Luigi: Where's the bathroom?

Peach: I think we should get settled first… ya know, set up camp.

Wario: No time! There's stuff to steal!

Toad: It's cheating to go into Koopa Troop's side.

Wario: I was thinking about stealing from Mario.

Toad, Mushroom Retainer: I can't believe this guy! He's as bad as Bowser himself!

Mario: I'm an astronaut! Whee!

Mario jumps and lands on his face.

Yoshi, Food Analyst: That sad.

Waluigi: I'm scared!

Peach: Of what?

Waluigi: That thing in the corner!

They turn to see a really huge cockroach.

Peach: Ack!

The King: Huh?

The King, King: Uh…

Yoshi: Bug good for lunch!

Yoshi eats the bug.

Luigi, Plumbus Wettus: I was impressed with Yoshi's extermination abilities. But I need the bathroom!

Wario: Not bad! Maybe I'll keep you around!

Mario, Moron: Do do do, Do the Mario!

Yoshi: Aw, it nothing!

Peach: That was gross!

Yoshi: Not when you're hungry!

Peach, Princess: Who's he kidding? I'll never be that hungry!

Toad: What about that camp idea?

The King: What idea?

Mario: I'm a cowboy, yessir, I am!

Luigi, Plumbus Wettus: I think Mario has to go…

Luigi: Let's just go to bed.

Waluigi: It's 1 PM.

Luigi: Yup.

Larry: I'm voting you off, Susan!

Susan: You love me!

Morton: I thought you loved me, the great Morton, son of Bowser, cuz I look good and am smart and always have interesting things to say and…

Iggy, Paper Weight: I hope we lose that challenge so we can get rid of him.

Wendy: Shut up! We have jobs to do!

Ludwig: I concur, there are many duties that need tending to.

Roy: If you don't start talkin' normal I'll beat you up and vote you off!

Ludwig, Genius: He may be strong, but some one as lazy and as impotent as Roy will never last long.

Wendy, Beauty Queen: One of those prizes we get had better be make-up, or I'll run out and have to vote myself off!

Bowser: All I know is that I get the couch to sleep on! You can all sleep in the laundry basket for all I care.

Iggy: Anyone have any food?

Ludwig: Well, actually, there is a kitchen in this abode-

Roy, Heavyweight Champ: What did I say I'd do, hm?

Ludwig: -, and I happen to possess a rare and valuable guide to it. I might offer it over in exchange for immunity.

Iggy: That's ok (sniffle), I'll just starve!

Susan: Can I go to the kitchen, Ludwig?

Ludwig: No, I'm voting you off first.

Wendy: Is some one going to help me set up?

Morton: …and furthermore, I am so perfect that everyone who knows me would want to marry me and…

Morton, Philosopher: I know that I have a high standing in this group, because I am great and loveable and kind and-

Iggy: I'm too hungry to work.

Roy: I'm too macho.

Larry, Spy: Who's he think he is? At least I have a legitimate excuse!

Ludwig: I will, for immunity.

Bowser: I order you to work!

Bowser, Tyrant: Lazy kids of mine…

Susan: You don't expect your favorite niece to work, do you?

Bowser: Of course not!

Susan, Pain in the Neck: I guess Bowser's always good for something, but as soon as I get my standing secure, he's outta here.

Wendy: Larry?

Larry: I... uh, have to tend to my plants!

Wendy, Beauty Queen: Liar!

Wendy: Then the day is wasted.

Ludwig: And so let it be.

Larry: I'm voting you off, Susan!

Susan: You’re funny!

Larry: Ya know, I’m getting hungry guys. I could find the kitchen myself, of course, but maybe it’d just be best if we got Ludwig to give us the map.

Roy: I’m all for that! Ludwig, what gives?

Ludwig: It’s… difficult to interpret. Only I can possess the map.

Ludwig, Genius: Actually, it’s written for a two-year old, but I’m too intelligent to yield the immunity this will bring me. Plus, I was honest enough because some of them still won’t be able to understand this instrument.

Bowser: Baloney! Mm! Doesn’t that sound good?

Iggy: We’ll be lucky if any of the meat in there is recognizable. I hear no one’s lived in this building for hundreds of years.

Wendy: Really? That’s interesting, because I heard noises upstairs last night.

Susan: Must’ve been the last owners. Say, where’s Morton?

Roy: Bowser and I tied him up last night. It’s a good thing Lemmy’s not here. He’d probably say that’s against the rules.

Morton, Philosopher: Actually, I only pretended to be tied up. I can still talk to the camera, and I think that if I don’t talk so much to them maybe they’ll forget to vote me off because they’ll think I’m already gone, so that is my strategy on how to win the million coins but especially the car and…

Bowser: Are we going to eat sometime during these 39 days?

Ludwig: To be more precise, there are currently merely 38 days left. Not so harsh when you consider it now, correct?

Larry: No! Now give!

Ludwig: That’s not occurring! I will travel to the kitchen myself and retrieve the food.

Wendy: Get the map!

Iggy: Uh… what she said!

Iggy, Paper Weight: Maybe if I’m agreeable, they’ll keep me around.

Roy: Yeah, let’s do it!

The Koopas, except for Morton, reach for the map that Ludwig is holding and pull. The map rips into a piece for each of them.

Ludwig: You fools! Now this precious instrument is marred!

Roy: Yeah, it’s ripped too!

Bowser, Tyrant: Who needs food? I’ll eat them!

Susan: Now we’re going to have to go to the kitchen together.

Larry: I’m not going if Susan goes!

Roy: And I’m not going if Ludwig goes!

Bowser: I’m staying here to rest.

Wendy: But no one can get any food unless we all go!

Wendy, Beauty Queen: Honestly, there is no choice except that I will beat these losers!

Roy: Fine, we’ll all go at different times.

Ludwig: It is necessary for us to go at once!

Iggy: I agree!

Larry: With who?

Iggy: Uh… I agree!

Larry, Spy: I think Iggy’s up to something. I think- ow! Who threw that at me?!

Bowser: Fine! Just let us all go!

Susan: Does that mean Morton too?

Wendy: No!

Bowser: Yes.

Ludwig: We don’t require him; he doesn’t own a slice of the map.

Iggy: I agree!

Roy, Heavyweight Champ: If Iggy thinks he’s scoring points off me by bein’ a yes-man or somethin’, he’s wrong! I have my own ways off getting rid of them, starting with whoever intends to vote me off!

Wendy: Are we going or not?

Larry: Where were we headed again?

Ludwig: I wonder if there is indeed a restroom…

Iggy: I agree!

Susan: Stop saying that!

Iggy: You don’t like it?

Susan: No, I like it more than Larry!

Iggy: Really? I agree!

Susan, Pain in the Neck: If I get through these 39 days, I don’t think I’ll be coming back to see these losers anymore, ‘xept for Larry.

Ludwig, Genius: 38 days!

Susan, Pain in the Neck: Grr…

Roy: I’m hungry! Let’s go to the kitchen.

Bowser: Let’s eat!

Wendy: Fine, we’ll go.

Larry: We haven’t found the restroom yet.

Wendy smacks Larry, then they piece the map together and head off to the kitchen.

Wario: Wake up!

Toad: Uh… we already were up.

Wario: Really?

Yoshi: Hey! Where Luigi and Princess?

Waluigi: I think I saw them going off somewhere last night.

Wario, Strategist: It figures they went off and left me with these losers!

Peach: That was fun last night, Luigi!

Luigi: You think so! Hey, we should go find the bathroom.

Peach: Don’t you remember? We found that yesterday.

Luigi: D’oh! Why didn’t you tell me?

Peach, Princess: Ew!

Toad: So, what do we do today?

The King: How about an intense game of checkers?

Waluigi: You brought checkers as your comfort item?

The King: Who said anything about comfort items?

Wario: Yeah, what’d each of you bring anyway?

Mario: I brought a key!

Toad: A key?! This could be great! What does it open?

Mario: Nothing, silly! It’s only pretend.

Toad, Mushroom Retainer: Remind me to never believe in Mario again.

Yoshi: Yoshi bring food!

Toad: Not bad! What ya got?

Yoshi: Oh, Yoshi ate food already!

Toad: Grr…

Wario: I pilfered the picnic basket before Koopa Troop got it inside.

Yoshi, Food Analyst: Yoshi glad Wario bring food, it good! Oh, but Yoshi hungry!

Toad: We’ll look into that later. Waluigi, what’d you bring?

Waluigi: I brought my favorite stuffed animal.

Toad: Great, well at least we have the hundred-dollar bill that I took. Now we’ll be able to buy stuff!

Wario: Idiot! There’s nothing to buy!

Waluigi, Scaredy Cat: I don’t speak to the camera much because I’m afraid. But it’s better than being near Toad, because I’m really afraid of him!

Toad: Uh… well look who’s coming back! Hi Peach! Hi Luigi!

Peach: Hi guys! I hope you slept well!

The King: Wuh? Who’s there?

Wario: We were talking about what we brought with us. What’s your comfort item?

Peach: I brought a Star, in case Bowser tries to attack.

Yoshi: Star good!

Toad: Yeah, good thinking Peach!

Luigi, Plumbus Wettus: I hope they don’t ask what I brought, because I can’t remember! That might hurt my standing more than it already has been.

Wario: Eh, not bad. Luigi, how about you?

Mario: I brought a key!

Luigi: Really? Well, er, I brought-

Luigi reaches into his pocket and his hand comes out soaking wet.

Luigi: Uh, yeah, I brought… beverages! But they spilled in my pants. Whoops!

Mario, Moron: It’s too bad that the drinks spilled. They looked quite tasty, almost like orange soda!

The King, King: I hope none of the games involve counting. I always get stuck at one!

Waluigi: So, what’s for doing today?

Peach: I thought we’d have to go look for food, but since Wario brought some, we can skip that part.

Wario, Strategist: I knew she was up to something! She wasn’t here when I said that, so she and Luigi must have formed an alliance against us and spied. Little does she know what I’ve done!

Toad: That game of checkers sounds pretty good right about now.

The King: But I don’t have any!

Mario: I think we should play with my key. Yeah, I’m a locksmith! Woohoo!

Peach, Princess: Trouble with his statement: he never thinks.

Toad: Hey Wario, what was your comfort item anyway?

Wario: Heh heh heh-heh!

Iggy: How much farther?

Bowser: Ask that one more time and I’ll rip your shell off, then vote you out of here!

Iggy: I agree!

Ludwig: According to my calculations, we ought to be there shortly. However, I am only able to be slightly accurate, since Larry took possession of his piece and tossed it at Susan.

Larry: How was I to know it was going to roll down the Dark Hallway?!

Ludwig: I was not accusing you of anything, I was merely-

Larry: Oh, so now you’re getting technical?!

Ludwig, Genius: Why do I bother to talk to these fools? Not one of them is half as good as me!

Wendy: I see it! I see the kitchen!

Roy: Out of my way!

Bowser: Not so fast! I’m getting there first!

Iggy starts running in slow motion.

Morton: Hey guys! You forgot me, left me behind, had me slip your mind, messed up, caused an error, ditched me, gave-

Everyone stares at Morton.

Morton, Philosopher: I forgot, neglected, and otherwise failed in my scheming plan, but it is of no matter of importance since I am surely positive to win this challenging contest anyway!

Wendy: What are you doing here?!

Larry: Shh! Don’t make him talk!

Iggy: Good idea! Morton, keep quiet and we’ll keep you around for a while, ok?

Morton: Ok! Fine! Good thinking! Way to go! Here’s to-

Susan: Can we just get to the kitchen now? I think my love is hungry.

Larry: Your “love” is going to kill you the first chance he gets!

Susan, Pain in the Neck: It’s only a matter of time until I rope Larry into my alliance. Then I’ll get Morton and Wendy, and I’ll never be voted off!

Roy: We’re there! Hooray!

Bowser: Search every cabinet and fridge! Leave no food unnoticed!

Everyone rummages through the kitchen, but no food is found.

Morton: This stinks, this is bad, this is the pits, it’s horrible, terrible, no good, and this is now a very bad day that I wished never to have to experience!

Iggy: I agree!

Ludwig: I perceived this section of carcass. However, I have the unfortunate duty of reporting that this probably ought to be carbon-dated.

Ludwig is holding something green. Whatever meat it used to be is completely unrecognizable.

Roy: Ew! Nasty, man!

Wendy, Beauty Queen: I can’t believe this! We finally reach the kitchen and there’s no food! It’s day two, and I’m dying!

Larry: Hey, look up there, near the ceiling! I see rows and rows of cans!

Susan: My love has done it again!

Larry, Spy: I may hate her, but at least comments like that one will help my standing in this mass.

Roy: Cool! Aw, but we can’t reach it!

Bowser: Allow me!

Bowser reaches his hands up and pulls down a few cans of yummy-looking food.

Iggy: Thanks King Dad!

Iggy, Paper Weight: Coolness! I knew King Dad was going to be a great help to the team! I only wish I could be so cool…

Bowser: Piece of cake! Mm!

Ludwig: I have to admit, that was quite impressive!

Roy, Heavyweight Champ: Darn! I wanted to get rid of him, but that move will probably help him out. I’ll have to bide my time and get the others votin’ for some one else.

Bowser, Tyrant: I’m a work of art, I know! Now that these kids of mine finally know it too, I’m sure to win this sorry excuse for a game!

Wendy: Ok, let’s eat!

The Koopas stare at the cans.

Larry: Anyone have a can opener?

Roy: I don’t.

Susan: So no one brought one?

Iggy: I hope you want me to say nope.

Bowser: Just great!

Toad: Checkmate!

The King: I lose.

Peach: What’re you guys doing?

Toad: We’re pretending to play chess. Mario’s fingers are my pieces, and The King is using Luigi’s.

The King: Yeah, but I always lose somehow.

Toad’s queen piece moves around the board and captures all of The King’s remaining pieces.

The King: See?

Toad, Mushroom Retainer: I know Mario was helping me out, but if Peach, King, and Luigi think I’m smart, I’ll be in good standing.

Mario: Lookie! Now the queen is dancing!

Mario does a bad, though sadly recognizable, attempt of having the queen do an erotic dance.

Peach: That… was lovely, Mario.

Mario, Moron: It’s-a me, Mario!

Luigi: I’m hungry. We haven’t eaten since we got here.

Yoshi: Yoshi eat!

Luigi: Don’t remind me.

Toad: Ok, let’s take a peek in Wario’s basket.

The King: Shouldn’t we do that in the bathroom?

Mario Gang gathers around the basket, but when they open it they find out it is empty.

Wario: What?!

Waluigi: Noo!

Luigi, Plumbus Wettus: Some one ate the food before I got there, but who?! If I ever find out, that person’s gone!

Wario: Who ate my food?

Toad: I bet it was Mario.

Mario: Requesting permission to land, over!

Peach: No, he wouldn’t be smart enough to open the lid.

Luigi: Ok, so it could have been Toad, Peach, Yoshi, Wario, Waluigi, or The King.

The King: Did some one want to play checkers?

Wario: Don’t forget that Luigi could have done it.

Luigi: Yes, I guess it could have been me.

Peach: So who would have been most likely to eat the food?

Yoshi, Food Analyst: Oh, Yoshi hope they no guess Yoshi! Yoshi hope Mario Gang find food!

Toad: I think it was Luigi. Remember how he spilt those drinks? He must’ve wanted some food to go with it.

Waluigi: I… er, well, that is to say-

Wario: Toad! You did it!

Toad: No way, honest!

The King, King: Did you ever think that if the grass was white and the clouds were green that we would keep falling until the grass was green again? No? Oh…

Waluigi: Maybe it could have-

Luigi: I think it really is Mario!

Mario: I think… d’oh!

Yoshi: Yoshi say Wario!

Waluigi: How about-

Peach: Yoshi’s looking very guilty over there.

Mario: Waluigi!

Toad: You think Waluigi did it, Mario?

Mario: Who did what?

Waluigi, Scaredy Cat: No one’s letting me speak! How will I show my strengths if no one stops for me? I guess I’m gone then.

Peach: I say we vote on who we think stole the food.

Toad: Yeah, and it’d be good practice for voting in case we lose the challenge tomorrow.

Wario: Who says we’re going to lose tomorrow?

Toad: No one, I just-

Wario: Traitor!

Toad: Grr…

Peach, Princess: When no one casts a vote for me, my position here will be raised, I think.

Luigi: Fine, we’ll vote.

Waluigi: But-

Toad: We have no paper.

Waluigi: Yes, I was just going to-

Luigi: Fine, we’ll tear off a piece of our clothes to write on.

Yoshi: Yoshi and Toad no have clothing!

The King: Who’s not dressed?

Luigi: Ok, then Peach, you tear off a piece for them as well.

Peach: Ok… wait a sec!

Wario: Time to vote!

The proper tearings are made, then everyone etches out (with their nails, since they have no pens) the name of the person they want to vote for. Peach collects the ballots and counts them.

Peach: Mario, I can’t read yours. What does it say?

Mario: I wrote hdijwxiweir2en`139f.

Peach: Yeah, I thought so.

Luigi: So, who did it?

Peach: Well, somehow everyone got one vote. I guess we’re all guilty.

Peach puts down the ballots, and Mario, Luigi, and Wario stare at her.

Wario, Strategist: Heh heh heh-heh!

Peach is wearing Mario’s overalls, and Mario is wearing Peach’s torn dress.

Mario: I feel pretty!

Luigi: I feel hungry! Where’s the food?

Yoshi: Yoshi skin and bones! Yoshi need food! Yoshi eat… Yoshi eat…

The King: I think Yoshi likes me. He is staring at me and drooling.

Wario: I’m tired of sitting around! Let’s get in shape for today’s challenge and go find the kitchen.

Luigi: The kitchen?! But… but no one’s ever come back from there!

Toad: No one’s ever gone there either, nimcompoop!

Luigi; Plumbus Wettus: Wah! He called me a nimcompoop! Now my self-esteem is ruined. I want out of this lousy building!

Waluigi: How about we-

Peach: I think we should send one person to the kitchen. Then if they don’t come back, we’ll send some one else.

Mario: Fire! Ha ha!

Toad: Sounds like a good plan to me.

Waluigi: But-

Peach: Fine, we’ll send Luigi.

Waluigi, Scaredy Cat: Fine, I didn’t like having Luigi around anyway. (sigh) I wish I could pull more weight in this mass.

Luigi: But I don’t want to go!

Wario: Too bad, nyah!

Luigi: I won’t do it!

Peach: Fine, we’ll just send Mario to do it, then.

Mario: Uh duhhuh! Uh duhhuh!

Waluigi: Come on! Now-

Yoshi: Mario no good this! Yoshi go, find lots food!

Toad, Mushroom Retainer: I’m just sitting on the sidelines over here, unnoticed. They’ll all be scoring negative points for this, so I’m coming out ahead! Some one has to get voted off today, maybe in our mass, and maybe Koopa Troop, so I need to make sure that it’s not me.

Wario: Yeah, then Yoshi will probably eat all the food in the kitchen.

Yoshi: No! Yoshi leave food for you.

Peach: This is stupid. How about if Luigi and Yoshi both go, and then Yoshi will be able to bring lots of food back, and Luigi will make sure Yoshi doesn’t eat any of it.

Wario: That could work.

The King: Wait a sec! Toad, you cheated yesterday!

Toad: What do you mean?

The King: That wasn’t you playing chess at all!

Toad: Uh, well-

The King: I know Yo Yo Ma when I see him!

Everyone Else: Huh?

Mario, Moron: One fish, two fish, red fish, uh… sue fish! I’m a lawyer!

Luigi: Fine, Yoshi and I will go to the kitchen.

Yoshi: Yoshi no go! Gang no trust Yoshi!

Peach: Some one has to go!

Wario: Not me!

Luigi: Well, I’m not going now!

Waluigi: I would be-

Yoshi: Yoshi hungry!

Ding dong!

Luigi: What? Who could that be?

Mario (talking into his key): Hello? Hello? Aw, they hung up!

Yoshi, Food Analyst: Yoshi thought it pizza, but Yoshi smell no pizza. Then Yoshi thought it Chinese, but Yoshi smell no Chinese. What world coming to where man ring door, bring no food?

Wario: Go away, we don’t want any!

Ding dong!

Peach: Some one should really go answer that door.

Waluigi: I’ll-

Toad: Fine, I guess I’ll do it.

Toad opens the door.

Guy: Hey, I know some one opened the door, but I don’t see anyone! Hellooo?

Toad slams the door.

Peach: Who was it?

Toad: Some idiot.

Wario, Strategist: I knew Mario was secretly planning something! Now I find out that the Mario in here is fake, and so then the other Mario must be real, which means there’s still only one Mario. So then Mario, the real one, not the fake Mario in here, is really smarter than Mario is letting on, which means I need to keep one eye on the fake Mario and one eye on the real Mario and the other somewhere in between.

The King: Was it my friend?

Waluigi: Ha ha! No, it was-

Ding dong!

Wario: It’s Mario again!

Mario: Help!

Peach: Go away, you’re scaring Mario!

Yoshi: Yoshi answer door.

Yoshi opens the door.

Guy: Hey little buddy! I’m your singing telegram, and I have information on tonight’s competition, so listen closely and then tell your mass exactly what I said, ok?

Down to the basement you will come tonight!

The King, King: …Oh, this thing’s on?

Luigi: Yoshi, you remember who you’ll vote for tonight if we need to, right?

Yoshi: Luigi can trust Yoshi!

Larry: I'm voting you off, Susan!

Susan: That’s so sweet!

Iggy: Has anyone thought of a way to open these cans yet?

Roy: I say we throw them at Larry until they break open, or until his head does, whichever occurs last!

Bowser: Some one’d better think of something quick! I think I’ve already lost ten pounds, and my shell is falling off!

Wendy: I’m so hungry, I could eat anything!

Ludwig: You may consume the foodstuff I discovered.

Wendy: I’m not that hungry!

Ludwig shrugs, then eats the meat.

Morton, Philosopher: Wow, now that took guts, that was impressive, it was daring, terrific, colossal, bold, incredible! One can only hope he won’t get a stomache ache to match later, but you never know around here, we’re all subjected to the same changing laws and you never seem to know what’s gonna happen! Like it could be first and ten, then second and twenty and you’re like woah, and-

Cameraman: Shut up!

Susan: If we can’t open the cans, we’re going to have to find a different source of food.

Wendy: Let’s eat Susan!

Susan: Larry, save me!

Larry, Spy: Uh oh! Do I save Susan and guarantee her vote on my side but jeapordize my standing otherwise, or do I go along with the others and help myself there? I- oof!

Roy, Heavyweight Champ: Now’s not the time for talk, now’s the time for killing Susan!

The Koopalings surround Susan.

Susan: G… guys?

Ding dong!

Susan: I’ll get it!

Ludwig: Desist! We’ll never discover our route backwards unless we travel together!

Susan: Right, we ALL need to go… heh heh…

Larry: All right, so let’s go!

Bowser: I say Larry and Morton run ahead, since they don’t have a piece of the map.

Ludwig: True, some one should respond to our visitor in short time.

Morton: Bad idea! Faulty reasoning! Foul! Out of bounds! Incorrect! Wrong! That is not a good plan!

All but Larry and Morton: Yes it is!

Larry and Morton are pushed off ahead while the others slowly follow behind.

Iggy: Don’t forget to take some cans.

Roy opens Iggy’s mouth and stuffs some cans inside.

Iggy, Paper Weight: Hey cool, now I’m beefy!

Ding dong!

Larry: Just follow the rings and we’ll find our way back.

But it doesn’t work, and Larry and Morton get stuck in some weird maze.

Larry: Poot.

Bowser: Make a right!

Wendy: No, left!

Roy: Straight, or I’ll slug ya!

Susan: Where’s Larry’s piece of the map when we need it?

Ludwig: He threw it in your direction, so it can only be deduced as your error which has caused it to go missing.

Susan: …No!

Ludwig: Let’s proceed in a rightward manner. Iggy will agree with me, correct?

Iggy: I agree!

Wendy: Fine, just don’t blame me when we get lost!

Later…

Guy: C’mon, open up!

Ludwig: It seems that I may have made a miscalculation.

Bowser: Again?! That’s your hundredth!

Ludwig: Hey, all good ideas take time!

Roy: How about a knock in the head?

Wendy: I see the door!

Iggy: Where?!

Wendy: There!

Iggy: There?

Wendy: No, there!

Iggy: …There?

Wendy: No! There!

Iggy: You mean-

Guy: Open up already!

Wendy, Beauty Queen: I’m getting that door! It may be the last ray of sanity I get!

Guy: I’ve been standing here for over an hour!

Wendy opens the door.

Guy: It’s about time! Ok, tell this to your mass.

Down to the basement you will come tonight!

Bowser: What was it?

Wendy: Something about the challenge… not important.

Iggy: Hey, where are Larry and Morton?

Bowser: Who cares?

Ludwig: They must have become misplaced. We need to find them or we will be hindered in the forthcoming competition.

Wendy: Grr… fine! Let’s go find them!

Bowser, Tyrant: We’ll find them all right. Then I’m going to kill them!

They go off to find Larry and Morton.

Lemmy Koopa: Ok! Time for a competition!

An hour later…

Lemmy Koopa: Any minute now!

An hour later…

Lemmy Koopa: Woohoo, yeah!

An hour later…

Mario Gang and Koopa Troop are finally assembled, after Lemmy called in the marines to find them and drag them down into the basement.

Wendy: Unhand me! I’m a princess!

Luigi: Stop, you’re tickling me, and I might just- uh oh…

Lemmy Koopa: Welcome, Mario Gang and Koopa Troop! I hope you have had three pleasant days.

Lemmy is met with sixteen stares.

Lemmy Koopa: Tonight’s challenge is for immunity. The mass that wins won’t have to come to Mass Massacre tonight. The rules are simple. Just collect sticks from the pile in the corner, set them in a pile, and light them on fire by using a match from this matchbook.

Lemmy hands Mario and Bowser a matchbook.

Lemmy Koopa: The winner gets the immunity idol, and also gets to keep the matches. Ok… go!

The two masses start running in slow motion, because none of them want to win- they both want to toss off a hated member.

An hour later…

Lemmy Koopa: I hate my job.

Both teams have assembled their sticks. Bowser is pretending to try to light matches. Mario is really trying for his team, but he is getting no luck. Suddenly, Susan, who doesn’t realize they are trying to lose, takes the matches from Bowser and lights a fire.

Susan: Yay!

Peach: Yay!

Koopa Troop, besides Susan: No!

Lemmy Koopa: Koopa Troop wins it!

Bowser: ROAR! Fine, give me the dang idol!

Lemmy Koopa: Err, well, unfortunately we ordered it through the US Post Office, and it hasn’t arrived yet. So… uh… you get this Mario doll instead!

Roy: No way! Man, this whole game is the pits!

Lemmy Koopa: Don’t forget, you can keep the matches. But, except in the basement, the zoning laws prohibit fire to be lit in the building. Sorry!

Koopa Troop leaves up the stairs from the basement.

Lemmy Koopa: Mario Gang, I’ll see you tonight-

Mario: Yay!

Lemmy Koopa: -on the roof of the building for Mass Massacre.

Mario: No!

Toad: Just how tall is this building?

Lemmy Koopa: Only about six floors.

Mario, Luigi, Wario, Waluigi, and The King faint.

Mario Gang walks out of the door and onto the roof. There is a bell, so Mario hits it with his head. The other members of the mass follow. They take a seat on the bench, only some fall off the other side.

Lemmy Koopa: Good evening, and welcome to Mass Massacre! Tonight, one of you will be the first to leave the building.

Luigi: Pick me!

Lemmy Koopa: Why do you say that, Luigi?

Luigi: Cuz I hate these people.

Lemmy Koopa: Fair enough. Anyone want to admit to feeling invincible tonight?

The King raises his hand.

Lemmy Koopa: How come?

The King: The answer is two!

Lemmy Koopa: Anyone want to admit to feeling vulnerable tonight?

Mario raises his hand.

Mario: I’m-a Mario!

Lemmy Koopa: Yeah, I can see why that would cost you. Behind you, you’ll see a staff. It’s supposed to be lit, but you’ll have to pretend because of the zoning laws. It’s time to vote. Luigi, you’re up!

Luigi goes to vote.

Mario goes to vote.

Mario, Moron: I’m voting for “The Kehng” because I think he’s stupid… zzz…

Peach goes to vote.

The King goes to vote.

Toad goes to vote.

Toad, Mushroom Retainer: My vote is for Peach, because she is my biggest competition, and she looks really stupid in Mario’s overalls.

Waluigi goes to vote.

Waluigi, Scaredy Cat: This is the only place where I get to voice my opinion, so I am putting Luigi in really big letters. If he wants to go so much, let him!

Wario goes to vote.

Yoshi goes to vote.

Yoshi: Yoshi no remember who Luigi said vote, so Yoshi vote Toad. Toad make Yoshi hungry!

Lemmy Koopa: Once the votes are tallied, the decision is final, and that person will be “asked” to leave the building immediately. I’ll go tally the votes.

Lemmy leaves, then brings back the vote bucket. He unwraps the first piece of paper he pulls out.

Lemmy Koopa: The first vote… is for Peach! The second vote… is for Luigi! The third vote… is for Mario! The fourth vote… is for Toad! The fifth vote… is for Yoshi! The sixth vote… is for Wario! The seventh vote… (Lemmy stares for a while) is for The King! That’s one vote for Mario, Luigi, Toad, Peach, Yoshi, Wario, and The King.

Lemmy pulls out the last piece of paper.

Lemmy Koopa: Drumroll, please!

Wario makes a loud drumroll by banging repeatedly on Mario’s hard head.

Lemmy Koopa: The first person to be voted off the mass is…

Lemmy turns around the last paper excrutiatingly slowly.

Lemmy Koopa: Toad.

Mario Gang: Gasp!

Toad: What?!

Lemmy Koopa: Please bring me your staff, Toad.

Toad gets up and retrieves his staff.

Toad: You’re all losers! What’s this staff for?

Lemmy Koopa: I’m supposed to extinguish the flame on it before you go, but, uh… how about you break it over the head of the one you feel most responsible for tossing you off?

Toad ponders for a minute, then breaks his staff over Wario’s head.

Wario: Ow! Wah!

Lemmy Koopa: You think Wario was the most responsible?

Toad: No, I just don’t like him.

Lemmy Koopa: Well, time to go. Please step into this really large cannon standing next to me.

Toad: Uh… I dunno, that cannon is pretty big.

Lemmy Koopa: Get in!

Toad climbs in, then Lemmy lights the fuse.

Lemmy Koopa: The mass has spoken.

The cannon fires Toad out high into the sky. He goes sailing into the oblivion, pausing only to crash through a large billboard on a nearby building.

Lemmy Koopa: Congratulations on surviving your first Mass Massacre. You’re free to go!

Mario Gang push and shove each other out of the way in their huffing-puffing attempts to get back to their camp.

Toad, Mushroom Retainer, on being voted off: I’m not sure what I did wrong, but I guess the majority rules. I wish Mario Gang the best of luck and- what am I saying?! DIE!

Who voted for who?

Luigi: Mario (hates his brother)

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