Door to Door
By Campfire Tales

October 10, 2010

Waluigi: Wario, do you have your share of money for the bills?

Wario: I've already paid my share.

Waluigi: An empty bag doesn't count.

Wario: Well it used to have money in it.

Waluigi: What did you do with the money?!

Wario: Obviously, I spent it.

Waluigi: All right, what did you spend it on?

Wario: I spent it on this.

Wario shows Waluigi a gigantic onion.


Wario: Well if you have a problem with it, then get some new money.

Waluigi: Fine! I will!

Waluigi leaves the house and slams the door.

Wario: Good luck, idiot!

Waluigi: Now, let's see, what's the easiest way to get money? Steal it, duh!

Waluigi walks through the town until he comes to the Mushroom Bank.

Waluigi: Simple enough.

Waluigi enters the bank and walks up to the teller.

Waluigi: Give me all your money!

Teller: Sorry, you just missed it. Another thief took it all.

Waluigi: What?

Waluigi turns to see Popple with a bag of money.

Popple: Sucker!

Waluigi: Dang it! I'll try another bank.

He goes to the Koopa Bank and up to the Koopa teller.

Waluigi: Give me all your money!

Teller: Sorry, a thief just took all the money.

Waluigi looks and sees that Croco took the money.

Waluigi: What's with all these thieves?!

Teller: It's Thief Day, a day where thieves mug everyone.

Waluigi: Darn!

Waluigi is highly disgruntled by his misfortune. Ever since he and Wario were babies, they have always stolen to get what they wanted!

*Flashback to Waluigi's preschool year.*

Waluigi: Dang it, Mom packed ham sandwiches again!

He throws it across the room, them goes up to a kid in a red plumber cap eating from a plate of spaghetti.

Waluigi: Hey, kid! Bet you I can make that spaghetti disappear!

Mario: Really?! Cool! Show me!

Waluigi takes the plate and tips the contents into his mouth. He puts the empty plate in the trash can and leaves young Mario crying.

*Back in the present day...*

Waluigi: Heh... Good times... good times... But... does this mean Waluigi needs to do... honest work?!

Waluigi notices that he's talking to himself.

Waluigi: Hmph, since no one answered... I guess Waluigi doesn't have to work!

Waluigi searches the streets for spare coins. Hours later, after searching almost every street in Toad Town, he finally finds something.

Waluigi: A coin! Hooray! It's all mine! ... Ok, this is taking too long. Time to do some honest work.

Waluigi gets on an unemployment line and waits at the back of it. He notices it's a very long line.

Waluigi: How did the line get this long?

Random Koopa: Everyone here was robbed.

Waluigi: How did it happen?

Random Koopa: It's Thief Day. Anything can happen.

After waiting 10 hours...

Waluigi: Finally!

He goes up to the clerk.

Waluigi: Is there a quick job I can get?

Clerk: Sure! Just let me check my VERY complex computer.

The clerk goes to his computer, but then it gets a blue screen.

Clerk: Someone infected my computer with a virus!

Waluigi: Didn't you get some antivirus protection?

Clerk: It's Thief Day. I was robbed of my antivirus security.

Waluigi: How can that even happen?

Suddenly Francis starts dancing out of the unemployment line.

Francis: Finally, something that may get girls to like me!

Waluigi: Of course. Do you at least know a place that's hiring?

Clerk: I think some Hammer Bros. were looking for a guy to practice on.

Waluigi: Waluigi doesn't want to get hurt!

Clerk: Well, there's an Ice Bro who's looking for someone to sell ice cream with.

Waluigi: Waluigi will take that!

Clerk: Good, you start right now.


Ice Cream Bro: Here you go, little girl. Ice cream with chocolate chips!

Toad Girl: Thanks, Mister!

She goes away to eat.

Ice Cream Bro: Maybe I should have told her those mints were beetles… Nah!

He notices Waluigi coming.

Ice Cream Bro: Oh no! Need to hide all the lethal stuff!

He hides the sprinkles, which are actually tiny worms; cookie crumbs, which are actually ants; and anything else lethal. Waluigi doesn't notice this.

Ice Cream Bro: Welcome to my ice cream stand. Can I take your order?

Waluigi: Are you hiring?

Ice Cream Bro: Well I do need an extra set of hands-

Waluigi: Waluigi will take!

Ice Cream Bro: Ok, take the cart and start selling these things door to door.

Waluigi: What are you going to do?

Ice Cream Bro: I'm going to stay here and... get more supplies.

Waluigi, not suspecting anything, walks off with the cart.

Ice Cream Bro: What an idiot.

Waluigi goes up to a home and knocks on the door. An old woman comes out.

Woman: What can I do for you?

Waluigi: Would you like some ice cream?

Woman: Sure. How much?

Waluigi: Five coins.

The woman gives Waluigi five coins, and Waluigi gives her ice cream with sprinkles (which happen to be worms).

Waluigi: Thanks, ma'am

Waluigi goes away and the woman eats her ice cream, not knowing the sprinkles were worms. Waluigi arrives at the next house, feeling happy that he was able to get his first customer to buy some ice cream. Waluigi knocks on the neighbor’s door and a businessman comes out.

Waluigi: Hello there, Mister. Would you like to buy some ice cream?

Business Man: Actually, how would you like to sell another product with your ice cream?

Waluigi: Sure.

The man hands him some bags, all of which are full of some nice kind of shampoo.

Business Man: As you sell those shampoo bottles, I get 80 percent of the money, all right?

Waluigi: Sure, as long as I earn some money.

Business Man: Great! You’re now working for the Koopa Company. Now start selling me some shampoo!

Waluigi: All right!

Waluigi jumps in the air, full of joy. He hands the man some ice cream and leaves. He doesn't realize that he just gave out some free ice cream.

Waluigi: All right, next house.

Waluigi walks up to Wario's house and knocks on the door. Wario soon opens it.

Wario: What do you want, loser?

Waluigi: Waluigi selling ice cream!

Wario: You make any money?

Waluigi: Yeah!

Wario: Prove it.

Waluigi shows Wario the money he got from the old lady.

Wario: Thank you.

Wario snatches the coins and slams the door in Waluigi's face. Waluigi then starts knocking on the door again, and Wario opens the door again.

Wario: What do you want this time... loser?

Waluigi: I'm also selling some shampoo!

Wario: What's this... sham...poo?

Waluigi: You use it to wash your hair!

Wario: I like my dirty, greased hair as it is!

Wario slams the door. Waluigi starts knocking on the door again.

Wario: What?

Waluigi: Can I have my money back?

Wario: No!

Waluigi gets an idea.

Waluigi: Waluigi has it! Waluigi will make the shampoo free with every ice cream.

Waluigi sees that the shampoo costs 3 coins.

Waluigi: Waluigi will raise the price of the ice cream to 10 coins!

Waluigi walks to the next house and knocks on the door; a guy in a black trench coat opens it.

Waluigi: Waluigi is selling ice cream!

Guy: How much?

Waluigi: 10 coins AND you get free shampoo!

The guy takes the ice cream and kicks Waluigi in the face

Guy: Sorry man, it’s Thief Day!

Waluigi suddenly tackles the man to the ground, beating him unconscious. He takes 20 coins from the guy's pocket and leaves.

Waluigi: That'll show him! Just look at all the money Waluigi made!

Waluigi goes to put the money in his pocket, only for Popple to come by and trip Waluigi and take his money

Waluigi: Hey! What was that for?

Popple: I'm a thief!

Waluigi: And because it's Thief Day?

Popple: Uh, sure.

Popple runs off Waluigi gets another idea.

Waluigi: Waluigi has it! Since it's Thief Day, Waluigi will just steal the money from everyone’s house!

Waluigi puts down the ice cream and shampoo and walks up to Bowser's house.

Waluigi: It's perfect! There must be at least 20,000,000 in one of those vaults alone!

Bowser: How did you know that?

Waluigi: Meh, just some blueprints.

Bowser: Fine, try it. I don't know you so you're a friend.

Waluigi enters and reaches the vault.

Waluigi: Shoobedoobeedoo... Open the door and... AHHH!

All Koopalings: Charrrrgee!

Waluigi runs screaming with his arms up in the air. He runs out the door and slams it behind him, hearing many crashing noises. He runs down the street to some other house.

Waluigi: Waluigi Time! *pant, pant*

Waluigi then stops to think.

Waluigi: Hmmm, maybe Waluigi should sell it all at some business party.

Waluigi walks up to Peach's Castle and knocks on the door.

Intercom: What do you want?

Waluigi: Waluigi here to sell ice cream to the Toads, and sell shampoo to the lovely Princess Peach.

The doors open, two Toads with spears walk up to Waluigi.

Toad #1: We will escort you to... the Toads.

The guards take Waluigi to a party of Toads. Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach, and a hundred Toads are there.


Mario runs to Waluigi, punching him in the face

Waluigi: W-Waluigi is selling ice cream...

Mario grabs an ice cream and gulps it down, then runs back to Luigi and starts breakdancing to extremely loud music

Waluigi: Waluigi's ears!

Waluigi then faints. Waluigi slowly crawls away from the castle.

Waluigi: Waluigi hate his life.

Waluigi gets up and brushes himself off.

Waluigi: What Waluigi needs is some tips to make money.

Waluigi walks into a bookstore, where he sees a bunch of Toads dressed up in strange outfits. He walks up to a Toad.

Waluigi: Waluigi wonders what’s going on here.

Toad: Oh, this is a party for the new book in the series "Jerry Snotter", written by Toadette.

Waluigi: Waluigi thinks this is boring.

Waluigi walks out of the store, then slaps himself.

Waluigi: Idiot! Waluigi was supposed to get a book on how to make money!

Waluigi is about to walk back in until he remembers the Toads.

Waluigi: Might as well sell those Toads some ice cream.

Waluigi walks back in.

Waluigi: Waluigi selling 10-coin ice cream with free shampoo!

The Toads run up to Waluigi, each buying the ice cream, chomping it down, and dumping globs of shampoo on their hairless Mushroom heads.

Waluigi: That turned out well.

Suddenly Popple dives into the bookstore, grabbing the pile of coins, stuffing it in a bag, laughing at Waluigi, and diving out.

Waluigi: Waluigi. Hates. His. Life.

Waluigi, fairly annoyed by this, takes a random book out of the store.

Waluigi: Hmmm, "How to Get Rich in Just a Couple of Hours". Step one, start selling door to door. Waluigi already did that.

Waluigi starts looking through the book.

Waluigi: Waluigi already got a second product, Waluigi has good customers, Waluigi is the mascot, Waluigi doesn't screw up orders, Waluigi... has yet to make a commercial. Toads, want to be in a commercial?

Toads: Got nothing better to do. Okay.

Waluigi: I’ve only got that cemetery studio from that Wario's Apprentice thing. It'll do... AHA! I’ll make the Toads look like losers. I pour ice cream on them, they chase me, but I toss shampoo and they go and leave me alone. Cue fast-speaking guy, then I'm done!

Toads: That has got to be the stupidest plot we’ve ever heard!

The Toads leave.

Waluigi: Hmmm, commercial's a no-go.

Waluigi consults his book.

Waluigi: If the commercial stinks, then Waluigi should get a celebrity to eat and use this stuff... But who should Waluigi use?

Waluigi sits down to think.

Waluigi: Mario... no... Luigi... no... Wario... uh uh... Peach... definitely not... Daisy... maybe, yeah!

Waluigi starts searching for Daisy. Just then, Waluigi sees Daisy. Waluigi starts running towards Daisy with ice cream and shampoo in his hands.

Waluigi: Hey Daisy! Do you want to-

Waluigi then trips over a rock

Waluigi: WALUIGI!

The ice cream and shampoo fly out of Waluigi's hands and the ice cream hits Dasiy's face and the shampoo lands next to Daisy. Daisy than trips over the shampoo.

Waluigi: Do you want to be in my commercial?

Daisy: YOU JERK!

Waluigi then runs off with Daisy yelling.

Waluigi: Why Waluigi? Why?

Waluigi looks back at his book.

Waluigi: There must be something in this book Waluigi can do!

Waluigi keeps flipping through the book.

Waluigi ... Ah, here's something good. Try showing a demonstration to customers... well, it's better then what I'm doing!

Waluigi walks up to a house and knocks on the door. A Koopa opens the door.

Waluigi: Would you like some ice cream?

Koopa: How much?

Waluigi: For the price of 10 coins, AND free shampoo!

Koopa: Uh... ok-

Waluigi: But let me show you a demonstration!

Waluigi takes an ice cream and starts licking it very slowly, suddenly realizing that it tastes horrible.

Waluigi: It’s tasty!

Waluigi groans.

Waluigi: And the shampoo!

Waluigi takes a bottle of shampoo, lifts up his hat, pours the shampoo onto his hair, and lowers his hat.

Waluigi: You could get hair like me!

Koopa: Yeah, I don't really have hair, but...

The Koopa takes the ice cream and throws 10 coins at Waluigi, slamming the door on him.

Waluigi: Waluigi's the winner!

Waluigi, proud of himself, walks up to the next building.

Waluigi: All right, just do the same thing, Waluigi.

Waluigi knocks on the door.

Bandit: Who are you?

Waluigi: Waluigi!

Bandit: What do you want?

Waluigi: I'm here to give you some ice cream and free shampoo for the price of 10 coins!

Bandit: How good is your business?

Waluigi: Waluigi doing great! Here's how much money Waluigi made!

Waluigi shows the Bandit his 10 coins.

Bandit: Good enough.

Waluigi: You'll buy some?

Bandit: No, I have a better idea.

Bandit steps on Waluigi's foot, then trips him. He then steals Waluigi's money, ice cream and shampoo, and runs off. Waluigi watches in anger as how all his work has just been stolen from him... again.


Waluigi stomps off to his and Wario's house to deliver the bad news.

Waluigi: I have some bad news, Wario... we won't be able to pay off the bills, I was unsuccessful at getting any money.

Wario: Whahaha! What are you talking about, toothpick? We've got plenty of money!

Waluigi: What are you talking about?

Wario then reveals a large bag of money with tons of coins in it.

Waluigi: How did you get all that money and why didn't you tell me?!

Wario: I got it recently. It's Thief Day. Get with the program, Waluigi.

Waluigi: So all the stuff I went through was for nothing?

Wario: Yeah, pretty much.

Waluigi then walks off saying unspeakable things.

Wario: He's acting as if he had a tough day. I had to get up to use the washroom! That's a tough day!


Credit goes to badyoyo, birby6, Chiszle, Diddy Kong, Fireball, lewman, Noel, and zz1666 for writing, editing, suggesting, or in any way enhancing this story.

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