Chapter 7: Nothing to hide. Except for that thing I needed to hide… Forget I said that. Wow, this is a long chapter name.
There is a river running, with the chapter’s unbelievably long name showing.
Dimentio: -And that’s why you should stop asking your local neighborhood clown/jester thing to entertain you or you’ll die.
Hammer Bro. Patient: I bet you made that up!
Dimentio: ARE YOU QUESTIONING YOUR DOCTOR?!
HBP: Eep! NO!
Dimentio: Good, like a kid when he gets his cookie. Oh, and I can fly.
HBP: To avoid getting my breathing devices taken away again, I’ll take your word for it.
Dimentio: Aww, I wanted to show you!
Dimentio then wakes up in his bed. Note the purple and yellow pajamas and the fact he still has his hat on. The doorbell rings and he opens it to find Bob, who looks like he was crying.
Bob: Elliot, do you have any onions? My cousin and I are trying to figure out who can chop more onions!
Dimentio: No. And my name’s not Elliot!
Bob: That reminds me, there’s something wrong with my dad.
Dimentio: I had a dream about him!
Bob: No one cares. And why was my dad a Hammer Bro in your dream?
Dimentio: I had too much chicken before bed. Wait, how’d you know about my dream?
Bob: Magic.
Meanwhile, Mimi opens her front door to find Boshi.
Boshi: I found the tape!
He pulls out a piece of scotch tape that’s been used so much it can’t possibly stick to anything more.
Boshi: The tape I used to fix my paper cutout egg in Kindergarten! Good times… That reminds me, I also found the tape! The one that we lost!
Mimi: Where was it?
Boshi: I had to wrestle Twink for it. He cheats!
Mimi: Stop whining! How’d he steal it?
Boshi: Oh, he didn’t, he found it after it was lost.
Inside, Cackletta is walking down the stairs, holding Captain Gills in his fishbowl. Captain Gills is wearing a golden necklace with giant letters (C, G) on it, holding him down. He’s also wearing a rapper hat.
Boshi: Hi, Mrs. Gadd! Hi… Captain Gills?
Cackletta: Your dad is gone and I’ll be at the Fish Show until seven, so you’ll be in charge of Green Shy Guy until we’re back. Even though he doesn’t pay attention to you.
Green Shy Guy enters. He drops a glass of milk on the ground. Cackletta’s so mad she gets all big like when Mario and Luigi fought her in Woohoo Hooniversity.
Cackletta: (demonically) JUST FOR THAT, YOU MUST BOTH HELP ME GET CAPTAIN GILLS INTO THE CAR!
Mimi: Why me? I didn’t do it!
Cackletta: (back to normal) The script calls for it. Oh wait, the script calls for just Mimi.
Mimi: No fair!
As they go, Green Shy Guy finds the tape and pockets it. Meanwhile, Princess Shroob is still unconscious in her room. She suddenly wakes up, unties her arm tentacles, and reverts back to her normal self that we’ve grown to know and love to hate. Except she doesn’t have her gloves. She starts frantically searching through the house.
Princess Shroob: WHERE IS HE?! WHERE IS HE?!
Princess Shroob turns the whole house upside down, so to speak. The whole time she’s deathly worried. Finally, she finds him under the bed in Shroob’s room. She starts tearing up.
Princess Shroob: There you are! I’ve been worried sick! But now I don’t have to worry!
Virtual Pet: Bark!
Princess Shroob: Whew! Glad to see you’re okay. Oh, I should probably find Shroob, too.
She looks around and can’t find him. Meanwhile, Toad gets ready for work. Meanwhile, Dry Bones knocks on Princess Shroob’s door. She opens it.
Princess Shroob: IF YOU’RE ANOTHER GIRL SCOUT, SO HELP ME-
Dry Bones: It’s me, dunce.
Princess Shroob: Oh.
He comes in.
Dry Bones: Wow, this place is a MESS! I mean, seriously! It’s even worse than Wario’s place!
Princess Shroob: I was searching for Hector, my virtual pet!
Dry Bones: Oh, that’s okay then. Is something wrong?
Princess Shroob: Tatanga got Shroob.
Meanwhile, Bob is looking through a sketchbook in Vincent’s room, and Dimentio enters.
Dimentio: The landlord Shy Guy says that Vincent took all his paintings and left. Then he said it again a few times until I blasted him out the window.
Bob: Did you know he was leaving?
Dimentio: (Uh oh! Lie!) No. (Whew.)
Bob: I feel like everyone around me is leaving me! You won’t leave me, will you Angela?
Dimentio: THAT’S NOT EVEN A BOY’S NAME!!!
Bob: Oh, I’m sure it is in SOME circles…
Dimentio: IT. IS. NOT! Anyway, there is a painting that I need to get from you. Do you have it?
Bob: I sold it to a guy named Don Pianta in Gritzy Desert.
Meanwhile, Dimentio’s Mom and Bleck walk into the living room of Castle Bleck.
Dimentio’s Mom: Is that really the best way you could spend Don Pianta’s campaign money?
Bleck: Mrs. Nolastname, please just stop nitpicking. Why are you even here?
Dimentio’s Mom: Dimentio wanted me to retrieve his Wii Zapper that he left here last time you had a party.
Bleck: Okay.
He holds out two patterns to his wife, Tippi. Near her are their sons, Teck and Bleck Jr. Bleck Jr. resembles a smaller Bleck, but dressed in normal clothes. Teck is a rainbow-colored Pixl that resembles a caterpillar. Anyone who gets the joke about what Teck looks like gets a cookie.
Tippi: I like the left one. It’s shiny!
Bleck: Dang it! Fine, I’ll print that one.
Dimentio’s Mom: You know, Kylie Koopa escaped from my son’s dimension, but she forgot everything. She says that the Koopa Kronicle wants to do an article on you!
Bleck: What if they want something? I like what I have! Oh, and I guess my wife and kids too. And maybe my minions.
Tippi: Get over it.
Bleck: Fine.
Dimentio’s Mom: Good, she’ll be here in an hour.
Bleck: YOU ALREADY OKAYED HER BEFORE MY APPROVAL?! THAT’S THE KIND OF THING YOU SHOULD DO TO DIMENTIO, NOT HIS BEST FRIEND!
She backs up from the table, revealing she’s in a wheelchair.
Dimentio’s Mom: If you can fly, why do you need a wheelchair exactly?
Tippi: Oh no, we had wheels installed on all the chairs. O’Chunks insisted.
Bleck and Tippi then leave. Meanwhile, Toad’s friend, Diddy Kong, enters the room after Toad’s finished getting in uniform.
Diddy: Are you okay?
Toad: Yes.
Diddy: LIES!
Toad: Okay, fine. But I don’t know what to tell you, so you hear nothing!
Diddy: Okay. Maybe we can grab some Poison Shroom Shakes and watch an Interview!
Toad: Fine.
Agent Boss Goomba appears.
ABG: There you are! King Boo has killed again!
Diddy: Toad, you never told me you had a new buddy! YOU MUST PAY!
Sakurai: You Must Recover!
Diddy blasts Sakurai out the window with his peanut gun.
Sakurai: Toh!
But Sakurai then follows his advice and recovers, and gets back inside.
Diddy: Look! Someone’s saying that Halo 3 is better than SSBB!
Sakurai: (cracking knuckles) RUSH!!!
He goes outside to beat up the innocent Goomba, and Diddy locks the door.
Meanwhile, Mimi is looking for Green Shy Guy in their house.
Mimi: Green Shy Guy, you’re not allowed to do that! I’d say what that is, but the script is covered in… Kool-Aid…
Kool-Aid Man: That’s for what Cudge wanted to drink!
She looks where her tape was and sees it’s not there! She looks frantically and soon finds Green Shy Guy watching it on his computer in his room. It’s at the part where Boshi is filming his shoes. But he still gets what’s going on throughout the whole presentation.
Mimi: DIE!
Mimi and Green Shy Guy start to have a fight over the camera attached to the computer, and GSG sees a part where Mimi is completely crushed by a Thwomp, but gets back up fine. Finally, she gets it.
Mimi: Uhhhhh, those were special effects?
Green Shy Guy: Nuh-uh!
Mimi: I had a Starman?
Green Shy Guy: Nuh-uh!
Mimi: I had Life Shrooms?
Green Shy Guy: Nuh-uh!
Mimi: Uh-huh!
Green Shy Guy: Hmm…
Green Shy Guy pulls out a Shroob laser and shoots it at her “hand”.
Mimi: Remind me how Mom and Dad let you have that.
GSG: Plot hole!
Mimi: Anyway, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!
GSG stares as Mimi’s burnt spot automatically heals.
GSG: Le’ gasp!
Next thing we know, Green Shy Guy runs out of the house, followed by Mimi in her spider form. Whenever she needs to go faster, she transforms into a spider. Boshi is on a nearby sidewalk… playing jacks?
Mimi: Boshi! Don’t let him get away!
Boshi: Don’t worry! I’m the fastest Yoshi I know! And we’re fast!
Boshi runs after Green Shy Guy, amazingly knowing what’s going on. Green Shy Guy manages to get into the van in the driveway and locks the doors. Mimi changes back to normal.
Green Shy Guy: Someone call the police! My sister is one of the X-Men!
Boshi: I don’t think any of the X-Men had that power. And here, they’re the X-Nauts.
Green Shy Guy: Don’t care!
Meanwhile, a Squiglet is examining a burnt, Game-Overed blue Yoshi as Toad and ABG enter the observation platform, with slushies!
ABG: I said I wanted a shake!
Toad: It’s not my fault Popple stole the last one!
ABG: Anyway, this is Jimmy McYoshi. He was a bone doctor in Rose Town.
Toad: Okay.
ABG: But what I don’t get is how King Boo got them all with household objects, then burnt this guy. However, I don’t get a lot of things. For example, people say “could care less”, implying that they do care a little, when it should be “couldn’t care less”.
Toad: He looks like any other person who got burnt! How is this King Boo?
ABG: There’s lots of radiation coming from him. And this Post-it Note was attached to him.
I did it
-King Boo
P. S.: If this guy survives, tell him that it wouldn’t kill him to buy a TV!
ABG: And we’ll need to use your powers to find out who left a fingerprint on his bone.
Toad: EW!
The computer beeps. A file of a giant Koopa appears on the screen.
ABG: Ha! Bowser Koopa, also known as King Boo, prepare for justice! Right after lunch!
Meanwhile, Tatanga is driving a car with Shroob in the passenger seat.
Tatanga: Okay, enough with the silence!
Shroob: But I wanna go home!
Tatanga: Too bad!
Shroob: You’re a bad guy!
Tatanga: Well duh!
Shroob: No, I don’t mean in the games, I mean in this story.
Tatanga: Oh. Well… Um…
Meanwhile, Princess Shroob and Dry Bones are talking.
Dry Bones: Stop whining about your nightmares!
Princess Shroob: But they feel more real! And my weird reflection also has a name! It’s Princess Shroob. Like my sister.
Dry Bones: You’re both named Princess Shroob? That’s lame.
Princess Shroob: Well at least my name isn’t just based off of my species!
Dry Bones: But your son’s name is!
Princess Shroob: …
In the car, Tatanga and Shroob find an accident. Tatanga stops and gets out.
Tatanga: Stay here or else!
He goes, and a car pulls up behind him. Tatanga finds an injured Lakitu without a cloud on the side of the road.
Tatanga: Please tell me he has Geico and/or Aflac!
Two people get out of the other car: Yoshi and Kamek! Shroob also gets out of his dad’s car.
Yoshi: What happen?
Kamek: I don’t know, but whoever’s in there won’t get out in time. Unless… No. They’re doomed.
Tatanga hits the window of the crashed car, speaking to another Lakitu inside.
Tatanga: HEY, LADY! GET UP!
Shroob starts heading to his dad as some gas in the road catches on fire.
Shroob: Wow, that sure adds to the drama.
Stuffwell: I’ll say. Wait, how’d I get here?
Kool-Aid Man: Get over here, Stuffwell! You’re coming with us!
P.T.: Yeah!
Stuffwell: Okay.
The three of them leave. They then come back with lawn chairs and popcorn. Yoshi grabs Shroob’s shoulder to stop him, and Tatanga uses his power to unlock the door.
Yoshi: Do not fear! I help!
Shroob starts forward, but Kamek grabs him. Tatanga frees the Lakitu woman as the flames grow.
Flames: What can we say? We ate our veggies!
Hear that, kids? They ate their veggies.
Shroob: NO!
Kamek: *Kamek noises* (Yoshi, I think it’s time.)
Yoshi: Yoshi! (Indeed.)
The car then explodes! Yoshi focuses and time is frozen! Yoshi approaches Tatanga and the Lakitu. Yoshi’s thoughts are in his native language, so I won’t translate them.
Yoshi: (Dang it! Why can’t I have strength, too? Oh well, they can’t be that heavy.)
Time restarts and the explosion is finished. Kamek and Shroob stand up and find no one is there.
Shroob: Oh my!
Tatanga: Here I am! And this Lakitu woman, too.
P.T.: Men, I think our work here is done.
Kamek: Work?! You just watched us!
P.T.: Did we, Kamek? Did we?
Kamek: Yes!
P.T.: Silence, nonbeliever!
P.T., Kool-Aid Man, and Stuffwell leave. Yoshi appears behind Tatanga.
Shroob: How are you safe?
Tatanga: I dunno.
Kamek gives the thumbs up symbol to Yoshi. Meanwhile, Kylie Koopa is sitting at a patio table with Bleck, Tippi, Bleck Jr, Teck, and Dimentio’s Mom.
Bleck: Mrs. Nolastname, why are you still here?
Dimentio’s Mom: I don’t know.
Bleck: And where are those minions?
Mr. L: It’s our day off!
Bleck: Oh.
Kylie: Tippi, you seem to be adjusting to that wheelchair finely.
Tippi: No, all the chairs have wheels. I’m fine.
Kylie: Oh.
Dimentio appears and walks towards the table.
Dimentio: Hi, Mom!
Dimentio’s Mom: Hi, Son.
Dimentio: What’s going on?
Dimentio’s Mom: We’re having brunch like we never do.
Bleck gets up and walks Dimentio inside.
Bleck: Menti, this is not the time!
Dimentio: Bob’s dad died.
Bleck: Who’s Bob?
Dimentio: Just some Goomba that keeps following me around. Anyway, I need your help figuring out about this weird situation with us.
Bleck: Sorry, but my chances of being “First Ever Mario Villain To Be A Count Instead Of A King Or Something” are counting on me getting through this brunch! … That is a mouthful.
Dimentio: I just need you to get a painting Don Pianta bought.
Bleck: I’m not about to advertise my ties with him.
Dimentio: Zuh?
Bleck: I don’t know.
Dimentio: Just call and ask!
Bleck: Leave.
Dimentio: Okay. Maybe I’ll fly off the patio!
Dimentio receives the glare he was working to make.
Dimentio: Or maybe we could get her to watch us race around Mushroom Castle!
Bleck: Technically that wouldn’t be a threat, since lots of things fly in the Marioverse, as well as the fact that you can fly in SPM. But to go along with the story, I have to say this: You wouldn’t dare!
Dimentio: Watch me! Like a bored kid at a circus!
Bleck: They’re usually bored?
Dimentio goes outside and sits next to his mommy. Bleck sits back down in his seat. Meanwhile, Shroob is talking to Yoshi and Kamek.
Shroob: Where did you get that new “Luigi’s Mansion Horrors”? Or was it “Luigi’s House of Horrors”?
Kamek: I’ve heard that it goes by either name.
Yoshi: Future! This about me! See! Has me, Kamek, our car, Kamek eating peanuts! I teleport here! I freeze time! Save dad!
Shroob: Wait… You’re that Magikoopa from my mom’s house!
Kamek: Zuh?
Tatanga: Can you two get these Lakitus to a hospital?
Kamek: No, Police Shy Guys are on the way.
Tatanga takes Shroob and leaves.
Shroob: Now can we save Mom?
Tatanga: No. And now we must never return!
They drive off.
Yoshi: Bye!
Kamek: What he said! Because he stole my line!
Meanwhile, Green Shy Guy is still in the family van with Mimi and Boshi outside. Mimi is sitting by a bush while Boshi throws eggs at the van to rock it.
Boshi: You’ll have to come out for some reason before long!
Mimi: It’s been two minutes.
Boshi: Oh…
Mimi: Just return the tape!
Green Shy Guy: Never! I’m going to put it on Splashface and make millions!
(More cookies if anyone knows what site Green Shy Guy is speaking of.)
Mimi: I knew Mom never should have sent him to Camp Wario.
Boshi: Wait, isn’t Splashface free?
Green Shy Guy: Are you both aliens?
Boshi: Uhhhhhhhh, yeah! And we’re going to zap you unless you give that tape back!
Green Shy Guy: Show me your zapper!
Boshi pulls out… a cookie.
Boshi: (Rats! That’s all I had! Oh well, can’t let a good cookie go to waste.)
He eats the cookie.
Mimi and Green Shy Guy: …
Green Shy Guy: I’m staying here until our parents get home!
Mimi: But they can’t know! They’d think I’m too weird, and think they should’ve never adopted me, and we won’t be a family, and then we’d be featured on one of those weird documentaries of families where the camera people and the host never give you any space!
Green Shy Guy: OH NOES! I DON’T WANT TO BE ON A DOCUMENTARY! THERE ARE TOO MANY SKELETONS IN MY CLOSET!
Meanwhile, we see Green Shy Guy’s closet. The door is closed. You can hear two Dry Bones in there.
Dry Bones 1: Got any threes?
Dry Bones 2: Dang it!
Meanwhile…
Green Shy Guy: Fine.
He opens the window and gives it back. Meanwhile, Toad and ABG enter a house in Toad Town.
Toad: Don’t we need back up? We’re a Toad and a Goomba going up against a serial killer!
Cereal Killer from Lemmy’s Mansion 3: He gives us cereal killers bad names!
ABG: We’ll be fine! I’ve got a secret weapon!
ABG pulls out a super-detailed and dramatic axe.
ABG: Ain’t no way he’ll get me with this!
The axe falls over to reveal it was cardboard.
ABG: Dang it!
Toad: Do you smell burning?
ABG: I’m sure it’s fine, radiationally.
However they start finding that through the power of fire, the place is a nightmare! Everything’s destroyed and mangled and burned!
ABG: … We should leave.
Meanwhile…
Dimentio: I guess I’ll vote for Bleck. I mean, if he still wants people to vote for him when he (indirectly to Bleck) treats his friends like crazy people!
Kylie: Oookaaay. So anyway, you’re having Don Pianta invest in your campaign?
Bleck: What? He and my dad were bowling buddies before I killed my dad when I used a void to end my wo- I mean he and my dad were bowling buddies before my dad died for some reason.
Kylie: You went all the way to Gritzy Desert to make a deal with a corrupt Pianta?
Bleck: Um, whichever one makes me look good.
Kylie: An employee at the Koopa Kola Bar/Pianta Parlor/Koopatel was kind of concerned for you when you got there. Something about a Shroob.
Bleck: (Uh oh! If Timpani hears about me exploding in rage due to trivial things, there’ll be a divorce for sure! Especially after she said she’s sick of calming me down!) Uh, you see, what happened… Um…
Dimentio: He was picking up my Barney DVDS!
Everyone: Gasp!
Dimentio: Um, yeah, and there was a gift shop with those in the place, and the Shroob was a clerk. And I didn’t want anyone to know. (He so owes me for this!)
Bleck: Um, yeah! That’s it! I didn’t want to tell anyone because I didn’t want to embarrass my buddy.
Dimentio: Yeah, that’s just the kind of thing Bleck would do for his friend. Even though I tried to kill him and he tried to kill everyone, but let’s ignore that game.
Kylie: I don’t believe you, but I believe you!
Dimentio’s Mom: How can you do both?
Bleck Jr. and Teck: How come we don’t get lines?
Meanwhile outside the house, ABG hands Toad a Mushroom with the biohazard sign instead of spots.
ABG: This should protect you from radiation!
Toad: Cool!
He eats it all in one bite.
Toad: You know, the pill bottle I found in that house that I never mentioned is prescribed to a “Peach Koopa”. I don’t think this is King Boo’s.
ABG: Okay.
Soon, the two enter a hospital room. A nurse Koopa is checking over Peach while Bowser is nearby eating pork grinds.
Toad: Um, why exactly is Peach Bowser’s wife in this story?
ABG: Oh, she’s currently finding someone to divorce them from when they got married in Super Paper Mario. Should be ready when the story finishes.
They approach Bowser.
ABG: We need to ask you some questions.
Bowser: It’s about time! I mean it’s already Chapter 7 and I still haven’t appeared yet! Anyway, I didn’t mean to kill him! It was an accident! He was being a jerk so I shelled him into the wall! He was out cold, so I tried to stab him a few times to wake him up! That didn’t work, and he was starting to get cold so I breathed fire on him to warm him!
ABG: … Is there any idiot in this world bigger than you?
Dr. Shy Guy: It appears the patient is unconscious. It appears the patient is unconscious. It appears-
ABG headbonks him, knocking him out.
ABG: Never mind. But we’re going down town.
Bowser grabs and holds the nurse up in the air. The agents pull out Fire Flowers and get fiery color schemes. They start charging up fireballs and get ready to throw them at Bowser if he doesn’t obey.
ABG: Let her down, Bowser.
Bowser: Can I stay with my wife?
ABG: No! Plus she doesn’t like you. Just let go or we’ll throw fireballs.
Bowser: But I might explode! That’d be cool, but still!
Peach: (Bowser, just put the freaking nurse down.)
Toad: She wants you to put the nurse down.
Bowser: She wouldn’t say… Oh wait, she would. But still!
Toad: I’ll give you a cookie.
Bowser: Fine!
He lets her go, and she’s burnt where he held her.
Koopa Nurse: Thank goodness I’m already in a hospital.
She leaves and Bowser sits back down.
Bowser: Now what’s she saying?
Toad: She blames you for all this and can’t wait for that divorce.
Bowser: DIVORCE?!
Toad: Uh, divorce of her hatred from your love so you can finally have a peaceful marriage? (Please buy it! Hey! I read my own mind!)
Bowser: Oh.
Peach opens her eyes and is shocked to see that Bowser is picking her nose. She closes her eyes again and flatlines.
Bowser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
A few hours later…
Toad: Dude, it’s been hours! I think it’s time to move on to those five steps of grief now!
Bowser: What grief? She’s not dieing! GRRR! I’LL KILL WHOEVER CAUSED HER TO DIE! Maybe if I can get a doctor in here, she’ll be fine. OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! … It was going to happen sooner or later I guess.
ABG: That was fast.
Meanwhile, Princess Shroob is on the phone in her house. Meanwhile, Bleck is on the phone in Castle Bleck.
Bleck: Don’t call me!
Princess Shroob: My husband took my son! The good thing is that my Virtual Pet is all right!
Bleck: Good to hear.
Bleck hears Tippi coming.
Bleck: Um, wrong number!
He hangs up.
Bleck: Where are the boys?
Tippi: Teck’s watching Jr. play Super Paper Mario and beating up his dad.
Bleck: He is so grounded.
Tippi: You still love me and care about my opinions, right?
Bleck: Yes.
Tippi: Just tell me what Dimentio said was true.
Bleck: About the fact that surgeons practice Kung-Fu in their spare time and have epic battles to kiss up to their boss?
Tippi: No, Scrubs convinced me already.
Bleck: Okay then, it’s true.
Meanwhile, Princess Shroob punches a mirror and turns away.
Princess Shroob: OW! THAT REALLY HURT! I THINK THERE’S SOME GLASS IN MY CLAW!
Dry Bones: Not to mention the seven years of bad luck.
Princess Shroob looks strangely similar to her other form, but still mostly herself.
Princess Shroob: Go away, you stupid skeleton turtle!
Dry Bones: Ugh, high school all over again.
Princess Shroob: Leave! Princess Shroob doesn’t need your help anymore!
Dry Bones: Um, Dry Bones doesn’t know why we’re speaking in the third person, but okay.
Princess Shroob: No, I was talking about my sister!
Dry Bones: The reflection?
Princess Shroob: NO YOU IDIOT! THE ONE THAT YOU KNEW DOESN’T NEED YOU ANYMORE!
Dry Bones: … You didn’t have to yell.
Dry Bones leaves. Meanwhile, Toad and ABG leave the hospital.
ABG: Mario’s gonna be so sad.
Toad: Oh well.
ABG: I hear he’ll go into a decontamination shower and then a holding tank.
Toad: Don’t care.
ABG leaves. Toad then calls his wife. But in his house, his voice is just playing on a tape recorder.
Recording: Short and to the point. I love you. Bye.
Meanwhile, Bleck is on the phone in the dining hall of Castle Bleck.
Bleck: I don’t know, but my friend Dimentio really wants it… In the gallery… Thank you, Don. No, I can’t get you a copy of Super Paper Mario, but I can get you another Wii-Mote, plus preorder Super Smash Bros. Brawl! Okay. Bye.
He hangs up. Meanwhile in Dimentio’s apartment, he opens the door to let Bleck in.
Dimentio: Bleck, I’ve never known love, except for the love of causing others’ misery and death and love for myself. But I’m pretty sure that if you really loved Tippi, you’d tell her. Tell her you only bought margarine instead of butter.
Bleck: Too soon.
Dimentio: Okay. But at least tell her about the Shroob.
Bleck: She doesn’t need to know! It’s just a TV!
Dimentio: But you have exploded so many times she’d immediately divorce you if you did it again.
Bleck: Don’s not going to give it up. It’s just a painting!
Dimentio: Why’d you immediately change the subject? And nuh-uh! That might help me figure everything out!
Bleck: Oh yeah! I can fly! That will fix the hole in the Q-Zone, or stop Plital warming, or other parodies of real world problems! And just so you know, two other guys pulled me out of the room and tried to run tests on me, and one of them kept whining about their name.
Dimentio: Did you escape?
Bleck: Yeah, I flew away. One of them was a short old man with swirly glasses and the other was a purple shadowy ghost, who again kept whining about their name.
Dimentio: Lies!
Bleck: I’m telling the truth! Just be careful, Menti.
Meanwhile, Bowser is getting his mugshots taken as ABG watches. When he turns to his side, there are weird marks on his neck. In the dressing room, Toad looks and sees he has similar marks on his neck. Diddy approaches him.
Diddy: Someone had a busy day. Meanwhile I got sued for assaulting Masahiro Sakurai and lying to him. Thank DAD he decided not to delay the game further because of me. But now I have to be his personal monkey boy. No pun intended.
Toad: Boohoo.
Diddy: At least now you have a better shot at being a detective.
Toad: I know.
Diddy: (Dang it, why doesn’t Toadette just divorce his sorry butt?! I wanna marry her!)
Toad: …
Diddy: So you wanna get that Poison Shroom Shake?
Toad pulls out a veggie and smacks him hard in the face with it. Koopa cops come and hold him back.
Toad: YOU!!! I’M GOING TO END YOUR GAME, YOU MONKEY!!!
Diddy: What?
Meanwhile, Shroob walks up to a payphone at the base of Star Hill. He picks up the phone to find that it’s out of order.
Shroob: D’oh! Oh, wait…
He closes his eyes and messes around, and when he opens his eyes again, it works. He calls.
Shroob: Can you hear me now? Good.
He hangs up and dials another number. Meanwhile…
Princess Shroob (still like before): Yes?
Shroob (on the other end): Mom, are you there?
Princess Shroob: Duh! Are you okay?
Shroob (on the other end): Yes. Are you okay?
Princess Shroob: Well this giant jug of juice, your old principal, and my talking suitcase are having a bonfire in the backyard, but other than that I’m fine. Did you sneak away from your dad?
Shroob (on the other end): Yes. Wait, are you REALLY my mom?
Princess Shroob: Just tell me where you are.
Shroob (on the other end): Only after you put my real mother on.
Princess Shroob: Just let me pick you up so you can help your mom, dang it!
Shroob (on the other end): We’re at the Star Hill Hotel right on the Star Hill side of the Star Hill/Gritzy Desert Border.
Tatanga (on the other end): Yo, you talkin’ to yo mama?
Shroob (on the other end): No, I’m prank-calling Bouldergeist.
Back with Shroob, Tatanga notices the out of order sign and hangs the phone up.
Tatanga: Come! We must drive! And I need a new robot walker.
Meanwhile, Princess Shroob is still on the phone. She hangs up when she hears no one.
Princess Shroob:
This looks like a job for my Mini Bill Blaster! … Right after I buy some
Mini Bullet Bills! And also right after I beat this next level of New Super
Mario Bros!
Chapter 8: 420 Seconds Until Midnight
Lots of Koopas are watching as Kooper approaches an urn and does some death ritual that I don’t understand involving sand and water. His mom walks up to him.
Kooper’s Mom: It’s all right, Kooper. He’s moved on.
Kooper: I’ve had it since Chapter 1. I’m fine.
Meanwhile, Vincent is asleep on a bed. Vivian comes with a moist napkin and wipes it on his face.
Vivian: I’m sure that after this, you’ll be fully clean.
Vincent: Literally or off of Power-Downs?
Vivian: Both. I think. But we’ll try not to let the event in that painting happen.
Vincent: Sweet.
Meanwhile, or later, Vivian enters a lobby-like room with lots of paintings by Vincent. Meanwhile…
DING!
A Goomba girl is carrying plates of food in each of her nonexistent hands. She drops them off at a table of two Police Boos.
Goombella: Anything else?
Boo Cop 2: Well I need an 8-letter word for “Koopa-Eater”.
Goombella: Try “Hooktail”.
Boo Cop 1: You gonna visit the Petal Meadows Region on your trip around the world?
Goombella: Right now, I only have enough to get me to… a cheap hotel one town over.
Meanwhile across the restaurant, Yoshi and Kamek sit at a booth.
Kamek: I like how we’re working our way into each plotline.
Yoshi: Unplanned, but okay. How we get here from Gritzy Desert fast?
Kamek: Magic. Anyway, I can’t believe how fat all these mainlanders are. But then again all they eat is French fries and waffles and pudding.
Yoshi: But pudding good! And not all are like that!
Kamek: I guess.
Yoshi: So we meet Demon-toe, save spider, and stop Bob-omb?
Kamek: I guess. And it’s “Dimentio”.
Goombella: Is everything okay?
Kamek: Yeah.
Goombella: Are you from Yoshi’s Island? I know some Yoshinese!
Kamek: So?
On another side of the restaurant…
Kool-Aid Man: I wonder if they have any Kool-Aid!
Stuffwell: You hate when people drink it, yet you’ll drink it yourself?
Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah!
Stuffwell: …
Back with the Islanders and Goombella…
Goombella: I’ll get your food.
However someone seems to be watching the three of them. Someone wearing a hat like Link. He looks at his watch. It’s broken.
???: Crud, I didn’t get this watch fixed! And I hope they finish shining my crown so I can take this stupid hat off. I guess it’s only a few minutes until nidnight now. Now to use the Force!
He uses the Force and brings the cup of coffee in front of him to him.
???: That is so cool.
Meanwhile, Kooper and Kolorado are on a small gazebo on a beach down the hill from Koopa Village.
Kooper: Do you think I was a fool for visiting Mushroom City?
Kolorado: I don’t know.
They look to see someone looking at the two, but then she leaves. She’s a Toad.
Kolorado: The new semester will begin soon, and I decided you can have your dad’s room.
Kooper: New semester? It’s only Bootober!
Kolorado: Oh well.
Kooper is soon carrying a box of supplies into an office. He puts it on a desk and looks at a map of the Mushroom Kingdom.
Kooper: Hey!
He finds a Post-It Note attached.
This
is a map! Yay!
~ None of
your business
Kooper: That’s weird.
Kooper messes with some stuff, and the Toad from the beach comes in.
Kooper: Hello Toadiko.
Toadiko: Sorry I mocked your dad and his theories and you and stuff.
Kooper: I never heard you insult me.
Toadiko: … Forget I said that.
Meanwhile, Toad is standing as HABG is talking to ABG.
Head Agent Boss Goomba: You have an hour to solve this! Time’s up!
ABG: That’s because you kept telling me that for an hour!
HABG: Fine, you have another hour. You have-
ABG: OKAY!
HABG leaves.
ABG: Do you think I’m an idiot?!
Toad: Do I have to answer?
ABG: … Anyway, seriously. Attacking Diddy?!
Toad: I just hit him with a giant turnip! And for some reason you should be suspended, but you’re not.
Then they go into an interrogation room to question Bowser.
ABG: You know my job wasn’t so odd before I started pursuing King Boo. Well, that’s a lie. My job was probably even weirder before this. King Boo, Bowser, and you; that makes three people I know who are really weird to me.
Toad: Hey!
ABG: IT’S TRUTH! Anyway, take this device. It measures how many ice cream trucks are outside. But right now we have it set to how much radiation is in there.
Toad: Is it supposed to be dark green?
ABG: Yes.
Toad: What color should I avoid?
ABG: Any other one. Except yellow, that’s okay. But even then it’s risky. Then pink is oddly okay, and just as odd, it’s safer than yellow, but let’s play it safe and keep it on dark green.
Meanwhile, Yoshi and Goombella are reading a Yoshinese phrase book.
Goombella: Let’s see… Hah! Yoshi! Wooow! Owowowowowow! *SMW yoshi noise* (I’m sorry, but your breath smells like fish.)
Yoshi: Yoshi! That mean, “good”!
She starts practicing and is almost perfect on her second try.
Yoshi: How you do that?
Goombella: I think it may be a talent. Or maybe it’s a side effect from committing my Tattle Log to memory.
Yoshi: I have power too! But more com-plezz.
Goombella: “Complex”. It’s only a Z sound if it’s at the start.
She goes to get food. Meanwhile the figure is still watching. He takes a sip of his coffee and puts it back down in disgust.
???: Ew! I hate Hoolumbian!
Meanwhile, ABG gives Bowser a glass of water.
Bowser: They wouldn’t let me go to Peach’s funeral even!
Toad: You DO kidnap her, though.
Bowser: But now we are married! Or were.
ABG: How did you burn Dr. McYoshi to the bone?
Bowser: Either my fire breath or I DON’T KNOW! LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU WEAKLINGS! RAAAARR!!!
He starts breathing fire everywhere, missing Toad and ABG though. Toad looks and sees the meter is pink.
Toad: Oh thank the Overthere.
It then turns dark red.
Toad: Oh Underwhere no. Boss?
ABG: Zzzzzz...
Sakurai: T-Take it easy, will ya?
Toad: For once he’s right!
Bowser: JUST FOR THAT, I’M GOING TO BLOW THIS PLACE UP!
He drinks the water and then melts the cup. ABG snaps awake and pulls out a POW Block, as does Toad.
ABG: One more move and we’ll flip you over!
Bowser: I BET YOU WON’T!
ABG: I bet we will!
Bowser: I BET YOU WON’T!
ABG: I bet we will!
Bowser: NUH-UH!
ABG: Uh-huh!
Bowser: NUH-UH!
ABG: Uh-huh!
Toad: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP! Now Bowser, get over it.
Bowser: Okay.
Toad: When did this start?
Bowser: (Uhh, well I blacked out, and when I woke up things died. A lot.)
Toad: How’d you black out?
Bowser pulls at his spiky neckband and reveals odd marks on his neck.
Toad: Hey, I have one too!
Meanwhile Kooper is looking through a book and finds a key taped to the back. He nods off. We see a younger Kooper chasing an older Koopa out in the hall. Kooper comes out to see them. The younger Kooper doesn’t seem to be that much younger than the current, though.
Kooper: Keep it down! I’m sleeping!
Older Koopa: Shut up.
Young Koopa: Even when I’m older and ugly you don’t care about my feelings!
Kooper: UGLY?!
Older Koopa: I’m leaving!
Young Koopa: But it could affect me!
OK: Don’t care.
YK: Of course you don’t. No one cares about your stupid theories! … Except for those guys.
The flashback Koopas and Kooper look over to see P.T., Kool-Aid Man, and Stuffwell.
Kooper: This is my flashback! Get out!
Stuffwell: Fine.
P.T.: Your plots are boring anyway.
Next, Kooper is watching his parents walking around Koopa Village. He gets so bored that he bores himself awake. Meanwhile, they’re still with Bowser. He goes on about how he was in Hollijolli Village a few months ago selling stuff to a hospital, and something about Peach.
Toad: This reminds me of the time I blacked out for two days.
ABG: Yeah, not like you should tell your boss anything like that!
Toad: Shut up. Anyway you mentioned a shadow thing. Was he purple, slightly taller than Luigi, and always whining about his name?
Bowser: Yes.
Toad: Aha!
ABG: A shadowy guy? What do you mean?
Bowser: Maybe they’re the reason we have cool superpowers!
Toad: Oh yeah!
The door is opened and Secret Agent Goomba comes in with two other Goomba agents.
SAG: Time’s up!
ABG: Give us more time! And how come my name suggests that I’m the boss of you when you are like the boss of me?
SAG: I don’t know. Anyway, Agent Goomba Boss is suspended. Toad, did you figure out what the nuclear material is?
The guards take Bowser away.
Bowser: How am I being bested by Goombas? Anyway, find The Shadow.
Toad: Give him back!
ABG: Oh, they can’t do that. Wait, you said I wasn’t suspended!
Toad: I want you to repay me for me helping you.
ABG: Too bad.
Toad: Dang it!
Meanwhile, Gadd gets out of a black car and enters a building called “Dunder Mifflin”. Inside, a guard calls out to him.
Snifit Guard: Yo, you need to renew your parking pass.
Gadd: Whatever.
He continues and runs into a round Pixl. He gets to a security door past her and enters the door. The next room is the lobby with all of Vincent’s paintings! Gadd enters, with Vivian inside.
Vivian: Okay, he thinks he needs the Power-Downs, but he doesn’t. It’s all out of his system! Wanna meet him?
He’s busy staring at the portrait of Mimi.
Gadd: Yabooyaboo! Er, I mean okay.
In Vincent’s room, he’s on the bed sketching. Gadd and Vivian enter.
Vivian: Here’s Mr. Gadd!
Vincent: Don’t care.
Gadd: Hey, you painting the future?
Vincent: Maybe.
Gadd: I need your help.
Vincent: Everyone does.
Meanwhile, the ominous man is still sipping coffee while he watches Goombella approach Yoshi and Kamek.
???: Hmm. The Hoolumbian is not that bad after a few sips.
Goombella: Is everything okay?
Yoshi: Blooper casserole attack Kamek.
Kamek: But then I killed it!
Goombella: … I’m going to leave now.
She does.
Yoshi: I use bathroom.
Inside the stockroom, Goombella messes with a can opener, but then Vim starts dripping down from various parts of her head and she falls over.
Outside the stockroom, Kamek is eating Goomba Stew (0_0) and hears a loud crash in the kitchen. Another waitress goes to investigate and runs out screaming. The two Police Boos come to see, as does Kamek. Inside, Goombella’s food is sprawled out in a pool of Vim.
Everyone: Ew.
Police Boo 1: Aw cripes, they killed Goombella. She was the GOOD waitress!
Other Waitress: Hey!
Yoshi comes out of the bathroom excited. Kamek sees him and puts his arm on his shoulder.
Yoshi: Whubba?
Meanwhile, Kooper and his mom are in their house.
Kooper’s Mom: I know you miss him and feel guilty, but you shouldn’t.
Kooper: Good. Because I don’t. Did you persuade him to leave?
Kooper’s Mom: In a way.
Kooper: Oh.
Kooper’s Mom: And you had a brother named Koops.
Kooper: I HAD A BROTHER AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME?
Kooper’s Mom: I forgot! He was very special. As in I think he had a super power or something.
Meanwhile, Gadd, Vivian, and Vincent are looking at his paintings.
Gadd: That green girl is my daughter!
Vincent: You said that in the middle of the last scene.
He sees the painting of the shadow looming over the dead Mimi.
Gadd: That shadow’s name is King Boo. I’m guessing he’ll kill her at tomorrow’s homecoming game.
Vincent: Haha! Wait, why do all the bad things happen at the homecoming game? Why not just a regular one?
Gadd: Because.
Vincent: Why is she getting killed?
Gadd: Because she has a super power. He’s killing off all the super-powered people.
Vincent: Why can’t you stop him?
Gadd: I don’t know where he is. I want you to paint a painting for me!
Vincent: Everyone does. I need my Power-Downs!
He pulls out a Black ? Block.
Gadd: Fine. But later we’re going to get you to stop needing these.
Vincent: Okay, but now I want to try it without them.
Meanwhile Kooper opens his desk drawer because it was wobbling. Inside he finds a creature that runs away. They go through the door and find themselves back in Mushroom City. Kooper sees a hand break through the windshield and smash his dad’s head into the window a lot. The hand has a watch, and the face of it cracks with it saying there are seven minutes left until midnight. Oh wait, six minutes and 59 seconds. Sorry. Kooper opens his eyes to find the creature.
Kooper: Wait, what creature is this anyway?
Um, that white Luma?
Kooper: Okay.
He opens his eyes (in the dream) to find the white Luma where the taxi was. Out of laziness, I’ll refer to him by the name he had that wasn’t in the final game: Tyke. Tyke gives Kooper a key.
Kooper: Um, oookay.
He wakes up and gets the book with the key. He looks at the key, amazed.
Kooper: So it is true. There WAS a key in the book!
Didn’t you already know that by looking earlier?
Kooper: Didn’t you write in the script that I’d be amazed?
Touche’. Meanwhile, Gadd gets out of the room and Mimi comes out of an elevator after it comes down.
Mimi: Hi Dad.
Gadd: Eh. Wait, why are you visiting me at work?
Mimi: I need you to get a big paper for our banner, since Mona said paper isn’t usually big, and this is a paper company.
Dwight Schrute: Yay!
Gadd: Not now, Generic Cameo Appearance #4785274!
Dwight: Aww…
Gadd: He’s here because of a Branch Exchange Program. Anyway, fine.
They go down the hall and Vivian appears, shocked to see Mimi.
Vivian: (She would’ve made a better replacement Siren than Doopliss. Oh well.) Hey guys, there’s a problem!
Gadd: Go away, Mimi.
She does.
Gadd: What?
Vivian: He’s not doing it!
Gadd: What?
Vivian: He’s not baking cookies!
Gadd: Crud, I was hungry. Can he paint the future though?
Vivian: No.
They’re back in the lobby.
Vivian: Though maybe he needs time.
Gadd: Too late, I’m getting the block.
He gets the block.
Gadd: That was fast.
Vivian: But he tried so hard to get clean!
Gadd: I don’t wish to hear about the fact he went so long without a shower!
Vivian: Not like that.
Gadd: Oh.
He gives the block to Vivian and watches her approach Vincent. He turns intangible and flies around in an attempt to get away, but she doesn’t give up. She punches the block and out comes a Ztar. She approaches Vincent unwillingly. What could she be thinking about?
Vivian: (I’m hungry.)
Thank you, Toad, you may go back to your plot now.
Toad: Toad Away!
He leaves. Meanwhile there’s a picture of Goombella on the bulletin board, and her covered body is wheeled out. Yoshi and Kamek are in the booth.
Yoshi: Owowowowow!!! (I thought her character was supposed to last longer!)
Kamek: *Kamek noises* (Me too.)
Police Boo 1 sits across from them.
Police Boo 1: Was there anything weird about her?
Kamek: No.
Police Boo 1: Do you have any bacon on you?
Kamek: No.
Police Boo 1: Pennington in Gritzy Desert will be very upset to hear that.
The Boo leaves.
Yoshi: That same way Vincent was when I find him in future!
Kamek: Ew.
Yoshi: Maybe I go back and stop it.
Kamek: But we’re already on ONE mission!
Yoshi: But Pokey, Spiky Skello-bite, and Shy Gwy! I no help them! Then I help now!
Kamek: “Skellobit” and “Shy Guy”.
Yoshi: What? I just stop her from go to work!
Kamek: You shouldn’t.
Yoshi: Watch me!
Kamek: What about the transforming spider thingy?
Yoshi: She be fine! I be back in no time! Liter-al-eye!
Kamek: “Literally”.
Yoshi focuses and disappears. A few seconds pass.
Kamek: So much for no time at all literally.
Meanwhile Toadette is looking at a photo album when Toad enters.
Toadette: I heard about you hitting Diddy. (Seriously, a vegetable?)
Toad: Now I’m suspended for a month without pay.
Toadette: How could you let yourself do that? Would it help to know that I married Diddy?
Toad: You married a monkey? Even though you're already married?
Toadette: Actually we were divorced.
Toad: Since when?!
Toadette: Deleted scene. But then we got a divorce and now we’re married. Same deleted scene.
Toad: Wow, that must’ve been some scene.
Meanwhile, ABG is on the phone with a car on fire. Toad answers.
ABG: Toad, Bowser blew up a car.
Toad (on the other end): I’ll be there.
He hangs up. ABG dials again.
ABG: Can you hear me now? Good.
Meanwhile, Kooper uses the key to unlock the drawer. He finds the door and opens it to find a file. It’s labeled “Tyke” and features the white Luma he’s seen before. Inside is a bunch of mumbo-jumbo and research about dreams. Meanwhile, Vincent is in his trance and painting with Vivian watching. Meanwhile Gadd is watching Mimi make the banner. Meanwhile Kamek is walking in circles next to his booth. The picture of Goombella is replaced with a picture of Goombella and Yoshi.
Kamek: That’s weird.