Lemmy: Hiya, everyone! Welcome back to “Who Wants to be an Idiotic Moron”, the only game show on Plit that lives up to its own name by broadcasting only as randomly as the author feels like it! Which is… very randomly. But in any case, brush those cobwebs away, because we’re on the air again!

A small portion of the audience snaps out of its coma-like state to applaud. The rest of them continue to stare into space eerily, drooling.

Lemmy: Ugh, that’s… disgusting. Oh well. As I was saying, welcome to the ninth episo- What?! Ninth?! Not only has this show not aired for months, but this is the ninth episode? And you’re still watching? What is wrong with you people?

No real response comes from the audience this time. A few more random viewers wake up. Lemmy is about to continue but is stopped as a large white dinosaur enters from backstage… take a guess.

Lemmy: Uh, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in the hot seat, waiting to continue your turn!

Rachelle: Forget that! Today we take a break from our regular schedule for a something new, Who Wants to be an Idiotic Moron’s first “live” broadcast!

Lemmy: …

Rachelle: That’s right, we actually have a few people who want to play this game via instant messaging service!

Lemmy: …

Rachelle: And even better, you get to take a break this time, Lemmy! I’m hostin’. *grin*

Lemmy: … How does a Birdo grin, anyway?

Rachelle: *sigh* It’s sort of an eyes-only thing. And if I have to explain this to ONE more person, I swear I’ll… Ah, never mind. Anywho, give it up for today’s three contestants!

The now more-or-less awake audience cheers and the camera pans around to each player as his or her name is called. They each wave as their name is announced.

Rachelle: Brenda, from Pipe Land!

Brenda: I LIKE PIE!

Rachelle: Axem Leader, from Smithy’s Factory!

Axem Leader: I’m speechless…

Rachelle: And Guest256, from Sub-con!

Guest256: I may be small but my knowledge is big!

More clapping, then dead silence. Well, actually… Rachelle spits a few eggs towards the spectators impatiently. THEN it’s dead silent.

Rachelle: Next is the fastest-finger question to determine who gets to go first! But before we go any further… Lemmy, you’re in my seat.

Lemmy sighs as he leaves his special seat, but leaves backstage without much complaint. Rachelle sits down happily and… starts to… make the seat spin around in circles on the spot. Everyone stares as she comes to a stop.

Rachelle: … What? These spinning chairs are so cool!

Everyone Else: *sweatdrop*

Rachelle: *cough* Er, anyways… On to the fastest-finger question! Ya’ll ready?

Axem Leader: Well, actually, I-

Rachelle: Great! Put the names of these baddies in the order of which they first appeared, starting with the earliest:

A) Shell Creeper
B) Malakoopa
C) Marching Milde
D) Medi Guy

The timer ticks down from… wait, there is no timer. The contestants input their answers.

Rachelle: Time! Let’s see the answers in the correct order:

A) Shell Creeper
C) Marching Milde
B) Malakoopa
D) Medi Guy

… and who got it right?

Brenda                                     27.8
Guest256                                 28.3

Whoa… that was really close, but… Brenda got it in before Guest.

Brenda: Yay! Hi Lemmy! Rachelle! Got pie?

Lemmy (from backstage): Shh! I’m not supposed to be here!

Brenda: Oh.

Rachelle: Congrats, Brenda! Get over here!

Brenda walks over to the empty chair opposite of Rachelle and sits down. Her attention is distracted from the nifty mini-screen in front of her as Rachelle speaks again.

Rachelle: Uh, sorry, I don’t have any pie… Wish I did, though… I’m hungry. But in any case, welcome to the show! How are you feeling right now?

Brenda: Um… just peachy! Like always… heh…

Rachelle: Well, that's great! Anyone here with you today? Friends? Relatives? People who said they were with you so they wouldn't have to pay their way in?

Brenda: Ooh! I brought Koop with me! He’s sittin’ over there!

The camera pans over to show Koop, who is sitting in the front row of the audience. He waves.

Rachelle: Hi Koop! Taking a break from Interviews?

Koop: Uh... I guess so. If I wasn’t I’d be fixing the backstage... again… with Obnoxious Cameraman and Frank.

Rachelle: *gasp* You skipped work to come here? Tsk tsk.

Koop: Well… look at Brenda!

Rachelle: And what a point you have. But that’s not why I’M here, so…

Rachelle turns back to face Brenda again.

Rachelle: You ready for the first question, Brenda?

Brenda: Yep!

Rachelle: All right! Let’s play, “Who Wants to be an Idiotic Moron”!

The usual overly dramatic music starts up as the spotlights focus on the two Birdos. Rachelle looks oddly yellowish in the bright light, while Brenda just looks a lighter shade of green. A pained groan comes from the audience as most of them cover their eyes. Did I mention that these spotlights are REALLY bright?

Rachelle: … Lights!

The lights dim a little bit so everyone can see again. Rachelle no longer looks yellow-tinted.

Rachelle: Ok. 1,000-coin question: Which of these is not a standard color of Yoshi (Yoshi’s Island colors included)?

A) Dark blue
B) Pink
C) Brown
D) Rainbow

Brenda: Um, um… I choose D, rainbow.

Rachelle: That’s correct! Heh heh… Next question. Fill in the blank: Salvo the _____?

A) Shy Guy
B) Slime
C) Super Koopa
D) Really annoyed co-producer

Brenda: Oh, that’s easy! It’s D, Really annoyed co-produ- I mean, B, Slime. Heh….

Rachelle: Whoa, what a surprise! That’s the correct answer!

Brenda lets out a relieved sigh.

Rachelle: 2,000 coins already… you’re off to a good start! How you feelin’?

Brenda: Not that bad. A little nerve-wracked, but how’s that different from any other time?

Rachelle: Well, I- no, you’re right.

Rachelle pauses to duck as one of Brenda’s eggs goes flying past her. She gets back up and continues as if nothing happened.

Rachelle: Ready for the next question?

Brenda: Well, if I wasn’t ready I’d- Just continue.

Rachelle: Heh. All right, then. 3,000-coin question: In Super Mario World, which is the first accessible Switch Palace?

A) Red
B) Yellow
C) Blue
D) Green

Brenda: Ooh! It’s D! Like me, trees and my curtains!

Rachelle: Is that your final answer?

Brenda seems about to shake her head no, but stops for a second, thinking it over.

Brenda: No, no! I change my mind! It’s B, yellow! Like Lakitus, the sun, and popcorn!

Rachelle: And that is… correct! Nice save!

Brenda: Whew!

Rachelle: Ok! Next question! What is Triclyde’s catchphrase in Super Mario Advance?

A) “I’m ready for you this time!”
B)  “Want some bombs?”
C) “Ready to get toasted?”
D) “I’m too hot to touch!”

Brenda: Oh! Gosh! I think I have a good guess, but I want to poll the audience first.

Rachelle: Tonight’s first lifeline! Audience, you know what to do!

And yet, they apparently don’t know what to do at all. All is dead silent. Maybe it’s been too long between this episode and the last for them to remember.

Rachelle: *sigh* Pick up your answer pads and punch the button with the answer that you think is correct on it.

After a simultaneous “Ahh…” from the audience, the ten-second timer ticks down to zero. A loud CRUNCH indicates that someone has taken Rachelle’s explanation a little too seriously; a Goomba worker comes around to pick up the broken pieces of Roy’s answer pad.

Rachelle: Here’s what the audience thinks:

A) 20%
B) 11%
C) 36%
D) 33%

Brenda: Oh gosh! C and D are so close, but… I’ll go with the audience and choose C.

Rachelle looks towards the audience, then back at Brenda.

Rachelle: Well, if you’re absolutely sure you want to trust this dim-looking bunch…

Brenda nods uncertainly.

Rachelle: That answer is… absolutely correct!

Brenda: Yeah! I love you, audience! Well… the people who chose C, that is.

A good portion of the audience members hang their head down in shame. Koop cheers, despite having chosen B himself.

Rachelle: So far, so good! 4,000 coins! That means that if you get this next question, you are guaranteed to leave with at least 5,000 coins!

Brenda: Yeah!

Rachelle: 5000-coin question: In Super Mario Bros. 3, which two Koopalings can stomp the ground to stun you?

A) Roy and Morton
B) Roy and Ludwig
C) Ludwig and Morton
D) Morton and Iggy

Brenda: Hmm… Since both Roy and Ludwig are the heaviest- no offense, guys- I guess it’s B, Roy and Ludwig, like chilli and chocolate! Blech…

Roy (calling over from the audience): I’m gonna get you for sayin’ that! Just you wait!

Ludwig (also from the audience): That remark did not hurt me. I am indifferent to what one such as you thinks of my being.

Roy (still in the audience, duh): Uh… what he said…

Rachelle: Heh, that doesn’t sound too good… but ah well. Not my problem. Zat your final answer, then?

Brenda: Er… yes…

Rachelle: For 5,000 coins… you are … correct!

Roy (standing now, yelling): I’m still gonna get you! Later!

A few security Koopatrols start heading Roy’s way, but he sits down and whistles innocently before they reach him. Confused, they stare for a moment before heading backstage from whence they came.

Rachelle: Congratulations! You’ve made it to the 5,000-coin mark! That means you’re guaranteed to leave with at least that much now, no matter what happens from here on in.

Brenda: Yeah! Borneo, here I come!

Rachelle: Or perhaps you can use your money to hire a bodyguard before you leave the studio. You may need it.

Brenda: …

Rachelle: But moving right along-

Loud Annoying Buzzer: BUUUZZZZZZZZ!

Brenda: I didn’t know you could jump so high, Rachelle.

Rachelle: … Neither did I.

Brenda: *snort*

Rachelle: Shut up. It just surprised me, that’s all. In any case, that buzzer means that time’s up for tonight.

Everyone in the audience is standing up and heading for the studio’s exit almost before the words are out of her tube-shaped mouth.

Rachelle: … And if you stay until this show is over, you’ll receive a free packet of paperclips!

Everyone sits back down.

Brenda: *sweatdrop*

Rachelle: Knew that would do it. Good night, folks! Tune in next time (I swear it won’t be so long this time!) for another “live” broadcast! Oh, and new players are always welcome, so Email me if you’re interested in playing.

Brenda: Do I get a free packet of paperclips, too?

Rachelle: No.

Rachelle Davison, 2002

Have a Scribble of your own? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Scribbles.
Go back to my main page.