The referee:

The announcer:

***

Birdo: Ooh! Do I really get to announce?

Roy: Yeah, but please don't sicken all of us.

Hammer Brother: I just hope you do as good a job as I did! I know I can do better than Pokey.

Roy: ... Just don't screw up.

Birdo: Hey guys and gals! We have a beautiful match today, because it is between two impressive opponents. Let's bring them out!

Spiny: I've had it up to here with you!

Lakitu: Up to where? I can't even see that low!

Spiny: Why you-

Lakitu: -Puny ant!

Spiny: Again with the height!

Lakitu: Which you have none of.

Birdo: Boys, please, after the fight begins.

Lakitu: Sure, whatever.

Spiny: No, right now! Since he agreed.

Lakitu: Why you-

Birdo: Shaddap! Now, um, in the Red Corner, we have... uh... Lohkeeto.

Lakitu: That's... Lahkitwo.

Birdo: If you say so! And in the Blue Corner, we have Spiny.

Spiny: Njah! She got my name right!

Birdo: Wow, two members of the original Koopa Troop! Oh, but before we get to the battle, my notes say we have to go to Larry for his analysis, then Roy for the spectator of the week. Larry?

Larry: Well, I think Lakitu is stronger, but I am betting on Spiny because Lakitu seems too overdetermined.

Roy: Our spectator of the week is... Kooper!

Kooper: Me?!

Roy: If your name is Kooper.

Kooper: Is it?

Roy: ... Start the battle.

Hammer Brother: Ok people, let's have a fair match.

Spiny: I'll fight fair when he does.

Lakitu: In your dreams!

Bob-omb King: I'm the one who Fights Fair!

Hammer Brother: First you gotta shake hands.

Lakitu: With him?! No way!

Spiny: Even if I wanted to, I have no hands.

Hammer Brother: Oh... well then, just smile.

Lakitu and Spiny smile briefly, then sneer when Hammer Brother looks away.

Hammer Brother: Ok, let the fight... begin!

Lakitu: And Lakitu bursts from his corner and speeds towards Spiny!

Birdo: Hey! It's my job to narrate!

Lakitu: Sorry sister, I write my own history.

Spiny: Oh yeah?! Well Spiny runs out of his corner even faster.

Lakitu: Lakitu fires a thunderbolt!

Spiny: But Spiny skillfully avoids it! In fact, it was nowhere close!

Lakitu: No, I hit you!

Spiny: Nuh uh, and then I fired a thorn at you!

Twink: Ow...

Lakitu: Haha! You missed!

Spiny: Yeah? Well what ya gonna do about it!

Lakitu: Lakitu swoops down and smacks Spiny. Spiny is going down!

Spiny: Uh, hello? That was like, a breeze, right?

Lakitu: Well, no, not really.

Spiny: I jump at Lakitu and take him down!

Lakitu: ... Did you get off the floor?

Spiny: A little.

Lakitu: Haha! Now it's time for my specialty attack.

Spiny: What are ya gonna do, breathe on me?

Lakitu: Even better! Lakitu throws three Spinies down into the ring.

Spiny 1: Hey! That's not fair!

Spiny 2: You said it! I declare forfeit in my favor!

Spiny 3: You?! I'm the real Spiny!

Spiny 4: Hello?! I've been battling Lakitu the whole time!

Lakitu: And Lakitu watches calmly as the Spinies kill each other.

Spiny 1, 3, and 4: Glak!

Spiny 2: See? I said I was real!

Lakitu: No you didn't, and anyway now I will breathe on you.

Spiny 2: Glak!

Birdo: ... Oh, I get to speak? Here comes Hammer Brother!

Hammer Brother: One... two... three... four... five... (come on, get up!)... six... seven... eight... nine... ten. Knock Out.

Lakitu: Hoo yeah! I knew I was the best!

Birdo: So Lakitu defeats Spiny after all. Any comment, Larry?

Larry: ... I'm still one for four.

Roy: Time for a special battle! Oh Kooper?

Kooper: Yes Roy?

Roy: It's the chair for you!

Kooper: Blagadiblagadiblagadiblagadiblagadiblag! End transmission!

The winner:

The loser:

Now you have a choice:
You can go back and memorize the rest of the battles.
You can go back to the boxing arena, because I know you loved it so much!
Anyone who rats about the conditions here will be personally pounded by me! If you'd like a pounding, you can also go back to Lemmy's Land.