Chapter 3: Super Princess Peach 2: Battle of the Bitlands (or the Bitlands. Jerks.)
Chapter 3-1
Peach looks up at the title and gasps.
Peach: A SEQUEL?! YAYNESS!
Mario: Aw snap.
Peach slaps Mario.
Peach: SHUT UP. MARIO!
Mario: WHAT I DO?!
Peach: UGH! I HATE it when you talk like that! Speak proper for once!
Mario: Peach. Has ANYBODY in this story tried speaking proper for once?
Peach: No.
Mario: ... I WIN!
Peach tries to tackle Mario, but a giant... lizard... thing jumps out and eats Tippi-
Tippi: YES! FREEEDOM!
-along with Mario.
Tippi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Mario: SHADDAP!
Mario hits Tippi with a flyswatter.
Francis: HI-TECHNICAAAAAAAAAAAAL! I caught a super-rare pixilated butterfly! AND an authentic Italian-Plumber doormat! AND I'm a chameleon!
Peach: And...?
Francis: Er... Yo? DON'T GIVE ME A WEDGIE!
Francis disappears like... a chameleon. Yeah...
Peach: Freak.
...
Peach: Wait. I'M ALONE! WHERE DID DEM STUPID PIXLS GO?!
In Sub-con...
Slim: I'm tellin' you, pard, it's around here somewhere...
Boomer: You mean that sock Thoreau had? What's so special about it?
Slim: I remember it like it was yesterday: In the bottom of that sock, there is $100,000!
Boomer: FOR REAL?! Let's go then!
Poor idiots... Back at the Bitlands...
Peach: WAIT. This probably means... this marks the beginning of Super Princess Peach 2!
99.9% of Enemies in the Bitlands: OH NOES! RUNNNNNNNNNNN!
Peach flies through the stage, using emotions like anger (to burn), sadness (to drown), calm (to sing them to sleep), and joy (to kick them in the face Kung-Fu-style as soon as they fall asleep). The Bitlands is in turmoil, as the deadly princess smashes them like bugs.
Koopa in a cockroach suit: Ow...
Peach: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DIE!
At Bowser's Awesome Fort...
Lead Koopa Striker: KING BOWSER, SIR!
Bowser: Whuzza? Huh? Pass the peas like we used to do? Oh. It's you, Calvin. No, you can't have my last soda-
Calvin: A dangerous threat has come into the area! She... he... IT... has destroyed EVERYTHING, from the authentic World 1-2 Underground, to the Forest of Illusion Forest Reserve!
Bowser: So?
Calvin: IT'S COMING TO DESTROY US ALL!
Bowser: And...?
A voice can be heard outside saying "I MUST HAVE YOUR TWINKIES!" accompanied by evil cackling, explosions, and screams. Bowser gasps!
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not my Hostess Twinkies! I love those little cakesticks! NEVER!
Calvin: So what shall we do, sir?
Bowser: Release... THE TANKS.
Private Koopa: DUN DUN DU-
Bowser sits on Private Koopa.
Private Koopa: -N. Ow...
Outside, the Koopa Army of the Bitlands prepares for battle. Bullet Bill Blasters are polished until they shine like the sun. Soldiers put on their best armor and foundation.
Random Hammer Bro: I FEEL PRETTY!
Koopa Strikers prepare their best shells, Hammer Bros. their best hammers. Goombas prepare to walk like idiots, and one Koopa stands on the top of the main fort with a Mega Star in hand.
Certain Koopa: THOU SHALT PAY FOR NOT DUELING WITH ME!
Other Koopas direct the survivors to the Tile Pool, so they can find the bridge across. Oh, and they want to watch football.
Some Koopa: We need cable TV, man!
So, on April 11, 2007, 12:00 PM... the Battle of the Bitlands began.
Peach: RAWR!
Calvin: FIRE!
Shells, Bullet Bills, Hammers, and a Goomba named Toozey fly towards the one-woman army. With a mighty flare of flame, the princess burns all of the incoming projectiles.
Ghost of Toozey: Why me?
Random Boo: ‘Cause you had no foundation on. Now shut up.
With a stomp of her foot, an earthquake takes place. The first two fortress walls fall, leaving only the main fortress.
Bullet Bill: NOOOOOOO! I never got to eat my ice cream...
Then, with dramatic flair, Terry A. Koopa (AKA Certain Koopa) jumps in front of Princess Peach.
Terry: NOW, THOU SHALT-
And Peach stomps him.
Terry: Ow.
With her mighty Super Strikers kick, Peach successfully destroys Kastle Koopa and the Koopa Army of the Bitlands... at 12:01 P.M.
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I HAVE BEEN DEFEATED!
Peach: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now thou shalt pay the... Bowser?
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You'll never have Betty and Jerry! YOU'LL NEVER TOUCH MY TWINKIE BABI- Wha?
Peach: SWEETIE!
Bowser: HONEY!
In slow motion, the two lovebirds run towards each other. Suddenly, when Bowser tries to romantically hug Peach, she pushes him out of the way and runs toward the backyard to a Jacuzzi... destroyed. Peach gasps!
Peach: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'M SORRY, JARED! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I'LL LOVE YOU ALWAYS!
Bowser: ...
The Survivors: ...
Pilt and the Dimensions beyond it: ...
Uh... Let's just say they hit the Star Block. Yeah...
Chapter 3-2
Captain Lewis the Hammer Bro (the General dude): QUICKLY! In the water!
Some Goomba: But I can't swim-
Lewis: SHADDAP! Do you want to be one of the monster's slaves?!
Mumblings can be heard, like "No," "Wasn't there a bridge?", "Poor King Bowser!", and "I like corn!"
Bowser (far away): HEY! WHO SAID THEY LIKED CORN?! DIE! ... AGAIN!
Sir Goombarington (a Goomba, duh): Captain Lewis, the evil witch that possessed our Gnarliness is coming this way! Whatever shall we do?
Spritual Koopa Striker: Don't worry. The great spirits from beyond shall help us.
Bezzle (Fire Bro): Whaddya mean the "great spirits from beyond" will help-
Suddenly, the waters of the Tile Pool divide in half, letting the survivors pass. Hey, this reminds me of a VERY IMPORTANT story...
Bezzle: -us.
Bezzle gasps!
Bezzle: FRANK IS A GOD!
Then lightning struck Bezzle.
Burnt Bezzle: Ow...
Frank: Let us go towards salvation, my fellow friends and idiot!
99.9% of the Survivors: Yayness!
The Survivors quickly run through the dried-up space that is the Tile Pool.
Bowser: GET BACK HERE, YOU CORN-LOVING-
Peach: BOWSER! WE'RE GONNA HIT THE-
Both of them smack into the VERY FIRST obstacle of the level. That's gotta hurt.
Peach: YA THINK?!
Bowser: Honeybun, you OK back there?
Bowser gasps!
Bowser: HONEY! I'm sorry!
Peach: Save me, Jared...
Bowser: No, silly, I'm Bowser, your REAL savior!
Peach: Bowser, you do realize that wedding was a scam.
Bowser: AND you're funny! WE WERE MEANT TO BE!
Peach: Argh...
After allowing some Pixl to join them, they make it to the pipe.
Bowser: We made it! I feel so... heroic!
Then the watery walls are no more, and the Tile Pool fills up again-
Bowser: WHEEE! IT'S LIKE BEING IN A WASHING MACHINEEEEEEEEE...
-with a Giant Blooper.
Bowser: Aw crud.
Thudley: I'll stop him with my girthness!
Big Blooper: And how would you do that, you insolent little thing?
Thudley: I challenge you... TO A XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN!
Everybody: ...
Thudley: ... Or a thumb-wrestling match. Same thing...
Big Blooper: *GASP* I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE!
Peach: But you have no thu-
Bowser: LET'S GO!
So, leaving Thudley to his challenge, the lovely couple hit the Star Block. Why did I just say that...?
Chapter 3-3
Peach: Ooh, pretty tree!
Higher up in the tree...
Dimentio: Pray tell, what are you doing in MY hiding space?
Lewis: SHHHH! There's a witch down there!
Dimentio: Mmmm... Intrigue. I love it. Tell me more.
Bezzle: Well, she possessed Our Gnarliness, King Bowser, and made him her slave! AND SHE'S COMING TO KILL US ALL! AND STEAL OUR TWINKIES! AHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Bezzle gets struck by lightning... again.
Bezzle: Ow...
Dimentio: Well, don't worry. You seriously don't have to face her wrath.
Lewis: Really? THANK YOU! We owe you one!
Dimentio: You know why? Because they're MY slaves, personally sent out to destroy you.
Lewis: So?
Dimentio: I'll kill you.
Lewis: And...?
Dimentio: I'll take your Twinkies too.
The Survivors: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Survivors heroically... er... jump out of the Dotwood Tree. How that is heroic, I don't know...
Dimentio: ... Did I mention I was kidding?
*SMACK TIMES A THOUSAND*
The Survivors: OW...
Peach: Guys. Get off me.
Goombarington: *GASP*
Goombarington: IT'S THE WITCH!
Peach: WITCH?! WHY YOU-
Peach catches fire, flings the survivors off of her, and charges at Goombarington. He dodges her, making her miss and run into the tree. Unlike the trees in Hoo's Woods, these trees are flammable. So the Dotwood Tree burns down.
99.9% of the tree's denizens: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
...
Random Lakitu: HEY! Why aren't you screaming with us? YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN US?!
Dimentio: Well, why aren't you floating yourself out of danger? You can FLOAT, you know...
All Paratroopas, Lakitus, and Cherbils: Oh yeah...
So most of them float out of danger. Hoo-rah.
Kelly (random Lakitu): STUPID CLOUD! WHY DIDJA HAFTA EAT BRICKS?!
Jules (Kelly's Cloud): RAWR! ME HUNGRY!
*SMACK TIMES A MILLION*
99.9% of peoples: Ow...
Dimentio: You silly children, you.
99.7% of peoples: Wuzza? Huh? Pass the peas like we used to do?
They notice Dimentio.
99.7% of peoples: ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOMICIDAL CIRCUS FREAK! RUN AWAY!
So they all run away, creating a mass stampede (except for Peach and Bowser).
Peach and Bowser: PAIN.
Dimentio: Ahh, so the heroes arrive! Where's the man with the festival of hair that dances upon his lip?
Bowser: Festival?
Bowser gasps!
Bowser: PEACH! You planned our honeymoon in JAMAICA?!
Bowser hugs Peach.
Bowser: I LOVE YOU!
Dimentio: No she doesn't.
Bowser: What?
Dimentio: I SAID she doesn't love you. Sadly, she only thinks of you as a friend. She just wants your Jacuzzi.
Bowser: JARED?!
Dimentio: Er, yeah.
Bowser: ... THAT TRAITOR! HE THINKS HE CAN DATE MY WIFE AND STEAL MY ARMY WITH HIS HIGH-PESSSURE JETS?! WELL, HE’S GOT ANOTHER THING COMING! TO FORT FRANCIS!
Somehow, Bowser mounts a random unicorn, unsheathes a golden axe, puts a Viking cap on his head, and flies off to Fort Francis with dramatic flair.
Peach: Uh, Jared is dead...
Dimentio: And I'M available.
Peach: Don't touch me.
Dimentio: Whatevs. Your beauty is as refreshing as a slap on the face on a crisp winter day!
Peach: ... WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!
Dimentio: Honestly, I have no idea.
Peach throws Dimentio into the pile of flaming rubbish, and hits the Star Block.
Dimentio: WAIT! How did she clear the gap?
Look, the point IS that she hit the Star Block. It doesn't matter HOW she did it. And aren't you supposed to be burning to the ground?
Dimentio: ... You're next.
Dimentio begins screaming and tries to put the fire out, but knocks himself out in the process.
Chapter 3-4
Peach: Now where did the idiots go?
Peach sees the front door of Fort Francis smashed open, with random items scattered across the front lawn.
Peach: ... Never mind.
Peach enters Fort Francis, only to find more destruction.
Peach: Geez, Bowser's army must be really scared of me, huh?
Behind the kitty door...
Francis: Again... WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?! THIS FORT IS OPEN TO GENIUSES AND HOT BABES ONLY-
Lewis punches Francis.
Francis: SHADDAP! The witch is after us!
Francis: OW! Wait...
Francis gasps!
Frances: A WITCH?!
Bezzle: Yeah! She hypnotized Our Gnarliness, and they're after us, destroying anything in their path!
Ghost of Toozey: AND I REMEMBERED!
Ghost of Toozey points to Tippi, who is in a cage (along with Mario).
Ghost of Toozey: They want their butterfly friend back!
Francis: WHAT?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't give up Francine! She's my bestest friend!
Bezzle: Then she'll kill us all to get it. They'll kill us and bring our rotting corpses to that freaky clown guy, and he'll bring us back to life to torture us for an eternity! THEN THEY'LL LAUGH AT OUR PAIN WHILE EATING OUR TWINKIES AND BURNING YOUR COMIC BOOKS, WHICH LIGHT THE FIRE OF OUR ENDLESS TORTURE!
Francis: Oh please. Are you guys making this up? Because if you are, I'm gonna-
Francis stops suddenly as he notices the look of pure bliss on the survivors' faces.
Francis: Uh, guys...?
Lewis: Correct me if I'm wrong, but... IS THAT COFFEE I SMELL?!
Francis: Uh, yeah. I have a Starbucks in the den and a White Castle's in the bathroom, but it's only accessible to geniuses or hot-
Lewis: Then we shall use full force to obtain it.
Lewis unsheathes a sword.
Lewis: TO THE BATHROOM!
With a yell, the survivors smash through the kitty door, running over Francis and Peach by accident. They run towards the door on the right side of the hall, smash it open, and enter the deep recesses of Fort Francis.
Francis and Peach: OW.
Bowser: HONEY! Guess what? This castle has a Starbucks in the den and a White Castle's in the bathroom! Isn't that AWESOME?!
Francis and Peach: PAIN.
Tippi: GUYS! YOU CAME TO SAVE ME! I FEEL SO.. .SO...
Tippi suddenly falls sick, so she grabs a bag, and... well, you know...
Peach: EW.
Francis: HI-TECNICAAAAAAAAAAL.
But instead of... stuff, there is the fourth Pure Heart!
Bowser: ALL RIGHT! That was TOO easy! This adventure is going to be a snap!
Mario: I got it!
Bowser: NO, I'LL get it, because I'm Peach's oh-so-hot husband. I stayed with her this ENTIRE Chapter, and I exfoliate!
Mario: WELL, WE DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT!
Bowser: Well, at least people know that at least ONE of us actually believes in personal hygiene on a adventure!
Mario gasps!
Mario: DIE!
Mario and Bowser get into a fight, accidentally trampling Peach and Francis in the fray. Francis finally notices Peach…
Francis: ... HOT.
Peach: ... HATE.
Tippi and Co. got a Pure Heart! END OF CHAPTER 3! AT *Wario farts* Ew...
Dimentio: ...And that's why they don't eat cake all the time in France anymore.
Bleck: Wow.
Bleck chews on a walnut like a squirrel.
Bleck: Fascinating. But all Bleck wanted to know is did you beat Mario and Co. or not?
Dimentio sighs, annoyed.
Dimentio: Do you see this burnt tunic I'm wearing?
O'Chunks: You mean yer' man-dress?
Dimentio kills O'Chunks in response.
Ghost of O'Chunks: Er... Ow?
Nastasia: Ok, seriously. Your random killing sprees have GOT to-
Dimentio then kills Nastasia because she's annoying. Yeah...
Ghost of Nastasia: -stop. Can I fire him?
Bleck: If he loses his MAD ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS SKILLZ, you can!
Ghost of Nastasia: Mad Rock-Paper-Scissors skills?
Bleck: Yeah! It's a worldwide sport, you know! And that leads to my announcement: Dimentio won the Worldwide Rock-Paper-Scissors Competition in Rogueport! And with our big, fat wad of cash, WE'RE GOING ON A GLOBE-TROTTING JOURNEY!
Note from the author: YES. Rock-Paper-Scissors is now a worldwide sport. For proof, look it up in the Wikipedia. Back to the story...
Ghost of Nastasia: That message was not on the schedule, and WHAT are you talking about?!
Bleck: WE'RE GOING AROUND THE WORLD, BABY!
Mimi: REALLY?! EEEEEEEEEE!
Mimi begins squealing loudly and hugs Dimentio to death.
Mimi: I LOVE YOU!
Dimentio: Hug me to death, and I'll come back more powerful and irresistible than before. Oh, and Mario and Co... Well, Peach... defeated me, if you wanted to know.
Bleck: So. We'll just send the ultimate horror, AKA the New Guy, on them.
Ghost of O'Chunks: You mean the Loch Ness Monster?
Mimi: The Fashion Police?
Dimentio: MARIAH CAREY?!
Everybody begins to stare at Dimentio.
Dimentio: ... What? It COULD happen...
Bleck: Whatevs. You guys start packing, because we have to be at the airport in one hour, so we can catch the plane to our first destination... LONDON! Oh, and the new guy isn't coming with us because he has to prove his MAD SKILLZ to Mario and Co.
Everyone Else: Yayness!
After Bleck brings O'Chunks and Nastasia back to life, they all go to their rooms and begin to pack.
Natasia: Uh, Bleck?
Bleck: Yup?
Natasia: What about the Void? There's still time, you know...
Bleck: Aw, don't worry about it. It's gonna be all right. And you can quit being Bleck's secretary anytime, ya know. Bleck means, C'MON. You live next door!
Nastasia: Er, never mind. I'll stick with you to the end. ‘Cause you'll just destroy my expensive kitchen. Again. Like you always do.
So, Bleck and Nastasia leave.
...
Mysterious Voice: (in a sing-song fashion) My my my! Bleck and Nastasia have such DEEP conversations!
With a ripple of magical energy, the mysterious voice reveals itself to be... Oh, not you again…
Dimentio: It is, so deal with it. Where did I put my bag?
You mean your man-purse?
Dimentio: I'm gonna kill you.
Certain Death: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I GOT YOUR... er... man-purse-thing! Yeah...
Dimentio: What are you stealing it for anyway?
Certain Death: No idea.
Dimentio: Exactly. Now give it back.
Certain Death: NEVER!
Dimentio: Fine, it'll eat you.
Certain Death: Wha?
Then, Dimentio's man-purse (or traveling bag for you non-funny peoples) begins to eat Certain Death alive. This sentence does NOT sound right...
Certain Death: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S EATING MY LUNGS! GRACK...
Dimentio: Ahhh, the sweet sound of victory and the torture of an all-day sucker. And now I leave, ‘cause I wanna spy on Bleck and Nastasia again... IN LONDON! Ciao!
Dimentio blows several kisses towards the audience (obviously for the ladies) and leaves. He's so adorable... BUT! Back at da Flipside...
Peach: Strange... I kicked Mario and Bowser to Paraguay, and that Barry Pixl chased that green-robed dude over the horizon...
Tippi: And yet, we're all together.
Barry: Fate, perhaps?
Peach: I guess so...
Bowser: HEY! Enough seriousness! Let's break out the comedy!
Bowser begins to do the macarena, but he falls off the tower somehow.
Bowser: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Bowser smacks into the ground!
Bowser: ... I'M OKAY!
Tippi: That was pointless.
Peach: I know.
Merlon: Yo.
Tippi: Shut up.
Merlon: I see you have found the fourth Pure Heart. The next Heart Pillar is in the Flipside Outskirts. Pound the pillars with the down arrows on them to make the Heart Pillar materialize. Good luck, agents. This message will self-destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1-
Tippi: Agents? Wait, what?
*BOOM*
The "agents" fly to the Heart Pillar in the Flipside Outskirts due to Merlon's explosion. With luck, they land on the pillars with down arrows, and the Heart Pillar materializes.
Bowser: Oh man, we're GOOOOOOOOOOOOD.
They put in the Pure Heart, special effects happen, and they are teleported back to Flipside Tower.
Tippi: (singing) Merlon's gone, Merlon's gone, yay yay yay-
Merlon: Hi guys! Do you like my new Merlon-Bot 3000? He replaces me when I'm not available, and he talks like a spy!
With shock, Tippi slowly looks at Merlon, then at the flaming pile of debris (AKA the Merlon-Bot 3000), then looks back at Merlon again.
Tippi: ... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Peach hits Tippi with her flyswatter.
Peach: SHUT UP!
And so our heroes enter the green door. Whatever happened to the Survivors? Whatever happened to the Big Blooper if Thudley is with Mario and Co. now? Will Terry return? Why does Francis have a Starbucks in his den and a White Castle in his bathroom? Will Bleck and Co. successfully travel to London? Will Certain Death survive the wrath of Dimentio's man-purse?
Dimentio: He's dead. Urge to kill you rising.
Like a thermometer in boiling hot weather?
Dimentio: Exactly.
... *shies away from possible wrath* See the "answers" next time in Chapter 4 of Stupid Paper Mario!
Chapter 4: Things That NASA Didn't Show You (Outer Space, blockheads!)
Chapter 4-1
Bowser gasps!
Bowser: We're gonna spy on NASA?! COOOOOOOOOOOOL.
Peach: Bowser, where on PLIT would you find a NASA base?!
Bowser: There was one in Fahr Outpost.
Peach: THAT WAS A CARDBOARD CUTOUT!
Bowser: You lie.
Peach: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Mario: Look, I'm-a breathing in space!
Peach: But we can't-
Bowser slaps his hand over Peach’s mouth
Bowser: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Reality and NASA are on to us!
Peach: Since when did NASA and reality start suspecting us of breaking cosmic laws?!
Mario and Bowser: Since Plit existed! SHHHHHHHHHHH!
Tippi and Peach: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Suddenly, they see SOS signals.
Bowser: SOS signals...?
Mario: Quick, guys! Adventure's calling!
With Tippi's Disco Pointing Powers of MADNESS AND RIGHTEOUSNESS (They FINALLY used it! *busts a funky move* WOW), they find a small spaceship.
Tippi: Since when were my powersdisco-related?
Bowser: Since now!
Bowser looks at the spaceship.
Bowser: ... THIS is a spaceship? C'MON....
Squirps: Shut up, squirple. I had a bigger one, but I couldn't use it ‘cause I was grounded. Wait... I'M STILL GROUNDED?! GAH! I hate my life...
Bowser: Ha ha! Loser.
An asteroid comes along and hits Bowser.
Bowser gasps!
Bowser: OW! Wait... I KNEW it!
Everyone Else: Know what?
Bowser: The asteroid! It's a tracking device! NASA'S COMING TO SELL US TO SCIENCE!
Private Koopa: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!
Another asteroid hits Private Koopa in the face.
Private Koopa: OW!
Tippi: That's the stupidest thing I've ever-
Squirps gasps!
Squirps: You know of the evil NASA squog?!
Bowser: YES! They have been tracking us since the beginning of this adventure!
Squirps gasps again!
Squirps: Then they truly plan to tear us apart with their shiny science tools of death!
Peach: Sweetie, I assure you, Bowser is-
Some Astronaut: Uh, Mr. Houston, sir? We have a problem...
Bowser gasps!
Bowser: THEY FOUND US!
Squirps: QUICK! INTO THE SHIP IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!
Some Astronaut: Wait... HEY! That's the alien who stole our ice cream! AND THEY'RE BREAKING COSMIC LAWS!
Somehow, Mario and Co. jam themselves into Squirps’s spaceship, and they speed away.
Some Astronaut: Mr. Houston, sir! They're getting away!
Mr. Houston: Don't worry, Jimmy. The Squad will get them.
As if on cue, a squad of Reality Police/Astronauts speed past Jimmy, trying to catch up with Mario and Co. Poor Jimmy is knocked out of orbit, though...
Jimmy: Uh, Mr. Houston? It's getting warmer. Brighter, too...
Mr. Houston: Oh, don't worry about it, Jimmy old boy. It's probably those jalapenos in the sandwich you ate.
Meanwhile...
Bowser: THEY'RE GAINING ON US! GO FASTER!
Squirps: I CAN'T, SQUIRPLE! THE ENGINE WILL GO 'SPLODEY IF WE GO FASTER!
Mario: Like that?
Mario points to the back of the ship, which was blown off due to a scented laser shot by the Reality Police. Squirps gasps!
Squirps: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Squirps sniffs.
Squirps: AND IT SMELLS LIKE STRAWBERRIES! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Then, the small spaceship begins to dive.
The Heroes: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
Reality Police #1: Mission accomplished, Mr. Houston, sir!
Mr. Houston: Excellent job, men. Report back to the base so we can celebrate!
Reality Police Squad: YAY!
Then a small asteroid scrapes the ship, and the ship explodes.
Reality Police: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
As the Reality Police drift away, Mario and Co. smash through the Star Block and crash-land on a nearby planet. Ouch...
And now, the Broadshroom Stage would like to present:
Chapter 4-2: The Musical
Tippi: Ugh, my head hurts, Glad my wings didn't tear. That Pure Heart has to be somewhere out there.
Peach: Do you know where it is our lovely young Squirps? Where is our Pure Heart, our reward for hard work?
Squirps: The thing is, though... I don't know!
Everyone plus a choir: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Squirps: ... And now, I gotta go!
Squirps leaves.
Tippi: Grumble and grunt, I'm gonna beat up that runt!
Peach: Not today, we have to find info on the Space Byway!
So they walk to the bathroom, where Squirps is waiting impatiently outside.
Squirps: I'm gonna have an accident soon... IF HE DOESN'T GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!
???: No toilet paper here, amore! I wait 100 yeeears, amore! What for, what for, amore?
Bowser: GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE I SMASH YOU WITH THE DOOR!
Peach: Now Bowser, don't be rash. Let's find some toilet paper, and fast! Oh, and Mario's stuck under the spaceship door. Can you go help him, amore?
Bowser: OH GREAT, NOT YOU TOO!
That Atomic Boo from Chapter 2: Hang in there, baby, said the Atomic Boo! Ha ha ha!
He gets smashed by cosmic debris.
That Atomic Boo from Chapter 2: Ow...
So Peach dance through the stage successfully until...
Peach: Oh wow, look! A lovely home! Does a family live here, or is it home alone?
Alien #1: Hello, how are you today?
Peach: Friend, do you know about the Space Byway?
Alien #1: No I don't, but come inside!
Peach: Not now, and so I say, goodbye!
Peach dances off.
Alien #1: ... Dang. There goes my dinner...
At the second "lovely home"...
Peach: Hey! Do you know anything about the Space Byway?
Alien #2: No I don't, and get out of my home! I cast thee out, evil lawn gnome!
With his magical "casty" powers, he throws Peach across Planet Blobule, and she lands in front of the third "lovely home."
Peach: Oh, wretched alien who threw me from his home! I hate him so much I could hit him with my phone!
But I must press on, and leave the troubles of yesterday! Please let this alien know ANYTHING about the Space Bywaaaaaaay!
Peach enters the home.
Peach: Excuse me sir, is it OK to ask a question and sit on your hay?
Alien #3: Don't look so worried, everything's fine! So sit on some hay, along with your butterfly!
Tippi: Why don't I have a line-
Peach: Do you know anything, let's say... About the Space Byway?
Alien #3: Yes I do, ok? My name's Blappy, by the way. And I'll sell to you... The Space Byway's Ancient Clue!
Peach: Well, thanks- Wait. Sell?
Blappy: How about 1,000 coins, plus a shell?
Peach: The universe is going to end! How crummy! And all you care about is money!
Blappy: Darn! I guess you should know... It's me, Wario!
"Blappy" bursts out of his costume to reveal... Wario. Duh.
Wario: Ohhhhhhhhhhh, money money money! How I love money money money! So gold, so shiny in the rain!
So will you buy it, and reunite me with sweet coins? Sweet money, it's your group I will soon joiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!
Wario looks around to see that Peach and Tippi left (along with the Ancient Clue).
Goodstyle (from W:MOD): I say! You reek.
Wario: Shut up.
The table Wario is standing on collapses under his weight, and he falls.
Wario: Ow.
Back at the bathroom...
Peach: Joyous joyous news! I brought... er, paper! Now he can wrap up business, and leave the bath-
Peach stops to see the door of the outhouse ripped off, a Pixl smashed on the ground, a relieved Squirps, and Mario and Bowser fighting.
Peach: ... CAN WE GO NOW?!
Bowser, Mario, and Squirps: Yes Mom.
Peach: Grrrrrrrrrrr...
Fleep: At last, I'm free, amore! They gave me toilet paper, amore! Happiness galore, amore!
Peach: They gave YOU toilet paper? How rude! I've been searching everywhere for it, for you!
What did they use anyways?
Fleep: The Ancient Clue of the Space Byway!
Peach: WHAT?! I have the clue! Not them, not you! This isn't true!
Carrie: Girl, for goodness sakes, that Ancient Clue is a fake!
Peach: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... WARIO WILL PAY SOMEDAY!
Everyone Else: What?
Peach: Let's just go.
So they get to the Star Block and hit it. Unfortunately, when Bowser hits the ground, the rumble shakes the tree, and a hive full of intergalactic bees fall in his shell. Corny, but true.
Intergalactic Bees: You stole our candy bars! DIE!
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THE PAIN!
And this concludes Chapter 4-2: The Musical. Thank you for braving this cruddy musical. And stuff... Yeah.
Chapter 4-3
Bowser: PAIN. PAIN. PAIN.
Peach: SHUT UP! I'm mad at you.
Bowser: BUT WHYYYY?! I'm in pain, and all you care about is that stupid bathroom incident! I thought we were supposed to help each other through good times and bad times! I can't beli-
Unfortunately, the heroes ran into some Hedrons, and they fly across the area like pinballs.
The Heroes: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Luckily, they make it to some X... thing.
Bowser: Great. WHAT DO WE DO NOW?!
Mario: Ooh! Ooh! Maybe it's scratch-and-sniff!
Tippi sighs.
Tippi: MARIO-
Mario begins scratching at the X, and two pillars appear.
Mario: Mmm... Melon toast...
Tippi: ... I hate you.
Mario gasps!
Mario: Squirps! YOU'RE A KEY! The key to life, the universe, and everything!
Squirps gasps!
Squirps: For real squog?!
Tippi: You GUYS-
Mario jams Squirps into the keyhole facefirst, and a door appears.
Mario: SQUIRPS IS OUR SAVIOR!
Tippi: ... Curse you, Hedrons.
Hedrons: Anytime!
Tippi: !
On the other side of the door...
Tippi: Fleep, can you flip that-
Mario: SCRATCH!
Tippi: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Peach: Er... We have only ONE Squirps. How we're gonna open this door?
Bowser: With duct tape?
Peach: No.
Bowser: Darn.
Bowser begins to unwrap a Hershey's bar. Squirps gasps!
Squirps: CHOCOLATE!
Bowser: WHAT THE-
Squirps tackles Bowser, and eats his candy bar. In his hyperized joy, he splits in two, and jams himself into the keyholes.
Bowser: HEY! THAT'S MY CHOCOLATE, YOU LITTLE-
Peach grabs Bowser by the hair.
Peach: Let's go!
So they go in the next door and hit the Star Block.
Squirps: Uh, guys...?
Squirps Clone: I like chocolate tofu.
Squirps: Shut up.
Chapter 4-4
Bowser: Woah. Where are we? And why is the music so funky? I feel like dancin'!
Boomer: FINALLY! ANOTHER LINE! Er, I mean... Dang! I don't wanna go through all this! I wish something random would happen!
Nothing happens.
Boomer: Dang.
Bowser: We could use lots of dynamite to blow this place up-
Peach: IT WOULD TAKE FOREVER!
Bowser: Or... use this conveniently placed Super Paper Mario guidebook to get through here!
Note: They are using the official Super Paper Mario guidebook by Nintendo Power. Back to the story...
Peach: YES.
Bowser flips through the guidebook, then gasps.
Bowser: Guys! I figured out who's the REAL final boss! It's-
Peach grabs Bowser’s hair.
Peach: RUIN THE ENDING AND DIE!
Bowser: OWWW! OK! OK! I won't tell!
And so, the heroes travel through the Whoa Zone. Not peacefully, of course...
Mario: No, Bowser! We gotta go through the door with the K on it!
Peach: You idiot! They letter the doors so you'll know which point you go to next!
Mario: BUT IT HAS NO K!
Peach: ARGH!
In door... er, K, Bowser breaks open the chest on the ceiling somehow, but due to gravity the key is going upward. Bowser had a REAL hard time trying to get the key off the ceiling.
Bowser: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... C'MON, YA STUPID KEY!
Tippi: Bowser, THE GRAVITY OF THE KEY IS GOING UP! YOU CAN'T PULL IT OFF THE CEILING!
Bowser: So?
Tippi: ARGH!
And with his magic fingers, Thoreau grabs the key.
Thoreau: I'm alive again! Smashing!
Slim: (whispering to Fleep and Carrie) He doesn't watch TV!
Thoreau: I do now! I watch Dora the Explorer!
Everyone stares at Thoreau in horror.
Thoreau: ... What?
Bowser: Just... shut up.
So, in awkward and horrified silence, they get to the Save Block, save their game, and go through the next door, only to find...
Squirps: YOU'RE LATE!
Bowser gasps!
Bowser: The runt survived! Didn't we leave you to rot?
Squirps: Yeah, you did, but luckily I forgot that chocolate makes me, like, really fat, and I cracked the pillar open. Oh, and I exercised the fat off in five minutes.
Peach: Ok...
Squirps: And look, squirples! I have a twin brother now! Say hi, Peeps!
Peeps: Hi.
Tippi: Where's the Pure Heart?
Squirps: In the next room! But seriously, YOU'RE LATE! Now the cookies I've baked for you are gonna be-
Everybody turns around to the sound of munching behind them, to find a dude who looks like Luigi stuffing his mouth full of cookies.
Squirps: -cold.
Dude who looks like Luigi: Mmm... Chocolatey...
Bowser: HEY! Those are MY cookies, you jerkwad!
Peach: That's Luigi, you idiot.
Bowser: Oh.
Luigi: Luigi? Who's that? I'm... MR.L! *poses*
Bowser: Dude, the big text message in the sky said you're Luigi.
Mr. L: So?
Peach: Whatevs. C'mon, Luigi! We have to go places, you know. Stop wasting our time and quit fooling around!
Mr. L: Never! Why would I go with YOU guys? Every adventure, every hour, every DAY, I'm unappreciated and pushed around! AND I have to put up with idiots EVERY DAY! I'm TIRED of it! Plus, they have free doughnuts! Mmm... Doughnuts...
Mario: BLAHBLAHBOWHOOTZ!
Mario falls flat on his face.
Mr. L: Whatevs. And now, TO DESTROY YOU ALL! MUH HA HA HA HA-
Mr. L looks around to see that everyone left except for Mario.
Mr. L: ...I hate them.
Mario: WHOO-HOO!
Mr. L: And I hate you.
Meanwhile...
Peach: So you're a prince?
Squirps: Yup! My full name is Squirp Korogaline Squirpina!
Bowser: Ha ha! Your middle and last names sounds girly! Ha ha-
The golden statue of Queen Squirpina XIV (AKA Squirps's mom) zaps Bowser with her mighty rod.
Bowser: -ha. Ow...
Slim gasps!
Slim: She's alive, pard?!
Queen Squirpina XIV: Of course I am, you clod! Some idiot servant just covered me in gold, thinking it was mustard ‘cause it was April Fools Day at that time.
Squirps: So that means I'm ungrounded?
Mr. L then bursts through the wall with his robot, destroying the lovely walls.
Queen Squirpina XIV: ... One more week.
Squirps: Awwwwwwwww...
Mr. L: BEHOLD MY CREATION, MY REAL BROTHER, MY PARTNER! HIS NAME IS BROBOT!
Bowser: Dude, you totally ripped off Jimmy Neutron with that name.
Mr. L: DID NOT!
Queen Squirpina XIV: HEY! Get outta my house!
Mr. L: Or what, octopus lady?
Queen Squirpina XIV zaps Brobot, making it explode, and also zaps Mr. L. Oh, and she kicks him.
Mr. L: BUT YOU'RE A STATUE!
Queen Squirpina XIV: So?
Mr. L: ARGH! I HATE YOU ALL! I'LL BE BACK!
And so, Mr. L leaves by jumping really high and going through the ceiling. Which hurts.
Mr. L (far away): OW!
Queen Squirpina XIV: Bedtime, Squirps! And, er... other Squirps!
Squirps: But I'm not tired! AND I named him Peeps!
Queen Squirpina XIV: Do you want to be grounded for another week?
Squirps and Peeps: No.
Queen Squirpina XIV: Then go to bed! (to Mario and Co) Oh, and thanks for finding my... sons. Take this with you.
Queen Squirpina XIV gives Mario and Co. the fifth Pure Heart.
MARIO AND CO. GOT A PURE HEART! END OF CHAPTER 4! At *Marachi Band starts playing loudly*
Bleck: Yeah, but you didn't have to push him off the Eiffel Tower, you know.
Nastasia: Hey, he was asking for it, K?
Mimi: HE DUMPED ME! WHY DID YOU DUMP ME, DAN?! WHYYYYYYYY?!
Dimentio: ‘Cause A, you're ugly, and B, you're ugly. Oh, and you're a brat.
Mimi: YOU JERK!
Mimi dives at Dimentio, but he steps out of the way, and she lands on the next platform. Oh, and he poked her while she flew by.
Mimi: ARRRRRRRRRGH! YOU STAINED MY DRESS!
Dimentio: (eating French fries) So? It's just ketchup. Expensive, brand-name ketchup that costs, like, five dollars a bottle...
Mimi: BUT IT'S MADE OF EXPENSIVE FRENCH SILK!
Dimentio waves his bottle of expensive ketchup.
Dimentio: And this is made of home-grown tomatoes that didn't grow themselves! Like I care about your dress!
Mimi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I HATE YOU!
O'Chunks: Yay! I got to see me mum again! Nice to have home-made socks again...
Mr. L: Uh, yo?
Everyone keeps talking or arguing, and ignores Mr. L.
Mr. L: Yo?
They continue to ignore him.
Mr. L: YO!
Bleck: Wait, whuh? Oh yeah. The new guy.
Mr. L: Ya'll sound like you went on a vacation around the world or something!
Everyone else exchanges uncomfortable/shifty glances at one another.
Mimi: Vacation around the world? What makes you think that?
Mr. L points to a really, really small tag on Mimi's dress that says "MADE IN FRANCE. SOLD ONLY IN FRANCE. DUH."
Mimi: Great. NOW OLD DUDES HAVE SUPERVISION?! WHAT ELSE COULD GO WRONG?!
Dimentio rips the tag off of Mimi's dress. But due to the delicate fabric, a giant hole results from his quick thinking.
Dimentio: There. You saw nothing.
Mimi slaps Dimentio!
Mimi: YOU IDIOT! YOU COMPLETELY RUINED MY DRESS! YOU JUST LIVE TO RUIN MY STUFF, DON'T YOU?!
Dimentio: AND to insult you. Don't forget that.
Mimi: GAH!
Dimentio: ... Wait.
Dimentio looks into a random mirror and gasps.
Dimentio: You bruised my beautiful face, like a bully bruises a poor, innocent child! DIE.
Mimi: Bruised? Mo' like CRACKED eggface! Ha ha- Wait, what?
Dimentio begins to chase a screaming Mimi around the room, butcher knife in hand. Where did he get that anyways?
Mr. L: Don't care. No wonder you guys keep losing to those idiots. Ya'll fight too much.
Everyone Else: DO NOT!
Mr. L: Do too! And I'll never fight as much as- HEY! THAT'S THE HAMMER BRO WHO STOLE MY ICE CREAM! DIE!
Mr. L dives at Jonathan (remember him from Chapter 1?), who is sitting on a platform eating his ice cream. He successfully tackles him, and they both fall into the "abyss" below. Bleck gasps!
Bleck: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN, YOU EVIL PIT, YOU!
Mr. L: Dude. You HAVE a-
Bleck: SILENCE, YOU EVIL VOICES! Bleck can hear the voice of Mr. L now... It haunts Blecky Boy already! CURSE YOU, EVIL PIT!
Mr. L: But-
Bleck: CURSE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!
Mr. L: ... That's it, I'm gone. L-ater peoples.
He jumps through the ceiling.
Mr. L: OW!
Bleck gasps!
Bleck: DID YOU SEE THAT?! IT WAS THE GHOST OF MR. L! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Bleck faints.
Nastasia: Ugh, not again... O'Chunks, go and slow down the heroes. K? Thanks.
O'Chunks: But what about the-
Nastasia: HE'LL BE FINE! He's just having another... Blecky Moment here, K?
Dimentio: (sarcastically) He has so many of those moments that he licensed it? Wow.
Nastasia: Shut up.
O'Chunks: Oh really? Ok. CHUNKS AWAY!
O’Chunks jumps off the platform.
Bleck: ACK! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THEY GOT YOU AGAIN! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Bleck faints again.
Dimentio: ... His acting needs work. But I'm gone, like a hyperized Goomba that needs to go to the bathroom! Ciao, ya'll!
He disappears.
Mimi: HEY! What about me?! Can I do something? ‘Cause running away from that psycho clown kept me pretty busy...
Jonathan: How about shutting your trap, ya brat? Hey! IT RHYMED! Sweeeeeeeeeeeet...
Mimi: GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Prepare to die, blockhead!
Mimi turns into her spider form and begins to chase Jonathan, who is running away and eating Mr. L's ice cream.
Nastasia: ... I hate my life. If only I was that girl...
Bleck: MY ONE AND ONLY LOVE!
He faints AGAIN.
Nastasia: *sigh*
In Flipside...
Boomer: Dudes! Check it out! Our musical is in the paper!
Peach: Seriously?!
Boomer: Yeah! But we got lousy reviews...
???: "Lousy?" Mo' like the worst reviews ever, mon!
Bowser: THE WORST REVIEWS?! Oh C'MON-
???: Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, mon! The name's Norlem, and yes, my Jamaican accent is authentic! Me and Merlon are like brothers, mon! We like hip-hop, saving the world, Cheetos...
Peach: Why are you here?
Norlem: Simple. The chapter is taking WAY too long to finish, so I'll give you the Details, mon!
Peach: Kay! And where's Tippi?
Norlem: She fainted while you guys were looking through the newspaper, mon! She's resting at Merlon's house. And another thing, mon: The Heart Pillars in Flipside are all filled! You must place the remaining Pure Hearts in Heart Pillars in Flopside. I can teleport you to the next Heart Pillar in Flopside, but only this time, ‘cause I'm not visiting Flipside in every chapter due to some important things-
Peach: You're making it longer.
Norlem: Whatevs. Give me 300 coins, and I'll have Welderburg build a pipe that connects to Flopside for you.
Bowser: 300 COINS?! YOU-
Peach pays Norlem 300 of their 545 coins. In response, he sends them to the next Heart Pillar in Flopside.
Bowser: -JERK! Woah. This place is freaky! And why is the sky purple?
Peach: That's not the sky, that's the Void!
Private Koopa: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!
Bowser: WILL YOU GET OUTTA HERE?!
Private Koopa: Sorry, Your Gnarliness! I'm being paid big bucks to say that line!
Bowser: You're getting RICH just by annoying us with that?! No fair...
They put in the Pure Heart, special effects happen, and they are teleported back to the top of Flipside Tower.
Tippi: I'm back, and feeling better than ever!
The Heroes: So?
Tippi: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
And FINALLY, they enter the light blue door. Why was Squirps grounded in the first place? What happened to the Reality Police? Who ACTUALLY likes "Chapter 4-2: The Musical"? Why does chocolate makes Squirps fat? Will Mr. L fit in with Bleck and Co? Will Bleck ever figure out that he DOES have a floor? Will Jonathan and Jimmy survive?
Jonathan: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! EVIL POISON DEMON SPIDER!
Mimi: MIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMI-
Then, Jonathan and Mimi gets hit on the head by two scorching boots that seem to fall out of the... sun?
Jonathan and Mimi: OW!
Er... Read all about it in Chapter 5 of Stupid Paper Mario!