Chapter Three: Being Eaten is Fun!
They appear in a castle room. After getting their bearings (after all, time travel is rather disorienting) they decide to check up on E. Gadd. They walk up to him. He is still apparently working diligently in the throne room, all hunched up by his computers without moving.
Luigi: Uh… E. Gadd?
E. Gadd suddenly jumps up and starts rapidly pressing buttons.
E. Gadd: I wasn’t asleep!
Luigi: Didn’t say you were-
E. Gadd: How’s the hunt for the Shards coming?
Luigi: Awful, Baby Bowser stole the two we collected-
E. Gadd: Good, good!
Luigi: You’re not listening to me, are you?
E. Gadd: I completely agree with whatever you’re saying!
Luigi: Right… We’ll just go find some other random Time Hole and jump in-
E. Gadd: Oh! There seems to be some sort of trouble at the front of the castle! You must go there and check it out!
Luigi: Okay…
The Mario Bros. head for the castle courtyard. For some reason the front door to the castle is still locked, thereby preventing anyone from entering or leaving. In the courtyard Toadsworth and Youthful Toadsworth are chatting amiably while Baby Peach attempts to poke her fingers.
Luigi: Is something wrong?
Youthful Toadsworth: Well, the princess won’t stop crying and we need your help!
Luigi looks at the occupied princess.
Luigi: She looks fine to me.
Toadsworth kicks the side of the cradle. She starts screaming.
Toadsworth: Obviously you’re wrong.
Luigi: Jeez! You’re crazy!
Youthful Toadsworth: Of course. I do seem to enjoy my older self; he has such a way of imparting useless knowledge merely so he feels useful.
Luigi: What?
Toadsworth: What my younger self was TRYING to say is that I want to teach you a move guaranteed to either make a baby laugh, or frighten it into submission.
Luigi: Huh?
Youthful Toadsworth: We’re going to teach you a useless move so that we feel useful!
Luigi: Oh. Teach away, as Mario will probably tackle me if I don’t choose to learn it.
Mario nods excitedly.
Toadsworth: Great! Now the move is, Luigi gets on top of Mario, then Mario holds onto him and spins around real fast. If used correctly you should hover!
Luigi: And if not correctly?
Youthful Toadsworth: This happens.
Youthful Toadsworth gets on Toadsworth. They start to spin but soon the old man loses his grip and Youthful Toadsworth goes flying into a wall. Toadsworth sudden gets very tired as he is old and actual physical effort is bad for old people. Bored, Baby Peach falls asleep. The Toadsworths quickly lose consciousness.
Luigi: Right… Let’s just wander around aimlessly until we find a Time Hole.
They wander around aimlessly until they find a Time Hole on the second floor of the castle in the library. Seeing nothing else to do, they jump in. The group is transported to a village by a jungle-like area. The village appears to be abandoned, with many of the huts damaged.
Luigi: I think something bad might have happened- OW!
He was interrupted by Baby Luigi discovering the yumminess of ears.
Baby Luigi: Hehe!
Luigi: I hate myself.
They continue wandering and eventually decide to enter one of the larger huts. Inside they are confronted by a female Koopa wearing some kind of green headgear.
Kylie: I’m a news reporter person!
Luigi: Uh… Great…
Kylie: I have a New York accent!
Luigi: No you don’t…
Kylie: DO TOO!
Luigi: Whatever. What are you doing here?
Kylie: I think there’s an awesome story here… The Yoshis are all gone!
Luigi: Wait… This is a Yoshi Village?
Kylie: Yeah…
Luigi: What is this? Their fifth village?!
Kylie: Eh. I’m a rad reporter!
Luigi: Great…
Kylie: I think the Yoshis are living in the ceiling…
Luigi: Really? Why?
Kylie: 'Cause I’m the best journalist ever! YEAH!
Kylie spins around, then jabs her thumb at her face, poking herself in the eye.
Kylie: OW!
Luigi: Uh… What newspaper do you work for again?
Kylie: Newspaper? What’s a newspaper?
Luigi: Okay… Maybe we should just leave…
Luigi and Mario start edging out the door when they hear muffled mumbling coming from above the ceiling. They listen for a bit, and then they start hearing some loud thumping coming from the ceiling. Suddenly the ceiling cracks and a large quantity of Yoshis fall through.
Green Yoshi: ACK! Why were you ground pounding?!
Blue Yoshi: It itched.
Yellow Yoshi: Well, because of your stupid itch we can’t hide anymore! Yoob is going to eat us!
Luigi: Yoob?
Pink Yoshi: AHHH! A human!
Luigi: What?
Kylie: What a story!
A loud thundering noise is heard.
Green Yoshi: ACK! It’s Yoob! Run!
They all run outside.
Luigi: Wait… If they’re trying to run away from something outside… why are they running outside?
Kylie: Sounds like a story to me! YAY!
Kylie runs out. Luigi shrugs, and then decides to go out himself. Mario of course follows, with their baby selves on their backs. Outside they see the Yoshis running around like idiots while Kylie takes pictures. A humongous, fat, pink, Yoshi-like creature with a green belly and red eyes is waddling around catching Yoshis with its extendable Yoshi tongue and eating them.
Luigi: Uh… Kylie… what IS that?!
Kylie: I think it’s Yoob!
Luigi: Okay… and what exactly is a Yoob?
Kylie: That!
Luigi: What?! That doesn’t answer my ques-
Kylie jumps down and starts taking close-up pictures of the Yoob, in between inhaling Yoshis it poses in bizarre model-like poses. The Mario Bros. are in shock, and after Yoob finishes with the Yoshis it waddles away rather quickly. Kylie proudly holds up her camera.
Kylie: This is great stuff! I can’t wait to open it and see all the awesome pictures!
She pries off the cover and tears out the film. Several chunks are shredded. She smiles as she looks at the destroyed film.
Kylie: YAY! I don’t know what to do now!
Kylie goes into her shell and starts ramming walls. The Mario Bros. back away, and head up to where the Yoob went, because they figure it might be relevant to their quest. They enter the last hut before the jungle. Inside is Kamek, and a lot of crushed Yoshi Cookies.
Luigi: YOU!
Kamek: Uh… hi? I need to get food for Prince Bowser, as he’s hungry.
Luigi: Wait… Baby Bowser is here?! He’s the one that ate our Shards!
Kamek: Oh… Is that what he ate? He said he wasn’t feeling too great. He said it felt like being poked on the inside.
Luigi: That’s because the Shards are pointy!
Kamek: Oh. Well I’ll take some of these cookies and get going! Bye!
Kamek snatches a few of the cookies, and then flies away. The Bros. follow him into the jungle. After a bit he spots them following him.
Kamek: Ugh! Why are you following me?!
Luigi: We need those Shards from Baby Bowser!
Kamek: And how do you plan to get them? Jumping? They're in his stomach!
Luigi: Uh… Good question.
Mario: Whee!
Luigi: Well, I’m sure Mario has something planned!
Kamek: I bet! Well you’re not getting to the cliff! Attack, various creatures living around here!
Kamek flies away. A Pidgit, a small, flightless bird on a flying carpet; a Coconutter, which is a bizarre creature that appears to be made out of coconuts with a palm tree on its headl and a Gnarantula, which is an insect covered in cloud matter somehow, all appear and make threatening motions at the Mario Bros.
Luigi: What are these things?!
The Coconutter raises its spear and does some kind of wierd tribal dance. Rain suddenly starts to fall. The Pidgit gets startled and falls off its carpet. The carpet falls on the Coconutter, covering its empty sockets… which somehow causes it to be unable to see even though the abomination has no eyes anyway. The Pidgit decides to ride the Gnarantula to battle and jumps on its supposedly fluffy cloud self. The cloud stuff disappears as soon as contact is made, revealing spikes. The Pidgit is stuck to the spikes. The Coconutter then runs into its two “allies” and begins stabbing them, since it doesn’t realize what they are. The Mario Bros. continue.
Luigi: I gotta tell you, Mario, the enemies these days are getting easier and easier.
Mario: Okeydokey!
Baby Mario smiles at Luigi. Luigi smiles back, grateful for someone who isn’t trying to cause him physical harm or spouting insane gibberish. They soon encounter Kamek again.
Kamek: Ack! You guys AGAIN! My enemies didn’t take you out?!
Luigi: No… They did take themselves out, though…
Kamek: Hmmph… Well have some FIRE!
Kamek shoots a piece of fire out of the front of his wand. However, his aim is poor and the fire hits the end of his broom. Everyone stares at it for a moment and then the entire broom goes up in flames.
Kamek: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BAD IDEA!
He flies away quickly before his broom disintegrates. It turns to ash at the top of the jungle by the cliff, and the Mario Bros. quickly follow. At the top they see Kamek, giving a grouchy Baby Bowser some of the Yoshi Cookies he pilfered.
Baby Bowser: I HATE these thingsm Kamek! I don’t know WHY you brought them here.
Baby Bowser then starts chomping away on the cookies while occasionally muttering “Mmm… yummy!”
Kamek: I’m sorry. I’ll buy you more presents once we get back to your castle.
The Multiple Mario Bros. suddenly arrive!
Kamek: ACK! You! Now I have to cause unpleasantly large amounts of pain to you so you go away!
Baby Bowser: Yeah! Take them out! I’m going to wander off to the side and not watch because I know you’re going to win!
He does so. Kamek takes out his wand and summons a large spiked ball. It falls and misses the Bros. completely.
Kamek: Hmm… My aim still needs work… But let’s see you survive THIS! SUICIDAL FLAMING CHARGE!
Kamek shoots a fireball at himself. He catches on fire and charges at Luigi incredibly fast.
Luigi: ACK! What kind of twisted attack is THAT? OW!
Kamek tackles Luigi to the ground and proceeds to burn like crazy on him.
Kamek: This is exceedingly painful!
Luigi: THEN GET OFF! OW!
Baby Luigi: Ouch!
Baby Luigi crawls out from under the flaming guys and proceeds to pummel them both with his hammer.
Kamek: OW!
Luigi: OW! Stupid me!
Luigi manages to push Kamek away from him.
Kamek: Ohhh… That last attack took a lot out of me…
He passes out.
Luigi: Well… DUH! You set yourself on fire!
Baby Luigi hops back up on Luigi’s back.
Luigi: I still don’t like you.
Baby Luigi: Keydoke!
Luigi: I have no clue what that means.
They go a bit until they confront Baby Bowser.
Baby Bowser: Crud! You beat up Kamek! Now I shall RUN IN CIRCLES! AAAAAHHHHHH!
He runs in circles. Yoob starts crawling up the side of the cliff. A Shroob saucer blasts it with some kind of blasty ray and he grows like three times his original size (which was pretty big to begin with) and quickly reaches the top.
Luigi: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Yoob!
Baby Bowser stops.
Baby Bowser: What about me?
Yoob sticks out his tongue and eats Baby Bowser.
Luigi: Dang it! Now we need to get eaten too… Well the Shards aren’t worth that so- AHHH! No, Mario! NO!
Mario grabs Luigi and jumps in Yoob’s mouth. They are taken through a long… and mechanical throat, and end up in the creature’s “belly”.
Luigi: You know… Looking at this thing… I don’t think it’s organic. It might be some kind of machine… And where are all the Yoshis? And Baby Bowser?
Mario: It’s-a me-a, Mario!
Luigi: I don’t know why I even bother trying to have a conversation with you. Let’s wander around until we find the Yoshis.
They wander a bit. Soon, a bull-like creature waddles over to them.
Bully: I am a Bully! Don’t hit me! You have been warned…
Luigi: Okay. We won’t.
They continue on. The Bully looks at them and then runs up in front of them again.
Bully: I mean it! If you hit me I get ANGRY! So don’t!
Luigi: I WON’T! Now go away!
Bully: Please? Hit me… I want to bully someone…
Mario: Okeydokey.
Mario punts the thing into what looks like a pool of acid.
Bully: Thank… you... Ack. Death.
Luigi: Freaking weirdo.
They continue. They don’t get far however before they are confronted by another vicious enemy… This time it’s a Dry Bones!
Dry Bones: Please… water… I must have water… So dry…
Okay… Maybe not so vicious.
Luigi: Wow… uh… you’re pathetic.
Dry Bones: I know. Water?
Mario: OH NOOOOO!
Dry Bones: Jerk…
The Dry Bones crumbles into dust. The Mario Bros. see a large stone boulder… thing… in the shape of a Chomp by a hole. They attempt to push it… but it is too heavy. Figuring that all will be solved eventually they keep going. Soon they come to a large bunch of Yoshis cowering in front of… a blue Shroob with a robot thing?
Blue Yoshi: AHHHH! He’ll antennae us to death!
RC Shroober: &*&*^@ %$@^$)@$(( @A$*)*) &) (^*) _ ((_*)*!
Luigi: What the? What is this?
Green Yoshi: I don’t know… but it’s scary!
Mario walks over to it and kicks the robot into the Shroober. The Shroober starts crying and runs away.
Pink Yoshi: Uh… Thanks for saving us.
Luigi: Wow… You needed saving from THAT?
Blue Yoshi: Shut up.
Green Yoshi: Well… we’ll push that big boulder into the hole, thereby allowing you to continue your journey! YAY!
They run past the Bros. and push the Chomp Rock down the hole, which rolls through Yoob’s mechanical belly revealing a new path. The Yoshis celebrate and run through the new path, and after a minute to get Baby Luigi to stop trying to eat Luigi’s nose they follow. In the next area they find some kind of bizarre Shroob workshop thing… They appear to be using machines to pick up the Yoshis and put them inside strange purple and green eggs.
Luigi: What the? How does all this FIT in Yoob? I mean… before it was all big.
Random Yoshi: AHHH! I don’t want to be an egg! I mean… again. After all, Yoshis ARE born from egg and AAAHHH!
The Yoshi is encased in one of the eggs.
Luigi: Okay… This is like… really creepy. Maybe we should just move on and-
Baby Luigi: Oohoo!
Luigi: What? NO!
Baby Luigi jumps off Luigi and stats assaulting the Shroobs. Mario also jumps in. Baby Mario slides off and stands by Luigi as they watch their… uh… ”brothers” beat up numerous aliens.
Luigi: Hmph. I’m guessing the Shroobs aren’t a peaceful race.
Baby Mario: Yeah!
Luigi: Strange… how my baby self… and your ADULT self seem to be so similar… ACK!
Luigi dodges as a random Shroob randomly shoots a random laser blast from his random gun… randomly. Yeah. Soon Mario and Baby Luigi have managed to incapacitate all the Shroobs. They then proceed to free the Yoshis, who keep saying how grateful they are, then run off deeper into Yoob. The Mario Bros. hook up again and continue, trying to find their way out of the strange and bizarre mechanical robotic alien Yoshi… thing. After a wee bit they manage to catch up to the Yoshis, who they see are all huddled up in a small room.
Luigi: What are you doing?
Yellow Yoshi: Waiting for you to figure out a way out of here.
Luigi: You couldn’t like… you know… HELP?!
Red Yoshi: No… we like you doing the work better! But I do have something for you!
Luigi: Really? What?
Red Yoshi: It’s a BADGE!
He gives Luigi a fruit.
Luigi: Uh… This is a fruit. A half-eaten fruit.
Red Yoshi: So it is! Thanks!
The Yoshi eats the fruit.
Luigi: I don’t even know why we bother helping you.
Black Yoshi: Because we’re cute! Yoshi!
Luigi: … Just… shut up.
The Mario Bros. continue their fun venture through the bowels of the Yoob. After a while they encounter a very tired Toad with a blue Mushroom cap.
Toadbert: Hello! What are you doing here?
Luigi: Uh… Trying to find the way out… Who are you?
Toadbert: Well… I’m Toadbert… and… well… that’s about all I can remember.
Stuffwell pops up.
Stuffwell: I’m awake!
Luigi: Agh! Go away!
Stuffwell: No! Why it’s Toadbert… You accompanied Princess Peach to the past!
Toadbert: I did? I can’t remember… the memory.
Stuffwell: Maybe what happened was so horrible you blocked it out?
Toadbert: What? No, don’t be ridiculous! I just haven’t had any coffee for a while and I’m quite exhausted. I did draw a picture of what happened. No clue what it means, as I’m an awful artist.
He hands Luigi a poorly drawn and dirty picture that looks like it was drawn by a preschooler with a crayon.
Luigi: This looks like it was drawn by a preschooler with a crayon.
Toadbert: Hey! It was a marker! Yawn…
Luigi: Wait… It looks like there’s more of the picture here, covered by dirt…
Luigi prepares to wipe some of the dirt off.
Toadbert: NOOOOO! Don’t do that! It will reveal to much of the plot too early!
Luigi: What?
Mario: Mamamia!
Mario grabs the picture and shoves it in his pocket.
Luigi: Hey! What was that for?!
Stuffwell: My work is done!
Stuffwell disappears.
Luigi: You didn’t DO anything! I hate suitcases.
Toadbert: Now you want to get out, right?
Luigi: Yes.
Toadbert: Well... in the next room is a ferocious creature I’ve decided to name Sunnycide. I think it’s guarding the exit. Hurry up and save us.
Luigi: Wait… Why’d you name it Sunnycide? Does it smile?
Toadbert: Not like Sunnyside happy! Sunnycide, with Cide like insecticide! It’s BAD! Get it?
Luigi: No.
Toadbert: Good, because I don’t either.
Luigi: Well if we have to fight it to escape, we will…
Toadbert: Great! I’ll wait here!
Luigi: Lazy bum.
Toadbert: True… but I’m a lazy bum with temporary amnesia… so deal with it!
Luigi: Fine.
They enter the next room. Inside they see a large, evil-looking creature that sort of looks like an open eggshell, the same colors as the ones the Yoshis were forced into. It has green feet (Yes, just green feet. It has no legs. It’s a freaking evil EGG for crying out loud!) and green tentacles. It has two creepy, glowing eyes on green stalks and a strange bump inside the eggshell. Surrounding the vile beast are multiple trapped Yoshis in the gross Shroobdacious eggs.
Luigi: Wow… That thing… is UGLY!
Sunnycide: *(&^^@$T%^%^@*&^!
Mario: Woohoo!
Mario jumps at Sunnycide. He bounces off its hard armor. So Mario throws Baby Mario at it.
Baby Mario: WAAAHHHH!
Sunnycide: *^&*^*T%*%!
Sunnycide swats the airborne infant away. Luigi dives and catches him.
Luigi: Jeez, Mario! If he hit his head he could have gotten severe brain damage! Which… considering he’s a baby you, that might explain some-
Mario smacks Luigi. Sunnycide picks up the eggs and throws them at the Mario Bros. They duck, and the eggs bounce off the wall and hit Sunnycide, knocking it over, revealing the bump.
Luigi: That must be the creature’s weak spot! Get it!
Luigi and Mario both jump on the bump.
Sunnycide: *^*^(@$^@*%$@^%^@(*^!
The beast appears to be hurt but a cord falls from nowhere. Sunnycide pulls it and the room gets dark.
Luigi: I can’t see-
A Boo appears in front of Luigi.
Luigi: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
Boo: ACK!
The Boo gets frightened and disappears.
Luigi: That cord appeared from thin air! This whole adventure is impossible!
Sunnycide gets up. Upon doing so it bumps some of the eggs, causing them to crack open. Several Yoshis bound out.
Purple Yoshi: YAY! Let’s go lean on that weird rock up there!
Other Yoshis: YAY! We’re free!
They pointlessly run up to a pointless hill and lean against the pointless Chomp Rock pointlessly knocking it off the pointless hill into the pointless Sunnycide who pointlessly falls over.
Luigi: This is pointless.
Sunnycide: *^&^*%^T%*(^(&)%*(&%^()*&!
A chain falls out of nowhere and Sunnycide pulls it. A bottomless hole appears underneath the stupid thing, taking it away to its doom. A hole appears in the corner of the room, and all the other Yoshis and Toadbert come in.
Toadbert: YAY! Now we can leave!
The Yoshis take all the weird eggs and push them through the hole. Toadbert and the Yoshis jump through. Mario and Luigi as well as their baby selves jump through as well. They slide through a mechanical pipe and are… removed through the rear end of the now unmoving Yoob. They all land in the Yoshi village, and even though it is a considerable drop they are all unharmed. The eggs all crack open upon contact with the ground, revealing more Yoshis and… a Baby Bowser. Luigi walks over to him.
Luigi: Give us those Shards!
Baby Bowser: Ack, you! Oh well… It really hurts so you guys can have them. I don’t know WHY I ate two pointy things that logically could not fit in me. HACK!
He makes a noise like a cat ejecting a hairball and coughs up the two Shards. Mario quickly dashes over and grabs them before Luigi can do anything.
Luigi: JERK!
Mario: Okeydokey!
The Yoshis run over to Mario and Luigi.
Green Yoshi: Thanks for saving us… but now go away.
Luigi: What? Why?
Red Yoshi: You smell funny.
Luigi: Oh yeah? Well… you’re… uh… STUPID!
Blue Yoshi: MEANIE!
The Yoshis all run away crying. Luigi shrugs and the Mario Bros. go back to their original time.