has been found.

Chapter 12G: Searching for Cudge

Popple: Okay, so let’s see... We’ve got me, Vivian, Wario, his brother, Birdo, the interviewer, Toadsworth, Yoshi, Game Guy, Grambi, and his kid. I guess that’s everyone!

Grambi: What about Cudge?

Popple: ... Cudge?

Grambi: He’s the Pixl. He was with Vivian and me on Wart Island!

Popple: Cudge... Cudge...

FLASHBACK!

Popple’s damaged by all the Blue Shells. Suddenly a bunch of Pixls come in.

Popple: Hey! Pixls!

Cudge: What did you think we were?

...

Cudge bonks Croco on the head and then hammers him off the cliff.

Croco: YOU JERK!

Cudge: That was easier than I thought.

Popple: YOU CAN TALK?!

...

Game Guy shakes his head and gives Popple a shard. It’s from the jar Jarvis was in!

Popple: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Cudge: So now what?

END FLASHBACK!

Popple: You know, let’s NOT get him.

Grambi tries to make a puppy face.

Popple: That... doesn’t really work with you...

He’s still going for it.

Popple: ... ALL RIGHT! Just stop making that face, it’s unsettling! Let’s head for Fahr Outpost, I heard that place is really creepy now.

In Fahr Outpost, Popple is dragging P.T. through the streets.

P.T.: Can I make a snownimbi?

Popple: No. We were only picked so we can have screentime!

P.T.: What about Grambi?

Popple: *shudder* Don’t ever mention that name to me again...

Inside the mines, the two guys find Cudge.

Popple: Hey! Cudge! Join the party!

Cudge: But... all the other Pixls died!

P.T.: How?

Cudge: DAD-X did it!

Popple: Good, we’re gonna go kill him anyway. Come on, it’ll be fun, see?

Cudge: Fine. But first we have to get my slave from deeper in the cave.

Popple: Whatever.

Cudge joins the party! The group proceed through the mines, past the dragon in the snowfield, and to the cliff with Kalmar.

Kalmar: We must do battle so I can be a summon-

Cudge hits his hammerhead against the ice, breaking it and freeing Kalmar. He hits Kalmar directly, and Kalmar is now a Cobalt Star.

Cudge: There, you’re a summon.

Cudge picks up the Cobalt Star and jumps off the cliff. P.T. picks up Popple and follows.

P.T.: Whoops.

They’re on a rocket cargo platform with Primids all over the place.

Olimar: (I saw these two strange guys. It looked like they imitated the actions of the other captain and myself.)

Captain Falcon: Show your moves!

Popple/P.T.: ...

The two run off the platform and land on top of Gourmet Guy in a cave.

Cudge: Took ya long enough! We need a motto for situations like this.

Popple: Shut up and take us to your slave!

Cudge: It could work.

Popple: That’s not what I-

Cudge: There he is!

Cudge flies off and the other two follow him.

Popple: Shiny!

Popple pulls a Cobalt Star out of a pile of banana peels.

???: HOW DARE YOU?!

Donkey Kong angrily marches in, but his fur is white instead of brown.

P.T.: Yeti DK?!

DK: DIE!

Cudge: Wait-

Yeti DK grabs P.T. and uses him like a baseball bat to beat up Popple.

Popple/P.T.: OUCH!

Cudge bonks DK on the head.

Cudge: DK, PAY ATTENTION! We’re killing Fawful!

CD-I Luigi: And YOU gotta help us!

DK: Huh?

Cudge gives DK a banana.

DK: Ooh... banana... I help...

The world turns dark around DK.

An awesomely powerful character. But you’ll never know because he’s always under CPU control! BURN!

(Name)
D-O-N-K-E-Y K-O-N-G

The world returns.

DK: Let’s go.

Cudge: Okay. C’mon, guys!

Popple/P.T. are unconscious…

Cudge has been found and DK has been introduced.

Chapter 12H: Meeting Someone New...

The Koopa Kruiser is flying around.

Popple: There. Now we found everyone, happy?!

Grambi: Yes.

Game Guy: Guys, the ship’s low on gas. We’re gonna have to stop at the island shaped like a triangle so I can... uh... WE’RE STOPPING THERE!

The ship stops on the island, barely missing the small boy putting a shiny pearl in a statue’s hands. Vivian, Grambi, and DK get out of the ship.

Vivian: I guess now is as good a time as any to get DK used to fighting for us-

RANDOM BATTLE!
Vivian: 2000/2000
Grambi: 2000/2000
DK: 2200/2200
Vs.
Wracktail: ???/???

Wracktail eats Grambi!
Vivian: Eeek!
DK: *gorilla noise*

Vivian uses Fiery Jinx! 200 damage!

DK throws Vivian at Wracktail! 200 damage!

Wracktail shoots an antenna laser at Vivian! 130 damage!

Vivian: 1870/2000
Grambi: ...
DK: 2200/2200
Vs.
Wracktail: ???/???

Wracktail eats Vivian!

DK: Oh no.
DK randomly punches Wracktail! 40 damage!
Wracktail eats DK!

BATTLE OVER!

DK wakes up in a cave.

Grambi: I didn’t know the inside of a robot dragon would be a cave.

Vivian: Well there’s the exit right up these stairs... I’m not sure how that works. Wanna see what’s here, guys?

Grambi/DK: Oh most certainly, ma’am!

Vivian, Grambi, and Donkey Kong head all the way through the tricks and traps of Wracktail’s belly. The traps all consist entirely of candies atop piles of leaves covering holes. Stupid. Eventually they go into a door and find themselves in a business office.

Grambi: ... What?

Dodo: ... What?

It’s Dodo, from Super Mario RPG. The world turns dark around him.

He’s dumb and copies other people because he’s too dumb to think of his own attacks.

(Name)
D-O-D-O

The world comes back.

Vivian: Who are you?

Dodo: Who are you?

Vivian: I’m Vivian.

Dodo: I’m Vivian.

Vivian: So your name’s Vivian?

Dodo: So your name’s Vivian?

Vivian: Yes.

Dodo: Yes.

DK: OOK!

Dodo: OOK!

Vivian: Oh, you’re just copying us. Why?

Dodo: Oh, you’re just copying us. Why?

Grambi: Well, time to join the party and help you guys kill Fawful.

Dodo: Well, time to join the party and help you guys kill Fawful.

Dodo joined the party!

Dodo: ... (Drat.)

Vivian: All right, let’s go.

Dodo: All right, let’s go.

Vivian and friends leave. Dodo leaves, in order to copy them. Outside...

Game Guy: Hey, who’s that?

Dodo: Hey, who’s that?

Vivian whispers in Dodo’s... well, wherever his ear would be.

Dodo: I’m Dodo, I copy everything everyone around me says, and now I’m helping you guys kill Fawful.

Vivian: I whispered that in his ear so you’d only hear him say it, so it’s not repetitive.

Dodo: I whisp-

DK holds Dodo’s mouth shut.

Game Guy: Okay guys, let’s go. We’ve got some sidequests to take care of, first.

Vivian, Grambi, DK, and Dodo get on the Koopa Kruiser and it takes off.

Everyone has been found.

Read on!


 
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