The Mushroom Games

Episode Ten

By Crazy Packers Fan

Roy: Welcome back to the Mushroom Games! Iím filling in for Crazy Packers Fan right now, at least until he gets over that Packers game...

Crazy Packers Fan: Shut up about the game! Iím back, and weíre going to give away a whole bunch of coins,
although I donít feel like it right now!!!

Roy: Heís still not over it, so Iíll stay in charge. As you probably know by now, the winning team today
receives 8 million coins, while the losing team gets 800,000 coins. This final challenge is-

All 16 players: OH NO!!!

Roy: I didnít even say it yet!

Crazy Packers Fan: Iíll explain it. Todayís challenge, although not from a Mario game, will have bits and
pieces of Mario items and things involved. Itís going to be a football-

All 16 Players: OH NO!!!

Crazy Packers Fan: Thatís the expected reaction. It will be a football game, but since most of you watching this have no idea about football, Iíll make it simple. See this ball? Itís called a football.

Roy: This could take a while...

Crazy Packers Fan: Anyway, I wonít get into anything detailed. You have one player hand the ball through
their legs to another player, whoís the quarterback. Then that quarterback either hands it to a teammate,
throws it to a teammate, or runs with it. The other team simply tries to tackle the player with the ball, but cannot tackle a player without the ball. Any questions?

Daisy: How do we stand a chance against these big Brothers?

Crazy Packers Fan: You donít.

Roy: Well, at least he tells the truth.

Crazy Packers Fan: The game has four 15-minute quarters, and your score gets added to the points you
already have.

Roy: Which gives the Mario Morons a slight advantage.

Crazy Packers Fan: Right. You have four plays to advance ten yards. If you donít make it, the other team gets the ball. If you do make it, you get to keep on going. If your team advances the ball over the goal line, you get six points. Then you may try to kick the ball through those goalposts for an extra-

Everyone is asleep, except for Roy.

Crazy Packers Fan: -point. What happened?

Roy: You should have just let them play.

Crazy Packers Fan: All right. Wake up!

No response.

Crazy Packers Fan: WAKE UP OR IíLL BRING MARIO BACK!!!

All awake.

Peach: Ball, tackle, letís play!

Daisy: Who gets the ball first?

Tony: Obviously our team.

Crazy Packers Fan: We flip a coin. Heads is the ďMario is stupidĒ side. Tails is the ďLink is even stupiderĒ
side.

Hammer: Tails!

Roy: The call is heads!

Crazy Packers Fan: And it lands on its edge! As we thought, of course. Weíll just make the Mario Morons kick off anyway!

Daisy: WHAT?!

The King: Whatís a ďkickoffĒ?

Roy: Kick the ball off this tee.

Crazy Packers Fan: I forgot to mention weíll have lots of obstacles, right from Ludwigís newest invention.
Like when I press this button-

Five Bob-ombs fly into the arena and explode.

Crazy Packers Fan: Youíll get a surprise.

Daisy: Oh, of course!

Yoshi: Any food for Yoshi?

Roy: Hereís something tasty!

Yoshi: Yum!

Crazy Packers Fan: OUCH!!!

Roy: Oops. Sorry about your hand!

Crazy Packers Fan: Arr... Now kick that ball!

The King runs up to the ball and misses. When he trips and falls, his other foot taps the ball and it rolls off the tee. Hammer runs up and picks up the ball. He then gets accidentally tackled by Waluigi, who was actually trying to run off the field.

Crazy Packers Fan: The Hammer Brothers get the ball at the 30-yard line!

Hammerer: We do?

Roy: This is going to be some game...

The Hammer Brothers line up like a real team would, but the Mario Morons run around the field not knowing
what to do.

Tony: Uh, give me the ball!

Sledgy snaps (or gives the ball between his legs) to Tony, who steps back five steps, then throws to Hammer for an easy touchdown.

Crazy Packers Fan: Touchdown, Hammer Brothers!

Toad tackles Hammer. Roy (the referee) throws a yellow flag.

Toad: What is that flag for?

Roy: Personal foul for tackling after the play! That will be fifteen yards on the kickoff!

Toad: What an official! His tonsils should be torn out!

Roy: Good thing that script writer edits what Toad says.

The Hammer Brothers line up for the extra point.

Tony: Hey, what happens if we run a normal play instead?

Crazy Packers Fan: If you get in the end zone, you get two points instead of one!

Tony: Okay! Um, hand me that ball!

After the snap, Tony runs straight forward, knocking over Sledgy in the process of scoring.

Crazy Packers Fan: Itís good! That makes the score:

Hammer Brothers 8
Mario Morons 0

Roy: This is boring! Where are the Morons?

On the kickoff Luigi catches the ball and, seeing the Hammer Brothers charging at him, he runs the wrong way through his own end zone.

Luigi: I-a scored-a touchdown!

Crazy Packers Fan: Actually, that is considered a safety, worth two points for the Hammer Brothers! And now the Mario Morons punt to the Hammer Brothers, because itís a safety!

The same thing happens three more times.

Roy: We now move ahead in our coverage because of time constraints.

Crazy Packers Fan: And now itís halftime, with the score:

Hammer Brothers 40
Mario Morons 0

Our ratings are probably really down because of your poor performance, Morons! Get going!

Daisy: Weíre about to quit!

Roy: Itís time for the Morons to kick off!

Waluigi catches the kickoff this time. Suddenly, the field turns to ice and Flurries are skating all over it.

Waluigi: Whoa! Iím scared of Flurries, but even more than Flurries, Iím scared of ice!

Waluigi slips and falls. By some luck he slides all the way down the field, down to the one-yard line.

Peach: Is that good or bad?

Daisy: Last time I checked, thatís good. Letís go!

Itís the first offensive play for the Mario Morons all game long, and since they donít know what to do, they
panic.

Daisy: You run over there, Toad, and Peach, you stay off the field.

Luigi: Iíll take the ball!

Wario: Youíd better not!

Yoshi: Yoshi take it!

Waluigi: Iím scared of that ball now, so donít give it to me!

The King: Ball?

Wario snaps the ball to Yoshi, who finds out how heavy a Sledge Brother is.

Yoshi: 897 pounds!

Roy: Second down!

Wario: Hereís a better idea. We all push the Hammer Brothers as hard as we can, and Toad just runs around
us.

Daisy: Great idea!

After the snap, the Mario Morons find out how hard it is to push a bunch of big guys. Toad slips and falls right away.

Roy: Third down!

Wario: This time, letís have Peach throw the ball to whoever she sees first!

Peach takes the snap, and sees Tony coming right at her.

Peach: This is a strange gameplan, but hereís the ball!

Tony: Thank you!

Tony takes the ball and keeps running down the field. At the one-yard line, Goombas fly on to the field. Tons of them. Enough to stop Tony from going any farther. A Nipper Plant also appears, biting Tonyís leg, which stops him at the one.

Peach: Well, Wario, how about that gameplan?

Wario: I meant someone on our team, not anyone!

Daisy: Oh!

On the next play, Tony is stopped by a sudden slew of Pidgits. On the play afterward, a ton of Troopas stop
him. And on the next play, a bunch of Bandits get in the way.

Tony: Whatís causing this?

Crazy Packers Fan: Ludwigís invention.

Tony: Oh. Invention? This isnít fair!

Crazy Packers Fan: These are the Mushroom Games! Nothingís fair here!

Roy: Fourth down!

Tony: Weíll kick the ball for a field goal!

The Brothers kick a field goal, giving them three more points.

Crazy Packers Fan: That ends the third quarter, with the score:

Hammer Brothers 43
Mario Morons 0

Roy: We might as well just give away the coins now!

Crazy Packers Fan: Actually, these points just get added on to the points the Morons have already, so the
Morons need only 14 to keep the lead.

The Mario Morons get the ball back on the kickoff, and since the kick goes out of the end zone, it is considered a touchback and the Morons get the ball at the 20.

Lemmy: Translation?

The Mario Morons get the ball!

Lemmy: Thank you.

Roy: Hey, what are you doing here?

Lemmy: Ludwig and I are helping on the sideline in case of a measurement!

Roy: Oh.

Ludwig: And weíre hoping we donít have to do anything!

Wario: This time, Yoshiís taking the ball, and heís going to run as long as he possibly can!

Yoshi: Gulp.

Wario: Here!

Yoshi starts running all over the place. Obstacles from all Mario games fly at him, including bricks, ? Blocks, pipes, Boo balls, Troopa shells, Bullet Bills, Podoboos, and even barrels from the Donkey Kong arcade
game. Yoshi takes 14:45 to get past them and all the Hammer Brothers to score a touchdown.

Yoshi: Yoshi score!

Luigi kicks the extra point, giving 7 points in all to the Morons.

Crazy Packers Fan: We have 15 seconds remaining, with the score:

Hammer Brothers 43
Mario Morons 7

The Morons need 7 more to win anyway, so theyíll need to kick the ball on the ground and hope that it bounces off a Hammer Brother and back to them!

As you figured, that situation plays out, and the Morons get one last shot at a win.

Yoshi: Letís do the same thing!

Wario snaps the ball to the dinosaur, and off goes Yoshi to the end zone, where he is tackled by Boomer.

Roy: Letís measure to see whether Yoshi got in!

Ludwig and Lemmy bring a chain over.

Roy: Heís in! Touchdown, Morons!

Crazy Packers Fan: What a turn of events! Although it looked like a kill for the Hammer Brothers, the score
is now:

Hammer Brothers 43
Mario Morons 13

The Morons must just kick an extra point to win it!

Luigi lines up to kick the ball, with no time to go in the game. His kick is up, and itís-

Roy: Drumroll, please.

BAD!!!

Roy: Or no good. Either way, that kick was short of the goalposts, and the Morons donít score!

Crazy Packers Fan: Our Mushroom Games scoreboard now reads:

Hammer Brothers: 383
Mario Morons: 383

Now let me read the official Mushroom Games rulebook. In event of a tie, the teams must play a sudden-death overtime game of Troopa shell hockey. Whoever scores first gets one point, and the game, and the Games themselves end.

Daisy: Whatís ďTroopa shell hockeyĒ?

Crazy Packers Fan: Everyone gets a hockey stick and swings at the Troopa shell. Youíll play on this icy
arena. Whoever gets it in the opponentsí net first wins! You should have goalies for each team.

Wario: Then Iíll be a goalie.

Sledgy: So will I.

Roy: This is serious. The winners get a ton more coins than the losers and will be remembered forever.

Crazy Packers Fan: Ready, go!

Daisy: Whereís our sticks?

Roy: Oh, the sticks! Take these!

Crazy Packers Fan: On your mark, get set, go!

Daisy: Whereís the Troopa shell?

Roy: Oh, the Troopa shell! Take this!

Crazy Packers Fan: Three, two, one, go!

Both sides keep swinging and missing the sliding and spinning shell. Finally Tony gets a shot near Wario, but the overweight loser stops the shot. After about an hour of no score, Hammer finally gets control of the shell. He passes to Tony.

Tony: This time Iím going to try a different strategy!

Tony, with the shell in front of his stick, goes right into Wario. The shell goes halfway across the line before both teams get into a fight, mainly because Wario got nailed hard.

Daisy: That was cheap!

Hammer: Weíll see whoís cheap now!

The shell comes back out from the goal as Roy breaks up the fight, actually by punching everyone out.

Roy: Iíll see an instant replay now!

Roy looks into a replay booth. He watches to see if the shell crosses the line completely, or just halfway, which is the difference between a goal or not, a win or a loss, and 8,000,000 or 800,000 coins.

Roy: After reviewing the play...

Everyone holds their breath, except for the players who are lying on the ice dazed.

Crazy Packers Fan: Wait! Time for that Mario Sunshine commercial!

After the stupid commercial...

Crazy Packers Fan: Go ahead, Roy.

Roy: The shell-

Everyone gasps, except for those confused players.

Roy: -did not cross the line the whole way! Just 90 percent of the way, which is not enough!

The shell, which came out of the goal as Roy broke up everything, keeps sliding across the ice, all the way
into the other goal!

Roy: The Mario Morons get a goal! They win!

Crazy Packers Fan: The Mario Morons win the Mushroom Games!

The crowd explodes. Fireworks go off. The still-groggy Morons start to celebrate while Tony Soprano looks
like heís about to cry.

Crazy Packers Fan: Our final score is:

Mario Morons: 384
Hammer Brothers: 383

Hereís your 800,000 coins, Hammer Brothers, 100,000 for each of you, and hereís your 8,000,000 coins,
Mario Morons, 1,000,000 for each of you! Give them the money, Koopalings and Susan!

Roy: Letís hear something from our winners!

The King: We won? Is that a good or bad thing?

Toad: I knew we would win the whole time! I think...

Waluigi: Donít say that! Iím scared of coins, but thatís nothing compared to the way that I am scared of
winning!

Wario: A million coins equals a million cheeseburgers! Yoshi and I will be living and eating it up on our
island!

Peach: Thanks to me, we are the champions!

Daisy: No thanks to Peach, we are the champions, and Iíll buy an army to take over the Mushroom Kingdom
with this!

Luigi: Yes! Iíll share this with my brother! Wait, maybe not...

Crazy Packers Fan: And hereís the Mushroom Games trophy, awarded to our Most Valuable Player, Yoshi!
What have you got to say, Yoshi?

Yoshi: Yoshi still hungry!

Roy: As always.

Crazy Packers Fan: Next week weíll do that Survivor thing, as weíll talk to our competitors and reminisce
about the Games, as well as seeing what theyíre doing now! Until then, good night, and congratulations to
our winners, the Mario Morons!

Misty: May I say something?

Crazy Packers Fan: Go ahead.

Misty: This gameís STILL RIGGED!!!

Read on!

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