Act 1: In which Peach encounters a plot device and the fourth wall is shattered beyond economic repair.
Peach is walking down a street in Rogueport. She stops at a small curio stop, and sees a box.
Peach: Excuse me, miss, but what is this box?
Old Crone: Ah, that’s the box that has been passed down my family since 1456, the year when my family stole it from a bunch of primitive Goombas on a faraway island.
Peach: Were they cannibals?
Old Crone: Yes, lass. Everybody who lives on an island is a cannibal. Didn’t you watch Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Koopa’s Shell?
Peach: No.
Old Crone: Ah, we thank him for small mercies. And now, to start another sequel, you need to buy this box from me.
Peach: Okay. How much?
Old Crone: 599 Rogueport coins.
Peach grips Old Crone’s fingers.
Peach: (sweetly) How much, sorry? I didn’t quite hear.
Old Crone: For you, dear, I’ll knock it down to 300 Rogueport coins.
Peach grips Old Crone’s arm and Chinese Burns it until Old Crone faints.
Peach: But I killed her!
No, you didn’t. Didn’t you see the little sign? "Wild Old Crone appears!"?
Peach: Oh.
Peach takes the box and runs for the hills.
Peach: Now, how do you open this thing?
There is a sign on it saying "This box will open when the person who needs to open it opens it".
Peach: Great. Where’s Raimundo?
A boy runs on and grabs the box.
Raimundo: I want my friends, for an inadequately explored reason.
Raimundo attempts to open the box, but a sign comes up.
Raimundo: “Incorrect mode of entry. You have two more attempts, and then this box will self-destruct and take everything within a hundred-mile radius with it”?
For the convenience of the plot, Raimundo disappears in a puff of logic.
Peach: Wonderful. How else are you supposed to open this thing?
Some random space marine randomly runs on and attempts to chainsaw the box open. The box again fails to open, and the marine again disappears in a puff of logic. Lemmy, I used the word "random" twice in that sentence. By law, it must now by accepted.
Peach: Wait, I know.
Peach accesses the box’s memory bank and hacks it open by pressing random keys. Just like on Star Trek.
Peach: What’s this? A treasure map?
Map: The treasure
can only be found by he who knows where it is. LOL, t3h parad00x has pwned
u!
Peach: Does nothing
work these days?
Peach shakes the map.
Map: The treasure is at the X.
Peach: But this is a list of the contents of every website ever made! They’re ALL Xs!
Peach shakes the map again.
Map: Look, lady, I like this about as much as you don’t. Now let’s just say that there are six parts of this Hitler clone’s soul…
Peach: Stop *shake* messing *shake* me *shake* around! Once more and I burn you!
Map: Okay, okay. There was an ancient treasure, and seven things will let you find it!
Peach: You honestly expect me to believe something that cliché?
Map: No, it’s true! Seriously!
Peach: Okay, fine. Tell you what, I’ll send you to my hopeless suitor, Mario. He’s got no life, he’s sure to find you fascinating. Until then, though, mischief managed!
The map clears.
AGAHNIM KOOPA presents:
PAPER PARODY FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS WEBSITE OF LEMMY
Starring:
Mario Lemieux
as… oh, isn’t it obvious?
The Green Giant
as Luigi
Billie Piper
as Peach
The Mock Turtle
as Bowser
The Wizard of
Oz as Kammy
Gimli as Goombella
The Microsoft
Paperclip as Kooper
Fat Monica as
Flurrie
Scrappy Doo as
that annoying Yoshi
Some androgynous
person with an inferiority complex as Vivian
Captain Birds-Eye
as Bobbery
Minnie Mouse
as Ms. Mowz
Ernest Blofeld
as Grodus
Jack Spicer as
Lord Crump
The Golden Diva
as the Shadow Queen
Smaug as Hooktail
101 Oompa-Loompas
as the Puni
Jack Thompson
as Grubba
A ???? from Superstar
Saga as Doopliss
Davy Jones as
Cortez
A bird-flu virus
as Smorg
A Hungarian Horntail
as Gloomtail
And the contents
of every grave in Ohio retrieved and formed into the shape of a dragon
as Hooktail.
Grubba: A necromancy community? What’s next, a videogame community?
Thanks to Apple
Kid for allowing this travesty.
Act 2: In which, in a none-too subtle tribute (which here is really saying something) to Cardboard Mario, Mario sets out to Rogueport to recover The Weakest Link.
Mario is sitting in his house, watching the TV.
Robot on television: The oldest inhabitant of the Bosop Country is the face of what?
Girl: Bow, the Face of Bow!
The guy on television looks at the girl, surprised.
Robot: That is the correct answer.
Mario: This parody is completely wrong! I’m going to complain about it on my LiveJournal.
Mario turns the television off.
Mario: (typing) http://www.livejournal.com
Hang on, Mario. I can’t possibly read what you’re typing. The camera’s zoom isn’t strong enough. Besides, you’re breaking protocol.
Mario: Protocol?
A book drops onto the table from nowhere. It is titled Laws of Computing in Television and Film. Mario picks it up and reads the first page. It says, in size 144 print, “All text must be so large that a camera can pick it up.
See? You’re breaking protocol.
Mario: Fine.
Suddenly, a letter flies in through the slot.
Parakarry: Mail call!
Mario picks up the letter and opens it.
Mario: Make much more money using the Desert Land Pyramid Scheme?
Another letter comes through.
Parakarry: Sorry. That was for the Bandit next door. Here’s yours. Can I have that one back?
Mario: I haven’t got it.
Parakarry: Oh.
Parakarry flies off. Mario laughs.
Mario: Finally, a better way of making money. Now, what’s this one?
Mario opens the second letter.
Letter: Dear Mario, this is Peach. I have enclosed a map that has an annoying habit of answering back. If you can find the seven things it lists, then your chances of love will slightly improve. Yours parodically, HRH Princess Peach, Defender of the Mushroom.
Mario picks up the map.
Map: Look bub, I like you about as I liked all the people who tried to open me using chainsaws and the like. So I’d advise you to turn on the television.
Because Mario has nothing better to do than obey commands from random maps, he turns on the television.
Television: The princess has been kidnapped. The princess has been kidnapped.
Mario: The TV always does that. She always has been.
Mario changes the channel.
Reporter: Hello. Princess Peach has been kidnapped on her visit to the celebratory "I haven’t been kidnapped in the last 12 hours" party. Maybe the kidnapper just likes the irony. Anyway, despite the fact that we have no new leads, we are going to stay on this story for as long as it takes for something to happen that hasn’t been happening since 1981. This will probably destroy the company, but who cares? It advances the plot.
Mario switches stations, to watch The Weakest Link on another channel, but gets more coverage. He tries again, but to no avail. His panic mounting, he begins flipping through channels frantically, but all of them are covering the story.
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Mario jumps to his feet and begins pacing back and forth.
Mario: Okay, so every channel is covering Peach's kidnapping. As such, I can't watch The Weakest Link until the coverage ends. So, the fastest way to end the coverage is to...
Mario stops pacing, and shakes his fist at the roof. At this point, the police rush into the room and take Mario and the annoying omnipresent narrator into custody.
Police Officer: You’re both under arrest for plagarism.
Mario: CURSE YOU, COPYRIGHT LAWS!
As Mario is dragged
out, he smuggles a MailboxStation Portable into his pocket.
Act 3: In which Mario reaches Rogueport, Goombella escapes custody, and they meet a senile old man who plays himself, because other actors actually have dignity.
Captain of that tiny boat at the beginning: Rogueport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. You must be cautious.
Mario: Don’t you mean “We must be cautious?”
COTTBATB: No way! I’m out of here.
The tiny boat floats away.
Mario: Why does nobody swear in this place? It’s an evil town where the central attraction is the gallows. You’d think etiquette would be the least of their worries.
As Mario walks towards the stairs, he sees a scene developing
Goombella: Surely you’re not serious?
Lord Crump: I am serious! And don’t call me Shirley!
Goombella: You can’t kidnap me! I’m only a helpless girl!
Everybody around guffaws
Lord Crump: I’ve had enough of this! Crump-bots, attack!
The X-Nauts run on
X-Naut: Sir? We’re called the X-Nauts.
Lord Crump: I don’t care! Get her!
The X-Nauts attack Goombella
Lord Crump: NO! Not like that! You’re breaking protocol! You can only attack one at a time.
The X-Nauts line up. The first one aims a punch at Goombella, misses, and goes to the back of the line
Mario: I hate to break up the fun, but I sorta need to go that way.
Mario attempts to go up the stairs, but a foot-high fence has been put up
Lord Crump: Ha! Despite the fact that you are famed for jumping around the kingdom, it is impossible for you to jump over this small fence!
Mario: Darn you! Now I have to get involved in another moronic scene.
Mario attacks Lord Crump with his hammer
Lord Crump: When did you get that?!
Mario: 1996.
A random kid in a European Union T-shirt walks on
Kid: I DON’T REMEMBER THAT!
The kid walks off to the sound of the Psycho strings
Lord Crump: It makes very little difference! Come, Crump-bots! We shall retreat, and strike when they least expect it!
Lord Crump and the X-Nauts leave. Goombella hugs Mario, who is physically repulsed.
Goombella: Thank you for saving me. But-
Mario: If your next sentence contains the words “princess” and “castle”, leave.
Goombella: Actually, I was just asking who that guy is.
Hello. I’m the narrator
Goombella: Why don’t you use good old-fashioned script format?
Speech impediment
Mario: Do you have anything to do other than hang with me?
Look, it was either this or Golden Sun.
Mario: No, I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to this… What are you?
Goombella: I’m the bearded lady.
Mario: … Right. Anyway, do you recognize this map?
Goombella: OMG! It i5 teh map of pwning teh ancient times, l00l!
Mario: Sorry?
Goombella: That’s the map I’ve been searching for all this time.
Mario: How incredibly convenient that you just happened to be in the vicinity when I arrived.
Goombella: Yes. Yes, it is. Anyway, we should probably go meet the professor.
Mario and Goombella walk to the professor’s house
Mario: Where is he?
Goombella: Well, if he’s not here, he’ll probably be in the car park of the mall.
They go there
Mario: This is a very boring section.
Professor Frankly: Wahoo! Good to see you!
Professor Frankly is standing underneath a doomship
Professor: I have just finished creating the most amazing device in Shroomish history. I call it the flux capacitator!
Goombella: Professor, we need to know what this map means.
The professor looks at the map
Professor: Why, this is the map to the Thousand-Minute Door!
Mario: Minute?
Professor: Yes. Once the box containing the map is opened, you only have 16 hours and 40 minutes to collect all the things.
05:23:54
05:23:53
05:23:52
Mario: Why is it at five hours?
The player got caught up in side-quests
Goombella: But there are no side-quests? What does he think this is, Elder Scrolls?
Professor: We ought to go down to the door! We can go… in this!
Mario, Goombella, and the professor get into the doomship and fly down into the sewers. By a horrible coincidence, it happens to go at 88 mph.
Professor: Well, here we are at last.
Goombella: That took a while. How much time have we got, Mario?
16:40:00
16:39:59
16:39:58
Mario: It reset.
Professor: Oh, DAD. We must have gone back in time. Oh, all for the good.
The professor takes the map and stands in front of the door
Professor: Let’s see, how do we get in?
The professor touches the door, and a notice appears
Professor: “You need the blue key”?
Mario: Oh, just ignore it. But where is the first thing we need to find?
Mario snatches the map from the professor and stands on the podium. The podium flies into the sky, and lands on a mysterious island
James Bond: Hello. I am the ghost of the Diamond Star.
Mario: Why?
James Bond: (in a disturbing falsetto) Diamonds are forever…
Mario: Right.
James Bond: You need to go to Petalburg and Captain Hooktail Castle. There, you’ll find a dragon. Kill it and you’ll get the Star. Get all seven Stars and the door will open. Of course, you’ll need some help. Someone’ll be along in a minute.
Q enters
Q: Hello, old bean.
James Bond: Q’s been addled a bit from his time in the Beanbean Kingdom. Addresses everyone as “bean” now.
Q: Now, I gather that you’re going to have to recover the Diamond Star. Devilishly tricky business. But I’ve put together a few gadgets. Now, this first one is a very useful trinket. Lets you metamorph yourself in a paper airplane. Should prove handy. The second is something else; lets you become paper-thin. And, lastly, this one should save your neck a few times, and that’s literal; it’s a gorget, wear it around the neck and beheadings will become near-impossible. That dragon’s claws are sharp; don’t want any unnecessary death.
Q presents Mario with two pieces of paper and a steel neck collar.
Mario: Thanks.
James Bond: Now, back you go. Oh, and hurry up!
The podium returns to in front of the door
Goombella: Mario! What did you find out?
Mario: We need to go to Captain Hooktail Castle, which is near the fortified castle-town of Petalburg.
Goombella: Who writes this?
Professor: I’m afraid I can’t go with you. I need to stay here and make sure that, if you fight a guy you know nothing about, I send a Boo to collect the data and dispose of it.
Mario: What an odd hobby.
Professor: Quite. Well, I’m off.
Goombella: Wait! What if we meet ourselves and, I dunno, accidentally kill them?
Professor: Don’t.
The Professor gets back in the ship and flies out. Mario and Goombella walk to the sewers.
Mario: The odd thing is that I’m the only person who can jump this well. So I’m not sure how everyone else is meant to get to Petalburg.
Goombella: This is Petalburg. Ever since MMII and the Petalburg Wall, they’ve been a secluded bunch.
While trying very hard not to offend any other group, Mario accidentally steps on a tentacle. A Blooper emerges. Suddenly, for absolutely no reason, all three combatants are transported to a stage.
Mario: Is this just a graphical flourish, or are they just trying to break the fourth wall?
Goombella: In this story, we’ve effectively launched a nuke at the fourth wall.
Blooper: Wie dich wagen, auf mich zu treten? Jetzt sollst du bestraft werden!
Mario: Why is the Blooper speaking Babelfished-
Goombella: NO! We can’t explicitly say what we’re parodying!
Goombella drags
Mario along and down the pipe to the fields of Petalburg.
Act 4: In which Mario and Goombella meet an idiot and several vampires. They then prepare to storm Captain Hooktail’s Castle.
Mario and Goombella arrive in the fields of Petalburg, where the horizon is a storm-tossed ocean with a floating castle.
Goombella: This place is weird.
Mario: You can say that again. We’re right next to the sea, but there’s no sand or pebbles.
Suddenly, without warning, the grass below their feet turns into rock.
Goombella: Well done.
Mario: Sorry.
Goombella and Mario begin walking towards Petalburg. On the way…
Mario: What are these random pillars doing here?
A Monty Mole burrows out of the ground
Mole: Those are chimneys. Chimneys.
The Mole digs back in.
Mario: Oh.
When Mario and Goombella reach the village, they find it locked.
Goombella: Wonderful. How do we get in?
Over the top of the fence, they see a Koopa.
Koops: Hello. It looks like you’re having trouble with breaking into a fortified town. Would you like some help?
Mario: Yes.
Koops: Okay. Where would you like to put the sender address?
Mario: Sorry?
Koops: Where would you like to put the sender address?
Goombella: No, we don’t want to do that. We want to get into Petalburg.
Koops: Where would you like to put the sender address?
Mario: Why are you saying that?
Koops: This is the Letter Magikoopa.
Mario: What other Magikoopas do you have?
Koops: Answer Magikoopa, Document Magikoopa, Leaflet Magikoopa, Evil Overlord Magikoopa…
5 hours later…
Koops: Bricklaying Magikoopa, Legal Pleading Magikoopa, Bribery Magikoopa, Blackmail Magikoopa, Extortion Magikoopa, and Breaking into a Satirical Beach Town where an evil Pirate Captain Dragon lives on a Ship and Terrorizes the Town Folk Magikoopa.
Mario: We choose that one.
Koops: Okay. Where would you like me positioned?
Goombella: Just on the other side of that gate.
Koops: Okay. What would you like me to do next?
Before either of the smart ones can say anything, the gate opens and a Magikoopa walks out.
Magikoopa: Good morning.
Mario and Goombella sneak in and begin to pummel Koops.
Koops: I am happy that I have managed to help you.
Mario: What do you mean, you smeghead? You didn’t help us. That Magikoopa did.
Koops: Do you mean the Breaking into a Satirical Beach Town where an evil Pirate Captain Dragon lives on a Ship and Terrorizes the Town Folk Magikoopa?
Goombella: You know what? Yes. We mean that.
Koops: I am happy that I have managed to help you.
Mario, Goombella, and Koops look around the town. Most of the buildings have got thatched roofs, and the largest building is a castle. The trio-
Mario: Trio?
Fine. The duo and the hanger-on-
Koops: Excuse me, sir, but who is the hanger-on?
The duo and the hanger-on enter the castle. Inside, they find a fat, blind, old Koopa. He really doesn’t have much going for him.
Kroop: What do you want from me?
Mario: Your money or your life.
Kroop: Life! Life! Oh, for the love of DAD, take my life!
Goombella: Not yet. First, we want to reach Captain Hooktail’s Castle.
Kroop: Ooh, that’s a nasty business, little miss. The ship comes to port every year when we attach a sacrifice to the chimneys. The only other way to summon him is to send out smoke.
Koops: User, why does he not fly?
Kroop: Because he’s fat, he’s fat, he’s really really fat. Don't you call him pudgy, portly, or stout. Just now tell me once again who's fat?
Mario: Eh?
Kroop: Seriously. Who was I calling fat?
Goombella: So we can just light the fire?
Kroop: NO! If there’s a false alarm, he’s promised to massacre the entire town. You’d need to pretend to be sacrifices.
Koops: So the other Users and I need to light the chimneys.
Kroop: Oh, yes. But you can’t. They don’t work. You’d need to find a stone of Ice and Fire.
Mario: Where is it?
Kroop: Well, you’d need to find the Fire Stone and the Ice Stone, and then get George R. R. Martin to fuse them.
Goombella: So where are the Stones?
Kroop: In the vampire caves. They’re just to the east of town. But the gate’s locked. You’d need to get the key.
Koops: Where is the key?
Kroop: I have it. But it’s in a chest, and I’ve lost the key. You’d need to find that key.
Mario: Where is it?
Kroop: Well, I think I dropped it down one of the chimneys. You’d need to use smoke to force it out.
Mario: There’s a hole in his head, dear ‘Bella, dear ‘Bella, there’s a hole in his head, dear ‘Bella, a hole.
Mario knocks Kroop out, finds the chest, and smashes it. Two keys fall out.
Kroop: (waking up) Oh! I must have locked the key inside the chest.
Koops: How?
Luckily, Kroop takes this time to pass out.
Mario: Well, we’ve got the key.
Mario, Goombella, and the irritant leave the house and head to the gatekeeper.
Gatekeeper: You need the paradoxical key.
Goombella: We have the paradoxical key.
Gatekeeper: You may pass.
The gatekeeper allows the duo through
Gatekeeper: Sorry, Koops. You’re not allowed through the metal detector.
Koops changes from a clip to a cat
Gatekeeper: Go ahead.
Koops walks through and turns back into the clip.
Mario: How on earth did you do that?
Koops: It is part of my programming, User.
Mario: Fine.
The pseudo-trio walks down the path, fighting enemies. They eventually find a Bristle.
Goombella: What are you?
Bristle: I’m a Bristle.
Mario: And you’re spiky, you can’t be hammered, and your Defense is 4.
Bristle: Yes…?
Mario: Why is your species not dominant? If you can’t be touched by conventional weaponry and you’re strong, what’s to stop you from conquering the world?
Goombella: This.
Goombella hits a POW Block, and the Bristle dies
Mario: WHAT? Hitting a random block shakes the ground and knocks things out? What use is a species that falls over and can’t get up?
Mario, Goombella, and the metamorphic Koopa reach the fortress, where a stone Thwomp stands over a trapdoor.
Thwomp: To get through, you must answer my questions.
Mario: I DON’T THINK SO!!!
Mario pulls out a POW Block and hits it. Nothing happens
Mario: What happened?
Thwomp: Since you mentioned that the logic behind the POW Block is awful, they are now absolutely ineffectual.
Mario: How do we beat Bristles then?
Thwomp: The Dunkirk way. Running.
Goombella: Fine. Let’s answer your questions.
For no reason other than to invoke memories of the quizzes from Paper Mario, the stage turns into a quiz show.
Thwomp: Okay, Mario. This is a very big decision. Which of these 22 boxes do you want to pick initially?
Mario: Box 8.
Mario takes Box 8 and puts it beside him.
Thwomp: Okay, this is how it works. You pick five boxes, and each one contains a question. You need to get all of them right; if you don’t, we’ll do more rounds. You have three lifelines: 50:50, Phone a Friend, and Ask the Audience. At the end of the round, the banker will ring with which box he thinks is the weakest link. That box will be eliminated. Understand? At the end, you’ll have the choice of keeping that box or swapping it.
Mario: Why would I want to, if they all contain questions?
Thwomp: They contain questions and money.
Mario: Okay. I pick Box 15.
Thwomp: Okay, on Box 15 is Bowser. How do you know Bowser?
Mario: Oh, we graduated together in college.
Thwomp: Okay, Bowser, open the box and read the question.
Bowser’s not there. Koops has to get up and open the box himself.
Koops: “In a survey of 100 LL Users, what are the three funniest things in this parody?”
Mario: Oh, God. Goombella?
Goombella: I’d say Microsoft Office Paperclip being mocked would be one. There’s probably a load of readers that have had problems with their computers.
Koops: What is this Microsoft Office Paperclip?
Goombella: I’d say the cast list was one of them, as that’s got enough parodies that everyone’s bound to be amused by at least one of them.
Mario: Okay. And for the last one?
An inexplicable boy in a European Union T-Shirt appears.
Boy: I ENJOYED WRITING THE HOLE-IN-THE-BUCKET SKETCH!
The boy walks off to the sound of the Psycho strings.
Mario: Thwomp… What’s your name?
Thwomp: Chris Tarrant Edmonds Robinson Dennis.
Mario: Okay Chris, we’re saying the three funniest things are the Paperclip, the cast list ,and the hole-in-the-bucket sketch.
Thwomp: That is… correct!
Goombella: Really? What were the chances that we’d get the exact right sketches out of all the ones available?
Koops: Low.
Mario: I pick Box 22.
Koops: “In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, on what page does Harry die?”
Mario: YOU CAN’T SAY THAT! YOU’VE SPOILED IT FOR ME NOW!
The EU boy appears again
Boy: DON’T WORRY, FOLKS. I HAVEN’T READ IT YET. I’M JUST TAKING A STAB IN THE DARK.
He walks off to Psycho strings.
Mario: Thanks. So how do we answer the question?
Thwomp: Your new question is; Who said the quote in the box?
Koops: “You’re the man now, dog!”
Thwomp: Aha! Caught you! With Sean Connery! Finding Forrester, yes indeed.
Mario: You didn’t give us time!
Thwomp: Fine. At this exact moment, how many people are reading this? I’ll give you a margin of 10.
Mario: 10!
Thwomp: You are just right!
Goombella: 10 above or 10 below?
Thwomp: I’ll let the author worry about that.
Mario: I’ll take Box 13 please, Chris.
Koops: “True or false: It is possible to unlock Sonic, Tails, Mr. Game and Watch, and Toad in SSBM.”
Goombella: Hang on. That’s cheating! No matter what we say, you can say we’re wrong.
Thwomp: I need an answer.
Mario: Then we say True for MGAW, and False for the others.
Thwomp: Is that your final answer?
Goombella: Yes! Stop killing time!
Thwomp: Correct! I’m going to make this next question impossible.
Mario: How do you know which one we’re going to pick?
Thwomp: I took lessons with Derren Brown.
Mario: Box 18.
Koops: “Complete the following lyrics. I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad, I got sunshine in a bag, and I’m useless…”
Mario: You know, Chris, I think it’s time we used one of our lifelines. Let’s try Phone a Friend.
Thwomp: Certainly. Who would you like to phone?
Mario: Peach.
The phone rings, and Peach picks up
Peach: Hello?
Thwomp: Hi Peach. This is Who Wants to Deal the Weakest Family Feud? Your friend Mario’s here and he’s doing rather well, but he needs your help. The next voice you’ll hear is Mario’s. You have 30 seconds, good luck. Your time starts now.
Mario: Peach, complete the following song line-
Peach: Mario! I know where I am! I’m on the moon!
Mario: Stop talking about yourself! Goombella, what song is this?
Goombella: Clint Eastwood, I think.
Mario: I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad, I got sunshine in a bag, and I’m useless…
Peach: Mario! You need to rescue me! There’s a computer here, and I can get Internet access, but it’s dial-up! Oh, you idiot! I was going to get vital information, but the phone’s stopped it.
Mario: I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad, I got sunshine in a bag, and I’m useless…
Peach: Mario! Save me!
Mario: 4,691 irradiated haggis. No, sorry. I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad, I got sunshine in a bag, and I’m useless…
Peach: (in a horrible voice) But not for long, my future, it’s coming on.
Mario: Cheers, sweetheart.
The phone hangs up
Goombella: The Beanstar chose her?!
Mario: Chris, you heard.
Thwomp: Peach has saved your butts, guys. You have to answer one more question.
Goombella: Box 5.
Koops: “Why is a raven like a writing desk?”
Mario: Oh, that’s easy. Because Poe wrote on both.
Thwomp: Correct.
Reality dissolves, and the Thwomp slides back on wheels.
Mario: Hang on. Couldn’t we have pushed him?
The pseudo-trio climb down into the sewers
Mario: Vampires?
Goombella: Yes.
A bat emerges and turns into a Toad. The floor on which the four are standing sinks into the ground, and they emerge on a stage.
Mario: That explains a lot.
Vampire: I vant to suck your blood!
The vampire runs over to Koops
Goombella: Idiot. Koops’s a paperclip.
Koops: Do you not like my paperclip form, User? I can change.
Koops changes into a dog. The vampire bites him
Koops: Ow. User, was I… of… assistance?
Koops turns into a bicycle, and rides into the distance
Mario: NO, KOOPS!
Goombella: Why do we care? He was an annoying character with no real purpose!
Mario: *sniff* Exactly! He could have had his own spinoff series! Koops’s Island, Koops’s Story, Koops Touch and Go, Koops’s Universal Gravitation…
Goombella: Okay, but there’s still this vampire to deal with.
Mario runs up to the vampire and hits it on the head multiple times with the hammer. It dies.
Goombella: Mario! How did you do that?
Mario: Limit Break.
The platform takes them back to the caves, and they run along and find both the Ice and the Fire stones. However, as they reach the pipe to go back up, something unexpected happens.
Dracula: Hello. I am Count Dracula of Petalsilvannia. I am here to suck the blood of both you and your little friend here.
Dracula emerges with four other vampire Toads.
Mario: So who are your friends?
Dracula: Darren. Nosferatu. Sanguini. And one of those random vampire chicks that erotic horror uses.
Nosferatu: How you?
Mario attacks Dracula.
Dracula: Enough of this! Darren, attack him!
Darren: No! Despite the fact that I have made this pact and will otherwise die, I refuse to attack another human being!
Dracula: I’m going to do what you deserve.
Dracula kills Darren. Mario runs up and kills Sanguini and the chick. It’s almost as if they were there for no reason other than to provide parody.
Dracula: No! My beloved vampire legions! Who will defend me from the werewolf now?
Dracula runs up to Mario and bites his neck.
Mario: Neck brace, dork.
Mario and Goombella
use the pipe, leaving Dracula lying on the floor with his teeth broken.
Act 5: In which Mario and Goombella, after “lamenting” the death of Koops, fight Captain Hooktail. Also, the act announcements will now contain adverts. Behold! The silliest family tree you’ve ever seen!
Mario: Hey, Goombella. What can you actually do?
Goombella: Well, I can jump on people. I can run up to them and hit them with my axe. Oh, and I can look in my encyclopedia of archaeology and find information on pretty much anything, even enemies that we haven’t seen in millions of years. It’s all in here.
Mario: Can you look up Captain Hooktail in there?
Goombella goes into a stupid mini-game where she looks through her encyclopedia. You don’t get that in Chrono Trigger, folks!
Goombella: Ah, here we go. This was translated from Shroomish, but for some reason it came out in English song. I dunno what the chances of that were.
Goombella clears her throat, and starts to sing.
Goombella: HOOKTAILLLLLLLLLLLL! HOOKTAILLLLLLLLLLLL! Hooktail was a man! I mean, he was a dragon-man! Well, maybe he was just a dragon. But he was still HOOKTAILLLLLLLLLLLL! Burninating the countryside, burninating the peasants! Burninating all the people in their thatched-roofs COTTAGESSSSSSSSSSS! THATCHED-ROOF COTTAGESSSSSSSS! And the Hooktail comes in the NNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Mario: Who wrote that?
Goombella: Someone called “Strong Lad” or something.
Mario and Goombella reach the chimneys, and place the stone of Ice and Fire on them. They begin emitting smoke.
Castle Ship: THANK YOU FOR OFFERING YOURSELF AS A SACRIFICE. CAPTAIN HOOKTAIL IS ALWAYS HAPPY TO HELP THE SUICIDAL. PLEASE WAIT FOR THE SHIP TO DOCK, AND THEN CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE TALLEST TOWER.
The ship sails and docks next to the chimneys. Mario and Goombella climb aboard.
Mario: That music is really, really unsettling.
Goombella: We are going to fight an evil dragon. Do you think that appropriate?
Mario: Oh, I adore that song.
The boy in the European Union T-Shirt appears
Boy: BUY ALL OF DAFT PUNK’S ALBUMS TODAY!
He disappears to the Psycho strings.
Goombella: I’m seriously beginning to wonder about the structural integrity of the fourth wall.
Mario and Goombella walk to the base of the tallest tower
Mario: Why do villains always live at the top of the tallest tower? It’s easiest to attack, and is a nightmare for security.
Goombella: He’s trying to compensate for something.
Mario and Goombella find a lift and press the button for the evil lair of eviltude.
However, at Floor 6, the lift stops
Mario: Do NOT tell me that we’re having an adventure in a lift. What is this, new Doctor Who?
The door opens.
Ms. Mowz: Excuse me. What level are you headed?
Goombella: Floor 9.
Ms. Mowz: Oh, sorry. I’m headed down.
Ms. Mowz presses the button for Floor 5. The elevator goes down. That’s right, folks, a standard elevator conversation in a parody fan fic! I must be getting old
Ms. Mowz: So, what are you doing here?
Goombella: We’re here to kill a dragon and find a Star, which is the first of seven items that will allow us to open the Thousand-Year Door, containing an ancient treasure.
Ms. Mowz: Oh? My motives are a lot simpler. I’m here to nick things.
Mario: So why are you not wanting to find the ancient treasure?
Ms. Mowz: I’ve read this story before. It turns out to be a Dried Mushroom.
There is an ominous cracking sound. This is ignored
Goombella: Oh? If you know what happens, can you give us some pointers for the Hooktail fight?
Ms. Mowz: Don’t lose that neck brace. You’ll need it later. Chekhov mean anything to you?
Mario: No.
Ms. Mowz: Look him up. Oh, and when he attacks Goombella here, aim for the horns.
Ms. Mowz gets out, and the elevator goes back up
Goombella: That’s nice.
The elevator stops on the top floor, and the duo get out. They find a dragon standing there, with a stupid hat and a hook for a tail.
Captain Hooktail: Hello, emos. Just walk in front of me and I’ll put you out of your misery. Maybe you want to share a final kiss?
Goombella: No, thanks.
Mario is sick on the ground.
Captain Hooktail: Hey, a lot of couples want to do that.
Mario: Actually, we’re here to kill you and steal your valuables.
Captain Hooktail: What a heroic thing to do!
Goombella: Clearly, he is a role model for children everywhere.
Captain Hooktail: Hey, a lot of couples try that as well.
Mario: Yes, but we’re the main characters.
There is a much louder crack. Once again, it is ignored.
Captain Hooktail: Try it if you dare!
Mario runs towards Hooktail and turns into the plane, which impales him.
Captain Hooktail: Nice try, but I’m made of something much stronger than paper. I’m made of cardboard!
Goombella: Mario! It’s hopeless! Cardboard has defense of 10! We can’t touch it!
Mario: So how can we fight him?
Goombella: I don’t know. But if we don’t figure out a way to hurt him, this story will be over far too quickly.
There is a loud cracking sound. Mario looks around.
Mario: What is that?
Goombella: It’s the fourth wall! It’s cracking for all the damage we’ve done to it!
It cracks again.
Mario: What if we brought the roof down on Hooktail?
Goombella: It would take away 18 of Hooktail’s 20 HP.
There is an almighty crack.
Mario: Right. We have a plan.
Goombella: So, Mario, who’s your favorite character here?
Crack.
Mario: Probably that kid that comes in and gives random messages.
Crack. The boy comes in.
Boy: I’M HAPPY TO HELP OUT!
CCCCCRRRAACKKKK!
Boy: I’M ALMOST AT 6,000 WORDS!
There is another massive crack. As the boy leaves to the strings, there is another crack.
Captain Hooktail: STOP! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE’RE IN A STORY?
Another crack; there is a loud rumble.
Captain Hooktail: Please! Don’t kill me. Have mercy!
Mario: You, my good friend, have been hoist by your own petard.
Goombella: Maybe you don’t get that reference. It comes from Shakespeare, who lives on the other side of that wall there, the one with all the cracks in it.
There is a tremendous crash, and the fourth wall shatters. The roof falls on Hooktail, which leaves him nearly dead.
Captain Hooktail: Well, at least that’s over. And you didn’t use the sound of a n00b against me.
There is yet another rumble, and thousands of tourists suddenly flood into the castle
n00b 1: l00l, H00kta5l!
n00b 2: how i mine 4 fish?
n00b 3: I find this fanfiction offensive!
Hooktail keels over, and the fourth wall mends itself. The tourists are sucked back into their reality. Hooktail retches, and a Koopa emerges
Koopa: Hello. What happened?
Mario: I don’t know.
Koopa: Is my son here?
Goombella: No. A vampire killed him.
Koopa: Koopy the vampire slayer is what I shall become!
Mario: You do that. Did you see a star in there?
Koopy the Vampire Slayer: Yeah, sure. Here, take it. It’s not going to fend off a vampire, is it? Only a cross can do that.
Mario: Why, you racist git?
Koopy runs off. Mario picks up the Star.
Narration: AND SO MARIO WON. SORRY, MARIO, BUT YOUR PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CUTSCENE.