(The audience stares at a boy that looks remarkably like a teenage version of Ness without his red cap while he walks up to the stage. He is heard mumbling the exponential segments of the number two while he slowly makes his way up. The last number heard mumbled is 4,194,304 when he makes it up to the top.)

Adom-Nintendo-Freak: Hi, my name is listed in the script format for you readers who were going to ask that. I’m Trollish Beastfighter’s mastermind, which is why he’s literally such a huge nerd.

TB: Thank you.

Audience member with familiar voice: FOURTH WALL-BREAKER! MUST KILL!!!

Another audience member with familiar voice: Hm... I guess I will pound him for what he did last Interview, afterwards...

ANF: However, I’m tired of you as a Player Character in ADOM, so I’m retiring you.

TB: NOOOOOOOO!!! REVENGE!!!

(ANF covers up the camera. When he uncovers it, TB is nowhere to be seen.)

ANF: As you can see, through hostile means of resolving a conflict, or um… more socially acceptably, peaceful negotiations, I have dismissed my PC TB so that I can do this Interview.

(FLASHBACK)

ANF pulls out a Gameshark and starts mashing the buttons on a SNES controller. TB starts writhing horribly until he is warped to the Chaotic Mana temple in ADOM.

ANF: I AM YOUR MASTER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(END FLASHBACK)

Dark Koopa: LOOK, READERS! HE PUT MY QUOTES IN CAPS! MUST KILL HIM!!!

ANF: Oh, so you are the audience member listed just 11 paragraphs above. You also broke the fourth wall.

Dark Koopa: Oh, DIE ANYWAY!

ANF: Why don’t you do an Interview? Interview me about Shy Guys.

D. Koopa: YAY! Interview! But why am I not an author here? And why am I not interviewing Shy Guys directly?

ANF: That was also fourth wall-breaking, you know by reading the “by this author” text, but it is because I was in control in the first place, and I’m trying to be efficient. If I were to interview Shy Guys, it would be I who in the first place would have to devise all the details. Besides, I thought that quote right there would be unique and interesting.

D. Koopa: ... Why aren’t you calling me DK, even though I don’t prefer that name anyway?

ANF: Because that would confuse you with that audience member over there.

(He points to Donkey Kong.)

Donkey Kong: HEY! Pointing isn’t nice, you know...

Dark Koopa: Bad joke, and I’m going to kill you later, ANF. Let’s just start the Interview anyway...

ANF: Okay, why are they called Shy Guys?

Dark Koopa: That is what I’m supposed to say!

ANF: Then you should have let me say, “Let’s just start the Interview”. Okay, I’ll answer it. Let me make some kind of excuse so that I can answer on a separate line.

(The “several hours later” joke occurs.)

ANF: Shy Guys are mainly called shy because they carry out activities very secretly within their race. They don’t usually talk much to other races for those reasons.

D. Koopa: Hyuk, for being so well known...

ANF: In fact, half their race is red, and 99 percent of that part is a red Shy Guy autistic being. This is where you get the stereotypical image of social ineptness and of course, shyness. It is rare for the other color of Shy Guys to be autistic, you should understand if you listened to my statement carefully.

Mario Party 4 Shy Guy: WAIT! I’m not shy at all! I made a dangerous jungle adventure with a volcano!

ANF: Are you really trying to tell me that boards are real geographic features? Because I know that is wrong since I’m the author.

MP4SG: Um... You are right, I did say I wasn’t bold in the first place... WAH! You hurt me!

(He starts sobbing.)

D. Koopa: Okay, you gave a really detailed fact that you hope wins you cool points with Lemmy.

Lemmy: COOL! WHERE IS IT?!

(Lemmy starts searching the submission text for the cold source.)

Lemmy: It is here! YAY! And also in the background!

(Somehow, he starts playing with it.)

D. Koopa: ... Now explain what the different colors mean.

ANF: Easy, I don’t know how original this is, but I know that the colors stand for rank.

D. Koopa: So are those colors of uniform, or are they skin?

ANF: I know this is ridiculous, but believe it or not, they actually wear clothing that is the same color as their skin. Besides, the colors are almost consistently determined by the Shy Guy’s inborn personality to mature as time progresses.

D. Koopa: The ranks?

ANF: Okay, the red ones are grunt troops, the first ones that explore the terrain, and blue ones are guards with a permanent post.

D. Koopa: And what makes you so sure as author?

ANF: Ever played Super Mario Bros. 2?

D. Koopa: Why don’t you assume NO!

ANF: Okay, I know that was another bad joke, so continue...

D. Koopa: As for the other colors?

ANF: Um... I REALLY DON’T KNOW! WAH!

MP4SG: That is why you should have interviewed me in the first place!

ANF: That wouldn’t help because as author, I have to come up with the details. Didn’t you read the lines above?

MP4SG: Whoops, you are right again. I’ll just sit down and stare into space.

(He accidentally stares at Roy Koopa.)

Roy: Hey! Why me, you @##$%$% author?!

*SOCK*

ANF: Heh, Roy is so unreasonable, and I just proved it.

D. Koopa: BACK TO THE INTERVIEW! Okay, why don’t you think and come up with a decent answer?

ANF: Okay, this “several hours later” joke is actually part of real life. Got it?

(A few minutes later, Dark Koopa is seen carrying Kirby’s hammer from Super Smash Bros. Melee and stepping behind ANF.)

ANF: I got it! Huh? Where did you... YIKES!

(He barely dodges a mortal blow to the back of his head.)

ANF: I don’t like that thing!

(He pulls out his SNES controller and presses a button. A beam is fired from just in front of the controller and fries the hammer handle and burns a hole in the opposite wall. The hammer falls on Dark.)

Dark: Darn those video game godmodders...

Thumbs: Uh, how did I get here? Oh look, a hammer fell on Dark, I’ll get rid of it!

(He takes another hammer and starts hitting the one on top of Dark until Jeff in the audience, out of pure agony watching such an idiotic action, gets mad and fires a bottle rocket and blasts the hammers out of the way.)

ANF: Thank you, my favorite RPG character who is from Earthbound!

Jeff: Um, a compliment? Yeah, thanks for that.

ANF: Okay, to answer your question, Dark, the green ones are advanced in the art of spying. I’ll defend that by noting that the Spy Guys are green.

D. Koopa: But that contradicts my Interview! DIE!!!

(ANF and Dark get into a brawl until Lemmy stops playing with the HTML on the Interview.)

Lemmy: Will you two stop it?! If you kill each other, then I will ban you two and get rid of your Koopaling votes!

(ANF and Dark Koopa start acting like model citizens and clean up the blood, dust, and wood shavings that are on the floor.)

Ron: Geez, they really need to reorganize their priorities...

Lemmy: SHUT UP!

(Lemmy presses a button and therefore makes Ron bypass the fourth wall twice so he gets sent to the Harry Potter world. If you don’t understand why twice, too bad!)

ANF: Why does that contradict your Interview?

D. Koopa: Because I implied Spy Guys were red in my Interview! Like the Shy Guys on Lavalava Island! I know you read it because you just put this quote in the Interview!

ANF: Aw, I don’t care since I’m the author mastermind, so the yellow ones, I believe they are magicians in training. Most of them end up as Pyro Guys, but others don weird costumes and become Groove Guys. Yeah, they are yellow underneath.

D. Koopa: (shaking head) What about Medi Guys?

ANF: Duh, isn’t first aid a good thing for everyone to learn? They didn’t make any particular Shy Guy a Medi Guy, but the majority of the race is red. Remember?

D. Koopa: And the blue ones?

ANF: Um, I don’t know... HEY WAIT! I just said what they were a few lines above!

D. Koopa: Which is?

ANF: That they were posted guards.

(D. Koopa looks over the Interview.)

D. Koopa: Am I bad...

ANF: Of course you are! You are chaotic and dark purple!

D. Koopa: WHY YOU LITTLE...

(He pulls out a bloody chainsaw and has a bloodshot look in his eyes though it is only perceivable by ANF.)

ANF: I just proved my point.

D. Koopa: Okay, you got me. Grr... I’m really going to kill you afterwards... Continue!

ANF: What? I just talked about all the colors!

D. Koopa: Not black, for example...

ANF: Oh, you there in the audience! Come here!

(An Anti Guy sits next to ANF.)

Arkigul: HEY WAIT! I thought you would know the details in the first place since you are the author mastermind here!

ANF: Shut up, my friend! First, I’ll explain, black Shy Guys and Anti Guys like this one are exactly the same. The Anti Guys seen in Paper Mario, however, weren’t given helicopters.

D. Koopa: Okay, so why didn’t the Anti Guys poison Mario?

ANF: He didn’t eat them. The poison has to get into the bloodstream, I believe. Let me experiment...

(He touches the Shy Guy and lives, or so he thinks for now.)

ANF: So tell us, what is your poison?

Anti Guy: It is a highly deadly radioactive substance that is secret to our race.

ANF: But you aren’t mutated.

Anti Guy: But maybe that is why I’m stronger!

ANF: I think you exercised or took steroids. I’ll prove it!

(ANF takes a radiation detector and uses it, but it never buzzes.)

ANF: You are such a liar.

Anti Guy: Whoops, I am, yeah. It is snake venom.

ANF: I’m poison resistant, so I’m going to taste test.

(He cuts off a part of the Anti Guy’s uniform and starts chewing it.)

ANF: AAAAUUUUGH! WATER! THIS IS CHILI PEPPER!

(ANF eats a gallon of ice.)

ANF: Ahhh... YOU LIAR!

Anti Guy: Yeah, I lied, we knew Yoshis hated chili peppers.

ANF: I see, AAAAAUUUUUGH! SEZIURES!!! THIS IS MERCURY!!!  I HATE YOUR RACE!!!

(ANF leaves because the purging process is too gruesome to watch for even a United States of America Civil War veteran. Note that the author really does know that the Civil War was a very bloody one.)

Anti Guy: Yeah, we are really sneaky, huh?

ANF: Get off the Interview stage.

Anti Guy: Why do I have to listen to you again?

ANF: Because I’m an uber godmodding author.

Anti Guy: DIE!

(ANF uses amazing creativity to come up with some really cool move that defeats the Anti Guy.)

Anti Guy: Pain... Bleeding...

ANF: Okay, as for the white Shy Guys, they were the professional healers. However, they could not stand to see the cruelty of Baby Bowser against Yoshis, as healers tend to be a merciful sort, so they rebelled.

D. Koopa: Prove it.

ANF: What about those Yoshis that lost in Yoshi's Story? After being injured, the white ones would heal them and then return them back to the group. Oh yeah, and as for the Medi Guys 46 paragraphs above, the white guys couldn’t always wash the blood off their uniforms… especially not in the presence of Mario!

D. Koopa: HEY! ANOTHER CONTRADICTION! I’M KILLING YOU NOW!!!

(Dark Koopa starts forcing ANF to watch Telitubbies, Barney, Dora the Explorer, The Wiggles, and a part in Rain Man where Raymond the autistic savant is getting verbally flamed for standing still in the street intersection crosswalk after he sees the red hand start flashing in the traffic lights, all that over and over again in 3 multiplied by 4 excruciating cycles on the TV. ANF survives because Arikgul shoots the TV to bits with a pistol.)

ANF: Pain... Imaginary bleeding... Ugh...

(Dark Koopa smacks ANF with a ruler, causing him to scream and sit up.)

D. Koopa: My, that was quite a reaction...

ANF: YOU WILL NOT EXPLOIT THAT IN THIS INTERVIEW! So, back to the topic... He was one of those gray Anti Guy types, but he didn’t care at all for the poisoned outfit, which darkens his uniform. Also, being in the dark for so long must have lightened his skin. Eh?

D. Koopa: WAIT! What are you referring to? You are breaking the rule of relativity!

ANF: Whoops, AND I’M SUPPOSED TO BE A NERD! OH NO! THE HORROR!!!

Thumbs: Hey! He said that with the caps! Let’s get him!

Yellow: Why is our gang included in this Interview? Oh whatever.

ANF: WAIT! I only used the Shift key throughout this Interview! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

(1,200,000,000,000 nanoseconds later, ANF is now sitting in his seat cross-eyed, with a big cartoon bump on his head, shivering, and otherwise black, blue, and bloody. The bloody part was washed off of ANF before the censoring sign was lifted.)

ANF: YES! I live! Okay, but I will point out that Shy Guys like to have uniforms that match their skin. So he also lightened his uniform.

D. Koopa: ...

Arkigul: You are being stupid! I never thought you’d ever say such a thing!

D. Koopa: No, I was wondering how he got back on the subject of the Interview so quickly after I dizzied him, Thumbs dropped an anvil on him, Pink froze him, and Yellow shattered the ice and beat him up over the course of twenty minutes. I didn’t even say anything in that line!

Arkigul: I was talking about Genius over there...

Ludwig: WHAT?!

ANF: Not you! Me! Aw... You just insulted me, Arkigul! WAH!

(ANF starts to pout.)

Dark: Laziness, he changed my name to Dark... ANF, you need to finish this @#$%^ Interview so I can beat the @#*&)(**& out of you and end the transmission.

ANF: If you destroy today’s supply of candy and fast food I will.

Dark: Done.

(A bunch of children and rich, conservative businesspeople are heard screaming at that instant.)

ANF: (looking very ecstatic) YAY! Move on!

Dark: Since Arkigul looks very eager to talk to you, let’s start the audience questions. Seat 1.

Arkigul: Tell me, are the Shy Guys evil?

ANF: I think everyone should know that answer, but yes, the majority of them are like part of a chaotic gang or army organization. A few relatively rare individuals are good, like MP4SG over there. Anyway, the red guy in Mario Tennis is evil, but he was another autistic, socially inept creature and was reluctant to enter the fray until I, using Luigi, beat Yoshi in Singles and showed him how fun tennis was! Of course, he was also impressed that Yoshi was beaten.

Dark: Monologuer, no wonder he is also a Morton fan. Seat Dark1.

Pink Snowbeam: Then does that mean Shy Guys hate Yoshis?.

ANF: Of course it does! The Shy Guys are afraid of being eaten and to watch their friends be eaten is horrible! And yes! Remember Yoshi’s Story and IslanAAAAAAAHHHHHH! *chink*

(ANF has been frozen in a block of ice, but shatters himself out and pulls out his SNES controller. Unfortunately, Pink by this time has left.)

ANF: I... AM NOT... A SHY GUY!

Dark: You forgot she gets crazy at hearing “hate Yoshis”.  By the way... you do happen to be socially inept *coughcough*like*cough*those*Shy*hack*Guys*cough*. Must be getting cold from what Pink did. Hehehe. Seat um... You choose it, for DAD’s sake!

ANF: SEAT N-E-S!

Extreme Nintendo Master: Wait, um… These are multiple characters… How do I ask this running gag question?

ANF: Don’t worry. I did a pole. Haha! How do I do a North Pole? HAHAHAHA!!! No really. The Shy Guys that voted ranked Paper Mario 2 as their favorite game, and Yoshi’s Island as their second favorite game. Paper Mario was second favorite, and Yoshi’s Story was second most deeply hated. Most of the voters that favored that ideal selection were Red, although the others did not limit themselves to voting those games up either. The blue ones, however, are often exposed more to the Game & Watch series, and they also like one-dimensional fighting games like Street Fighter...

Dark: IT IS TWO DIMENSIONAL WITH JUMPING!

ANF: Excuse me, the jumping is too weak to make a real significant second dimension. So anyway, the green ones actually don’t play very many video games unless stealth is a factor, but they are open to almost any RPG either way. They like playing Chess and Stratego, that kind of stuff. In the yellow ones I found little consistency, but there was a tendency to play the weird game series Banjo-Kazooie. The black/gray guys like any game with action, but not RPGs at all. I hate them for playing Grand Theft Auto a lot. General Guy’s favorite game type is the genre like Starcraft, where you command a group, usually some sort of a fleet  And often there is war in those games. Oh! The white guys think video games are bad for your health, but that is only true if you play them excessively.

White Guy: AND NO ONE EVER RESISTS DOING SO! EVER! ONLY THE GOOD PARENTS DO THAT!

Lemmy: Um... Hehehehe… Yeah, I want to choose an audience member.

ANF: I don’t see why not.

Lemmy: Seat WEBMASTER! Hehehehehe...

ANF: I should have known. Seat IRON CHEF.

Chef Torte: I’m not done zerving ze audience! Moi apprentices, howevier, are doing zeir best! Please give us moire time!

Zess T, Tace T, and the Apprentice: Yes! Ten more minutes, please!

ANF: No, ask now please so this Interview doesn’t slow down.

Chef Torte: Okay, HOLD EVIERYZING  Vat do ze Shy Guys want moi to do before I say “bon appetite”? ANF: Okay, the red ones, don’t give them anything spicy, and bland is fine for them, but beware as they might reject your food as they have their own routine, or they might pressure you to serve them for life. The blue ones want some fine coffee, expresso would be fine though. The green ones want carrot dishes with extra vitamin A so they can be good spies, and also would like a fitness energy drink to go with that. The yellow ones want a few brains of the sort, and they also like coffee, with extra sugar in it too. The Anti Guys like steak, and General Guy over there wants fine desserts. Gourmet Guy, just feed him.

Chef Torte: Okay, HEY! VE VAITED SO LONG YOU RUINED ALMOST ALL OUR FOOD! START FROM SCRATCH, APPRENTICES, AND DO VHATEVER YOU LIKE TO ANF AFTERVARDS!!!

(The apprentices grumble menacingly, and Torte gives ANF an obscene gesture that is edited for the younger audience. It isn’t, however, one Earthlings know of because this is Plit, so don’t bother trying to guess what it is, because it isn’t what you think it is. And Dark Koopa adds in the text here that the chefs finish cooking and serving the meals. Uh oh...)

ANF: I’m not sure what to do...

Arkigul: I know what you should do.

ANF: What?

Arkigul: RUN!

(He does so and is chased by Dark Koopa, Roy Koopa with his assistants under obligation, the Mario Universe Chefs, a bunch of young children, big fast food chain CEOs- all who are wielding sharp and blunt weapons, his IRS agent who is preparing for an audit, Lemmy who is trying to get ANF to remember to send the script, and by Larry Koopa who wants an autograph from ANF.)

Dark Koopa: END TRANSMISSION! THIS IS GOING TO GET BLOODY! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

ANF: LEMMY! GO TO YOUR COMPUTER BECAUSE IT IS DONE! PLEASE ACCEPT IT!!!

(ACCEPTED)

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