Shadow Paper Mario: Rods of the Crystal Stars

By Shady Parakoopa

Shadow Mario: We shall now tell you what happened last time in a flashback sequence.

Flashback...

Bowser Jr: Let's go to town for no reason at all!

Black: He's going to kill us. You know this, right?

Shopkeeper: SUGAR!!! I mean... Two cases of grenades, three chapters worth of ammo, five full chickens, and a bazooka.

Max: That was fast. Ok, I'll help you. My power of randomness might help you on whatever you're doing.

Dry Bonlossuss: Muhahahahah!

*Bowser JR: Who cares? We got the first wand! Now, to be teleported back to town for some stupid reason!

End Flashback...

*Bowser Jr: Lame.

Chapter 2: The great Stump

*Bowser Jr and crew leave Petalburg and head to the pipe to Rogueport.

Max: Why did we all have to sleep in the same bed and why was it wet?

*Bowser Jr: Probably you.

They pass by a group of Goombas beating up some guy.

Shadow Mario: Poor guy. Weak enough to get his butt handed to him by Goombas.

Max: Sad.

They get in the pipe and head to the Thousand-Year Door.

*Bowser Jr: Let's do this thang!

Shadow Mario: Yeah! Also, never say that again.

*Bowser Jr stands on the pedestal. The wand starts to glow and then conjures a star in midair, which fuses with the door.

Max: One down... six to go.

Shadow Mario: At least there's no time limit.

*Bowser Jr: Well let's go to the west side. There's a pipe that leads to the base.

Shadow Mario: But, what about the truck?

*Bowser Jr: Leave that to me.

They head to the truck that's in the way of the west side. They also find Zess T. in the way.

Zess T: After five tries I finally found the entrance, and I'm not letting you pass!

Max: Is she in the way, Boss?

*Bowser Jr: Not at all. (pulling out a bazooka) Not at all.

Zess T: What the? Is he pointing a tree trunk at me?

He fires it and the truck disintegrates. Somehow Zess T. survives.

Zess T: Great... Now nature is against me. I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED!!!

She dies.

Shadow Mario: Moving on.

They find the pipe in the center of the west side.

*Bowser Jr: Max, stay here. Dad doesn't like Lakitus that much.

Max: Fine! Signal me out!

*Bowser Jr enters the pipe.

Max: *yawn* I guess I'll get a few z's.

He falls asleep.

Koopa: It's just not my day. Those Marios escaped, my home's destroyed, and now my feet hurt.

He sees Max and gets an evil smile on his face...

*Bowser Jr: DAD! I'M HOME!

Bowser: Great... Now I have a migraine.

Shadow Mario: Don't you need a mind for one of those?

Bowser: The voices... THEY'RE EVERYWHERE AND NOWHERE!!!

*Bowser Jr: ...

Shadow Mario: ...

Bowser: Sooo... how'd it go?

*Bowser Jr: Umm... Mario got there first. It's his now.

Bowser: Grrrrrr. Darn you, Mario! Ludwig is in the Boggly Woods. Make sure he's ok.

*Bowser Jr: K.

They enter the warp pipe and exit topside. They find Max off his cloud and laying on the ground.

Max: Zzzz...

Shadow Mario: Wake up, you lousy bum!

Max: Zzz... Wha...? Why am I here? And what happened to my cloud?!

*Bowser Jr: Stupid hoodlums. Hey! There's a conveniently placed used Lakitu cloud store. Let's go.

Max is still laying on the ground, watching *Bowser Jr/Shadow Mario head to the store.

Shadow Mario: Get over here!

Max: I CAN'T! Lakitus are just crippled Koopas and the cloud is just a wheelchair!

Shadow Mario: I'm sorry. I DIDN'T KNOW!

He starts to cry.

*Bowser Jr: Wimp.

Cloud Salesman (CSM): Can I help you?

Max: What's the best cloud you've got?

CSM: This.

He points to a red cloud with sunglasses and a mohawk.

*Bowser Jr: We'll take it!

CSM: 500 coins.

*Bowser Jr looks in his wallet and finds 4 coins and a bottlecap.

*Bowser Jr: Dang. Wait, do you take artifacts?

He pulls out the moon stone.

CSM: This is in poor condition! But I'll trade you this for that.

The cloud salesman points to a brown cloud that's missing an eye and is leaking water.

Max: Well...

CSM: I'll throw in a sack of Spiny eggs.

Max: Deal!

As they leave the CSM heads to his computer.

CSM: Let's start the bidding at 500,000 coins...

Shadow Mario: The pipe to Boggly Woods is next to the Thousand-Year Door.

*Bowser Jr: (in Toad;s voice) OK!

Max: ...

They head underground and to the bars that block the pipe to Boggly Woods to find them now gone. They enter the pipe, and when they exit they notice that all the trees have been cut down and a road that leads to a huge stump has taken its place.

*Bowser Jr: This must be the work of the anti-environmentalist, Ludwig.

Shadow Mario: Well it's my turn. Kill kill kill! Smash smash smash!

*Bowser Jr: Let's try my non-violent approach.

Max: I concur.

Shadow Mario: ... Fine. Stupid inefficient voting system!

They approach the stump and see a statue of Ludwig without a head and a bunch of Punies dancing in front of an unconscious Ludwig.

Max: What happened?

Punie: We conquered the ruthless dictator Ludwig! And all it cost us was the top side of our tree and the entire woods!

*Bowser Jr: Did he have a wand on him?

Punie: No, I think that was at the bottom of the tree.

Shadow Mario: Great.

Punie: You two wouldn't be friends of his, would you?

Max: Us? No.

{Flurrie floats by the group.}

*Bowser Jr: A Mario partner! Must KILL!!!

*Bowser Jr. pulls out his mini Bullet Bill Blaster and rapidly shoots her until there's nothing left of her.

Punie: SHE WAS MY WORLD!!!

Shadow Mario:  Uh oh.

Punie: My army, assemble!

A nearly infinite number of Punies march up.

*Bowser Jr: Umm... ATTACK!

Max: What did I tell you last chapter?

*Bowser Jr: *sigh* Please?

Max: K. Fire Spiny egg!

He throws a red Spiny egg which combusts and burns a great number of the Punies. *Bowser Jr shoots down the center of the army line and kills ten Punies.

Max: Water Spiny egg!

Shadow Mario: Do you have to shout that?

Max: No, I just wanted to show off my elemental eggs.

*Bowser: Fine, but... oh @##@%!!!

The Punies rush him into the wall but he hits something. He turns around and sees nothing.

???: OW! That hurt!

*Bowser Jr: Who said that?

Something paper thin in front of *Bowser Jr. rotates so he can see *Bowser Jr.

*Bowser Jr: Ahhh! Are you the Matrix?!

???: No, I'm a Yux.

Shadow Mario: I thought all the X-Naut troops were gone.

Yux: They're not gone. They just left the planet and left me here because I'm different. I'm shaped as a Y, not a X, and I can't do the circle attack thing.

Max: Explain later! Kill now!

Yux: Ok.

The Yux opens his mouth and breathes fire on the Punies, killing them all.

Max: Cool.

Punie: There's still the troops in the stump! You will never kill them all!

He dies.

*Bowser Jr: Thanks for the help.

Shadow Mario: Yeah.

Yux: No problem, ghost freak.

Max: Wait, you can see him?

Yux: Yup.

*Bowser Jr: Then you must be a partner! Join us, and together we can help Shadow get a divorce!

Yux: Well...

Shadow Mario: Free dental service.

Yux: I have no teeth.

Shadow Mario: You could have three.

Yux: I'm in!

Yux: A Primer

In battle he can breath fire out of his mouth! Real original. He can also form a shield that can protect himself.

Out of battle he can form shields to protect a party member and himself.

Max: Lame.

*Bowser Jr: Shut up, random boy!

They enter the stump and find out that it's full of machine parts and gizmos.

*Bowser Jr: I hope Ludwig stole this stuff. If he made it we will all be dead.

As they journey deeper into the stump they tell Yux all that has happened to them so far. They then find a hidden shop with a bunch of gnomes talking to each other

Kiebler Elf: Ok, we attack the Rice Crispy guys at midnight, as long as the Pillsbury Doughboy delivers the goods.

Yux: Moving on.

They find a huge room full of Punies.

Punies: ATTACK!!!

Shadow Mario: I'll handle this.

*Shadow Mario takes control and draws an M on the ground. Wind spirits zoom out of the M.}

*Shadow Mario: Attack, my stupids!

Wind Spirit: What will you give us?

*Shadow Mario: I'll give you this wind chime.

Wind Spirit: Ok!

They huff, and puff, and they blow the Punies into the wall.

*Shadow Mario: Let's continue.

They head underground to a mini pool full of water.

*Shadow Mario: WATER!!! IT BURNS!!!

Yux: Yux to the rescue!

He creates a shield around *Shadow Mario and hovers across the water. They then enter a room with laser beams racing back and forth against the wall.

Bowser Jr: We are going to have to dodge the beams to get to the other side!

*Shadow Mario: Let's go!

Max: But what if we just...

*Shadow Mario jumps across and does the matrix to avoid the beams. After a while he makes it to the other side.

*Shadow Mario: Come on, Yux!

Since he is thinner than *Shadow Mario, he does it quicker and easier.

Yux: Yeah!

The beams turn off. They turn to see Max with his finger on a button marked off.

Bowser Jr: Well... let's continue.

Max: Moron.

They finally make it to a huge room with a scale in the middle, a mini pool of water in the background, and a sign that says: "If important put the Punies' star-shaped rock into the black box and add a hundred pounds on the scale."

*Shadow Mario: Nuts. We don't have the rock!

Bowser Jr: I'm lazy! I can't walk all that way back! Max, use the Randomizer!

Max: What do we say?

*Shadow Mario: Do it or we kill you.

Max: Good enough for me... but it hasn't been a full chapter since I last used it. We're going to have to wait.

Bowser Jr: Fine.

An hour later...

Max: Not yet.

Another hour later...

Max: Not yet.

Three hours later, *Shadow Mario is chocking Max.

Max: Yak! Pain... Not... ye...

Yux: Don't kill him! Well... now.

*Shadow Mario: ...

Max: *cough* That... stunk. Ok, I'm ready... RANDOMIZE!

He glows, then stops.

Max: The good news is...

The ceiling starts to rumble and then the part above the scale breaks and the huge fat Shy Guy Gourmet Guy lands on the scale. Bing! Four tons.

Gourmet Guy: Hey! I'm sensitive about my weight! While on the subject... Where am I and what happened to my pie?

Gourmet Guy smashes the scale. The pool in the back explodes and the wand shoots out, landing on Gourmet Guy.

*Shadow Mario: Yahoo!

Max: The bad news...

Bowser Jr: Hey, what happened to the box of grenades?

???: Looking for this?

They turn around to see the rest of the Punie army. Each one has a grenade strapped to their chests.

*Shadow Mario: SUICIDE BOMBERS!!!

Yux: Quickly, into my shield!

Yux forms a shield around himself and Max.

Max: There's enough room in this shield. Get in, *Shadow Mario!

*Shadow Mario: Those take more lives than they save.

Punie: NOW!

Booooooom!!!

The Stump explodes, sending the group into an open field.

Yux: Everyone ok?

Max: Yup.

Bowser: Fine.

*Shadow Mario: Pain... So much pain... but I think I have a few points of HP left.

Gourmet Guy lands on him.

*Shadow Mario: Now I'm not ok.

He passes out. *Bowser Jr. takes control.

*Bowser Jr: He sure is a lot of help.

Gourmet Guy: Are you the guys that took me away from my pie?

Yux: Technically, yes.

Gourmet Guy: Then you must die!!!

Max: Nobody likes us.

*Bowser Jr: We've got to fight him. He has the wand.

Max: K. Let's see... Where is he in the Tattle Book? Here he is. Gourmet Huy: HP: 60, Attack: 5, Defense: ...

*Bowser Jr: (crossing his fingers) Please be under 1, please be under 1...

Max: ... 11.

Yux: Nuts, my flamethrower does 7.

*Bowser Jr: My Bullet Bills do 5.

Max: I only have one egg left.

Yux: Throw it!

Max: But it's heart.

Yux: Do it!

Max throws the egg at Gourmet Guy, making thousands of hearts on contact.

Gourmet Guy: I love you!

*Bowser Jr: ...

Gourmet Guy: Die!!!

*Bowser Jr: That didn't last long. Does he have a weakness?

Max: It just says he has a gas problem.

*Bowser Jr: Ew.

Yux: That's it!

He floats behind Gourmet Guy and blows fire up his back. Fire spews out Gourmet Guy's mouth. Then he explodes.

*Bowser Jr: Weird, but it worked. We got the second wand!

Max: Now to be teleported to the entrance of the stump and get our butts whooped by anyone that survived the blast.

Yux: Nuts.

End of Chapter!

Luigi's Side 2

After working his way out of the fierce battle between him and a bunch of Goombas, Luigi makes his way to Petalburg.

Luigi: Where is everyone? I thought this place was full of people? Wait, there's one guy laying there on the ground.

He heads to the unconscious body of Larry. When he sees it's Larry, Luigi gives him a little kick.

Luigi: I have conquered Larry! But he doesn't have a wand on him.

Inn Toad: A wand? The guy at the inn last night had a wand. He also made a huge mess of our only sheet.

Luigi: There goes my idea of taking a rest.

Inn Toad: Nonsense! You saved the town, right?

Luigi: Umm... Yeah.

Inn Toad: Then to show our thanks you can use the deceased mayor's bed.

Luigi: *gulp*

Inn Toad: He didn't die in it. We would also like to thank you with this generous 1,000,000 coins and a Lakitu bus ticket to the Boggly Woods.

Luigi: In RPG style, this would be a hint. I guess the next wand is in the Boggly Woods.

Inn Toad: You're one of those crazies, right?

Luigi: Maybe.

Inn Toad: Then you get a discount.

Luigi: All right! I mean... the voices... THEY'RE EVERYWHERE AND NOWHERE!

Inn Toad: ...

Luigi: ...

Unconscious Larry: ...

Anyone reading this: ...

Buddy: ...

Luigi: You're not supposed to be here!

Inn Toad: Who are you talking to?

Luigi: You can't see him? But he's right there!

Inn Toad: Get on the bus, crazy.

Luigi: I need a vacation.

Read on!


 
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