The Mushroom Games

By Crazy Packers Fan

Episode 2

Crazy Packers Fan: Welcome to this week’s edition of... the Mushroom Games! I’m sure we have 56 excited members here.

All of the Hammer Brothers are asleep.

Crazy Packers Fan: Make that 48 members.

All of the Mario Morons are chasing Mario.

Crazy Packers Fan: 40 who want to play.

Iggy: Who said “want”?

Crazy Packers Fan: I don’t care whether you want to or not! You’re playing, and that’s that!

Goombaria: What? What? What happened here?

Crazy Packers Fan: *sigh* Every week, there’s always someone who’s not interested, but you’re going to be
interested whether you like it or not! Now everyone here loves Mario Kart, right?

Roy: Time for a flashback...

Crazy Packers Fan: I know everyone here just loves Mario Kart...

Everyone in the audience starts to cheer, but all the people out there who just finished in fifth place on
Bowser’s Castle pick their cartridge out of the system and throw it at the screen in anger.

Crazy Packers Fan: So we’re going to have a Mario Party!

Roy: Here we go again...

Crazy Packers Fan: So we’re going to have a Mario Kart race!

Wendy: For real?

Crazy Packers Fan: No, for fake. Of course! Mario Party is a little boring typing it all out, and golf... So Mario Kart is this week’s contest. It comes in three parts. One: Building a kart. This must be a kart big enough
to fit everyone. No ? Blocks will be on the tracks, so you must put items on board. A panel of great judges
will put the karts in order of how good they look and award coins. Two: Racing the track. The winners will receive coins, in order of how they finish. Three: Battle. Again, more coins given out. The coins will be used to decide who gets the points for the teams’ standings. Remember, everyone’s chasing the Super Koopas...

Ludwig: BOO!!!

Crazy Packers Fan: So don’t let them win this week!

Washu: Why not?

Crazy Packers Fan: Because then we’ll lose interest for the next episode if one team’s blowing the rest out!

Ludwig 222: It’s a conspiracy!

Crazy Packers Fan: Now go build your karts!

Daisy: With what?

Crazy Packers Fan: With what. With the supplies over there! Uh oh...

Yoshi: *burp* Sorry...

Crazy Packers Fan: Now you’ll have to find anything around this stadium and use it to your advantage.

Mario Morons

Mario: Mario Kart 64? Mario Kart: Super Circuit? Super Mario Kart?

Peach: You remember these games, don’t you?

Mario: Mario Party? Paper Mario? Super Mario Bros.? Donkey Kong?

Daisy: He’s hopeless. At least Wario’s here to help us out, and so is Waluigi.

Waluigi: I’m scared of go-karts!

Daisy: Well, at least Wario.

Wario: Come on, Yoshi, let’s go get some food.

Daisy: There’s still Toad and Luigi!

Luigi: Got to go now...

Daisy: Toad?

Toad: Why would I want to help?

Daisy: It’s Peach and I who have to build this kart!

Peach: Use my go-kart from the game and get some other seats from that truck.

Daisy: What’s that truck?

Peach: It’s the truck with all the supplies. It just came in because Yoshi ate all the other supplies.

Kool Koopas

Ludwig: According to my calculations, this will be the best go-kart ever!

Iggy: Why make me do all the work?

Morton: Because you’re small and you’re little and you’re a paperweight and you’re useless and you’re
pointless and you’re...

Wendy: We have these monster wheels, a V-88 engine and a cockpit with eight seats in it! This is like driving
an 18-wheeler! Why so big?

Ludwig: We’ll crunch everyone else with this. Got the automatic weapons, Roy?

Roy: Yep. Fifteen Lightning Bolts, seventeen Spiny Shells, twenty-nine Mushrooms, fifty-one Stars,
seventy-three Red Shells, one hundred and one Green Shells, two thousand five hundred forty-three

Lemmy: Why so much?

Ludwig: We’ll kill anyone who tries to race the track. We’ve got to impress those intellectual judges!

Susan: Why?

Ludwig: To get points.

Susan: Why?

Ludwig: To win the coins.

Susan: Why?

Ludwig: To buy stuff.

Susan: Why?

Ludwig: To... Why, you, shut up before I have to...

Larry: I’ve got a report in. The Hammer Brothers have a go-kart twice this size with Hammers, Boomerangs,
Fireballs, and Sledge Hammers automatically fired out!

Ludwig: We’ll lose for sure!

Larry: And the Goofy Goombas have a normal-sized kart with tons of tacks flying out the back of it.

Ludwig: We’ll finish next-to last!

Larry: The Pitiful Piranhas have a gigantic pipe on wheels!

Ludwig: Last!

Lemmy: What’s the panic about? Why get all worried about these others when ours will still beat theirs?

Ludwig: We aren’t putting enough weapons in. Tell Roy to triple our ammunition!

Larry: The Mario Morons have no kart!

Ludwig: We’ve got this race nailed down! We’ll win for sure now!

Lemmy: What the? Ludwig changes his mind and his opinion so easily!

Super Koopas

Richard: What the heck is this piece of junk?

Sandslash: Don’t call it junk! This is the best machine we could build!

The Mario Surfer: Did it have to look like the head of Pikachu with wheels on the bottom?

Sandslash: No one questions the powerful Sandslash!

Smash: Well, I still think it could look better...

Misty Koopa: It doesn’t matter. Maybe one of those judges likes Pokémon...

Rachelle: Did anyone think of putting weapons on it?

Sandslash: It has automatic electric shooters that shoot when within ten meters of the nearest kart.

Washu: Do we use the metric system on Plit?

Richard: We’re going to lose with this...

Ludwig 222: Hey, I’m pretty good at writing scripts! I’ll just rewrite this script when we’re about to lose!

Rachelle: No script this time.

Ludwig 222: No script? Anything written by Crazy Packers Fan has a script!

Washu: This is actually happening!

Ludwig 222: Is it?

The Mario Surfer: If it’s a Scribble, it may not-

Crazy Packers Fan: Time’s up!

Hammer: Hey, we didn’t get a close-up look!

Crazy Packers Fan: I don’t want to waste everyone’s time with that! Full descriptions will be available in
a moment. Now the judges will decide. Here are today’s judges...

Bowser: Hey, big guys!

Spike Top: I can’t wait until I can kill Bowser...

Triclyde Head 1: What a good day!

Triclyde Head 2: What a bad day!

Triclyde Head 3: You two are pointless!

The King: I’m back!

Tubba Blubba: Don’t forget about the “invincible” one!

Donkey Kong Jr.: Everybody play my new game, Donkey Kong Jr., starring me as myself! Available summer of

Crazy Packers Fan: I don’t know if it was 1983, but you eight are ready to judge these karts! Here’s the
Kool Koopas’ kart!

Ludwig: This is a kart with monster wheels, a V-88 engine, a huge cockpit for us eight Koopas, and
hundreds of items!

Bowser: Some coins are coming your way!

Crazy Packers Fan: Not yet. See the others’!

Goompa: This is my awesome kart, complete with tacks coming out the back to blanket the road. We have seats for all eight.

Spike Top: Tacks are like spikes!

Crazy Packers Fan: Time for the next kart!

Piranhacus Giganticus: Hello down there!

Donkey Kong Jr.: That’s a big pipe!

Crazy Packers Fan: Next!

Tony: Here’s our excellent kart! Nothing can stand in our way with all these hammers and boomerangs and etc. pouring out! In fact, with it being so huge, you might as well just write us in as winners!

The King: Hammer Brothers, winners.

Crazy Packers Fan: Not yet! There’s still the Interview Imbeciles’ kart!

Donkey Kong: Sorry DK had to make it look like a banana...

Tubba Blubba: Ghosts taste good, not Bananas!

Crazy Packers Fan: That’s a large Banana, and it’s got tons of Bananas to be poured out the back and the
sides. The Super Koopas have theirs to show now!

All Judges: BOO!!! Pikachu?!

Sandslash: Now, now, this is an excellent machine. It just had to have a Pikachu head.

All Judges: Ha ha ha ha!

Sandslash: It’s as if I brought up the Great Pumpkin!

Triclyde Head 1: The Great Pumpkin will be here soon!

Triclyde Head 2: Don’t hold your breath waiting for the Great Pumpkin.

Triclyde Head 3: Shut up about a pathetic pumpkin!

Crazy Packers Fan: Finally, the Mario Morons have...

Daisy: Nothing! But you must understand, girls shouldn’t have to do all the work themselves!

Crazy Packers Fan: Disqualified from the judges’ round! Build one now or you don’t get in the next round! No coins for them. And now I have the judges’ results...

Mario Morons: 0 coins
Super Koopas: 2 coins
Interview Imbeciles: 3 coins
Goofy Goombas: 4 coins
Pitiful Piranhas: 5 coins
Kool Koopas: 6 coins
Hammer Brothers: 7 coins

Husky: Arr... Arr... Ruff!

Sandslash: Down, boy, this is my plan. Be underestimated and be underdogs, and we’ll beat everyone! Just wait and see...

Crazy Packers Fan: Now it’s time for the race. This race track has bits and pieces from places you haven’t
seen in years!

Ludwig 222: You mean like those Bolt Lifts from Ludwig’s Doomship I see?

Crazy Packers Fan: Of course! Dangerous jumps and tons of... you guessed it... lava will make your go-kart
have to do more than tear up track. Of course, Lakitu, with his new and improved Super Rod, will pull you
up, thanks to a steel wire on his fishing pole.

The Mario Surfer: Sounds like another one of those Pokémon things...

Sandslash: You all will appreciate Pokémon when we win!

Crazy Packers Fan: Ready, set...

Daisy: Wait!

The Mario Morons roll out a piece of cardboard taped to a bunch of Matchbox cars.

Daisy: Ready!

Crazy Packers Fan: Go!

The six go-karts with common sense in building their karts take off down the track similar to a normal
racetrack. The seventh, the Mario Morons’ “Kardboard Kart”, as named by Waluigi, just stays in place.

Wario: I’ll get out and push!

Wario obviously can’t push seven other morons on a weak piece of cardboard, and the real race there is to
see whether the piece of cardboard or Wario’s back will break first.

Wario: Ouch!!!


Sandslash: We’re in first thanks to this great car! The electricity has pushed the Goofy Goombas and
Pitiful Piranhas aside!

Ludwig: Turn on our own Lightning Bolt!

Lightning meets lightning as the Kool Koopas’ and Super Koopas’ go-karts collide.

Roy: I don’t know how these are even called go-karts...

Wendy: We’re going to be zapped!

Ludwig: According to my calculations, there is only a one in thirty million, two hundred fifty-eight thousand, five hundred twenty-three chance that we will get zapped.


Ludwig: That was the 30,258,523th time!

Roy: End transmission! Rats! It doesn’t work for real!

In the Pikachu head...

Sandslash: See how well this plan is working?

Washu: I feel how well the plan isn’t working! We’re being electrocuted!

Sandslash: I don’t feel anything!

Smash: That’s because of what you are! You ground out all electricity!

Sandslash: Hey, look, we’re being passed! By the Hammer Brothers’ kart!

In that same Hammer kart...

Tony: No way we’re going to be passed!

Suddenly, the road turns into a bunch of Bolt Lifts over lava.

Hammer: How do we make it across?

Boomer: Simple. We follow the little Bolt Lift the whole way across.

Fiery: We’re too big to do that!

The Hammer kart makes about twenty-seven splashes into the lava. But then... the Interview Imbeciles’ kart
takes the lead!

DK: DK told Imbeciles that Imbeciles would be in first with DK’s special single-wheel balance!

Snifit: So what?

Spike: We’re in first!

The Goofy Goombas follow the Imbeciles, followed by the Pitiful Piranhas. Next come the still-combatting
Kool Koopas and Super Koopas, and then come the big ol’ Hammer Brothers. The Mario Morons... are they in this?

Angry Sun: Look out ahead!

The track takes a nasty turn onto a Rainbow Road over lava. The bad part is, with no walls, there’s a lot of

Albatoss: WAH!!!

Goombaria: We take the lead!

The Goombas take the plunge too.

Goombario: You spoke too soon...

At the end of the Rainbow Road, the six go-karts are all running side by side as they enter the fourth and
final stretch of the race, a wild bunch of different small roads over a canyon that twist and turn. With all the karts beat up, they start to run a little slower. The road ahead is very similar to Yoshi Valley from Mario Kart 64, and each slow-moving kart takes a different path, taking it very slowly. At the end, there’s a big crash of roads meeting right before the finish line. And...


All the karts run into each other and explode. The remains of each kart fly across the finish line in the
following order...

Goofy Goombas
Interview Imbeciles
Hammer Brothers
Pitiful Piranhas
Kool Koopas
Super Koopas

Crazy Packers Fan: Here’s the coin standings right now...

Mario Morons: 0 coins
Super Koopas: 4 coins
Interview Imbeciles: 9 coins
Goofy Goombas: 11 coins
Pitiful Piranhas: 9 coins
Kool Koopas: 9 coins
Hammer Brothers: 12 coins

Crazy Packers Fan: So that leaves us with one wild finale coming. With double coins, it’s still anybody’s
game, and with my automatic restoring machine we'll put those karts back to their original form.

All karts are spic-and-span again, with nothing wrong with them.

Crazy Packers Fan: Now, I must ask Sandslash, is the Pikachu head working?

Sandslash: Don’t rub it in. Maybe it was a bad idea after all... Can we change karts?

Crazy Packers Fan: Sorry, none of that. Each team will have, instead of balloons, an energy supply. It starts
at 100% and runs down to 0%. At 0% your kart is out of the competition. Getting hit will run down your energy
meter, so make sure you hit but don’t get hit. Remember, even the pathetic Mario Morons, with their big ol’ piece of cardboard and Matchbox cars, can take the fourteen points for first place and possibly even win! So, on your marks, get set, battle!

The course is set up on a place that looks similar to Bowser’s Castle from Mario Kart: Super Circuit
(basically a big pool of lava and a road of 90-degree turns the whole way through). The Goofy Goombas get
knocked out right away by the Hammer Brothers’ kart.

Goombario: That thing’s unfair to the rest of us!

The Pitiful Piranhas’ kart goes flying after getting nailed by the Kool Koopas’ Lightning Bolts.

Piranhacus Giganticus: That’s it for us!

The Mario Morons keep on trying to push themselves away from all the  other karts. But eventually...

Roy: Throw this Spiny Shell at them!

The Mario Morons fly into the lava.

Daisy: This is all your fault, Peach!

Peach: Why my fault? It’s your fault!

In the Pikachu head...

Smash: It was bad enough that this head looks strange and isn’t that great. What’s worse is that it is so slow on these narrow roads!

Sandslash: Nonsense! We can win this if we only get a little bit of luck!

Misty: We’ll need a lot of luck with that Hammer Brother kart on our tail!

The Interview Imbeciles, in their Banana, just drive into the lava thanks to Donkey Kong’s brains.

Snifit: Where are you driving?!

Spike: If he only had a brain...

In the Kool Koopas’ kart...

Ludwig: According to my calculations, the Hammer Brother kart should take out the Pikachu head but get
damaged enough that one Lightning Bolt blast from us will end it. If we position ourselves 36.24 degrees
northeast of their kart, we will have a direct route, only 25.42 meters away. With a rate of 8.76 meters per
second and an acceleration of 7.54 meters per second squared...

Roy: Shut up and nail them with the bolt!

As the Kool Koopas hit the Hammer Brothers kart with the bolt, the Pikachu head escapes. Then a battle
between the Hammers and Kool Koopas ends with both karts being damaged too much, and the Hammer Brother kart goes first, followed by the Kool Koopas’ kart, giving the Super Koopas the victory!

Sandslash: We won! We won! I knew we would! No one trusted me!

Washu: Let me be the first to congratulate you on your strategy, Sandslash!

The Mario Surfer: I knew we would win the whole time. Sandslash had it all planned like that and I knew we
would win, even though it didn’t look like it.

Crazy Packers Fan: But is it enough for first? Here’s the coins standings...

Mario Morons: 6 coins
Super Koopas: 18 coins
Interview Imbeciles: 17 coins
Goofy Goombas: 13 coins
Pitiful Piranhas: 13 coins
Kool Koopas: 21 coins
Hammer Brothers: 22 coins

Crazy Packers Fan: The Hammer Brothers take today’s challenge and 50 points!

Hammer: All right!

Tony: As usual! No one stops me!

Boomer: We always come back!

Fiery: We’re on top once more!

Crazy Packers Fan: Actually, that was your first victory. We need a tiebreaker coin toss between the Goombas and Piranhas! Call it, Goombario!

Goombario: Tails!

Crazy Packers Fan: It’s heads!

Goombario: I knew it!

Crazy Packers Fan. Too bad. But now let’s see the overall standings...

Super Koopas: 50+30=80
Kool Koopas: 40+40=80
Interview Imbeciles: 30+25=55
Hammer Brothers: 25+50=75
Pitiful Piranhas: 20+20=40
Goofy Goombas: 15+15=30
Mario Morons: 10+10=20

Crazy Packers Fan: So, after two episodes, the standings line up like this:

Kool Koopas: 80
Super Koopas: 80
Hammer Brothers: 75
Interview Imbeciles: 55
Pitiful Piranhas: 40
Goofy Goombas: 30
Mario Morons: 20

Crazy Packers Fan: So we have a tie for first, and the third place team is only 5 points behind the top two,
giving us a great race for first! On the other hand, the Piranhas, Goombas, and Morons aren’t putting up
much of a fight!

Daisy: It’s all Peach’s fault!

Peach: It’s all Daisy’s fault!

Yoshi: Peach and Daisy fault both! Yoshi still hungry! Yoshi no get real food for Mushroom Games yet! Yoshi
strike if Yoshi no get real food by next episode!

Goompa: It’s all planned this way so we can make a comeback...

Goombaria: Right...

Ptooie: We’ll win! I know it! I know it!

Venus Fire Trap: I don’t.

Crazy Packers Fan: Right in the middle are the Interview Imbeciles!

Angry Sun: I don’t hate anything more than I hate fourth place! It’s the worst place of all! Not first, not last, just fourth! We are the center of attention, both negative and positive, and I HATE ATTENTION!!!

Albatoss: Ooh, bitter. What right do you have to be bitter?

Angry Sun: Many rights.

Mario: What team am I on?

Luigi: Uh oh, everyone...

Wario: Our strategy is to come back later. We will, I’ll tell ya now!

Waluigi: I’m scared of comebacks! I’m scared of strategy! And the word “ya”?! That completely gives me the chills...

Roy: Please omit the rest of the complaining and venting. I want the next episode to start soon, so shut up now!

Iggy: Wait!

Larry: What now?

Iggy: Isn’t Roy supposed to beat on someone? Oof! Why did I ask?

Lemmy: That’s the Interviews, Roy, not this!

Roy: Too bad, Iggy!

Donkey Kong: End transmission!

Ludwig 222: It’s not working!

Washu: Oh, just end it already!

Crazy Packers Fan: Next week, we’ll have a stranger challenge and contest, a lot different from this. So be prepared next week, for another episode of, the Mushroom Games!

Read on!

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