Mystery Science Theater 4000: Nick’s Death

By Lord Seth, Misty Koopa, and Vapor

Little Lemmy's Land Qualifier

In the not too distant future,
Next Wednesday A.D.,
There lived a guy named Vapor,
A lot less lucky than you or me,
He blew up Lemmy's Interview room many times,
So Lemmy punished him for his crimes,
One too many times he blew up the place,
So Lemmy got mad and shoot him into spaaa-ace!

Lemmy: I'll send him cheesy stories,
The worst, in Lemmy's Land (lalala)
Up there he'll be out of my hair,
And'll soon be at my command! (lalala)
Now keep in mind Vapor can't control
When the stories begin or end (lalala)
He'll keep his limited sanity
With the help of his equally crazy friends!
Koopa Roll Call!
Vapor!
(None of us are Koopas! Shut up!)
Misty Koopa!
(Hey, I am!)
Lord Seth!
(Why am I always last in these things?)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts,
Repeat to yourself "Why should I care?
I should really just relax"!
It's Mystery Science Theater, 4000!

Lord Seth and Vapor are standing on the bridge of the Satellite of Pain.

Lord Seth: Now let’s see who was dumb, er, I mean smart, enough to take advantage of our offer! Vapor, hand me the box with all of the applicants. It’s probably completely empty, but...

Vapor hands Lord Seth the box. Lord Seth dumps its contents onto the table, only to find there are many, MANY papers in it.

Lord Seth: O-kay... The first application is... Bowser.

Vapor: No surprises there!

Lord Seth: The second application is... Bowser.

Vapor: Again, no surprises!

Lord Seth: The third application is... Bowser.

Vapor: See previous comment.

Lord Seth: The fourth application is... Bowser.

A few hours later...

Lord Seth: The millionth application is... Bowser.

Vapor: Zzz...

Lord Seth: The next application is... Bowyer!

Vapor is jolted awake.

Vapor: WHAT?!

Lord Seth: Oh wait, I read it wrong. It’s Bowser.

Vapor: Just put them in the sorter!

Lord Seth: Okay...

Vapor: Why didn’t I suggest that earlier?

Lord Seth puts all the various papers remaining in the sorter. It turns out they’re all from Bowser.

Lord Seth: Dang! Now what?

Vapor: Wait, there’s still one in the box!

Lord Seth: Okay, the last application is... Misty Koopa. Misty Koopa? Who's Misty Koopa?

Vapor: I don’t know, some tourist.

Lord Seth: Oh, THAT Misty Koopa.

Vapor: Well, whoever she is, beam her up!

Lord Seth: Aye aye, Vapor!

(Lord Seth presses a button to beam Misty Koopa up into the ship.)

Misty Koopa: What's going on?!

Lord Seth: Well, you applied to be on Mystery Science Theater 4000...

Misty Koopa: I never did! When was this?

A viewscreen appears and Lemmy is on it.

Lemmy: Fools! I submitted the application under her name!

Lord Seth: Fiend! I’ll get you for that!

Misty Koopa: WHAT?! You mean I have to sit through one of those stories?

Lord Seth: Um, yeah. Is this a bad time to say the teleporter is one-way?

Misty Koopa: *moan*

Alarms suddenly go off, lights flash, and the Satellite of Pain starts rocking around.

Lord Seth: Fun Fic sign! C’mon, one of you go with me. Uh, you’re new, so you come along, Misty.

Vapor: WHAT?! I’m supposed to be the star, I’m mentioned in the theme song numerous times! Why is it YOU always get the glory?

Lord Seth: Well, if you’d like to watch the story yourself...

Vapor: Never mind.

Various comical doors appear, and we see the shadows of Lord Seth and Misty Koopa settle into the chairs.

Nick's Death

Lord Seth: Whoa. He’s already ruined the ending.

Misty Koopa: Oh wow, I WONDER what happens in this story...

By Blackbelt

Lord Seth: Brought to you by the author who wrote Blackbelt’s Story, which didn’t make sense, had a lot of errors, and made a great LLST3K episode!

Misty Koopa: His name may be Blackbelt, but obviously his blackbelt wasn't in writing stories.

It was a quiet day at the castle as the Koopa Kids, along with Susan and Blackbelt, were watching the Mario 3 cartoon in the Koopa Lounge.

Lord Seth:
Iggy: You know what we’re seeing on this show? THIS would never really happen.
Larry: Iggy, this DID happen!
Iggy: Oh.

Misty Koopa:
Larry: If Susan is here, why aren't we running to our rooms screaming?
Lemmy: Eh? I dunno....

Then Bowser came in, followed by Nick Koopa.

Lord Seth: Wasn’t Nick frozen into ice?

Misty Koopa: Uh, ice doesn't last forever. Everytime I froze the Koopa Bros. whenever they tried to beat me up, they always returned a day or two later. Depends on when I decided to leave the house again.

Bowser: Nick is going to be spending the week here. If you don't like it, then TOUGH DARTS! Now be nice to Nick!

Lord Seth:
Roy: But that’s like asking us to be nice to Mario!

Misty Koopa:
Wendy: Except Mario doesn't try to kill us. Oh yeah, he does! Well, he doesn't want us out of the picture PERMANENTLY or else he'd be unclogging sinks before he knows it.

Lord Seth: Maybe Mario wouldn’t be trying to kill them if they didn’t try to kill him in the first place...

Bowser and Nick both leave the room.

Roy: Ah MAN! I have to be nice? DAT STINKS!

Lord Seth:
Roy: I tried that for one day, and then suddenly some writers in Lemmy’s Land got it into their heads that I’m nice all the time!

Misty Koopa:
Roy: That’s it, I'm getting my old rep back!
Larry: NOOO!!! STOP HITTING ME!!!

Larry: That, and we all remember what happened last time he was here.

Lord Seth:
Larry: He brought... Susan over!

Misty Koopa:
Susan: NOOOO! Hey, wait, I'M Susan!!!

Blackbelt: When was he last here?

Lord Seth: Sometime before now.

Misty Koopa: Oh, I don't know, 3479 A.D.? Or was it B.C.?

Lemmy: When you you had that disaster with Mt. Sumera.

Lord Seth:
Blackbelt: AAAAHHHH! DON’T MENTION THAT!!! NOOOO!!! ... By the way, what happened on Mt. Sumera?

Misty Koopa:
Lemmy: Uh, you know, Nick did... erm... bad things to us!
Wendy: He made us watch Teletubbies for two hours!!!

Blackbelt: Oh.

Iggy: He better not do what he did last time.

Lord Seth: Well, how are we supposed to know if he did it again if we don’t know what happened last time?

Misty Koopa: This is one of those times where I don't think we WANT to know what happened last time...

All: YEAH!

Crashes of machinery can be heard from upstairs.

Lord Seth:
Ludwig: Note to self: don’t stack up all of my machines like a big tower next time.

Misty Koopa:
Iggy: Either Mario is here, or King Dad crashed his Clown Copter again...

Ludwig: Quickly! It's coming from my room!

Lord Seth: Well, that’s the only place that has machinery, so it’s pretty obvious it’s his room.

Misty Koopa: No, it's coming from Wendy's room...

When the Koopa Kids get to Ludwig's room, they discover many machines destroyed.

Lord Seth: Well, considering most of Ludwig’s inventions blow up anyway, I doubt he’s too disappointed.

Misty Koopa: My point exactly. Who cares if some stuff blows up, next week there'll be a new pile of junk ready to be blown up or whatever... believe me on that one! (I still got the mark from when he made me try out his transporter machine...)

Ludwig: I'LL KILL WHOEVER DID THIS!!!

Lord Seth:
Ludwig: No, that’s not good enough. I’LL CONDUCT HORRIBLE AND PROLONGED EXPERIMENTS USING RADIATION AND CHEMICALS ON WHOEVER DID THIS!

Misty Koopa: No... Sorry Ludwig, killing is illegal, even if Mario "dies" 100 times in every game of his...

Voice: I did this.

Susan: That's Nick's voice!

Misty:
Ludwig: Nick? Why you little butthead! You wrecked my lab! That’s my job...

Lord Seth:
Susan: Heh heh heh. They’ll never guess I’ve really being taking ventriloquist lessons and can do an amazing impersonation of Nick’s voice. Now they’ll all get mad at him instead of me. Oh wait, did I just say that out loud? Drat.

Nick: Correct! By the way, I think you'll find something interesting in Morton's room.

Lord Seth
Iggy: This wouldn’t be the REAL script by any chance, would it?

Misty Koopa:
Morton: Oh no... He's probably wrecked my talk show recordings!!! *sob sob*

Morton, without saying a thing, rushes to his room, where he then screams.

Morton: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Lord Seth:
Morton: Nooooo! He burned all the scripts!

Misty Koopa:
Morton: *sob* I see a picture of Mario!

Everyone else comes.

Wendy: What's wrong?

Lord Seth:
Morton: The fact we’re in this story!

Misty Koopa: Well, let’s see what could be wrong... The room was flooded, Mario was hiding in his room, Luigi was in his room, there was a rattle snake, a tarantula, a Gila Monster, or worse... *shudder* Barney and the Teletubbies wanted to hug him!!!

Morton: THAT LITTLE @#$% BURNT ALL MY SPEECHES!!!

Lord Seth:
Morton: But who cares? I have backup copies.
Nick: I got those, too!
Morton: D’oh!

Misty Koopa:
Roy: THANK YOU NICK!!!

Larry: HURRAY!

Lord Seth:
Larry: Nick actually did something worthwhile!

Misty Koopa:
Wendy: Let's remember this moment because it'll be the last time this happens.

Morton: What's there to hurray about?! Me losing my seeches is like YOU losing your plants!

Lord Seth:
Larry: Not true! No one is ever annoyed by my plants! Well, except for maybe the Piranha Plant that started growing super-huge and destroyed half of the castle...

Misty Koopa:
Larry: Stupid! Plants are more useful. You can't eat any of yer speeches, but you can eat some products of my plants.

Larry: Oh no! My plants!

Lord Seth: My, they’re remarkably perceptive, aren’t they?

Misty Koopa: Lessie... First the speeches, now his plants... Meh, I'm guessing next it’s either Roy's bullying items, Wendy's makeup, Iggy's books, or Lemmy's balls...

Larry rushes into his room to see Nick destroying his three prized Mega Smilax.

Lord Seth: Then the Mega Smilaxes ate Nick for lunch. The End.

Misty Koopa: Dude, I doubt he's destroying them. Piranha Plants don't go down without a fight, so I highly doubt he can destroy three HUGE ones...

Larry: DIE NICK!

Lord Seth: Nick dies, fulfilling the title of this story. The End.

Misty Koopa:
Lakitu from my Interviews: (fling in) NO THREATS!!! We got children watching!

Larry, with inkoopa strength, runs towards Nick and kicks him. Nick flies across the room and makes a big crack in the wall.

Lord Seth: If Larry's this strong, why doesn't he stop Roy from beating on him?

Misty Koopa: Either that or Nick is very, very, VERY small, or light...

Roy:Man! Dat was ^#$&^*( STRONG!

Lord Seth:
Roy: Remind me not to mess with Larry’s plants.
Iggy: Okay. Don’t mess with Larry’s plants!
Roy: That’s not quite what I meant.

Misty Koopa: Since when does Roy say "dat" anyways? Who's he trying to be, Meowth?

Everyone else: NO DUH!

Nick: You are going to pay for that,Larry.

Lord Seth:
Nick: You’re going to pay me one million coins, or else!
Larry: Or else what?
Nick: I hate it when people say that.

Misty Koopa:
Larry: Lava Piranha!!!
Nick: ACK, NO, NOT HIM!!!
Larry: Then go away.
Nick: ... Okie dokie!

Nick then pulls out a Magic Wand and blasts Larry. Larry falls to the ground, limp, but alive.

Lord Seth: So Larry is strong enough to kick Nick into a wall, but will also fall to just one Magic Wand blast?

Misty Koopa: Now that’s just pathetic...

Lemmy: LAR-

Iggy: RY!

Lord Seth: Not this-

Misty Koopa: Gag again!

Blackbelt: Coward! He was unarmed and you used a weapon against him!

Lord Seth: Hey, Larry had his feet, that’s enough of a weapon!

Misty Koopa: Mario was practically unarmed, and they attacked him with Wands and stuff...

(Author's note: It's ok to do that on Mario, but on another Koopaling? That's just plain wrong!)

(Lord Seth’s note: Hey, Koopas don’t care about cowardice anyway. That’s why they always send their minions against Mario first, because they’re too afraid to fight him.)

(Misty Koopa's note: It’s not ok to do that to anyone. It just proves you WANT to be a bully but you're too afraid to.)

Nick: I would fight you, but I have more important things to do.

Lord Seth:
Nick: Like find a real plot.

Misty Koopa:
Nick: I must go and kill myself because I am supposed to die in this stupid, stupid story.

Nick disapears.

Susan: OH LARRY!

Lord Seth: Susan: Noooo! Now I won’t have anyone else to annoy!

Misty Koopa: I hope she doesn't kiss him... the last thing I need is "thoughts". Aw, dangit, they've already invaded my head!

Susan then bursts out crying.

Lord Seth: Then she dehydrates herself and is sent to the hospital. The End.

Misty Koopa: No, that can’t be the end. Nick hasn’t died yet.

Ludwig: He's still alive, you idiot!

Susan: (slowly) How can you tell?

Lord Seth:
Ludwig: Because it’s in the script!

Misty Koopa: Because when a Koopa dies their body magically evaporates into thin air. Oh wait, that's the stupid rule in the edited Dragonball Z! Silly me.

Ludwig: Should you look at his chest, you would see that it is still going up and down, and that shows a sign of breathing.

Lord Seth: Translation: Unless he’s a zombie, he’s alive.

Misty Koopa: That doesn't mean anything. You don't have to breathe for a while before you die. I know this because I almost did, once, sorta...

Roy:You're lucky you stopped talking when you did.

Ludwig:Why?

Lord Seth:
Roy: Because you were messing up the script!

Misty Koopa:
Lemmy: You've had a booger hanging from your nose for the past few minutes!
Ludwig: AUGH!!!

Roy: Cause I was about to make you shut up.

Lord Seth:
Roy: Duct tape isn’t only for Morton!

Misty Koopa:
Roy: Your yackin' is interupting my thinking!
Ludwig: You don't think anyways.
Roy: Oh yeah... Stupid me!

Ludwig: OH YEAH?!

Roy: YEAH!

Ludwig: OH YEAH?!

Roy: YEAH!

Lord Seth:
Ludwig: OH YEAH?!
Roy: YEAH!
Ludwig: OH YEAH?!
Roy: YEAH!
It went on like this for several hours. Nick died of boredom. The End.

Misty Koopa: I hate it when people do the "Oh yeah?! YEAH!" routine... tt gets old too fast...

Blackbelt: Stop, both of you! Larry requires immediatemedical attention.

Lord Seth:
Blackbelt: Good thing we all know CPR! Uh... what’s CPR stand for?

Misty Koopa: Interesting, I thought "immediate" and "medical" were seperate words. But I guess in Blackbelt's world that’s how it's spelled...

Morton: I'm going to have to agree with Blackbelt on this one, it looks like Larry could die.

Lord Seth: Just get him immediatemedical attention, whatever that is!

Misty Koopa: Duh, just make Kamek heal him with magic.

Susan starts crying again.

Roy: Good job Morton! You just made her cry more, you idiot!

Lord Seth: No, it wasn’t you, Morton. She’s just been taking whining lessons from Wendy.

Misty Koopa:
Susan: It wasn’t Morton. I saw a LITTLE BABY SPIDER!!!

Morton:Sorry.

Blackbelt: Lets get Larry to the best Koopa hospital know.

Lord Seth: Uh, when you put the words “best” and “Koopa” and “hospital” together, you arrive at a contradiction.

Misty Koopa: Ok, obviously Blackbelt doesn't know that there are no Koopa-only hospitals. At least, none in my area...

Voice: I don't think so.

All (but Larry): NICK!

Lord Seth: He’s STILL not dead yet?

Misty Koopa: I know a good way to kill him. Lock him in a room with only a TV that plays Barney and Teletubbies non-stop. It'd work for me.

Nick: Now to stop you from getting Larry to the hospital…

Lord Seth:
Nick: Yeah, those hospitals are horrible. I’m going to do the operation myself!

Misty Koopa:
Iggy: Good point, hospital food is disgusting...

A forcefield surrounds the Koopalings.

Morton: We can just blink ourselves outta here.

Lord Seth: How about winking? Does that work?

Misty Koopa: Wow, I never knew BLINKING could shut off forcefields.

Morton tries to blink himself out of the forcefield but then gets shocked.

Lord Seth:
Morton: Okay people, don’t blink!
Iggy: Easier said than done...

Misty Koopa: I still can't understand why he'd think blinking would kill the forcefield...

Morton: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

The forccefield starts to close in on the Koopalings.

Lord Seth:
Ludwig: Don’t panic! I saw this somewhere... To escape, all we need is a spaceship, a proton degenerator, a photon accelerator, and a toilet.

Misty Koopa: Why worry, right before the forefield kills them all, they’ll be saved, and most likely Nick'll die and everyone'll live happily ever after because Nick is dead.

Nick: Hah! I will crush you all itno oblivion!

Lord Seth: I wonder what "itno oblivion" is.

Misty Koopa: Beats me...

Blackbelt:YOU TRULY ARE A COWARD!

Lord Seth: Hey, looks who’s talking, Mr. I’ll-try-to-attack-Mario-while-heavily-armed-while-he-is-not!

Misty Koopa:
Nick: I may be a coward, but I'm a SMART coward!

Lemmy: Let's not worry about him now!

Lord Seth:
Lemmy: Yeah, let’s worry about how to get out of this story!

Misty Koopa:
Lemmy: Let’s all meditate and relax so we won't panic.
Wendy: Idiot.

Iggy: We need to get out of here!

Lord Seth:
Iggy: Look! I found a penny! Maybe we can bribe Nick!

Misty Koopa: Oh, let me guess, there’s a big gap in the forcefield just like in the battle with Parasite Queen in Metroid Prime...

Larry: (very slowly and weakly) Warp pipe... floor.

Lord Seth: Story... cheesy.

Misty Koopa: I wonder how Larry knew about this but no one else did... I mean, Nick should've thought of it.

Susan: LARRY!

Susan is about to hug Larry, but is stopped by Ludwig.

Lord Seth:
Ludwig: We don’t want this story turning into Family Circus!

Misty Koopa:
Ludwig: STUPID!!! You're going to kill Roy's punching bag if you do!

Ludwig: You fool! His body is very damaged and your hugging him could progress it!

Susan:Oh.

Lord Seth:
Ludwig: That, plus the fact he’ll live anyway.

Misty Koopa: Progress it?! Eh, I'm guessing it's really fancy talk for damaging it...

Larry: Warp pipe... floor.

Lord Seth:
Larry: Leads out... of story.

Misty Koopa: Is it just me, or do we have an echo going here? Oh, pardon me, it's a broken record.

Blackbelt: SSSSHHHHH!

Lord Seth: Why do they have to be quiet?

Misty Koopa: So Nick doesn't hear, I guess. Meh, they could probably scream in a megaphone and he won't hear...

Larry: Warp pipe... floor.

Misty Koopa: Larry broken... record.

Lord Seth:
Lemmy: Hey, Larry! Larry boy! What is it, boy? Bowser trapped in an abandoned warp pipe? Without food or water? He can’t escape? You can only speak in really short sentences?

Ludwig: Roy, punch the floor really hard.

Lord Seth:
Roy: How hard? Really hard, really really hard, really really REALLY hard, or really really really-
Ludwig: Just punch it!

Misty Koopa: Dude, if it's a secret passage to the warp pipe, they just need to find the switch, or if the floor is tiled just try to yank them up.

Roy punches the floor open, revealing a warp pipe.

Lord Seth: Whoa, who didn’t see THAT coming?

Misty Koopa:
Larry: Down... pipe.
Roy: No duh, Sherlock.

Iggy: Come on!

Lemmy: Let's go!

Lord Seth: Boy, and Nick is doing NOTHING to try to stop them?

Misty Koopa: Bet the next thing that happens, other than them going down the pipe, is that he goes mad yelling at them like some idiot.

Susan then picks up Larry and everyone goes into the warp pipe.

Lord Seth: Well, Ludwig told her not to hug him, but will let her pick him up. What’s the big difference between hugging him and picking him up?

Misty Koopa: Sounds idiotic to me.

They all end up in the Grass Land palace.

Lord Seth: Man, what are the odds of that warp pipe actually taking them there?

Misty Koopa: And then they got kicked out by the guards because they are Koopas and Mushroomers hate Koopas.

Servant: Welcome to-

The servant sees Larry.

Lord Seth:
Servant: Um, welcome to someplace that definitely isn’t the Grass Land Palace, so forget trying to take it over.

Misty Koopa:
Servent: KOOPALING!!!
The servant runs headlong into a wall and faints.

Servant: ACK! WHAT THE %$!^ HAPPENED TO KING LARRY?!

Lord Seth: Ex-King Larry, you mean.

Misty Koopa: Apparently this is the Koopa side of Grass Land, I'm guessing.

Susan: Nick Koopa hurt him.

Blackbelt: Stop talking and get him to the medical section of the hospital NOW!

Lord Seth: Isn’t the entire hospital the medical section?

Misty Koopa: The area where the babies are born isn't medical, I think...

Servant: Ok.

Lord Seth:
Servant: But WHICH part of the medical section do you want?

Misty Koopa: The servent goes and gets Dr. Mario, who shoves Mega Vitamins down Larry’s throat instead of curing his broken bones.

Susan: Tell the doctors that will be taking care of him that if he dies, it'll be there heads in my trophy room.

Lord Seth: Well, considering the only doctor currently there is Dr. Mario, I think it’ll be pretty hard to follow through with that threat.

Misty Koopa: If she's trying to sound threatening, it’s not working...

The servant nods, then takes Larry and leaves.

Lord Seth: So when does Nick die? I’ve been waiting an awfully long time.

Misty Koopa: It better be soon, I want to go play a Metroid game or something.

Blackbelt: Now, let's return to Bowser's Keep and teach Nick a lesson.

Lord Seth:
Blackbelt: Now, should the lesson be in math, science, or geography?

Misty Koopa: When will they learn... You gotta YELL to sound threatening!!!

Morton: Okely Dokely!

Lord Seth:
Roy: Oh no! It’s really Ned Flanders in disguise!

Misty Koopa: Wow, I had no idea Morton was a single parent who is waaaay too cheerful and so-

Lord Seth: Remember to keep this family friendly.

Misty Koopa: Uh, forget what I was about to say, then.

Roy: Yeah!

Ludwig: Nick shall be pounded into oblivian!

Lord Seth: Wherever oblivian is.

Misty Koopa: Never fear, Nick'll die, eventually... preferably in the next five seconds.

Wendy: He shall be punished!

Lord Seth:
Wendy: Give him a time-out!

Misty Koopa: Then do what the story says and kill him already!

Iggy: I agree!

Lemmy: Ditto!

Lord Seth: I wish this would just get to the point... the longer the story is, the more agony we have to go through!

Misty Koopa: For some reason, I am reminded of my Kindergarden days where I was forced to watch Barney every morning. Yes, I did not like it even then.

Susan: Right!

The castle suddenly shakes,and an explosion is heard.

Lord Seth:
Lemmy: I KNEW we should’ve raised the wages of those Bob-Ombs!

Misty Koopa: *yawn* And in two seconds Nick'll jump through a window and a big fight'll break out, and if we're lucky, Nick'll die.

General: THE CASTLE IS UNDER ATTACK!

Lord Seth: ... by Nick’s evil clone.

Misty Koopa: But Nick was already evil!

Lord Seth: Exactly. An evil clone of someone evil produces a good clone, and the good clone would clearly want to attack Koopa Kastle because Bowser is evil. Well, evil and stupid. Wait a minute, they’re not at Koopa Kastle. Nevermind.

Troopa: I have a message from the enemy! It says"Hand over the Koopalings or die." It is signed by Nick Koopa.

Lord Seth: Let me guess, THIS is what he did last time he was at Koopa Kastle.

Misty Koopa: Oy, why do people call us TROOPAS?! We're KOOPAS for crying out loud, it comes before the Troopa!!!

Koopalings: NICK!

Troopa: We should surrender!

Lord Seth:
Troopa: We only outnumber them one thousand to one! It’s hopeless!

Misty Koopa: I hate it when people portray Koopa Troopas as completely weak and helpless...

Lord Seth: Maybe they portray them that way because they ARE weak and helpless!

Misty Koopa: One more crack about Koopas being weak and helpless and you'll feel my "weakness".

Lord Seth: You forget I’m invincible.

Misty Koopa: Not my fault I was born a Koopa. Think I had a choice?!

Blackbelt: NO! Larry wouldn't want us to surrender!

Lord Seth:
Blackbelt: Larry would want us to fight and all die, so he’d get the throne!

Misty Koopa: Oh brother. I feel a moral coming up.

Troopa: But who will command the troops?

Lord Seth:
Troopa: Let’s see... Eenie, meenie, miney, moe, catch a Mega Mole by the toe...

Misty Koopa: It’s called “every Koopaling grabs umpteen Koopas and makes them obey orders”.

General: Larry told me once that if he cannot command the troops, Lemmy wiil.

Lord Seth:
General: Wait, did he say Lemmy, or was it Iggy? No, maybe it was Roy. No, I’m sure he actually meant Ludwig. No, he said Wendy. No, that can’t be correct, it must be Roy. Wait, maybe he did mean Lemmy...

Misty Koopa:
Roy: BOOO!!! I'm the one with all the strength!
Ludwig: Well I got technique and more brains, plus I'm older. It should be ME.

Lemmy: WHY ME?!

Lord Seth: Because it’s in the script!

Misty Koopa:
Larry: Because... I said... so!

General: How should I know? Anyway, we need a ruler.

Lord Seth:
Lemmy: Uh, we’re out of rulers. Is a meterstick okay?

Misty Koopa: I thought Larry was gonna live.

Lord Seth: I think they mean a temporary ruler.

Lemmy: Very well. General, rally the troops and prepare for a full frontal assult on Nick's doomship.

General: WHAT DOOMSHIP?! He's just out there flying and zapping things with his Wand.

Lord Seth:
General: Though his wand does have an uncanny resemblance to a doomship...

Misty Koopa: I wonder how Nick flies. I wonder if when he realizes he doesn't have wings he'll fall and break his neck. I wonder why I am wondering like this...

Lemmy: Oh.

Roy: Dat means he's vulnerable.

Lord Seth:
Roy: Well, if he didn’t have all those bodygaurds about and didn’t have that personal shield around him and it was possible to get within three feet of him because of his electrical field preventing us from doing so and he didn’t have his wand, then he’d be vulnerable. But it’s close enough.

Misty Koopa: Why does Roy keep saying "dat" anyways?

Ludwig: You are indeed correct, Roy. He will be easy to shoot down.

Lord Seth:
Ludwig: ... with a 50-ton cannonball fired from a mile-wide cannon!

Misty Koopa: Yep, that's what they all say...

Iggy: So let's-

Lemmy: -attack!

Lord Seth: And have this-

Misty Koopa: -dumb gag repeated!

Morton: Ok!

Susan:I would like to stay inside here and sit at Larry's bedside.

Lord Seth:
Susan: Well, the real reason is because I’m too afraid to fight Nick, but you’re probably dumb enough to fall for this one.

Misty Koopa: *coughcoughSusanischickencough*

Lemmy:Ok, then-

Iggy: -you may.

Lord Seth: I’m not even going to mention-

Misty Koopa: -this gag again.

Susan: Thank you.

Susan leaves.

Lord Seth: Unfortunately, when Larry woke up, the first thing he saw was Susan. This caused him to fall into a two-month coma.

Misty Koopa: But Susan does not go to Larry's beside. Instead she runs out of the palace to the candy store and buys 200 pounds of candy for herself.

Troopa: Young lady, would you like to take the office of relief?

Wendy: I would be happy to.

Lord Seth:
Troopa: Uh, I don’t think we mean the same "relief" you think we mean.

Misty Koopa: I wonder why he's calling Wendy "young lady". Usually Wendy makes everyone call her "The Beautiful Fabulous Princess Wendy O. Koopa"...

Troop: Ok then, please come with me.

Lord Seth: So the Troopa has multiplied into a Troop. I thought we had enough clones in our LAST episode...

Misty Koopa: Looks like we have a REAL attack of the clones here....

Wendy and the Troopa leave.

Lemmy: All right, guys. We will all help the Grass Land forces and attack Nick.

Lord Seth: Boy, they’re overdoing this, aren’t they? Can’t they just attack him and kill him by themselves, and finish the story?

Misty Koopa: I wish they would. I know a nice good way to do it too. Give them some brass knuckles, sticks, chains, and pipes, and they can gang up on him and beat him up River City Ransom style.

Morton: Why?

Lord Seth:
Lemmy: Because some unseen force known as the author has commanded us to.

Misty Koopa:
Lemmy: Because I said so, ya dope!

Blackbelt: Either we fight now with help, or we fight later without help.

Lord Seth:
Blackbelt: Both have their own pros and cons, so I say we fight later!

Misty Koopa:
Blackbelt: Personally, I say we don't fight period, but that’s just me.

Morton: Makes sense to me.

Lord Seth:
Morton: Unlike this story.

Misty Koopa: Unlike the fact Nick should've destroyed the palace by now.

Ludwig: Very well then.We shall fight.

Lord Seth:
Ludwig: We shall fight the fact there are no spaces between our sentences!

Misty Koopa: Dude, if he is trying to sound important or something it’s not working. He needs to put feeling into it!

Roy: Lemmy just said dat!

Lord Seth: I can’t believe dat Roy said "dat" again.

Misty Koopa: And Roy wins the $1.00 question! His prize: diddly squat!

Ludwig: Oh yeah.

General: Sir! The troops are ready!

Lord Seth:
General: They’re ready to mutiny!

Misty Koopa: Let’s get ready to rumbbbbbbble!!!

Lemmy: Ok! On my mark, release the troops.They will distract Nick while we prepare a sneak attack.

Lord Seth:
Lemmy: Now all we need is to know what a sneak attack is!

Misty Koopa: And of course, the bad guy rule where they see the sneak attack before it happens will probably occur.

General: YES SIR!

Lord Seth:
General: Heh heh heh. Little does he suspect I’m really a double agent working for Nick! And little does NIck suspect that I’m really a double agent working for Larry! And little do I suspect that I need to get out of this story before it gets any worse!

Misty Koopa: And now comes the battle, which shall probably be very boring.

The General leaves.

Blackbelt:One question, how will get up to Nick to attack?

Lord Seth:
Iggy: Have you tried jumping?

Misty Koopa: I know a good way. Have someone dress like a really pretty Koopa so Nick'll fly down, then sneak up behind him and pulverize him into the ground.

Iggy: We can use the spell of flight.

Lord Seth:
Iggy: Like this!
Iggy mutters a few magic words and instantly is turned into a hen.
Iggy: Whoops... wrong spell.

Misty Koopa: Or you could get on the backs of Koopa Paratr- Wait, no, scratch that, my grandpa is a Koopa Paratroopa. I don’t want him squashed by Ludwig.

Blackbelt: I guess that would work…

Lord Seth:
Blackbelt: ... if we actually had a spell of flight!

Misty Koopa: Can't they just launch themselves from Bill Blasters? I would.

Lemmy (over intercom): General, release the troops... NOW!!!

Lord Seth:
Lemmy: And get me some coffee while you’re at it!

Misty Koopa: I wonder how Nick doesn't hear them...

But nothing happened.

Lord Seth: ... because they lost the script and couldn’t figure out what to do.

Misty Koopa: It's called a dramatic pause. That or Nick already killed them off.

The shadows of Lord Seth and Misty Koopa, for apparently no reason, suddenly get up and leave the theater, and we see the comical set of doors AGAIN, though in reverse. Again.

Vapor: So, I see that you’re back for no apparent reason.

Lord Seth: So, what have you been up to while we were in there?

Vapor: Well, I managed to find some escape pods.

Misty Koopa: Really?

Vapor: Yeah, but they can each only be used once.

Lord Seth: So?

Vapor: So, I tested one out to make sure that it was safe.

Lord Seth: So?

Vapor: And then I took the others for test flights to make sure that THEY were safe.

Misty Koopa: WHAT?!

Vapor: But I have some good news.

Lord Seth: What?

Vapor: They were safe!

Misty Koopa: So now we have some useless escape pods?

Vapor: SAFE useless escape pods. Maybe we can sell them on eBay!

Lord Seth: *groan* Could we go to commercial break now? I need some time alone...

The commercials begin...

Bowser: Come on by to Bowser’s Useless Junk! Hammer Bros., show our contestants what they could win!

Hammer Brother 1: THIS ISN’T A GAME SHOW!

Bowser: Humor me.

Hammer Brother 2: You don’t even know what that means!

Bowser: Well... I... uh... THROW HIM IN THE DUNGEON!!!

Hammer Brother 1 drags Hammer Brother 2 away.

Bowser: Anyway, we have tons of useless junk. Examples include: a solar-powered flashlight, a screen door for a submarine, a helicopter-ejector seat, a rechargable battery (batteries not included), and an electronic waterbed with real electricity and real water and very bad insulation! Why, just listen to some of our satisfied customers!

Koopa Troopa: Bowser’s Useless Junk was of great help to me in finding useless junk! Be sure to go there!

A few seconds later...

Koopa Troopa: Can I get paid now?

Bowser: MORON! WE’RE STILL ON CAMERA! SEND HIM TO THE DUNGEON!!!

The Koopa Troopa is dragged into the dungeon.

Bowser: And another customer...

Vapor: Bowser’s Useless Junk was of great help to me in finding all sorts of gifts for my interviewees! Just be sure not to go there if you want useful things!

Bowser: WHAT?! You’re only supposed to say you should go there! TO THE DUNGEON WITH HIM!!!

Goomba: But sir, he’s in outer space! We can’t take him there.

Bowser: I can’t stand incompetent (what does that mean anyway?) minions! TO THE DUNGEON!

The Goomba is dragged into the dungeon.

Bowser: And just because I’m feeling cruel, send all of my kids to the dungeon! And while you’re at it, send everyone else to the dungeon! Hmm... maybe I’m being too cruel. SEND ME TO THE DUNGEON!!!

Some Hammer Brothers try to grab Bowser but Bowser, in his stupidity, takes this as a sign of aggression and sends them all to the dungeon.

Bowser: Well, it looks like everyone’s in the dungeon. We’d better add an expansion to that soon. That was fun. Better go to the dungeon now!

The commercial ends.

Lord Seth: Vapor, how could you be there when you’re here?!

Vapor: They taped that before I was sent up here.

Lord Seth: Oh. Well, I’m feeling perplexed.

Misty Koopa: About what?

Lord Seth: About everything, but especially how Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi are fine even though they were supposedly frozen into ice in Lemmy’s Success, yet Lemmy clearly isn’t the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom, as it said there. Let’s see what they have to say...

The viewscreen turns on, and Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi are on it.

Lord Seth: Mario! Luigi! Yoshi! Help us out here! How are you still around and Peach still is the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom if Lemmy won with those marbles?

Mario: Heh heh. Do you really think we’re dumb enough to think he just called us over to play marbles?

Misty Koopa: Yes.

Mario: Well we weren’t! We secretly had some Fire Flowers with us. We used them to melt the ice and escaped, then beat up Lemmy and threw him out.

Vapor: Didn’t Peach sign something making him the ruler?

Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi: Lemmy didn’t read the fine print.

Lord Seth: But why didn’t you get out immediately?

Mario: Because Lemmy would just freeze us again! We waited until he was gone!

Luigi: Hey, wait a minute! I was there, and that’s NOT how it happened! What really happened was that the ice just thawed on its own after 24 hours, and best of all, once you’ve been trapped in it, you’re immune to it!

Yoshi: That's not true! What really happen is that Peach beat up Lemmy and threw him out, then got us out of the ice.

Misty Koopa: Since when was Peach so strong?!

Yoshi: Since Super Smash Bros. Melee! The only reason Bowser even manages to kidnap her is because of the element of surprise.

Mario: No, that’s not what happened! What really happened was-

Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi all get into an argument, finally causing Lord Seth to shut off the viewscreen.

Lord Seth: (to the camera) Well, it looks like we’ll never know exactly how Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi got out of that trap. All we know is that Lemmy should read the fine print from now on. And anyway-

Again, alarms suddenly go off, lights flash, and the Satellite of Pain starts rocking around.

Vapor: Why does this always happen when we’re in the middle of ending something?

The doors open in the comical sequence and the shadows of Lord Seth and Misty Koopa settle into the theater...

Read on!

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