Paper Mario Cut: The 999-Year Window

By Maguskoopa

Chapter 5: The Smorgasbord of Nibbles

LAST TIME, ON THIS STUPID FF…

Mario and Co. went in the pipe to Twilight Town and got the Ruby Star. THERE! HAPPY?!

Crowd: NOOOOOO!!!

Maguskoopa: Too bad.

The crowd pelts Maguskoopa with bricks.

Maguskoopa: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! BRICK SHIELD!

Maguskoopa causes a brick-repelling shield to appear. Unfortunately, the crowd has switched to cinderblocks.

Maguskoopa: OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!

I run into the narrator’s position again.
 

In Frankly’s office…

Frankly: Oh yeah! You got the Crystal Star!

Mario: No, the Ruby Star.

Vivian: Yeah, the Crystal Star isn’t until Chapter 7.

Frankly: No, the Ruby Crystal Star.

Goombella: OHHHHHHHHH! I see!

Koops: You do?

Doopliss: You like hot dogs?

Goombella: YEAH! BUY *commercial kicked out of the FF*

In “The Freeze Gun”…

Lemmy: I hate you, Mario Bros! Huh? AAAAGH! Ugh… BUY *commercial kicked out of FF section*

In “CPF’s Chucksterama”…

Chuckster: BUY *commercial banned from site*

Meanwhile, the party has gone to the 999-Year Window. Mario holds the map up on the pedestal. Cool flashy effects happen, Mario gets a way cool drawing power that looks like it should go on a DS, and a blue Crystal Star appears on an island.

Koops: A new Crystal Star has revealed itself!

Vivian: Uhhh… Just how many “Xiaolin Showdown” DVDs did you watch at that inn?

Koops: 342, each with five episodes.

Goombella: 1,710 EPISODES?!

Koops: Yaaah!

WHAM! BOOF! POWW! NO TARGET SPECIFIED. ATTACK MISSED.

Koops: @($&*@*#&$*@&$*@&$!

Vivian: While Koops was acting like an idiot, a large cave shaped like a skull appeared on the island.

Doopliss: Ack! It’s Keelhaul Key!

Mario: What?

Doopliss: Keelhaul Key is a cursed island. According to sailor legend, no one has ever come back from a voyage to it.

Mario: AAAAUUUGGHH! WE HAD A GHOST STORY LAST CHAPTER! IF THIS GOES ON, THE MARIO SERIES WILL TURN INTO *SHUDDER* A #&@(%&#%*@&#%(* SILENT HILL GAME!!!

Goombella: Uh… Maybe we should find some guy who can take us there?

Koops: Oooh, how about the apparently drunken guy singing his song in the bar?

Mario: The one with the pirate hat? YEAH, perfect!

Inside the bar…

The Guy: At the bassa-boom festivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaa *gasp* aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllGHHKKKACKKK! FLAVIO IS DYING!

Flavio (the guy) dies.

Mario: Now where are we going to find a boat captain?

Doopliss: Never fear, I can fly a boat.

Vivian: Uhhh, you “sail” a boat.

Doopliss: Aaaah, same difference. Now, all we need is a boat and a battle-scarred Bob-omb. The Bob-omb is so we can continue the storyline.

Goombella: I saw one in that house near Frankly’s! Let’s go!

The party runs over to the house, passing the Bob-Oob Superstore (Battle-scarred Bob-ombs FREE!).

Goombella: I’ll try the door.

Click click!

Goombella: It’s locked.

Koops: Let me try! HI-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

THUNK!

Koops: OW!

Vivian: *sigh* Can’t we just use the chimney?

Rest of Party: …

Vivian: What?

Rest of Party: …

Vivian: Oh, fine. FIERY JINX!

FWOOSH! The door is set on fire in a blazing inferno. However, through some weird coincidence, the door does not unlock.

Mario: Oh fine, we’ll use the chimney.

The party finds that the “chimney” is small and tube-shaped.

Koops: PRINGLE TIME! WOOHOO!

Vivian: Not a chance. EMBER!

The ember attack shoots down the chimney.

Goombella: VIVIAN YOU IDIOT, A BOB-OMB LIVES IN THERE!!!

Vivian: Uh… Oops?

A hissing sound can be heard from the house.

Goombella: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?! YOU KNOW THAT BOB-OMBS EXPLODE WHEN TOUCHED BY THE LEAST BIT OF FIRE! AND NOW YOU-

The hissing sound stops.

Mario: Oh-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!

The force of the explosion catapults the party to the ocean one foot in front of Keelhaul Key. Naturally, a Nibbles bites Mario.

Mario: OW!

Mario jumps onto the land. The rest of the party appears.

Doopliss: Hey, are the fish biting?

Mario: Verrrrry funny.

Koops: Well, now that we’re all here, let’s head off into that bug-infested jungle!

Goombella: Why?

Koops: Would you rather swim back?

Nibbles: YES! YES! SWIM BACK!

Goombella: Good point…

So, the intrepid party journeys to the jungle. Suddenly…

Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

A Fuzzy attacks.

Fuzzy: Mee-YORK!

Mario: KIILLLLL THE EEEEVIL FUZZYYY BeZeRkEr!!!

Fuzzy: EEIIIAAAIIIIIIIIOOOOOUUUUUU!!!

The Fuzzy is killed.

Doopliss: Uh…

Goombella: Great, there’s twice as many Fuzzies here as there were in the Shhwonk Fortress. Which means…

Mario: I MUST KILL ALL THE FUZZIES!

Goombella: We gotta run fast.

Doopliss hoists Mario onto his back, and the party runs as fast as they can until they reach a rickety bridge. Unfortunately, the bridge snaps, causing the party to plummet into the sea below. A Nibbles bites Mario again.

Mario: OW!

The party then jumps out of the water and lands on a tiny island with only two coconuts and a warp pipe on it.

Vivian: Oo! Coconuts!

Vivian picks the coconuts.

Koops: Hey, guys! I found a warp pipe over here!

Mario: But where’s it lead to?

Goombella: I don’t know, but anywhere is better than here!

Everyone jumps into the pipe, which, aside from leading to the other side of the bridge, is filled with water. And where there’s any water, there’s a Nibbles.

Mario: OW!

Doopliss: Let’s keep going.

They keep going until they reach a large rock that looks like a skull.

Goombella: Hey, this rock looks like a skull!

Vivian: Hey, you’re right.

Mario: What could this mean? Is this skull an omen of what’s going to happen to us? Is Pikachu REALLY in love with Mr. Potato Head? Will the party escape the dastardly Mr. Nibbles?! Find out NEXT TIME!

Koops: Uhhh… Does anyone get the feeling that something very painful is going to happen to us right now?

The camera zooms out to reveal that the ground where the party is standing is really a camouflaged Chain Chomp.

Vivian: AAAAAAAAHHH AAAAAHHH AAAAAAAAHHHHH-

CHOMP! The party is eaten, but what is thought to be a Chain Chomp is really an alternate entrance to Pirate’s Grotto.

Mario: Are we in Pirate’s Grotto?

Goombella: Judging by what the author said, yes.

Mario: And wasn’t this supposed to be a horror chapter?

NUMBERREALLYHIGH of ghosty pirate things appear.

Doopliss: Nice going, bigmouth.

Morton: Hey what did I do I never did anything wrong huh huh huh this is my first entrance since chapter 1 and I’m speaking so fast most punctuation is gone OW PAIN!

The Ninji from Chapter 3 dropkicks Morton.

Morton: AND I DON’T LIKE WEDDING CAKE SO THERE!

Morton is thrown out of the grotto.

Koops: ONWARD!

“Monty Python and the Holy Grail” music plays as the party ventures onward. Eventually, they come into a room where there are a lot of SPIKES and DIFFICULT JUMPS OVER WATER, not to mention the EMBERS, which are the GHOSTY PIRATE THINGS-

A teenager with white hair floats into the room and sucks all the Embers into a thermos.

Mario: Um...

Vivian: I didn’t know there was a portal between the Nickelodeon Universe and this universe.

Mario: You know him?

Vivian: Yeah, he’s from a great show!

Teenager: Um, I’m still here. And my name’s Danny.

Goombella: GACK! CAMEO APPEARANCE! NEED AIR!

Danny: I can see I’m not needed.

Danny floats out of the room, just as 15 google Embers attack. (A google is a one followed by 100 zeroes).

Koops: GNGNGNGNGNGNGNGNGNGNGNGNGNGN!!!

Doopliss: Fear not, I have a Black Hole Generator in my pocket!

Doopliss, using the Black Hole Generator, sucks 14.9999999999999 google Embers into a black hole, which then explodes, blowing out the last few.

Maguskoopa: Way cool! You get a raise.

Doopliss: YAAAAAAAYYY!

A Nibbles bites Mario.

Mario: OW! THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!!!

Oops, I forgot he didn’t land in water. You get a raise too, Mario.

Mario: YES!

The party ventures onward, coming to a room with a gate connected to a chain connected to a reel missing a handle. Mario runs onward, but then falls into a small stream. A Nibbles bites Mario.

Mario: OW!

Koops: Hey, Mario, come look at this cool contraption! But it’s missing a handle…

Goombella: My advice is to use this spare handle in my hat.

Goombella, using the handle, lifts the gate. This allows access to another part of the cavern, but the only way to reach it is by water.

Vivian: Well, that was useless.

Doopliss: Still… Let’s go in that door!

The party goes through the door. Inside is a shipwreck with a hole in the side, a lake separating the ship from the party, and barrels floating on the lake.

Mario: I’m not gonna even try.

Nibbles: Then how will you get across?

Mario: Using my Hookshot, neener neener neener.

Nibbles: (*$%&*$(&%(*&%(*$&(*$&%!!!

Mario fires the Hookshot, which latches onto a beam in front of the boat. The party grabs onto the handle of the Hookshot and swings over the water, grazing the surface and just missing the Nibbles that tries to bite them.

Goombella: ALL RIGHT!!!

Unfortunately, the party smashes into the side of the boat, causing it to sink completely. And there was a black chest inside.

Chest: HELP! HELP! GET ME OUT! I’LL TEACH YOU A NEW MOVE!

Mario opens the chest with a crowbar. An evil spirit comes out.

Spirit: NOW, FOOL, YOU WILL BE CURSED WITH THE ABILITY TO TURN INTO A PAPER BOAT!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHABLUBLUBULBUBLLUB!!!

The spirit falls into the water and dissolves.

Spirit: I’M MELLLTING!! MEEEEEEELLLLTIIIINNNNNBLURBLEFIZZ!!!

Koops: What was that about a paper boat?

Mario: O_O

20 minutes later…

Mario: AAUUUUAAAUUUAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Mario, now a paper boat, falls down several waterfalls and lands in another part of the Grotto. The rest of the party is in his pocket.

Goombella: Heh. Now all we have to do is get over there! Easy!

A wave smacks Mario, sinking him and carrying him back to the entrance of the room.

Mario: That was uncalled for!

Vivian: Apparently we need to avoid those waves.

Doopliss: Wait! I have an idea! All we have to do is fold Mario a little, and…

15 minutes later…

Doopliss: Tada! Paper Surfboard Mario! Now let’s shred some gnarly waves, dude! What? Huh? Did I just say “gnarly”?

Koops: Yes.

Doopliss: I SAID GNARLY!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

SPLOOSH! A wave hits Mario the surfboard, causing him to flip over and over, clearing all of the waves and flying into the next room. Mario changes back into his regular form.

Mario: Stop the world, I’d like to get off.

Mario faints.

Koops: Uh, Mario? Mario? MARIO!

Mario wakes up.

Mario: Uh? Wha? Whaizzit?

Koops: There’s a shipload of Toads ahead.

Mario: Mmm.

Koops: AND A HUGE CHAIN CHOMP ON A MOTORBOAT COMING RIGHT AT US!!!

Mario: Mmm... Wait... Wha? AAAAAAAHHHH!!! TOADS!!!

Mario jumps across some really small islands, being pursued by the shipload of Toads and the Chain Chomp. Indiana Jones music plays.

Vivian: They’re gaining on us!

Goombella: Vivian, do you have any tricks you could use?

Vivian: Now that you mention it… FIERY BULLWHIP!

Vivian conjures a bullwhip and a fedora hat out of fire, and uses them to get farther. However, the pursuers go even faster.

Goombella: I was thinking more like sinking into the shadows.

Vivian: Oh, right.

Vivian grabs the entire party and sinks into the shadows. The Chain Chomp and the Toads are now going 110 miles per hour, and smack into a wall, opening a hole. Then they fly into the distance.

Mario: YES!

A Shadow Nibbles bites Mario.

Mario: OW!

In the next (and final) room…

Koops: What’s that?

Doopliss: It looks like a ship!

Koops: Well, I assume our boss battle is inside… So let’s go!

The party is now… ON! THE! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIP! And they’re inside it, too.

Goombella: Hm? Where’s the b-

A large skull with a pirate hat appears in midair.

Skull: Now, amigos, prepare to be DESTROYED by the mighty Cortez!

Mario: Who?

Cortez: ERRGHHH!!! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!!!

A pile of bones appears. Cortez uses the bones to build a body, and a hook, a rapier, a sword, and a lawsuit form appear in midair.

Doopliss: Lawsuit form?

Maguskoopa: I always forget the last weapon. Plus the form’s much scarier!

Vivian: Good point. EMBER!

The lawsuit form is incinerated.

Cortez: *sigh* This is annoying.

Koops: Oooh! What does this bone do?

Koops pulls a tiny bone from the bone pile. Cortez collapses onto the floor.

Cortez: OW! Change to form two NOW!

SHINK SHINK! Cortez rises up again, this time without weapons or arms.

Goombella: So how’re you gonna beat us?

Cortez: Like this! CHARGE RUBY SHOT!!!

A large ruby appears on Cortez’s chest and fires a large blast, which ricochets off a mirror, incinerates a mime, and destroys the bone pile.

Cortez: GAA! Change to ultimate form NOW!

SHINK SHINK! This time, Cortez’s skull and the four weapons appear separately.

Mario: Do you think you can beat–

The four weapons knock out all of Mario’s partners.

Koops: I… knew… we… should… have brought Flurrie… along… *whump*

Mario: Oh great. All I have left is…

Cortez: HAHAHAHAAA! TIME TO DIE!

Mario: -a time bomb set to two seconds… No, one second… wait…

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! All four weapons are incinerated.

Cortez: WHAT?! NO! MY WEAPONS!!!

Mario: HA! Now I’ll take the Crystal Star.

Cortez: Not so fast, amigo!

Cortez becomes a humongous skeleton with 387 weapons.

Mario: Eep.

Luigi then bursts through the side of the ship.

Luigi: It’s me to the rescue!

Luigi pulls out a Poltergust, but it doesn’t work because Cortez is a skeleton.

Luigi: Uh oh. Uhh… ATTACK, SPOOKY!!!

Spooky, the phantom dog from Luigi’s Mansion, bursts through a wall.

Spooky: Bark. BARK?!

Spooky looks at Cortez with hearts in his eyes.

Cortez: Uhh, why is he looking at me like that?!

Spooky jumps on Cortez and eats him, because Cortez is nothing but bones.

Cortez: GET HIM OFF ME GET HIM OFF!!! AAAUUUGGHHHHH! I’M NOT A MILKBONE! AUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

CHOMP!

Mario: YAY!!! THANK YOU, LUIGI!

Luigi: It was nothing.

Mario revives his partners with four 1-Up Supers.

Koops: Well, that was a piece of ca-

BOOM! A cannonball sinks the ship. Mario, Luigi, and the partners get out just in time to see Lord Crump in a large metal battleship.

Goombella: OH NO! IT’S LORD CRUMPET!

Crump: OOOOOOOOOOO!!! THAT’S IT!!! ATTACK, MY LARGE RUBBERY CLAW!

The large rubbery claw slaps Mario silly and grabs the Crystal Star.

Crump: YES!

Then the claw snaps off, causing the Sapphire Star to land back in Mario’s hands.

Mario: YES!

Crump: Not again… X-Nauts, ATTACK!

X-Nauts: Time bomb set to 3… no, 2… 1… wait-

BOOM! Crump and all the X-Nauts fly into the air.

Koops: They blasted off again! Let’s take their ship.

Doopliss: Yes, ‘cause I can fly a boat!

Koops: Not again…

Vivian: Who cares? WE DID IT!

Goombella: Yay!

Koops: All right!

Doopliss: YAHOO!

Mario: HOOHOO! MARIO’S GOT THE CRYSTAL STAR!

NOT THE END OF THE CHAPTER.

Cut to the X-Naut base.

Grodus: 3… 2… 1…

Crump: AaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-

SMASH!

Grodus: Knew it. What’s your excuse this time, Crump?

Crump: Boneheaded minions who don’t know how to set a time bomb.

Grodus: Good enough. Now go until Chapter 7.

Crump: Yes, Lord Grodus!

Crump leaves the room.

Now, with Peach and TEC…

TEC: Peach, I want you to play Wario Ware: Twisted.

Peach: That’s silly. I’m gone.

TEC: But, Peach, you shouldn’t…

Peach: Oh, shut it.

Peach opens the door to find a horde of X-Nauts.

TEC: But you really shouldn’t!

X-Naut Leader: Now, my legions, destroy that traitorous computer!

Two X-Nauts take out battle-axes and smash TEC’s hard drive.

TEC: NO! PEEAAAACCHHH!!!
………….i
…..c….ou…ld…
..re…….all…
y….go…..f….or
….s…o…me….
cheesecake…

FZZT! TEC shuts down.

Peach: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Meanwhile:

Morton: AndweddingcaketastesreallybadsoIdontevenseewhyanyonewouldthinkIlikethatgarbage
blahblahblahblahblahblahblah…

Doopliss: OH MY HEAD! MAKE HIM STOP!!!

Read BOOM!

Larry: Explosives?

Susan: Oh, Larry!

Maguskoopa: Oh no you don’t!

Maguskoopa goes bezerk and repeatedly casts “Oh my DAD it’s a huge firey meteor!” on Susan.

Charred pile of ashes formerly known as Susan: Ack! My lips are gone!

Larry: YAY FOR AUTHOR!


 
Comments, suggestions, stories, or story ideas? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Fun Fiction.
Go back to my main page.