Chapter 6: Excess Access on the Excess Express. Wait, what?
LAST TIME, ON THIS STUPID FF…
Doopliss: A new Crystal Star has revealed itself!
Mario: NOT ANOTHER GHOST STORY!!
Cut to Cortez.
Cortez: YOHOHOHOHO!!!
Cortez dies.
The party is now at the 999-Year Window.
Koops: Yes! We got another Crystal Star!
Mario: Well, hopefully this chapter isn’t ghosty…
Mario puts the Crystal Star on the altar. More special effects, and Mario gets a cheap upgrade of an earlier healing power. Then an orange Crystal Star appears in a small town. A large bank-like building covers it.
Goombella: That can’t be too bad, can it?
The party warps back to Professor Frankly’s.
Frankly: The next Crystal Star is located in Poshley Heights. You need to take a train there, but unfortunately, the only person who could give you the tickets was killed in Chapter 3.
The party glares at Mario.
Mario: What? It was a Chuckster!
Frankly: Thankfully, someone else is going to give you a ticket.
Vivian: Who?
The Great Zamboni bursts in through the window.
Frankly: You could have just used the door.
Great Zamboni: Ha ha! The Great Zamboni has two tickets, and will give one to Mario!
Mario: YAY! Problem solved!
Doopliss: But… do you feel like we’re forgetting something?
In Creepy Steeple…
Duplighost: Stupid missles… made my imposter Doopliss die… Hmph! But, when this next bell rings…
BONG BONG BONG!
Doopliss: YUKYUKYUKYUKYUK!!!
In Joke’s End, a pot of Joke Broth Soup boils over, causing an insane Goomba to solidify and then explode. The wisps of gas the Goomba exploded into then turn into the ghost of Smithlettatanga (what?!) which clobbers the party, sending them into the Excess Express (the train). Then Smithlettatanga disappears. On the train…
Goombella: Well, at least we made it.
Ticket Collector: Your tickets?
Koops: DIE!
Koops hides in his shell and smashes into the ticket collector, who flies off the train and into a lake, where a hungry Nibbles completely fails to eat him.
Nibbles: Toads taste blagh.
At sunset…
Chef Shimi: AAAAAAAAAAHHH! MY PRIZE PAN IS GONE!!!
Vivian rolls her eyes.
Vivian: It’s on your head, you moron.
Chef Shimi: Oh, so that’s why I couldn’t see.
Later…
Guy at the Back of the Train (GBT): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! MY BLANKET IS GONE!!!
The rest of the passengers converge at this point, and a penguin wearing a detective hat comes over.
Penguin: I am Inspector Pennington. Now, my dear Mario, we shall look for CLUES!
Little Kid: BLUE’S CLUES! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!
Inspector Pennington is tackled by a large felt dog.
Large Felt Dog: I’m Blue! BUY NINTENDOGS NOW!!!
Random Bob-omb: But where are… BLUE’S CLUES?!
Koops: This story gets cheesier with every chapter.
Arg! He broke the code!
GBT: BUT WHERE’S MY BLANKET?!
Mario: You mean the blanket in that locked room?
GBT: Oh yeah. Thanks.
Doopliss: Well, we’d better go to bed.
The next morning…
Announcer Guy: PLEASE NOTE, WE WILL STOP FOR REFUELING AT SUNSET STATION. THANK YOU.
Goombella: Sounds like a plot device…
At the station…
Ticket Guy: Ticket?
Toad with Shades: I don’t need one– I’m Zip Toad.
Ticket Guy: Oh, right. Ticket?
Mario: I don’t need one. I’m Mario.
Ticket Guy: So?
Mario: And I have a big hammer.
Ticket Guy: Oh. Right this way.
Conductor: THIS IS AWFUL!!! I can’t get the bridge down because the switch is in that building!
Koops: Leave it to us!
The party is now… IN! THE! ABANDONED!! STATIONNNNN!!!
Buzzy Beetle: Attack, brethren!
Poison Pokey: POKEPOKEPOKE.
Ruff Puff: BSPOEIHROSEUHWUIEFH!!!
Goombella: Oy! Every monster in this place is attacking! Blender attack?
Doopliss: Blender attack.
Everyone: BLENDER ATTACK!!!
Mario stands on top of Doopliss and spins around Vivian, who’s holding on to Koops, who’s holding on to Goombella. The party spins around until Mario lets go, sending Vivian, Koops, and Goombella into the Poison Pokeys, scattering their sections and destroying them.
Poison Pokeys: WE OBJECT!
BOOM!
Poison Pokeys: No we don’t…
Vivian: Good. Now, let’s go in there!
The party enters a room full of gears. A Nibbles bites Mario.
Mario: OW! What was that for?!
Five more Nibbles fly at Mario.
Mario: WHAT?!
Mario dodges, and the Nibbles explode.
Voice: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
An organic robot… thingy… steps out of the shadows.
Thingy: I AM RAHU THE GUY YOU CAN NEVER EVER EVER EVER BEAT! EVER!!!
Koops: Ack! Custom Robo reference!
Rahu tries to kill everyone, but is shot in the back by a random Pokey. Then Rahu spontaneously combusts.
Pokey: Yay.
Pokey Fanbase: YAAAAAAAAAYYYY POK–
Kamek: SILENCE LEVEL XVIII!!!
ZAPPITY!
Fanbase: MMF!
Kamek: I like Final Fantasy.
Doopliss: All I know is that we’re free to go on!
Mario: So, what are we waiting for?
Five minutes later…
Enemy Horde: ATTACK!!!
Mario: Oh. That’s what. Um, let’s RETREAT!!!
WHAM! The party falls down a story and lands near a door.
Koops: Where does this door lead to?
Inside…
Welsh Corgi: Buy Nintendogs now!
Golden Retreiver Puppy: I mean, we’re so much cuter than them!
Doggy Fanbase: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! So CUTE!!!
Koops: I had to ask, didn’t I?
Doopliss: Let’s just sneak by quietly with a copy of Advance Wars: Dual Strike.
This they now do. However, a large tank then smashes through the wall. A large burly guy pops out of the tank.
Large Burly Guy (LBG): Did you just buy Advance Wars: Dual Strike?!
Vivian: Uhhhhhh… Yeah?
LBG: YAAAAAAAAAYYY!!! THE REVOLUTION HAS STARTED! ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK!
Hundreds of thousands of tanks, soldiers, missiles, and infantry suddenly burst into the station, opening fire upon the puppies, who defend with their abject cuteness. In the ensuing bloodbath between the army and the puppies’ fanbase, the party sneaks over to the next room.
Vivian: Pah! What could be worse than that?
The room is filled with black smoggy things that jump on Mario.
Mario: YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
The sheer number of A’s and H’s (I think there’s a pattern here) repels the black smoggy things enough so a lever is revealed.
Goombella: I wonder what this lever does?
Goombella jumps on the lever, pushing it down and causing a button to pop up on a stage elsewhere in the room.
Doopliss: Couldn’t they have just gotten the lever to do the work of the button? OW! I CAN’T SEE!
Koops: Seems like a blinding flash of the obvious. When you get over it, hit that button.
Doopliss: Grumble.
Doopliss hits the switch. Outside…
Conductor: YAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!! THE GATE IS DOWN AGAIN! But for now, I think I’ll just pound on that Toad with sunglasses over there.
The conductor slams Zip Toad, who turns out to be the REAL Duplighost.
Duplighost: AUGH! I’LL BE BACK!!!
Duplighoust disappears in a puff of confetti.
Douglas Adams: HEY THAT’S COPYR- Oh wait, that’s “confetti”, not “logic”. Carry on.
Back in the station…
Vivian: Hey, an elevator!
The party takes the elevator up to the lobby. Along the way, a pair of shoes that are colored red fall into the elevator.
Anonymous Voice: You got the Ultra Boots. Now you can slam your head against the wall, dislodging badges and other small objects. Medical fees included.
Low fast side-effects voice (LFS-EV): Side effects may include…
As the LFS-EV talks for several hours, the party comes into the lobby and exits through the front door.
Mario: Arg! Couldn’t we just have gone through that way?
Maguskoopa: No, because we need the war between AW and Nintendogs for a plot device. Wait… ACK! I GAVE AWAY A PLOT DEVICE!
Doopliss: We do?
Everyone except for the author gets on the train, which heads off on the bridge. The next day…
Koops: I’m going to visit with the conductor.
Koops goes to the front of the train.
Conductor: Oh, hi Koops! What can I do for you?
Koops: Oh, I just wanted to say hi…
Conductor: Well, tha- WHAT’S THAT?!
The black smoggy things from before attach to the window, leak in through a crack, and spread throughout the rest of the train.
Koops: Jibblyjibblyjibblyjibblyjibbly!!!
Koops runs to Mario’s room.
Mario: Koops? What’s going on?
Koops: JibblySMOGGYjibblyTHINGSjibblyKIDNAPjibblyCUSTOMERSjibblyROOF!!!
Koops jibblies himself onto the roof.
Goombella: Well then, let’s go there!
The party runs as fast as they can to the roof of the train, where they battle more smoggy things. Suddenly…
Smoggy Things: SMORGSMORGSMORGSMORG!
The Smorgs form into one huge Smorg, which then grabs all of the passengers except for the Great Zamboni.
Great Zamboni: Back, vile thingy!
The Great Zamboni attempts to headbonk Smorg, but is smacked into the distance.
Vivian: Looks like we’re dead.
Mario: Wait! I have these five rings…
The party puts them on.
Smorg: SMOOOOOOOORRRG!
Smorg forms a pincer out of its smoggy appendages, and tries to pinch Doopliss. However, the attack misses completely.
Doopliss: Ha! Missed me! Now then…
Koops: Right. WATER!
Vivian: FIRE!
Goombella: WIND!
Doopliss: EARTH!
Mario: HEART!
VREEEEM! A blue guy with a strange haircut comes out of the rings.
BGWSH: Anyone call for Captain Planet?
Captain Planet flies into Smorg, causing it to stick to him.
Captain Planet: That’s smog for you!
Captain Planet somehow makes Smorg disappear completely.
Captain Planet: The power is yours!
FOOF!
Koops: Uh… Okay.
The train then pulls in to Poshley Heights. The sudden deceleration causes Mario to fall into a wading pool, where a Nibbles bites him.
Mario: OW!
A few hours later, the party arrives at the bank-like building. The sign in front of it reads “Poshley Sanctum”.
Vivian: Hmm… The door is locked.
Goombella pulls the lock off.
Goombella: What lock?
Inside the sanctum, a very fake-looking plastic Crystal Star sits on a warp pipe. Duplighost then bursts in and steals the plastic Crystal Star.
Duplighost: YUKYUKYUKYUKYUKYUK!
Mario: What an idiot.
Doopliss then picks up the warp pipe to reveal the real Crystal Star. However, this activates an alarm.
Speaker: WOOP WOOP WOOP! CRYSTAL STAR DESTRUCTION SYSTEM ACTIVATED!
A large weight falls from the ceiling, smashes the Crystal Star, and leaves Doopliss with a handful of sparkly orange dust.
Doopliss: Wha… wha… wha…
Mario: NO! NO! NOOO!!! NO ONE GOT THE
CRYSTAL STAR!!!
END OF CHAPTER. EXTRANEOUS INFO LOADED.
I cannot follow Peach’s part, it would give it away. Now for Bowser, or more exactly, Wendy…
Wendy is looking around Keelhaul Key.
Wendy: Grrr, where IS that Crystal Star?!
Suddenly, a bunch of needles fly out of the jungle. They barely miss Wendy, and then explode.
Wendy: Wha?!
A net then flies out of the jungle and envelops Wendy.
Voice: Resistance is futile.
Wendy: No… NO… NOT YOU!!!
Larry: What the?
Susan: Ha! My most ingenious quirk ever!
Larry: NO! AUTHOR, HELP ME!!!
Maguskoopa: Sorry, I’m fixing that gobbledegook.
Larry: ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH NOOOO!
Ludwig bursts in through a wall and punches Susan out.
Larry: Thanks, Ludwig. I owe you my life.
Ludwig: You’re welcome. Now, come and test out my new weapon invention that I’m sure will NOT explode because the author likes me a lot…
Larry: O-O