Chapter 3: Race To Victory (And a Bronze Shard to Boot)!
In the last chapter of Paper Luigi...
...
Luigi wets himself.
...
Crepe: ... Weirdos.
...
Blooey: Big.
...
Mario: WHO'S THE DOCTOR, HUH?
...
Koops: Noo-oo!
...
Flurrie: Gimme a kiss, baby!
...
Triclyde 3: My Grand Sssslam wasss
ssssupossssed to come with ssssaussssage!
...
Popple: Where exactly do you think
you're going, Green?
...
Barry: Oh, come on. I just had that
floor redone!
...
Mario: I love you!
...
Jerry: Yo.
...
Beldam: Oh, butterpumpkins.
...
And now, for this chapter!
***
Luigi, Blooey, and Jerry are in Plumpbelly Village, being rewarded.
Barry: As thanks to you, Luigi, we present you with this Medallion of Courage!
Luigi got the Courage Medallion! Luigi learns the move Spin Hammer!
Barry: And, for you, my daughter, I award you the Medallion of Truth!
Jerry got the Truth Medallion! Jerry learns the move Missile!
Barry: And finally, you... fish... thing, we award you the Medallion of Something!
Blooey got the Something Medallion!
Blooey: Hey!
Do. NOT. Interrupt. Anyway, Blooey got the Something Medallion! Blooey learns the move Ink Gun!
Luigi: All right!
Jerry: Sweetness!
Blooey: The SOMETHING Medallion? Jeez!
Barry: Now, you must be going.
Luigi: But... why?
Barry: I understand that you need to reconstruct the Marvelous Compass, so I insist you leave us. As for you, Jerry...
Jerry: Ulp...
Barry: ...you may join Luigi on his quest.
Jerry: Really?
Barry: Yes.
Jerry: Really truly?
Barry: Yes!
Jerry: Really truly really?
Luigi: WE GET THE POINT! Now come on, we have a lot of work to do!
Jerry: Oh, okay.
As they leave for the Bumpty Bridge, Jerry looks back at her village. She sees everybody in the village wavong their... fuses goodbye, and she starts to cry.
Luigi: What's wrong?
Jerry: I'm just... nothing.
Luigi: Oh, DAD. Quit crying and let's go!
Jerry: WAAAH!
Blooey: Oh, way to ruin the moment, stupid!
Meanwhile, at the Glitz Pit...
Grubba: So, Rawk Hawk, how y'all feel 'bout yer win today?
Rawk Hawk: I FEEL RAWK-TACULAR! DON'T MESS WITH ME! MESS WITH ME AND YER GONNA GET THE TAIL END OF MY FIST! RAAAAAAWK!
Grubba: Um... D'ya have ta yell all the time?
Rawk Hawk: YES!
On the Bumpty Bridge...
Luigi: Agh. My feet are killing me! How long have we been walking?
Blooey: About five minutes tops.
Luigi: Can we stop?
Blooey: NO! We only started a while ago!
Jerry: Hey, guys! Do you see what I see?
Luigi and company stare at what Jerry is looking at. It is a giant puddle of goop.
???: How do you like my handiwork?
Luigi: I know that voice...
Petey Pranha rises from the goop. He laughs maniacally.
Petey: Yep! It's me! Herr herr harr!
Popple: Like my new rookie? I looked all over for him!
Luigi: Popple!
Blooey: Not you again!
Jerry: Who is this freak?
Luigi: I'll tell you later.
Popple: Well, ya gonna stand there all day or are we gonna fight?
Luigi: Lets!
BATTLE COMMENCE!
Luigi: 20/20
Attack: Spin Hammer
Petey Piranha takes 6 damage!
Jerry: 15/15
Attack: Missile!
Petey Piranha takes 6 damage!
Petey Piranha: 28/40
Attack: Goop
Jerry and Luigi take 2 damage!
Luigi: 18/20
Attack: Spin Hammer
Petey Piranha takes 6 damage!
Jerry: 13/15
Attack: Missile
Petey Piranha takes 6 damage!
Petey Piranha: 4/40
Tactic: Retreat
Petey Piranha runs away?
END BATTLE?
Petey: Aah! They're too strong, sir!
Popple: Well, then, let me take care of them!
COMMENCE BOSS BATTLE!
Luigi: 18/20
Attack: Spin Hammer
Popple takes 4 damage!
Jerry: 13/15
Tactic: Switch Partner
Jerry switches with Blooey!
Popple: 46/50
Attack: Swipe
Popple steals Mushroom!
Luigi: 18/20
Item: Mushroom
Luigi regains 5 HP!
Blooey: 10/10
Attack: Tattle
Blooey: That's Popple... in case you
haven't noticed. He's finally fighting you, huh? Well, enough about that!
Popple's weakness seems to be his attack. It's dismal! Then again, he pretty
much makes up for it with his 2-point defense. Just... finish him off so
we won't have to see him again!
Popple: 46/50
Attack: Sucker Punch
Luigi takes 1 damage!
Luigi: 19/20
Attack: Spin Hammer
Popple takes 4 damage!
Blooey: 10/10
Attack: Ink Gun
Popple takes 4 damage! Popple is poisoned!
Popple: 38/50
Attack: Swipe
Popple fails to swipe anything.
Popple takes 1 damage from poisoning!
Luigi: 19/20
Attack: Spin Hammer
Popple takes 4 damage!
Blooey: 10/10
Tactic: Switch Partner
Blooey switches with Jerry!
Popple: 33/50
Attack: Sucker Punch
Jerry takes 1 damage!
Popple takes 1 damage from poisoning!
Luigi: 19/20
Attack: Spin Hammer
Popple takes 4 damage!
Jerry: 13/15
Attack: Missile
Popple takes 4 damage!
Popple: 24/50
Attack: Swipe
Popple fails to swipe anything.
Popple takes 1 damage from poisoning!
The poison recedes!
Luigi: 19/20
Attack: Spin Hammer
Popple takes 10 damage! CRITICAL!
Jerry: 13/15
Attack: Missile
Popple takes 4 damage!
Popple: 8/50
Popple: Argh! I'm... not... done with
you!
Attack: Super Popple Punch
Luigi takes 0 damage!
Popple: Oh shoot.
Luigi: 19/20
Attack: Spin Hammer
Popple takes 4 damage!
Jerry: 13/15
Attack: Missile
Popple takes 4 damage! Popple is defeated!
END BOSS BATTLE!
Popple: Argh! I thought I was ready to take you on!
Luigi: Not likely, Popple!
Popple: Grrr... You may have this Shard of the Compass, but I swear on my honor-
Blooey: Which is apparently not present.
Popple: -that I will get the Bronze Shard! C'mon, rookie!
Petey: Sorry, boss. Do I still get the cheese wheel?
Popple: NO!
Popple and Petey leave for the Waffle Kingdom.
Jerry: ... That was our boss battle? That was a cinch!
Luigi: You said it. Now, let's get going to the next place!
Meanwhile, in the Minor League locker room...
King K: Yo, G-dog, you be trippin' all over this joint, a'ight?
Bandy Andy: What that guy said.
Mario: ... AHH! Too much slang!
King K: Yo, what's the dealio, G?
Back in the Waffle Kingdom...
Crepe: Excellent, Luigi! You have recovered the Silver Shard!
Luigi: I, um, had a little help from Jerry.
Jerry: I saved his butt, you know!
Crepe: Indeed. Now, where is the next Shard?
Luigi takes out the Compass and shows the map. A star is hovering over a lone island to the West.
Crepe: Circuit Break Island, eh? How smashing!
Luigi: What's Circuit Break Island?
Crepe: Circuit Break Island is an island where they have kart races every waking day! I tell you, it gets quite frantic there, as the town is populated by Buzzy Beetles!
Jerry: EW! Bugs are gross!
Crepe: Indeed. It seems the Shard is embedded in the champion's trophy, and you must win the trophy!
Luigi: No sweat! I've raced karts plenty before!
Crepe: You must not understand. They race at speeds that will make you wet your pants!
Luigi: Such as?
Crepe: Nearing the speed of sound.
Luigi... do I have to explain it?
Crepe: ... Utterly horrifying!
Luigi: Bladder control issues. You'll get used to it.
Crepe: Anyway, you'll need to get to Circuit Break Island by sea. Don't fret, I'll have my most trusted captain sail you there. Now, then, follow me.
Luigi, Blooey, and Jerry follow Crepe to the docks. There, a Koopa with a white shell is on a boat.
Crepe: Boys, meet-
Jerry: Ahem!
Crepe: I'm sorry. Boys and girl, meet Captain Kooplet!
Kooplet: Ahoy, me hearties! I'll be takin' ya to Circuit Break Island!
Luigi: Couldn't I just take Mobee there?
Mobee: Nope. Too lazy.
Luigi: You good-for-nothing fish!
Kooplet: Hey! Get on the boat or ye'll be left behind!
Luigi notices the boat is leaving. He quickly clambers onto the side as it leaves the dock and climbs onto the deck.
Luigi: Oh, thank you very much, Captain!
Kooplet: Shut yer cake hole...
At the Glitz Pit....
Bathroom: OCCUPIED!
Mario: You've been occupied for the last hour! LET ME IN!
Meanwhile with Luigi...
Blue Virus: We're sorry, but since the whole sailing part is too boring, we'll be showing some commercials. We apologize, but hey! It's better than wasting ten lines of dialogue on a sea shanty, eh?
***
Hammer Brother: Man, am I thirsty! I wish I could KILL THE THIRST WHERE IT STANDS!
Suddenly, a Shy Guy dressed as the Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall.
Shy Guy: Oh, yeah!
Hammer Brother: MY WALL! Do you know how much that cost, you insensitive jerk?
Shy Guy: Oh, yeah!
Hammer Brother: ARRGH!
Buy Koop-Aid. Buy it, infidel!
***
King of All Cosmos: We Love Katamari!
Blue Virus: Yes we do.
***
Buy the Gameboy Micro! It's even tinier!
Koopa: I have to strain my eyes just to see the screen!
Play all your favorite games!
Goomba: The cartridges won't even fit!
Carry it in your pocket!
Morton: Well, the last time I had my Gameboy Micro in my pocket I forgot to take it out of my pocket and when Queen Mom cleaned my shell it broke! WAAAH!
Gameboy Micro! Buy it now, so Mr. Miyamoto can eat tonight!
***
Luigi: Well, we're finally at Circuit Break Island!
Sounds of karts racing and redneck Buzzy Beetle cheering can be heard from within a giant pipe in the middle of the island.
Jerry: And that must be the Circuit Break Circuit!
Luigi: How do you know?
Jerry: I got the travel brochure.
Luigi: Ahh! So many unexplained things!
Jerry: Shut up and let's go!
Blooey: Yes! Let's!
Luigi: How may times have I heard that?
Meanwhile, in the Glitz Pit... again...
Mario and Gonzales Jr. are in the air ducts above Grubba's office. They hear strange sounds.
Mario: What's that noise?
Mario puts his ear to the ground. He can hear gunfire.
Mario: Oh my DAD! They're shooting Grubba!
Mario bursts into the room and sees Grubba playing GTA.
Grubba: ...
Mario: ...
Gonzales Jr: ...
Back on Circuit Break Island...
Announcer Beetle: It's a beautiful day here at the Circuit Break Circuit, where our racers will be... uh, racing for the Circuit Cup! Now, introducing our racers! In the #1 car is Bazzy Beetle! In the #2 car is Bozzy Beetle! In the #3 car is Bizzy Beetle! And, in the #4 car, is Luigi!
Luigi waves and get pelted with chopsticks.
Luigi: Hey!
Announcer: Are you ready? Then...
All the racers rev up their engines.
Announcer: GOOOOO!
Luigi is left in the dust by the other cars. He is sent back by the force and crashes into a wall. His car explodes and he is thrown out of his kart. The kart is a wreck, fiery and twisted, and Luigi has been singed.
Luigi: X~X
Announcer: Ooh! #4 has been destroyed! Somebody get an ambulance!
Two Shy Guys with a stretcher come out onto the track.
Shy Guys: Hup hup hup hup!
They carry Luigi off to an ambulance.
***
And now, a tap-dancing Goomba!
*tap-a tap-a tap-a tap-a tap-a tap-a tap-a tap-a tap-a tap-a tap-a tap-a tap-a tap*
A tap-dancing Goomba, everyone!
***
Luigi wakes up in a hospital.
Luigi: Where am I?
Doctor: You crashed your kart in a race.
Luigi: Oh, no. There go my chances of winning.
Doctor: Well, we have good news. We only had to remove one lung.
Luigi: AAAAH!
Doctor: The bad news is that your kart is unrepairable.
Luigi: I HAVE ONE LUNG! Who cares if my kart is wrecked?
Doctor: Well, if you want to win so badly, then I can hook you up with a guy named Torque. He has the fastest kart here!
Luigi: I. Don't. CARE! My lung is gone!
Doctor: So? It was the one that was black!
Luigi: WHAT?
Doctor: You seem to have inhaled a lot of smoke.
Luigi: And what about the other one?
Doctor: Oh, that one? That was a lung? I thought it was an appendix!
Luigi dies from lack of air. He reappears.
Doctor: How did you do that?
Luigi: 1-Up Mushroom. It does wonders for the dead!
Doctor: Then... I didn't need to remove your lung?
Luigi: Oh, it's fine! It grew back!
The doctor dies of confusion.
Luigi: ... Well, I'd better go see this Torque guy!
***
Luigi walks up to a large garage. Inside is a Spike Top, only the spike is a wrench.
Luigi: Um, hello? Have you seen a guy named Torque?
Wrench Top: That's me!
Luigi: Oh! So, I heard from someone that you have a kart you could lend me!
Torque: Oh, really? This old thing?
Torque points to a classic Mario Kart...
Luigi: That's it?
...with several JATO rockets strapped to the back of it.
Luigi: I WANT IT!
Torque: Pay up.
Luigi: How much you asking?
Torque: If you win, then I get the trophy. Got it?
Luigi: Why do you get the trophy?
Torque: It's my kart, so it's my trophy!
Luigi: Oh, I guess.
***
Announcer: Welcome to the Circuit Break Circuit! Today we have #1 Bazzy Beetle, #2 Bozzy Beetle, #3 Bizzy Beetle, and, after a stunning recovery, #4 Luigi Mario!
Luigi gets pelted with soup bowls.
Luigi: ARGH!
Announcers: Racers ready?
Bazzy: Yep!
Bizzy: Uh-huh!
Bozzy: Yeah!
Luigi: Well, not really, but-
Announcer: GO!
So, the karts speed off. Luigi is in the lead, when he's suddenly pelted by the Millenium Star.
Millenium Star: Ha ha ha! You're a loser!
Luigi regains his speed and throws a red shell at Bozzy. Bozzy is knocked off the track and into a pipe. He is eaten by a Piranhicus Giganticus and spit out into the audience. Meanwhile, Bazzy is storing Banana Peels. He lets them all out on the track and Bizzy spins out. Luigi, fortunately, manages to hop over the peels and get back in first. Bazzy rams Luigi into the wall and zooms into first, but Luigi has a surprise in store. He takes out a Spiny Shell and tosses it at Bazzy, knocking him out of the track. Luigi passes the finish line and wins!
Announcer: And the winner is... Luigi!
Everybody cheers for him, and instead of chopsticks or soup bowls, he is whacked by a boomerang. Luigi decides to pick it up and use it as his new weapon! Then, Torque scuttles up to Luigi.
Torque: Great job, Luigi!
Luigi: Thanks, Torque!
Announcer: And now, we present Luigi with the Circuit Cup!
Luigi grabs the cup and takes the Bronze Shard off of it. He gives Torque the trophy. They both hold up their prizes.
Both: I got it!
***
Torque and Luigi are walking out of the stadium.
Torque: Y'know, I'm so thankful for you winning that trophy for me, that I've decided to help you on your quest!
Luigi: ... Now THAT was out of the blue!
Torque: No, I insist! I have many battling capabilities!
Luigi: Such as...?
Torque: ... I throw wrenches real real good!
Luigi: You're hired!
So, as Chapter 3 comes to an end, so does Luigi's stay at Circuit Break Island. With the Bronze Shard and a new partner in tow, nothing can go wrong now! But what of Mario? We haven't heard from him in a while! And Princess Eclair! She's still under the watchful eye of the Chestnut King! If you value your sanity, you WILL read the next chapter!