Chapter 7: True Mastermind Revealed
Lemmy lands on Oho Oasis. He searches for P.T. When he finds him, he sees that crabs are attacking him.
Mr. Krabs: I just wanted to give you your boomerang… into your head! Bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha!
P.T. punches Mr. Krabs to Pirate Land from Mario Party 2. He’s eaten with corn and salad. P.T. regains his boomerang.
Lemmy: I guess we should try to get off this island.
Oho Jee: I wouldn’t. At least not without getting the hand powers. You need them to use the underwater passage.
P.T.: Why not just swim back to the mainland?
Oho Jee: Rocks surround the island. They surround every island in Oho Ocean, except for Joke’s End.
Lemmy: Joke’s End?
Oho Jee: Oh, don’t worry about that place. You won’t have to go there, for a few chapters.
Lemmy: Okay. I have another way to get off this island!
Lemmy pulls out a Cape Feather, and uses it.
P.T.: Super Fist of the Nosehair: Gondola Tour!
P.T. is in a gondola that takes him back to the coast, before Lemmy can get there. Meanwhile, in Dark Land, a certain recurring character is floating about.
King Boo: It’s about time I appeared in this story! … Anyway, I can’t believe my last two fights with Lemmy and P.T. have failed! I wonder if Cackletta beat them, or not. It doesn’t matter. And since we’re about halfway through the story, I can reveal my plan!
You: I couldn’t care less.
King Boo: Silence! … Anyway, after losing in LM2, I teamed up with Cackletta. She would steal Peach’s voice. Then, I’d hire a Dry Bones to threaten to take Lemmy’s mansion away from him. Then, he’d give him a newspaper with an article about the voice-napping. While he’s gone to get the voice, and the reward, to pay the rent, I would take over his dad’s castle, with no ghosthunters to stop me! … But Bowser and I are enemies. He’d be prepared for me. I need a body to possess, so he won’t recognize me. But who?
Fred lands near King Boo.
Fred: Yes!
King Boo: Hmmm…
The screen goes dark. Meanwhile, Lemmy and P.T. are walking through the fields, wondering what to do.
Lemmy: How can I return the voice now? Where are the Beanstar pieces?
P.T.: Why do you even care?
Lemmy: I have to get the reward, so I can pay my rent! But I can only enter this place with a partner, so I bribed you with chocolate. I owe 5,000 dollars.
P.T.: Wait, if 100 of our currency is just 1 Beanbean coin, then if we get 500 Beanbean coins, you’ll have enough to pay the rent!
Lemmy: Of course! I’m so smart!
P.T.: Why can’t I think of ideas like this?
Lemmy: Because you’re you.
P.T.: Oh yeah.
A newspaper flies into Lemmy’s face. He takes if off, and they read what it says.
Lemmy: Huh?
Article:
Royalty alert! Princess Daisy from
Sarasaland is visiting! We offer a reward of 500 (Beanbean) dollars, for
keeping her safe, as she goes through Teehee Valley, to get to Little Fungi
Town, the place she came here to visit. Go talk to Lady Lima at Beanbean
Airport for more info.
P.S.: It doesn’t matter if you’re someone from, say, the Koopa Troop, for example. Just so long as you keep her safe.
Lemmy: That’ll do!
They rush to the airport.
Lima: I see you’re back from Woohoo Hooniversity. How was it?
Lemmy: We killed Cackletta, but lost the Star. It broke into four pieces, and scattered around the kingdom.
Lima: I see. As long as Cackletta is dead, we don’t have to care. So why are you here?
P.T.: We read this article about helping Princess Daisy.
Lima: I see. Well, the tarmac is swarming with Piranha Plants, and a big egg. You need to clear the tarmac in ten minutes, or else the plane can’t land.
Lemmy: Okay. Exterminating plants is P.T.’s specialty. As you can see.
While they were talking, P.T. ran around the tarmac, killing Piranha Plants with a chainsaw. After that, the egg hatches.
Mom Piranha: Mom Piranha! … No, I’m not a Poke’mon.
Lemmy: We have eight minutes left!
P.T. uses a flamethrower on the plant. If Lemmy has a Freeze Gun, shouldn’t P.T. be able to have a flamethrower? Anyway, it heals the plant.
Lemmy: Way to go! I know! Hey! That rhymed!
Lemmy and P.T. glow. They become Lem T. Spookyhomerted.
Lem T. Spookyhomerted: All right! I’ve been in all three stories! … Funny. I’ve been in all three stories, but this is my first speaking role. Super Fist of the Cameo Appearance Cameo Cannon!
Lem T. Spookyhomerted shoots Danny Phantom, Tucker Foley, Sam Manson, Spongebob Squarepants, Patrick Star, Sandy Cheeks, Squidward Tentacles, Timmy Turner, Cosmo, Wanda, Jimmy Neutron, Goddard, Carl Wheezer, Sheen Estevez, Cindy Vortex, Libby Folfax, Aang, Katara, Sokka, Toph, Mr. X, Mrs. X, Tuesday X, Truman X, Bobobo, Don Patch, Jelly Jiggler, Dengaku Man, Torpedo Girl, Naruto, Luffy, Zolo, Nami, Usopp, Sanji, Chopper, Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson, Hank Hill, and Al Gore out of a cannon on his head. They all hit Mom Piranha. Mr. Krabs didn’t appear, because he died earlier in this chapter.
Mom Piranha: Ouch.
Mom Piranha disappears, as do the cameo characters, just in time for the plane to land.
Lima: Wonderful!
Daisy gets off of the plane.
Daisy: Lemmy? Are YOU supposed to be my escort?!
Lemmy: I just want the reward. After that, we’re enemies again.
Daisy: I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Lima: Okay. So Lemmy, you and the other guy-
P.T.: P.T.
Lima: -can go on ahead to Teehee Valley. We’ll get Daisy ready to go.
Lemmy: Okay.
Lemmy and P.T. go across the fields, until they come up to the entrance to Teehee Valley.
P.T.: The entrance is blocked.
Lemmy: No worries.
Lemmy tries to break the rock with the bowling ball, but it doesn’t work.
Lemmy: Darn.
The ghosts of the Hammerhead Bros. appear.
Sledge’s Ghost: Maybe we could’ve upgraded your bowling ball, if SOMEONE didn’t kill us!
Lemmy pulls out a vacuum. He then has a sinister grin.
Mallet’s Ghost: Woah! You didn’t have to go that far! Okay!
The ghosts shoot a laser at the bowling ball. It turns gray.
Sledge’s Ghost: Now it can break even stronger rocks.
Lemmy: Good.
Lemmy sucks them up.
P.T.: Why’d you do that?
Lemmy: I’m the son of an evil guy! Don’t you think that’s reason enough to be mean?
P.T.: Maybe.
Lemmy breaks the rock with the supped-up
bowling ball. They enter Teehee Valley.
Chapter 8: P.T. Alone
Lemmy and P.T. enter Teehee Valley. Then, Daisy enters.
Lemmy: Okay. Let’s get this over with.
P.T.: I know! We’ll destroy all the monsters! Then, there won’t be any monsters to kidnap Daisy!
Lemmy: That’s dumb! … I know! We’ll destroy all the monsters! Then, there won’t be any monsters to kidnap Daisy!
P.T.: Hey! … Didn’t Daisy say that?
Lemmy: You wait with Daisy. When all the monsters are dead, I’ll let you know.
Lemmy goes around, killing the monsters. After that, they reach the entrance to Little Fungi Town. Suddenly, Trunkle comes out of hiding.
Trunkle: Die!
Lemmy: Why do people keep telling us to die?
P.T.: I thought you killed all the monsters!
Lemmy: Well, I guess I missed one!
Trunkle throws a rock at Lemmy, but Lemmy holds up the bowling ball. The rock breaks upon impact with it.
Trunkle: Wow. Where did you get something like that?
Lemmy: Somewhere on Hoohoo Mountain.
Trunkle: I’m off!
Trunkle goes to Hoohoo Mountain. Lemmy, P.T., and Daisy get on the elevator. Soon…
Toad Person: Welcome to Little Fungi Town.
Daisy: Thanks. I’m gonna go do tomboy things. You two just do other things.
Daisy walks away.
Toad Person: Welcome to Little Fungi Town.
Lemmy: You said that.
Toad Person: Welcome to Little Fungi Town.
Lemmy: Shut up, already!
Toad Person: Welcome to Little Fungi Town.
Lemmy pushes the Toad person off of the platform. He dies upon impact with the desert ground.
P.T.: ARCADE!
They go into the arcade.
Manager: Beat the game “’Stache Smash”, and you can get an Invinvcishroom. It makes you invincible!
Lemmy: I’m game!
Lemmy beats the game in… a LOT of tries.
Manager: Took you long enough! Here you go!
He gives the Invincishroom to Lemmy, who eats it… and ends up in the hospital.
Daisy: Well?
Dr. Mario: Well, I have to go save Peach from Princess Shroob. But my middle-aged nurse, Four T, can help you.
Dr. Mario turns into Mario, who leaves.
Four T: Lemmy has Bean Fever. He’ll turn into a bean in three days. Unless he eats Crabby Grass. You can get some from Guffawha Ruins, but it’s a dangerous place.
P.T.: I ain’t goin’!
Four T: I’ll give you candy!
P.T.: CANDY!
Four T: Okay. Here’s a map to help you get there.
P.T. got the map! He heads over to Guffawha Ruins. Once there…
Statue: You must swat the glowing spheres at the statues. Then you can enter.
P.T.: Good thing I took Lemmy’s bowling ball in a deleted scene.
P.T. breaks down the wall with the bowling ball. That rhymed! … Uh, he enters and eventually sees another statue.
Statue: If you can jump to each platform, as they move backwards, and as I shoot fireballs at you, you can continue.
P.T.: That’s too hard.
Statue: Cry me a river.
P.T. throws the bowling ball at the statue. It crumbles, and P.T. continues. P.T. has to climb up a bunch of platforms.
P.T.: Wait, doesn’t this room come BEFORE the statue room?
This place got remodeled. Anyway, he finally gets in the room with the Crabby Grass, but a force field appears around it.
P.T.: Huh?
Yoda: It’s time.
Yoda, Darth Vader, and Hoohooros appear.
Yoda: P.T., it’s now or never. Join us, or die.
P.T.: So you want me to join you?
Yoda: Yes. You’ll even be able to get the Crabby Grass, if you do. Face it, you need us.
P.T.: I don ‘t think I need you, but you need me! Ol’ Vadey there got all his limbs chopped off, Hoohooros was easily beaten by Mario and Luigi, and you died in Star Wars: Episode 6!
Darth Vader: So you refuse to join us?
P.T.: Yeah.
Hoohooros: Darn.
Yoda: Big mistake.
Yoda and Darth Vader pull out their light sabers. Hoohooros summons some pillars. They all leap at him. Darth Vader chops off P.T.’s arm.
P.T.: Oh, that’s it.
P.T.’s arm appears, revealing that Darth Vader just chopped off his sleeve. P.T. dons a new trench coat.
P.T.: Now I can finally use my crazy attacks! Super Fist of the Nosehair: Piano Performance!
Yoda, Darth Vader, and Hoohooros are tied to chairs in the same auditorium from chapter 6. On stage is P.T.
Principal: For tonight’s performance, Peter will be playing the Star Wars theme song.
(Peter is the long version of Petey, which is what the P in P.T. stands for.)
P.T. starts playing the song … really badly.
Yoda: Aaah! My big ears! They burn!
Darth Vader and Hoohooros don’t appear to have ears, so they don’t hear the music. But how did they hear other things? We’ll never know. Darth Vader uses the Force to pick up the piano, then Hoohooros shoots a laser at it, causing it to explode. A piece of the piano hits P.T.’s head, but P.T. quickly puts on a helmet. Now he takes it off.
P.T.: I can see that that attack didn’t work. Super Fist of the Nosehair: Summoning A Lion!
Yoda: You’re summoning a lion?
P.T.: Yes.
Darth Vader: We can beat a lion!
A donkey appears, and mule-kicks Hoohooros.
Hoohooros: Ouch.
The donkey then kicks Yoda and Darth Vader, really hard. A lot.
Darth Vader: My squiggly spooch!
Yoda: YOU SAID YOU WERE SUMMONING A LION!
P.T.: This IS a lion, idiot!
Yoda: YOU’RE THE IDIOT! THAT’S A DONKEY!
P.T.: No, this is a donkey!
A lion appears. Yoda destroys the animals with his light saber.
P.T.: Okay. Time for my most powerful attack yet. Super Fist of the Nosehair: Majide Time!
The scene changes to outer space, where P.T., Yoda, Darth Vader, and Hoohooros are floating.
Yoda: “Majide Time”?
P.T.: Yes.
Suddenly, the sun turns into a whale.
Whale: You will lose.
Yoda: Are you serious?
A rock smashes Yoda.
Darth Vader and Hoohooros: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Another rock smashes Darth Vader and Hoohooros. But they emerge.
Yoda: What? Why did the rocks smash us?
P.T.: The power of majide time punishes everyone who says, “Are you serious?”.
A rock smashes P.T.
Yoda, Darth Vader, and Hoohooros: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
A rock smashes the three of them. Suddenly, they are on top of a giant statue of Spongebob.
Yoda: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
A rock smashes Yoda.
Darth Vader: I have a confession… I’m a girl!
Darth Vader transforms into Samus Aran.
Hoohooros: And I feel manly.
Hoohooros transforms into Link.
Link: Let’s get married!
Samus: Okay!
Zelda: Hey!
Yoda: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
P.T.: First time I had a word size change.
A rock smashes Yoda. The scene changes again, and Darth Vader and Hoohooros are back to their original genders and identities. Yoda, Darth Vader, and Hoohooros are among other people, in a movie theater. In the background, Rookie is eating popcorn. Even though Rookie is dead, it doesn’t matter, since this is majide time. On the screen, they see P.T. fighting P.T.
P.T.: I’ve always admired you.
P.T.: You should!
P.T.: I’ve always aspired to be you!
Yoda, Darth Vader, and Hoohooros: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Manager: No shouting in the theater!
The manager kicks them out, revealing that the theater was floating in space. They fall, and land in a savannah. Also, a rock smashes them for saying “Are you serious?”. Oh no. A rock is about to land on me… Ouch.
Yoda: When will this end?!
P.T.: Once the minute is up!
Darth Vader: This attack only lasts a minute?! Are you serious?!
A rock smashes Darth Vader. Suddenly, Yoda and Hoohooros see a stampede of zebras. Just before the zebras stomp on them, they turn into elephants. And they stomp on them.
Yoda and Hoohooros: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
A rock smashes both of them.
Yoda: (Hmmm. If we say “Are you serious?” we get punished. Yet things keep happening to make us say it. If we can keep from saying it, we’ll be fine!)
P.T.: That won’t work. The compelling feeling of saying it is too strong!
Yoda: You can read my mind?!
P.T.: Only in majide time. Plus, you get punished, even for thinking the words.
Yoda: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
A rock smashes Yoda for thinking the words. Another one does, for saying it just now. The scene changes to a beach. A fat guy sits on him.
Yoda: Get off me, Tubby!
Fat Guy: I’m thin!
Yoda: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
A rock smashes him.
Yoda: Wait, where’s the others?
P.T.: I ate them!
Yoda: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Another rock smashes Yoda. Finally, the scene changes back to Guffawha Ruins.
Yoda: Oh…. You are serious…
Yoda sees that Darth Vader and Hoohooros are unconscious. He faints, himself.
P.T.: Weaklings.
P.T. grabs the Crabby Grass, and makes his way back to Little Fungi Town. But on the way to the hospital, someone stops him.
Voice: Hey!
A person steps out of the shadows.
P.T.: Oh my DAD!
He sees Fred. Only instead of light green, he’s dark green. He’s also ripped, and has longer arms and legs. He’s no longer fat, and he has a long tongue, a crown, and familiar eyes.
Fred?: I am… Burger King!
P.T.: Burger King?
Burger King: “Burger” from Fred Fredburger, and “King” from King Boo. I’m King Boo possessing Fred Fredburger!
P.T.: That’s the best you can do?!
Burger King: Unfortunately. Anyway, I kidnapped Daisy. If you want to see her alive, you will give me the Beanstar Pieces.… You know, I could really go for some nachos right now.
P.T.: Not another “Collect The Power Objects” quest!
Burger King: Yes! … Not only was that the answer, but a little of Fred slipped out. Pass the message to Lemmy.
P.T.: Why do you even want the pieces?
Burger King: I’ll reveal that in a few chapters.
Burger King flies away with Daisy.
P.T.: How are you flying?
Burger King: I’m part Boo!
Soon, Lemmy eats the Crabby Grass.
Lemmy: I’m going to sue that arcade! … But that did give me a good idea on how to kill Mario!
P.T.: No good. Luigi found a cure.
Lemmy soon gets the message.
Lemmy: Oh my DAD! If I want the reward for keeping her safe, I must get the pieces! But the people of Beanbean Castle must never know! If they find out that we let her get in danger, we won’t get the reward!
P.T.: But where are they?
Four T: I think I heard about one of those things landing on an abandoned ship, back down in the valley.
Lemmy: To the valley!
And so begins the quest for the Beanstar
Pieces.
Chapter 9: Lagoon Buffoons
Lemmy and P.T. are on the elevator, going back down to Teehee Valley. The elevator lands, and they see a ship. They also see the first piece of the Beanstar on said ship, so they head for the ship.
Lemmy: You know, with King Boo possessing Fred, he won’t be bothering us anymore!
P.T.: Huzzah!
They get to the ship, just in time to see skeleton sailors take the piece into their ship. They enter the ship, but they are stopped, when they try to enter…
Skeleton Sailor #1: You can only enter, with a membership card.
Lemmy takes a leg bone from the bone-man, causing the whole skeleton to fall to pieces. They enter the next room, and find it on a shelf.
P.T.: Give us the Star, or I’ll use my Chomp Call!
Skeleton Sailor #2: Only if you help Bloat.
Lemmy: Who’s Bloat?
Skeleton Sailor #2: The fat guy at the other end of the room.
They see a fat skeleton stuck in the wall.
Lemmy: Oh. How’d he get stuck?
Skeleton Sailor #2: Jed! They’re on to me!
A skeletal zebra appears.
Jed: Let’s get out of here!
Skeleton Sailor #2 jumps on Jed’s spine, and they ride off into the sunset. P.T. is in a movie theater, crying and eating popcorn.
P.T.: He never even got to reveal his love for Tonya to her! *cries*
Lemmy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
The scene goes back to the S.S. Chuckola. That’s the ship’s name.
Skeleton Sailor #3: Go talk to the captain. He’ll give you some dynamite to help get Bloat out.
Lemmy: Dynamite? Isn’t that a little extreme?
Skeleton Sailor #3: Ned! They’re on to me!
A skeletal giraffe appears.
Ned: Let’s get out of here!
Skeleton Sailor #3 jumps on Ned’s spine, and they ride off into the sunset. P.T. is in a movie theater, crying and eating popcorn.
P.T.: He never even got to reveal his love for Tonya to her! *cries*
Lemmy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! AND I THOUGHT SKELETON SAILOR #2 LOVED TONYA!
The scene goes back to the S.S. Chuckola. Our idiots- I mean, heroes go to the captain’s quarters. They see an important-looking skeleton making things out of quarters.
Lemmy: Uh, Captain?
Captain: Hi.
They see that he looks exactly like Captain Crunch, but as a skeleton.
P.T.: How exactly did you become a skeleton?
Captain: Cereal killer. I used to be THE Captain Crunch.
P.T.: Thought so.
Lemmy: We need dynamite.
Captain: Okay. Here. We found him on Hoohoo Mountain the other day.
The captain gives Lemmy an unconscious Napoleon Dynamite.
Napoleon: Gosh! … Wait, I’m supposed to be unconscious. Forget I said anything.
Lemmy: Not that kind of dynamite!
Captain: Ingrate!
The captain takes back Napoleon, and gives Lemmy some real dynamite. He and P.T. go back to the other room, and place the dynamite next to Bloat. P.T. pulls out a match, and lights it.
Lemmy: Why do I have a disturbing feeling that this isn’t going to end well?
BOOM!
The ship explodes, and the impact sends Lemmy, P.T., and the Beanstar piece to Gwarhar Lagoon. After 30 minutes, they wake up on the shore.
P.T.: I had the weirdest dream. I was on a ship of skeletons, and said ship exploded!
Lemmy: That really happened.
P.T.: Really?
Lemmy: Yes. Really.
A few girls come up.
Girl #1: Hermie has a shiny thing!
Girl #2: You should go get a hand massage!
Girl #3: Waah! I’m fat!
Girl #1: That’s okay. All three of us are fat. Let’s go eat donuts!
Girls # 2 and 3: DONUTS!
The girls go away.
Lemmy: I think they’re messed up.
P.T.: I thought that you thought I was messed up.
Lemmy: Not as messed up as them… Actually, I might be wrong about that…
They go into the hand massage place.
Counter Person: Pay 200 coins!
Lemmy freezes her, and he and P.T. kick two people out of their chairs. Gigi and Merri come in.
Gigi: Wel-
Merri: -Come!
Lemmy: That reminds me of when Iggy and I finished each other’s sentences.
P.T.: Yeah, that was annoying.
Gigi: Then you will die.
P.T.: Fire breath!
P.T. breathes fire on the Jellyfish Sisters, as he and Lemmy leave.
Lemmy: Where on Plit did you learn to breathe fire?
P.T.: It comes after earning your seventh degree blackbelt in the Nosehair Dojo.
Lemmy: I should’ve known. Wait, weren’t those two supposed to teach us new moves? That’s how the game went!
P.T.: I’m sure we’ll think of something!
They reach a fat Koopa.
Fat Koopa: You can’t knock me down.
Lemmy: Waiting for that something that we’re going to think of.
P.T.: Die.
Fat Koopa: Aaah! That’s scary!
P.T.: Diet.
Fat Koopa: AAAAAAAHHHH!!! THAT’S SCARIER!
The fat Koopa explodes from fear. They soon see big rollers that they could’ve easily passed, if they’d trained with Gigi and Merri.
Lemmy: Still waiting for that something that we’re going to think of.
P.T.: Fine.
P.T. pulls out a stop sign, and plants it in the ground. The rollers stop.
Lemmy: 0_0
P.T. and Lemmy run across. Now they see an area where they have to run, while pushing a rock, to hit a switch.
Lemmy: Now what? I think Mario needed to torch Luigi’s pants, to run really fast.
P.T. torches Lemmy’s shell with his flamethrower from a few chapters ago. They manage to solve the puzzle, just like Mario and Luigi did. Soon, they reach the three girls from before eating donuts, in front of a giant hermit crab.
Hermie the 3rd: Uh, ladieth? You’re thuppothed to decorate my thell!
Girls: Decorate your own shell!
Lemmy sees that the Beanstar piece is on top of the shell.
Hermie: Will you two decorate my thell?
Lemmy: Can we have the shiny thing on top of it, first?
Hermie: No.
Lemmy: Then we won’t decorate.
Hermie: Okay. But I know what you will do.
Lemmy: What?
Hermie: Die!
P.T.: I’m starting to get the impression that not a lot of people like us in this kingdom.
Lemmy: Once again, why did YOU have to come?! Why not Kyle?!
The big crab starts trying to attack our heroes with his claws and spitting poison bubbles at them, but… Lemmy and P.T. stink at dodging.
Lemmy: Ouch.
P.T.: Oucher.
Lemmy: Oucher Glass.
Oucher Glass: I’m a useless enemy! Yay! Pepto Bismol!
Lemmy: I’m deeply disturbed.
Lemmy tosses the Oucher Glass at Hermie. But the crabby crab tosses it back to Lemmy, who tosses it into the water.
P.T.: That gives me an idea! Super Fist of the Nosehair: Minivan Attack!
P.T. throws a (fully loaded) minivan at Hermie.
Hermie: Outh! Okay! You win! You can have the thiny thing! Jutht don’t hurt me!
Hermie gives them the piece of the Beanstar. Lemmy and P.T. find a small boat, and get on. They start traveling back to the mainland.
PIECES FOUND: ¼
PIECES LEFT: 3/4
Lemmy: That’s one step closer to completing the Beanstar!
P.T.: And one step closer to saving my sister!
Lemmy: What?
P.T.: Oops.