|
Sergeant Guy: I'd take him seriously if he had a drill. without it, he's just another klutzy foot soldier. |
Dark Star: Would it kill Mario to ever find one of these in a ? Block? Yes it would! |
|
Sergeant Guy: I don't know if he has any attacks, but he works for Bowser when he's not turning traitor. Open season! |
Tanoomba: It's sad that to make a Goomba respectable takes a pair of ridiculous ears and a tail. |
The announcer:
The referee:
***
Dark Star: Hello, pathetic mortals. Welcome to this worthless battle of Roy's Sports Hall. Unfortunately, all involved have become my loyal minions, so a battle was unable to take place. However, I will attempt to reenact what could possibly be a supposedly epic battle on my own.
Pokey: Hi.
Dark Star: Oh, yes. AND POKEY WILL BE THE REFEREE!
Pokey: Yes.
Dark Star: NOW I HAVE MADE HAND PUPPETS THAT SHALL REPRESENT THE TWO FIGHTERS, WHICH SHALL BE CONTROLLED BY MY TENTACLES OF DOOM!
Pokey: Highly doomy.
Dark Star: ON MY LEFT TENTACLE RESIDES THE CHEATING CHAMPION AND TEAM FORTRESS 2 FAN, SERGEANT GUY!
"Sergeant Guy": Hello! I am the Sergeant Guy! Please do not kill me, Dark Star, as I am weak and used bots to get all of my upgrades.
Dark Star: WELL IT IS UNFORTUNATE FOR YOU, SERGEANT GUY, FOR I HAVE TAKEN OVER YOUR SOUL AND AM SURE TO DEVOUR IT! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Pokey: He's lonely.
Dark Star: AND ON MY RIGHT TENTACLE RESIDES THE CHALLENGER, THE MIGHTY AND POWERFUL TANOOKI GOOMBA, TANOOMBA!
"Tanoomba": My desire for victory is second only to my fear of the Dark Star.
Dark Star: WELL THAT FEAR IS JUSTIFIED, TANOOMBA, BECAUSE I AM THE CONQUERER OF THE UNIVERSE! AND IN THIS THIRD TENTACLE WE HAVE LARRY!
"Larry": It is my belief, oh mighty master of masters, that Sergeant Guy shall end up being the victor because Shy Guys get a lot of favoritism lately. Also the forums probably like him.
Dark Star: YES, AS THEY ALL COWER BEFORE MY MIGHT!
"Roy": Hey! Loser! I'm gonna beat you up for the Dark Star!
"Unagi": RAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRR for the Dark Star.
"Roy": I AM SUDDENLY FEARFUL OF YOU SLIGHTLY LESS THAN I AM OF THE DARK STAR! ALLOW ME TO RUN AWAY IN A MANNER BEFITTING OF LARRY, WHICH IS THE STYLE OF A YOUNG FEMALE!
Dark Star: AH, THE JOYS OF CHARACTERIZATION.
Pokey: Yes.
Dark Star: WELL I BELIEVE THE PRE-FIGHT CHARADES ARE OVER! LET THEM TEAR EACH OTHER'S HEADS OFF!
Pokey: Fight.
Dark Star: DING! DING! DING! MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
"Sergeant Guy": You fight like a dairy farmer compared to the Dark Star!
"Tanoomba": While my respect for the Dark Star is great, it is obviously a fluke, as you fight like a cow!
Dark Star: THEIR PRE-BATTLE ANTICS HAVE PARALYZED THE OTHER WITH FEAR!
Pokey: Lame.
"Sergeant Guy": Prepare to face my wrath! Sticky Bomb!
"Tanoomba": Haha! You forget that I can fly and have avoided your Sticky Bomb!
"Sergeant Guy": Curses! Your technique is nearly as powerful as the Dark Star's, but I do not mean that, as you pale in comparison. YOU ALL PALE IN COMPARISON TO THE DARK STAR! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
"Tanoomba": Well you... smell!
"Sergeant Guy": Ooh, that's it! You get a taste of my rocket launcher!
Dark Star: KA-BEWM!
"Tanoomba": Oh no! I have been damaged! I suppose I must transform into a wrecking ball!
Dark Star: SMASH! CRUSH! CRUSH!
"Sergeant Guy": GAH! You have hurt me!
"Tanoomba": I will continually crush you until this strategy has proven ineffective!
"Sergeant Guy": I see. Well I suppose at this moment it would be a good opportunity to dodge!
Dark Star: CRASH!
"Tanoomba": I have missed!
"Sergeant Guy": The window of opportunity for attack has shown itself! I shall strike with BASEBALL BAT-BASED FURY!
Dark Star: BOINK!
"Tanoomba": ARG! I have been harmed again, but to a far lesser extent than the Dark Star would bring. HE WILL CREATE A NEW REALITY THAT YOU SHALL BE UNABLE TO GIVE A NAME TO THROUGH THE SEVERITY OF YOUR PAIN!
Dark Star: INDEED I SHALL INFLICT THAT PAIN UPON ALL!
"Tanoomba": With my transformation power, I shall take the form of KING BOWSER! Grahahahaha! I am a pathetic mortal who is more powerful than you! Fear my might that pales in comparison to the Dark Star's ability! My inferior body shall be more than enough to crush you. BOWSER BOMB!
"Sergeant Guy": I must drink from my magical juice supply!
Dark Star: *glug, glug* DODGE!
"Sergeant Guy": Woohoo! Yes, I am very much hyperactive now that I have taken a drink of my sugar drink with ELECTROLYTES. What are electrolytes? They are INFERIOR TO THE DARK STAR, BUT I MAY MOVE A TRUCK WITH MY BARE HANDS! Allow me to introduce you to PAIN!
"Tanoomba": ARG! You are not supposed to have such strength! I call shenanigans on this technique.
Dark Star: I WILL ALLOW THIS TECHNIQUE AS THIS PAIN IS HUMOROUS.
Pokey: Sad. So sad.
"Sergeant Guy": HAHA! TASTE CLOSE-RANGE BAZOOKA FROM MY ROCKET LAUNCHER, YOU WEAK WEAKLING!
"Tanoomba": I have transformed again!
"Sergeant Guy": Egads! You appear to have transformed into the Dark Star! I can only cower before your might and absolute beauty! You are the most powerful being that I could possibly imagine! I am ready to surrender to you, but will not do so out of stupidity! Also my power-up has suddenly worn off!
Dark Star: NO! I SHALL NOT ALLOW SUCH BUFFOONERY! DENOUNCE THY FORM AND LEAVE IT PURE FOR THE DARK STAR!
"Tanoomba": Very well! I have taken the form of Mario! You shall be crushed by so pathetic a hero!
"Sergeant Guy": Oh no! Even my clearly superior weaponry is no match for Mario! I am cowering for no apparent reason!
Dark Star: BOING!
"Sergeant Guy": Ouch! That has done severe damage! However, I know that Mario is chivalrous and not relentle-
Dark Star: BOING!
"Tanoomba": Unfortunately for you, I am quite evil!
"Sergeant Guy": I AM CURSING TO THE DARK STAR ON THIS REVELATION! I SHALL REPEATEDLY SPAM STICKY BOMBS AROUND MY POSITION!
"Tanoomba": I have moved out of the way! You are surrounded by your own trap!
"Sergeant Guy": Fortunately I have the healing power of the sandwich to aid me!
"Tanoomba": YOU WOULDN'T DARE!
Dark Star: OM NOM NOM NOM OM!
"Sergeant Guy": AHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU SHALL BE DEFEATED, FOR I AM BACK TO FULL STRENGTH!
"Tanoomba": I DID NOT FORESEE YOUR ACROBATIC DOUBLE-JUMPING PROWESS!
"Sergeant Guy": Prepare to face fists of fury!
"Tanoomba": Ha! You call that breaking Mario's spine? I've seen bette-
Dark Star: SNAP!
"Tanoomba": ARGH! MY SPINE!
"Sergeant Guy": AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
"Tanoomba": Under my leaf is a credit card for my Swiss Bank account and the PIN number. I will give you ALL of my money if you will STOP DOING THAT RIGHT NO- GAAAAHHHHH!!!
Dark Star: PAIN! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS SUFFERING PLEASES ME! YES! DIE! SUFFER! AHAHAHAHAHA!
"Tanoomba": My legs... I CAN NO LONGER FEEL MY LEGS!
"Sergeant Guy": In this instance, I shall finish with ONE KO PUNCH! THIS IS BY NO MEANS IRONY!
Dark Star: WHAM!
"Tanoomba": Ugh...
Pokey: Stop. Tanoomba, out. Sergeant Guy, winner.
Dark Star: WELL THAT WAS AN EXCITING AND HARD-WON BATTLE!
Pokey: It really wasn't.
Dark Star: SILENCE! THESE CHANGES SHALL BE PERMANENT! SO SAYS THE DARK STAR!
Pokey: Status quo.
Dark Star: WHAT?!
Pokey: Status quo is law.
Dark Star: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED T--
WHAM!
Dark Star: MORTALS, I SHALL RETUUUUUURRRRRNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnn!
Ding!
Roy: Ugh... That was annoying.
Pokey: Where were you?
Roy: NSMBWii. Got bored of throwing Larry at stuff, though.
Pokey: Understandable.
Larry: At least you were an even easier boss than I was! I mean... ha! That was so simple!
Roy: ...
Pokey: Status quo.
Larry: What is that supposed t-
SHOCK!
Larry: BLAGITYBLAGITYBLAGITYBLAGITY- END TRANSMISSION!
The winner:
The loser:
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Now you have a choice:
You can go back and memorize the rest
of the battles.
You can go back to the Boxing
Arena, because I know you loved it so much!
Anyone who rats about the conditions
here will be personally pounded by me! If you'd like a pounding, you can
also go back to Lemmy's
Land.
