Guest256: Yay! I finally get to do a review! I paid Richard 1,000 coins to do this, though, and I’m not allowed to sit in his chair, but it’s worth it. This could possibly be the worst story in Lemmy’s Land.

Richard: Hey, where are those 1,000 coins anyway?

Guest256: I sent them in a package when Richard’s Review started. It just hasn’t arrived since I used *groan* Media Mail.

Richard: Oh.

Guest256: Well, anyway, I brought two people to help me review. Say hello to Iggy and Toad!

Drone Zombie Audience: Hi.

Guest256: Oh yeah, and I put this in LLST3K format, so don’t be surprised if I take the words out of a character’s mouth… I love doing that!

Guest256, Iggy, and Toad:  Let’s get this show on the road!

The three take their seats.

Monday's Child, Parts 1, 2, and 3

Iggy: So days of the week can have children?

Toad: Yep. I hear Wednesday’s expecting soon.

By Josh Fitzgerald

It was a gorgeous day in the month of Katol, or August, as it would be known on Earth.

Iggy: Katol? What the heck?

Toad: Never heard of it.

The year was 2018 in Earth terms.

Guest256: In Earth terms, in Earth terms. This guy knows nothing about Plit.

Roy, Ludwig, Larry, and Morton were outside playing baseball. Bowser was pacing back and forth on the patio, nervously waiting. Clawdia was about to have another Koopaling, and the Koopas knew it could be any time soon.

Iggy: If Queen Mom would even survive into this age, she would be barren.

Guest256: Yeah, sure, whatever.

Bowser suddenly heard a yell and jumped 7 feet in the air.

Iggy: He’s way too fat and old for that.

It was Larry, who had tripped and bruised his ankle. "Thanks a lot!" Larry yelled to Morton.  "Hey! What did I do?" Morton screamed back.  They began to fight. "That's enough!" Bowser yelled back. "I want you all to be good role models for the new baby."

Guest256: No need, considering the “new baby” can’t exist.

Wendy stepped outside on to the patio. "Dad, Mom said she's ready."

Toad: Wendy: She’s ready to beat you at Badminton!

The other Koopalings cheered, but Bowser suddenly got a cold chill.

Iggy: Bowser: So very, very cold…

He kept reassuring himself that this was their eighth child and that he had been through this many times before, but for some reason, it didn't help. Bowser was staring into space, ignoring Clawdia's screams of pain.

Toad: Bowser: I’ll just sit and wait while my wife gives birth to a nonexistent baby.

"Hurry Dad!" Wendy said. Bowser was frozen.  Then he realized something horrifing: it was Tyolinday, or Sunday on Earth, and the hospital was closed. He would have to deliver the baby at home.

Guest256: He’s the King of Koopas. He can force the hospitals to open.

"Come on Clawdia!  Keep it up!" Bowser yelled. The seven Koopalings could hear the screaming from outside. It had been 2 hours and the baby still hadn't been born.

Iggy: Makes sense, because there was no baby.

It was a tense moment for all of them. Even Morton was silent. Then they heard- "It's a Girl!"

Guest256: ... yelled Clawdia as she stared at Wendy.

Iggy: Wendy: What are you looking at?

They ran into the house and into the master bedroom.

Toad: Bedroom: I am your master, obey me!

When they got there, they saw a creature with three horns, big claws, and a teeny weenie shell. It was the new Koopaling.

Guest256: What new Koopaling?

Toad: I really doubt a newborn had three horns and big claws.

Iggy: Koopas aren’t born with shells on…

They gathered around it and began to play with it. "Wendy, this is your playmate," Clawdia smiled.  Wendy smiled happily, knowing she finally had a sister.  "What's her name?" Lemmy asked. "Heidi," Clawdia answered. "Heidi Koopa." It was a great day for everyone. Probably the happiest Katol 27th ever.

Iggy: Well, since there’s no such thing as Katol 27th…

By Jitol (March) of 2019, Heidi had began to mix well with the family. She could run and jump, and even beat up Iggy.

Iggy: Let’s be realistic. In this story, I’m more than 20 years older than this “Heidi”.  I really doubt she can beat me up.

She enjoyed her first New Years and was looking forward to the spring festival. One day, Bowser was taking her to the playground. His doomship stopped suddenly. "Did the battery run out?" Bowser wondered.

Iggy: Big, fast doomships don’t run on mere batteries. They run on those fire engines.

Guest256: How come not all doomships have them in Mario 3?

Iggy: All of them had them, just not where Mario went.

He got out and went to check the battery.

Toad: ... of his Game Boy Advance.

When he got there, there was a bright flash of light. Bowser disappeared. Heidi began to scream. She suddenly dissapeared intp the light as well.

Toad: I don’t think Josh Fitzgerald liked English class, or at least he doesn’t pay attention in it.

Bowser woke up, nearly surrounded in pitch darkness. He slowly stood up. "HEIDI?!" he called. "HEIDI? ARE YOU HERE?" Bowser looked around. He could faintly hear the sound of a crying baby. "IS THAT YOU HEIDI?"

Iggy: Heidi: No, I’m the big bad Cookie Monster, and I want some Entenmanns!

He walked towards the noise. He walked inside the room and saw Heidi in a crib, crying. "Come here, Heidi," Bowser comforted.

Guest256: Heidi: Make me!

He was walking towards the crib when a strange yellow beam prevented him from going any further. "NO!" a deep voice said. "You must not go any further!"  "What do you mean?" Bowser demanded. "She's my daughter; I have a right to see her!"  "NO!" the voice boomed.

Toad: Voice: I care about some stupid baby that is of no relevance to anyone on Plit!

A red lazer hit Bowser.

Guest256: Normally I wouldn’t point out one small spelling error, but laser is actually an acronym…

Iggy: I guess lazer is Losers’ Are Ziggy’s Emu Rippers.

Toad: Kay…

He fell unconcious onto the floor. A dark, cloaked figure walked into the room. "Heidi is now mine!" the figure said. He walked up to crib. He took Heidi out of the crib, and, with a flash of light, dissappeared.  3 hours later, Bowser woke up. He was very groggy and could hardly open his eyes. He remembered taking Heidi to the playground, but that was all.

Iggy: Old people forget a lot of stuff.

Toad: You have something against old people?

He stumbled out of the room. He reached the doorway through which he had entered, but before he could reach the door, a flash of light appeared. He found himself back in his castle. Everything was the same except one thing: no Heidi. He didn't know where Heidi was or what happened to her. He was frightened.

Iggy: Bowser: Because my stupidest, most unrealistic daughter disappeared, I suddenly feel like hiding in a corner!

Clawdia came up to him carrying catsup, mustard, and relish. "Hi, dear! Why don't you bring Heidi outside for the cook-out?" Clawdia asked. "Uhhhhhhhhh. Okay," uttered Bowser.

Toad: Bowser: For this is utter stupidity.

"Great!" exclaimed Clawdia. She walked outside. Bowser was clueless.

Guest256: Bowser: Uh… Miss Scarlet in the Billiard Room with the Lead Pipe?

He didn't know what to do. He slowly walked outside, hoping that he would find Heidi.  Suddenly-
Bowser sat up in bed, sweating, and almost in tears. It was all a dream, that playground fiasco. Bowser got out of bed and walked toward Heidi's crib. She was crying very loudly.

Toad, Iggy, and Guest256: Shut up!

He took her out and started rocking her. "It's okay, Heidi," Bowser comforted, but she was still almost screaming.

Guest256: Almost, but not quite. She was just off by 600 decibels.

Clawdia got up and took Heidi from Bowser, but she was still crying. Bowser was still shaken from the dream he had had. Bowser couldn't stand the thought of losing any of his Koopalings.

Toad: Bowser: I can’t stand to lose any of my Koopalings! / Morton dies. / Bowser: Yeah! That’s one down!

He knew that the first seven would soon be full grown Koopas and leave for a life of their own. At least he knew he still had Heidi. But only for so long.

Kirathday (Thursday) afternoon, Bowser took all eight Koopalings to Vuath Lake for a family picnic.

Iggy: Where does Josh Fitzgerald get these names?

It was Katol 27th, Heidi's first birthday. Heidi knew that it was her birthday, and she was having a great time. They went for a swim, ate great food, and sang songs.

Toad: Such as “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”, referring to Heidi.

That was when a shocking thing happened: Ludwig and Iggy were down by the lake, fighting each other. Iggy had just shoved Ludwig onto the ground

Guest256: Iggy’s not strong enough to push someone as bulky as Ludwig to the ground!

Iggy: Hey!

Iggy tries to shove Guest256, but ends up with spikes in his palms.

when his shell came off.

All: Disgusting!

Iggy: I guess Lemmy made an exception to the family friendly rule.

As Ludwig was lying helpless on the ground, Iggy, Bowser, and Clawdia came to his aid. Then Ludwig stood up and brushed of the dirt. "I'm fine," he said. There was a haunting silence; not even Morton or Heidi made a noise. Ludwig was fine without his shell, which only meant one thing:

Guest256: He was a N-U-D-I-S-T.

Iggy: Gross, plain gross…

he was a grown-up Koopa.

Guest256: So all grown-up Koopas go around parading in R-rated movies?

The silence continued back at the castle that night. Barely the only words spoken were 'Good Night'. Ludwig couldn't get to sleep that night. All he could think of was what he would make of his life. Was he the only one? He couldn't stop thinking about what he was going to do. He got up out of bed and started to walk around his bedroom. He heard a knock on his door. He wondered who it could be at this time at night. It was 1:30 AM. He walked to the door and opened it. It was Lemmy. "What are you doing up at this hour?" asked Ludwig.

Toad: Hey, look who’s talking! You’re awake, too.

"I couldn't get to sleep." said Lemmy ironicly.

Iggy: I don’t see what’s so ironic…

"Oh really?" replied Ludwig. "I guess this means we're on the same brainwave.

Guest256: Won’t… say… anything… even… though… obvious… insult…

Toad: Weirdo.

Why are you visiting me?"

Iggy: Lemmy: I brought you some flowers!

Lemmy was hesitant. "I just want to say goodbye," he said,  quietly.  Ludwig laughed. "You're all taking this too far. I mean, we all knew this was going to happen some time."

Guest256: What was going to happen sometime? Josh Fitzgerald needs to be more specific.

Lemmy wasn't convinced. "We just didn't know it would be so soon." Lemmy was crying. "Ludwig, it's happened to me too!"

Guest256: Lemmy: I too have become a N-U-D-I-S-T going around starring in adult movies!

"Now, there's no reason to cry over it," Ludwig comforted.

"I don't want to grow up, Ludwig. I don't want to move away. What if I never see any of you again? We only knew Heidi for 1 year!" Lemmy was very upset by now.

Toad: Lemmy: Like everyone else in this danged story, my life revolves around Heidi!

"You're making a big deal out of nothing, Lemmy," Ludwig said. "You're just overtired." "NO!" Lemmy shouted. "I just wasn't made to be a grown-up Koopa! I can't bear being wihout my family!" Ludwig was shocked "Calm down, Lemmy! Stop it!"

Iggy: Apparently Josh Fitzgerald is shocked too, too shocked to use periods correctly.

They heard another cry. It was Heidi from upstairs. Lemmy ran out of the room. "LEMMY! COME BACK! PLEASE!" Ludwig called, frantically. Lemmy ran out of the door of the castle. "Leave me alone, Ludwig! If you're wondering where I'm going, I'm going to Grandma and Grandpa Koopa's fortress, and I'm going to stay there until I'm 273 years old!"

Iggy: Lemmy:  I can’t bear to leave you guys, so I’ll leave you guys! / Ludwig: Fine with me.

Toad: Besides, from what I’ve found out, Morton Sr. and Ozma would be long dead by now.

He stepped into Bowser's doomship.

Guest256: Oooh, Lemmy’s a hotwirer!

Ludwig was still calling him back. "Lemmy, come back! This is absolutely ridiculous!" But it was too late. Lemmy had already left. By daybreak, Lemmy was halfway there.  He did a good job controlling the ship for his first time.

Iggy: Well, I assume he has experience from driving his own doomship.

He soon saw something through the radar. It was another doomship coming at lightning speed. "Why is that guy going so fast?" Lemmy wondered. It was going 134 MPH

Guest256: Which is nowhere near lightning speed.

Iggy: That’s really slow for a doomship.

, and coming right towards Lemmy. Lemmy turned the wheel hard to the left.

Iggy: Uh, doomships aren’t controlled with steering wheels…

The persuer was still coming at him. Lemmy was beginning to worry. Before he could do anything else, the doomship came up to him and BANG!!!!!

Guest256: Woah, I knew Lemmy was an expert at cutting the cheese, but I still didn’t expect a “bang”!

The accident went so fast that he couldn't describe what happened to him. The doomship was badly damaged and uncontrollable. He was falling. He saw a hill coming and started to brace himself. The ship hit the hill and started to roll down it.

Iggy: Usually, you have to be round to roll…

It was steep hill with a river at the bottom.

Guest256: It was such [a] steep hill, that Josh Fitzgerald couldn’t use articles.

There was a branch sticking out of one part of the hill. Lemmy was almost unconcious.

Toad: Well, he’d probably be unconscious since the doomship crash.

His ball had already popped. The doomship hit the branch and stopped.

Iggy: Yes, a three-ton doomship suddenly stops from an untimely descent by a mere branch.

Lemmy didn't stop. He was bruised and battered and ready for his fate when he fell into the river below.

****************************

The year was 2222. The month was Jebnolt (October). All the Koopalings except Heidi were all grown up.

Toad: Well, this is more than 200 years after the other happenings, so the Koopalings would be far dead by now.

Guest256: They got reincarnated by the Hindus.

Lemmy had been presumed dead years ago. Heidi was 4 years old.

Toad: She must have a really slow aging process.

Iggy: I think all of the Koopalings would have been presumed dead years ago.

She could talk and could do practically anything.

Guest256: Her only boundary was the fact she was a zombie.

The first Koopa World War had been in full swing since 2220. Ludwig, Larry, Iggy, Morton, and Roy were away fighting Mario's army.

Guest256: Somehow, 200 years before the war began, those Koopa Kids foresaw the war and had asked the Hindus to reincarnate them so they could keep fighting.

Bowser's castle had nearly been destroyed in an attack.

Toad: Well, I think it would be destroyed by the aging and weathering first.

They had to find sanctuary temporarily. On a Rufgilday (Saturday), the battlefield seemed silent. Not a lazergun shot could be heard anywhere.

Iggy:  Makes perfect sense, since there’s no such thing as a “lazergun”.

The ruins seemed even more frightening and destructive than ever.

Guest256: Ruins: BOO! Haha, I’m frightening! Now, for the destructive part…

Bowser, Clawdia, and Heidi were walking around slowly within the destruction. "What a horrible shame!" Clawdia replied.

Toad: Who is she replying to?

Iggy: The voices!

"Turning this beautiful land into nothing!"

Iggy: Ruins don’t count as nothing…

"It's the war that was waiting to happen for years," said a slightly optimistic Bowser. "Clawdia, if we win this war, we'll never have to put up with Mario again!"

Guest256: I guess the Hindus revived Mario, too.

Clawdia was still upset. "Bowser, I've already lost one Koopaling, I don't want to lose another!" Clawdia was very sad. She didn't believe in the war. She had the feeling that something was going to happen. Something terrible.

Guest256: Something horrible. Something outrageous. Something called halted sentences.

In the distance, a electric cannon could be heard. A Koopa Troop passed by, carrying many weapons.

Iggy: A Koopa Troop? There’s only one.

Guest256: Well, I guess they cloned the Koopa Troop.

Soon, the effect was startling.

Toad: Soon, as opposed to when it happened.

Lazer guns and cannons were everywhere.

Toad: They were there, but they weren’t doing anything.

Iggy: There are no such things as lazer guns!

Bowser, Clawdia, and Heidi ran for their lives. They eventually made it to their cabin. "Close call, wasn't it Heidi?" Bowser said. There was no answer. "Where's Heidi?" asked Bowser. Clawdia gasped. "HEIDI!" she screamed.

Guest256: Pretty vocal for a zombie.

"NO NO NO!!" They screamed.

All: Sing the no song! No no no no no no…

The attack was louder.

Toad: As opposed to the sound created by the attack.

Bowser and Clawdia were too shocked to make a move.

Guest256: Oh, so suddenly this is an RPG?

"NO!!" Clawdia screamed again. Bowser and Clawdia broke into tears. They embraced and tried to make things seem better. Their faces were covered with dirt from the ruins.

Iggy: Since when do ruins make you dirty?

Toad: Eh, I dunno.

Their tears cleaned it off.

Guest256: I don’t think “cleaned” is the word, because your tears contain ammonia and they’re sorta dirty themselves.

Iggy: Maybe Clawdia and Bowser have glass faces.

Bowser moved away from Clawdia.

Guest256: Bowser: Back, demon!

He walked towards the door. He was going to find Heidi. "No, Bowser, you can't!! You'll be killed!!"

Toad: Zombies can be killed?

Bowser hesitated. "I'm willing to give up my life for her life," he said softly, and walked out the door.

Iggy: He doesn’t have a life, literally and figuratively.

Bowser almost couldn't move anymore. The attack had been a brutal one. He still found no trace of Heidi and he was ready to give up hope. Suddenly he heard something. It was a high pitched voice.  “Is that you Heidi?" he called.

Guest256: I doubt it, because zombies tend to have low-pitched voices.

He tried to run towards the voice, but his run was nothing more than a fast walk.

Guest256: Zombie’s can’t run.

Toad: He has pretty good hearing for a zombie.

He could understand the words being said. "Daddy, Daddy. please help me!" it cried.

Iggy: Voice: I can’t capitalize the first letter of my sentence!

Bowser then saw something. He slowly walked towards it. It was Heidi. She was terribly bruised and beaten. She had streaks of blood across certain spots of her face.

Guest256: Zombies don’t bleed.

She couldn't move an inch.

Iggy: I guess she was exposed to light.

Bowser said gently, "Heidi, it's me Daddy. It's me. I won't let anything happen to you."

Guest256: Bowser:  It’s me Daddy. You know the one who can’t use commas.

They reached their hands out towards each other. All of sudden was an explosion.

Iggy: Insert correct sentence structure here. Mix and wait a few days.

It cut off everything. The smoke was thick for a few seconds. When it cleared away, Heidi was dead.

Guest256: How do zombies die?

Bowser screamed, "NOOOO! PLEASE NO!"

All: Yes! Please yes!

He fell on the ground in a pool of tears. He felt his life was over.

Toad: Technically, it is.

He lost Heidi and Lemmy, and his other Koopalings off to fight in the war. He had no reason to stay alive.

Toad: He’ll be visiting those Hindus.

"Dad, Dad!" a deep voice said. "Can you hear me?"

Iggy: Bowser: No, as I have become deaf from the stupidity emitted from this story. Why do you ask?

Bowser looked up. There stood Lemmy.

Guest256: I guess the river spirits reincarnated him.

He looked weak and tired. Bowser looked worse. That meant nothing to Lemmy. "I'm alive," he muttered.

Toad: He referring to…

Bowser couldn't stand up. "Come here, son." Bowser said.

Iggy: Lemmy: Make me!

Lemmy was carrying clothing. He threw down the clothes

Iggy: AKA shells…

, and ran to his dad in a warm embrace.

Guest256: I thought Lemmy didn’t like warmth.

"Oh Lemmy, thank Dad you're here!" Bowser replied.

Guest256: Bowser: Thank Morton Sr. you’re here!

Their tears said everything. This was the best of times and the worst of times.

Guest256: Ooh, instance of plagiarism!

Toad: What medications was Lemmy on when he accepted this story into his Land?

Bowser had lost something, but gained something in return. And this time, it was no dream. The war lasted until 2227. Mario had won a bloody victory

Guest256: (angrily) ZOMBIES DON’T BLEED!

and chased the Koopa Troops out of their area.

Iggy: I guess they didn’t stop at cloning the Koopa Troop just once.

Bowser and Clawdia moved into a new castle and Iggy was expecting a baby Koopa in Unithria (February).

Toad: Zombies don’t give birth.

Guest256: Wouldn’t Iggy need a wife?

The family seemed to be happier than ever. Except something was missing: Heidi. Bowser and Clawdia lived by themselves for the rest of their lives. They were happy, and were prepared for their life ahead, but the memories of Monday's child would remain in the family forever.

The End

The three reviewers get up from their seats.

Guest256: Overall?

Toad: Trash.

Iggy: Trash.

Guest256: Trash.

The three leave.

Richard: I have yet to get those 1,000 coins…

Moral: Any story can get into Lemmy’s Land when you drug Lemmy.

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