e2car: Hello? Is anyone watching?
Lakitu: Um… you know they're not going to respond, right?
e2car: Oh… right (sweatdrop). Even if I asked them to call in if they were watching, I bet I wouldn't get a single phone call. Okay, if you're watching our show right now, call 1-800-MKO and we'll pay you 1 coin!
Luigi: Wow. One amazing coin.
Yoshi: Yoshi could buy ice cream! Yoshi love ice cream!
e2car: To our telephones!
Telephone: You have…1,809 new messages…
e2car: That had better be just some phone solicitor!
Telephone: Message 1… Hey, it's Goombario. I could use that coin you know.
1 hour later…
Telephone: Message 1,809… It's-a-me, Mario!
e2car: Crud. Guess I can't buy that Playstation 2 now. I think maybe I should start the matches now, before I lose what few viewers I have…
Mario vs. Koopa Troopa
Lakitu: We decided to spice Mario's match up a little bit. We'll just give him, say, a little advantage.
Koopa Troopa: Little?
Lakitu: Yeah, the match is still simple, but it beats tossing a coin! Simply put, the first to jump on their opponent's head wins!
Koopa Troopa: But I can't jump!
Lakitu: Precisely. Now keep quiet or take a couple Spinies to the face.
Koopa Troopa: Geez…
Mario: It's-a-me, Mario!
Lakitu: Ready, begin!e2car: Hello? Is anyone watching?
Lakitu: Um… you know they're not going to respond, right?
e2car: Oh… right (sweatdrop). Even if I asked them to call in if they were watching, I bet I wouldn't get a single phone call. Okay, if you're watching our show right now, call 1-800-MKO and we'll pay you 1 coin!
Luigi: Wow. One amazing coin.
Yoshi: Yoshi could buy ice cream! Yoshi love ice cream!
e2car: To our telephones!
Telephone: You have…1,809 new messages…
e2car: That had better be just some phone solicitor!
Telephone: Message 1… Hey, it's Goombario. I could use that coin you know.
1 hour later…
Telephone: Message 1,809… It's-a-me, Mario!
e2car: Crud. Guess I can't buy that Playstation 2 now. I think maybe I should start the matches now, before I lose what few viewers I have…
Mario vs. Koopa Troopa
Lakitu: We decided to spice Mario's match up a little bit. We'll just give him, say, a little advantage.
Koopa Troopa: Little?
Lakitu: Yeah, the match is still simple, but it beats tossing a coin! Simply put, the first to jump on their opponent's head wins!
Koopa Troopa: But I can't jump!
Lakitu: Precisely. Now keep quiet or take a couple Spinies to the face.
Koopa Troopa: Geez…
Mario: It's-a-me, Mario!
Lakitu: Ready, begin!
Koopa Troopa is rocketing around in his shell, just avoiding Mario as long as he can. Meanwhile, Mario is hallucinating Power Stars and jumping for them.
Mario: Hey-a, Star! Come-a back!
e2car: I assume this is bad for Koopa Troopa…
Somehow, Koopa Troopa is still avoiding the bouncing Mario! Unable to see when in his shell, he can’t steer with any skill. Conveniently, Koopa Troopa is heading straight for a little rock overhang. Without knowing it, he rolls up incline.
Koopa Troopa: I feel like I’m going upside-down…
Then the ground stops, and Koopa Troopa goes airborne.
Koopa Troopa: Um… am I flying?
With some Mario-style luck, Koopa Troopa flies right onto Mario’s head, giving him a good bonk.
Lakitu: Whoa… Koopa Troopa wins!
Koopa Troopa: Yes! Woohoo! I beat Mario!
Mario, still hallucinating, mistakes Koopa Troopa for a Star. He jumps on him, knocking him out of his shell, and gives the peace sign. However, like in Mario 64 he starts riding the shell, towards the wall.
Mario: Here we goooooooooo…
WHAM!
Koopa Troopa (out of shell): Hey you hijacker! Come back here! That’s my shell!
(Voting: K. Troopa 8-7)
e2car: Wow... Mario lost. What a surprise! (Well, kinda...) I guess lots of people like rooting for the underdog. Either that, or they hate Mario. Same thing!
Luigi vs. Ludwig
Lakitu: This challenge will be a test of skill. As you can see to your right…
Both look right, obviously.
Luigi: Whoa!
Another of Ludwig’s inventions goes BOOM!
Lakitu: … is a giant maze. If you can see that bright light behind it, that’s the metal star that you must get before your opponent to win the challenge. No inventions allowed. You may attack your opponent, though.
Luigi: Oh-a, that thing-a?
Lakitu: Yes. Now, you two enter through that opening on the right. Ready, go!
Both enter the maze. Luigi walks around in circles until he realizes…
Luigi: I’ve-a been walking around-a in circles-a!
Meanwhile…
Ludwig: This section of the maze looks oddly familiar.
Then, both look behind them and find…
Luigi: AAH! Oh wait…
… each other.
They both give each other a good smack.
Luigi: OW-a!
Luigi speeds on ahead, staring at his feet. Then… wham! Luigi runs into a dead end. Meanwhile, e2car is singing Dead End from Dance Dance Revolution.
Lakitu: Wasn’t “wham” supposed to be capitalized?
Cameraman: No, it wasn’t powerful enough.
Ludwig dashes around also, but then… THUD! He falls into a trap hole. Meanwhile, e2car is now singing Drop Out drom DDR.
Lakitu: Watch out for traps!
Luigi finds Ludwig getting out of the hole. He springs from behind him and fireballs him. Unfortunately, Luigi has amazingly bad point-blank aim and misses. The fireball hits a bush. FOOM! The maze burns to the ground in seconds. Then, both spot the star right in front of them, about 100 feet away! Luigi fires again, hitting Ludwig.
Ludwig: Yow! Owowowowowowowowowowo!
Unfortunately again for Luigi, this causes Ludwig to run like a madman, like a cartoon character, until… BANG! He runs into the star.
Lakitu: Okay… Ludwig wins!
Ludwig: (still running) OwowowowoWoohooowoowowogetmeafireextinguisher!
(Voting: Ludwig 8-7)
e2car: *blink* I dunno.
Crowd: BOOOOO!
e2car hides.
Yoshi vs. Bombette
e2car: Two last words. Go Yoshi!
Lakitu: We all like Mario Kart, right?
e2car: You know, I don’t think Crazy Packers Fan imitations were part of the plan…
Yoshi: This mean two things: Mario Party or Mario Kart.
Lakitu: Yup. It’s a Mario Kart race on Yoshi Valley.
Bombette: Hey, no fair! Yoshi knows his own course like… um… uh…
Yoshi, Lakitu, and e2car: …
Bombette: Well, you get the point!
Yoshi: Yoshi no know course well. Nobody know course well.
Lakitu: Yoshi has a point. Practically nobody knows how to navigate it right every time.
Bombette: Fine then…Hey wait, don’t we need karts?
Lakitu: Oh yeah…
Yoshi and Bombette: …
Lakitu: Here they are. Yoshi, you get the green one, and Bombette gets the pink.
Both jump in.
Lakitu: Now, are you ready?
Bombette: No. You know, it might help if I HAD ARMS to control this thing!
Lakitu: I equipped it with a mind-control device.
Bombette: (in a trance) Must… buy… turbo-charged engine…
Lakitu: No, you control it mentally. Plus it evens out what advantage Yoshi had.
Bombette: (snapping out of trance) Oh! Cool!
Lakitu: Anyways, 3, 2, 1 GO!
Vrrrrrrrrrrooooom! Bombette zooms off into the lead, with Yoshi following. Going into the canyon part of Yoshi Valley, Bombette leads by 3 kart-lengths. Naturally Yoshi can find the right path easily, while Bombette is a little confused. Yoshi takes the right path through while Bombette gets a little mixed up. But...
Yoshi: AAAAAAAAaaaaaahhhhh! *thud*
Yoshi has fallen off the edge. Lakitu picks him up.
Lakitu: (holding Yoshi and his cart off the end of a fishing pole): I hate this job. It's gonna kill my back.
Naturally Bombette has caught up, and the two are neck and neck. Going around a tough corner, they naturally...
Yoshi and Bombette: AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaahhhhh! *thud thud*
... fall off the edge.
Lakitu: I can't pick up two people at once. So...
Bombette and Yoshi: Memememememememe!
Lakitu picks up Bombette first.
Bombette: Yay!
Yoshi: Aww... Yoshi lose!
Bombette zooms away. Three seconds later, Yoshi does too.
Bombette: Just in case that overcute dino catches up...
Going over the bridge, Bombette explodes, destroying it.
Bombette (in mid-air): In retrospect,
it would've been nice if I crossed it FIRSsssssst!
*thud*
Yoshi could catch up, but the bridge is out.
Yoshi: What if I use Mushroom?
Yoshi uses a Mushroom for a speed boost.
Bombette: Ha! It'll never work!
Yoshi hits a bump in the road and goes flying.
Bombette: WHAT?!
The camera changes to one looking up from the bottom of the canyon. In that classic slow-motion style, the underside of Yoshi's kart is seen at the left side of the screen and slowly passes over to the right. Bombette proceeds to say the classic line.
Bombette: This CAN'T be happening!!!
Yoshi touches down on the other side, and cheers.
Yoshi: Yay!
Yoshi crosses the finish line with ease.
Yoshi: Yoshi win!
Lakitu: Yoshi is the winner!
(Voting: Yoshi 12-4)
e2car: (cuddling Yoshi doll) 'Nuff said.
Mr. Game and Watch vs. Bow
Lakitu: Ok... for this battle...
Mr. G+W and Bow look on anxiously.
Lakitu: It's going to be... a battle!
Contestants: ...
Lakitu: As in, beat each other up.
Contestants: ...
Lakitu: Ready, GO!
Mr. G+W leaps at Bow. Insert Paper Mario battle scene transition here. Cue the boss battle music!
G+W: 30/30 HP
Bow: 30/30 HP
Bow takes the initiative in attacking, using the Smack attack and slapping Mr. Game and Watch silly... or at least for 6 damage. (Ultra-Rank Bow, I guess. Oops, am I speaking in Paper Mario again?) G+W counters with the Chef move (think SSBM), doing, um… 4 damage.
G+W: 24 HP
Bow: 26 HP
G+W tries to attack Bow with the Helmet Charge move, but Bow uses Outta Sight, so G+W plows right thru her into the invisible wall, doing 2 damage to itself.
G+W: 22 HP
Bow: 26 HP
However, this leaves Bow unable to move next turn. G+W takes advantage of this and uses the powerful Fire Attack move, causing 8 damage.
G+W: 22 HP
Bow: 18 HP
Bow, having only 4 moves from Paper Mario compared to G+W's, um... many, uses the Smack attack again. 6 damage. G+W uses the Flag Smack move and also does 6 damage.
G+W: 16 HP
Bow: 12 HP
Bow, having some FP to spare apparently, uses the even more powerful Fan Smack attack, and does 10 (!) damage. G+W, again, uses Flag Smack.
G+W: 6 HP
Bow: 6 HP
Bow, now out of FP, uses the Smack attack on G+W. However, due to fatigue she only manages to get five smacks in, bringing him down to 1 HP. G+W attempts to finish off Bow by using Flag Smack, but Bow pulls off an action command, reducing the damage to 5 HP.
Both: 1 HP
Which one will win? Whoever attacks first…
Bow goes first! But... when she attacks, no damage is done! It appears a badge from Paper Mario has appeared on Mr. Game and Watch, and it’s the, um... badge that sometimes makes enemies miss when the owner is in Danger (<5 HP)! Now, all G+W needs to do is attack, and he'll win!
...
He does so.
Bow: No... I... can't... lose...
Mr. Game and Watch earns 20 Star Points!
Lakitu: Mr. Game and Watch is the winner!
Mr. G+W: Beep!
(Voting: G+W 9-4)
e2car: Um... I don't know what to say, it could've gone either way!
Kirby vs. Sonic
Lakitu: Ok... For this match it should be... how about...
Sonic: How 'bout a race?
Lakitu: Yeah, that's it! A race! (Again?)
Kirby looks dissapointed. Sonic looks like this: ^__^
Lakitu: Except you both get to ride in these little racecar thingies.
Sonic: NUUUUUU! <--- See, he goes faster on foot.
Kirby: Fiya! <-- Textization of a Kirby sound.
Both racers jump into their go-karts, Sonic reluctantly, Kirby happily.
Lakitu: 3... 2... 1GO!
Both racers get caught by surprise, but eventually floor the gas and go screaming off.
Cars: VRRROOOM!
Drivers: AAAAAAAAH!
See, I told you they went screaming off.
Sonic: Whoo! What a rush!
Kirby: Fiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
e2car: <-- has been watching too much Kirby anime
The camera zooms in on Kirby's speedometer: 892 MPH. Sonic and Kirby zoom into the first corner. They smash into the wall- you try reacting that fast! Luckily, the cars are pretty much crash proof, so they just kinda scrape along the wall. Kirby finally finds the brake, and slows the car down to a comfortable speed, like 100 MPH. Sonic pulls away quickly and soon is nearly finished with the course which is rather short.
Sonic: Bye bye Kirby!
Zoom out the camera to show Sonic's car in mid-air. Sonic does not seem to notice, even though the car is falling. Fast.
Sonic: Hey, is the track going down on a steep incline or...
Sonic finally notices he's in midair.
Sonic: ... crUddddddddddddddddddddddddd…
Amy: SONIKKU!! <-- Sonic's self appointed girlfriend, for those who don't know. Sonic personally could care less about Amy.
Kirby screeches to the edge of a corner. Strangely enough, this corner has no walls. Weird. There are also tire tracks going straight off the edge. Kirby looks confused. He then continues to slowly putt along, following the course. Lakitu stands at the finish line, holding a checkered flag. Kirby comes into view from the last corner, and crosses the finish line.
Lakitu: Kirby wins!
Kirby jumps in the air happily.
(Voting: Kirby 11, Sonic 6)
e2car: Well, I didn't really EXPECT Sonic to win. After all, this is a Mario site, and Sonic could be considered one of Mario's greatest rivals. But where does Pikachu rank in? Who cares...
Geno vs. Tails
Lakitu: Ok... This match will be a simple battle to get to the end of the classic SMB 1-1 stage.
Tails: SMB?
Lakitu: Super Mario Bros.
Tails: Oh.
Lakitu: Ready, begin!
Contestants: Wait!
Both Geno and Tails get dropped into separate versions of the level. Being kinda clueless about 2D platformers, they stumble around and lose lots of lives. Fortunately, they have infinite lives.
Geno attempts charging up a Geno Beam, and fires. He ends up taking out everything within a reallybignumber-mile radius.
Tails runs aimlessly forward, stumbling over some pipes while thrashing a couple Goombas.
Geno leisurely walks forward, sometimes stepping over a random burnt pile of ash.
Tails stumbles over another pipe, except this time he falls in and warps underground.
Geno does the same. Go figure.
So... they end up going through the level at nearly the same time. Tails slightly ahea. Both jump for the flagpole. Tails looks like he'll win, but…
He jumps OVER the flagpole!
Tails lands face-first on the brick floor, while Geno slides down the flagpole slowly and enters the building at the end of the level, which is actually a warp back to the stadium. Tails eventually pulls himself off the brick floor and gloomily enters the building as well.
Lakitu: Geno wins!
Geno nods.
(Voting: Geno 9-8)
e2car: (goggling at the numbers) Whoa. Geno almost... lost? What happened to the SMRPG fanbase? And most people hate Sonic characters also! Weird. Very... weird.
Lemmy vs. Mallow
Lakitu: This match will be a... golf match!
Both contestants slump a little. Golf... how exciting. Lakitu directs the contestants over to the golf hole, which is, strangely, hole 0. Both goggle at the hole.
Narrator on TV: Hole 0, Par 10. This "fun" golf hole has many things in store for today's lucky golfers, including lots of water, sand, and a couple other surprises. (Like Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour EXTREME!)
Lakitu: Lemmy, you go first.
Lemmy: *sigh* Here we go...
Lemmy takes a big swing at the ball and sends the ball flying. It lands on a fairway and rolls.
Lemmy: Yes!
The ball, however, rolls... and rolls... and rolls... right into the water hazard at the end of the fairway.
Lemmy: No!
Lakitu: Oh, that's too bad. One-stroke penalty. You're up, Mallow!
Mallow nervously walks up to the tee and swings at the ball. The ball does not travel very far. It lands in a sand hazard (bunker).
Mallow: Well... it could be worse.
Lemmy is seen standing on a sharp incline. Replay: Ball rolls. Ball rolls down sharp incline. Ball falls in water.
Of course, some rule decides to stick the ball as close as possible to the water. So it ends up on the incline. Lemmy swings at the ball. But before he makes contact, the ball Lemmy stands/rolls/whatever on rolls down the incline, leaving Lemmy swinging at thin air.
Lemmy: AARGH- *splash*
Repeat the process about 50 times until Lemmy actually hits the ball... into a tree.
Mallow walks to the sand hazard. Just as he arrives there, a Chain Chomp appears out of nowhere in the sand hazard and devours his ball. Mallow jumps 10 feet in the air.
Mallow: YAAAH!
Lakitu: 1-stroke penalty.
The ball gets placed at the edge of the sand hazard. The Chain Chomp eats it again. Repeat process 50 times... until someone's smart enough to NOT replace the ball in the sand hazard. Mallow hits the ball into the same tree Lemmy's ball is in.
Now to Lemmy's shot... A VERY soaked Lemmy stands in the tree and swings at the ball. Somehow, he hits both his and Mallow's ball, and the balls land in a warp pipe. The warp pipe eventually spits out the balls onto the green, approx. 1 foot from the hole..
Mallow is about to putt the unmissable putt, when of course some idiot shouts...
Some Idiot: GO MALLOW!
Malllow jumps another 10 feet in the air and lands on the ball, crushing it.
Lakitu: I'm sorry, you just crushed your ball. That'll be a 1-stroke penalty.
Mallow looks disappointed. He then putts the new ball into the hole. Total for Mallow: 53 strokes.
Lemmy shrugs and putts his ball into the hole. Total for Lemmy...
52 strokes.
Lakitu: Lemmy wins!
It starts to rain. It looks like Mallow's crying again...
(Voting: Lemmy 8-7)
e2car: What, you expect Lemmy to lose in a place called Lemmy's Land?
Bowser vs. Roy
Bowser: If you win this you're going in the dungeon for a year, Roy!
Roy: Um... heh heh...
Lakitu: This match will be...
Lakitu shuffles through an ocean of papers.
Lakitu: Hey, a paper Cheep Cheep!
Lakitu finally finds the right paper.
Lakitu: Hmm... let's see... Bowser vs. Roy... Hmm... It seems you two are going to battle.
Both: WHAT?!
Roy feels a little tougher (and stupider) now.
Roy: Well, if I win, you'll be too weak to punish me!
Bowser: Grr...
Lakitu: Ready, go!
Both Koopas lunge at each other a couple times... and miss spectacularly. They slam into the floor.
Both: Ow!
They lunge at each other again. They hit this time.
Both: Ow!
Bowser breathes fire at Roy, and grins evilly. When the fire dies down, Roy is gone. Did he disappear? Is he roasted into ash? Is that Roy behind Bowser? Since when did Roy know stealth moves?
Roy punches Bowser. Bowser blinks. Roy blinks. The crowd blinks in unison.
Roy: YAAAAGH!
Roy flies up into the air in comic fashion. See, Roy punched Bowser from the back. And there's spikes there. Roy falls back down onto... Bowser's head.
Bowser: OW!
Roy then falls into the position he was before.
Bowser: Whoooooaaaa...
Bowser tips back and forth, unstable. A giant shadow looms over Roy and gets bigger by the second.
Roy: AAAAGH-
WHAM! Bowser falls over onto Roy, squashing him flat.
Lakitu: Bowser wins!
Bowser sits up.
Bowser: GUARDS! Take him away!
Lakitu: But, I but... you...
The guards walk right past Lakitu and haul a flat Roy away.
(Voting: Tied 7-7, chose Bowser)
e2car: And that's all the battles for today! Wasn't that exciting?
Silence.
e2car: Whatever… Anyway, I'm actually alive still so I'll be working on the Mario Olympics a lot more now! ... Except school just started... AAARGH!
Scroll this episode's credits!
All losers were given 100 of their currency as a consolation prize.
Match-ups for next time:
Next round, it's going to be a little different. With only eight contestants left, there's going to be a double Mario Party battle, as all 8 characters struggle to earn a spot in the Final Four! Vote for the two characters from each bracket you want to move on!
Group 1: Luigi, Yoshi, Koopa Troopa, Bowser
Group 2: Mr. Game and Watch, Geno, Kirby, Lemmy.
Once again, choose two characters from each group! From... wherever I am, this is e2car, signing out!