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Bowser Castle vs Count Cannoli

Announcer Referee <-Prev--Next->

***

Bowser: Bwahahahaha! This is fantastic, just ONE more fool to crush before Bowser makes his return to Round 3, YEAH!

Iggy: King Dad, you realize it's just your castle in Round 3, right?

Bowser: Castle, Me, SAME THING. I'm badder than bad, and here's what I'M predicting, chumps - Bowser Castle Vs Bowser, all-Bowser final. Bwahahahaha, and no one would stand in the way of THAT!

Larry: I think my head might explode from all the self-promotion in that match!

Bowser: You BET it will! So, I have to eat some cannoli fast enough to win, right? Oh, wait, he's some loser in a purple hat. Even easier, bwahahahahaha!

Count Cannoli: Oh, good sir. I was simply planning on forfeiting this hilarious charade once I had liberated you of all of your valuables, but this HAT, good sir, is priceless! Very well, I suppose I can... humor your contraption for another round.

Bowser: Bwahahahahaha! Steal from me? Yeah, right, like anyone cou-

Roy: Actually, King Pop, there's no portraits of you left in the castle. Or jewels. Or those pictures of the princess that you told that one Bandit to take whi-

Bowser: SHUT UP! Hmph... Fine then, I'll have the pleasure of crushing you then!

Iggy: Um... Yeah, this is Roy's Sports Hall, then.

Roy: I think we got enough pre-fight banter between King Dad yelling at himself alone.

Bowser: Who's a Koopa and a half? I'M A KOOPA AND A HALF! A CLAW-SWIPING, MACHO, INCREDIBLY HANDSOME KOOPA AND A HALF!

Iggy: Point taken. Anyway, at one side of a massive, fiery expanse we have our house that is five times as dangerous as King Dad at any given moment when he's sleeping! Oh, and King Dad at the top.

Bowser: I think it goes without saying at this point, but I'm far too AWESOME to lose this.

Iggy: And somewhere between the charred Blargg skeleton and the smell of roasting skin and tears, we have some guy who no one's ever heard of!

Cannoli: Ha! The legend of the Silver Zephyr is written in the stars, in the wind, every morning at nine o'clock AM, eight central.

Roy: No one's ever played Wario's Stupid Game About Hats For Dumb People, so shut up!

Larry: I can think of at least five people who liked Master of Disguise. It wasn't all that bad, really...

Roy: I've never heard of it so CLEARLY it's a bad game.

Larry: Clearly.

Bowser: So, Son, this is the part where you guess I win!

Larry: Nah, I'm giving it to Cannoli.

Bowser: WHAT?

Larry: Well if I'm half the jinx you think I am...

Bowser: Oh, right. Smart planning! Bwahahahahaha!

Larry: Plus I have to figure he's got the entire castle memorized from top to bottom after robbing us blind, so it's not like you're going to surprise him. The only issue is that he looks like a fat, middle-aged man, but... we have a bad track record against those. Also his boss music is really cool.

Cannoli: It is a treasured tune that goes down through centuries of the Cannoli family!

Roy: Electric guitars have existed for centuries?

Cannoli: They are strings of legend, sir, that immediately sound out the greatest of chords for all to listen to. It is a gift that my great, great, grea-

Roy: That's a STUPID reason.

Cannoli: ... I do so LOATHE this family.

Bowser: Enough expository banter! Now we fight like men! And giant turtles! And really fat dumb fatty fats like Cannoli! Because it's CRUSHIN' TIME!

Pokey: You're fat.

Cannoli: I believe we have established that.

Pokey: Just saying.

Cannoli: Sir, I respect your position, but I believe you would like your limo intact when your swarms of fangirls descend upon you after the match, true?

Pokey: Fight.

DING! DING! DING!

Bowser: I won't even break a sweat! Send in the Para-Bomb squad!

Boom! Boom! Boom!

Bob-omb: I'm red hot and ready!

Iggy: King Dad's started us off with a rain of Bob-ombs on parachutes.

Cannoli: Now, I could very well just move forward and completely dodge this move, but I'm in the mood for some... humiliation of my rivals. Hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Ka-Swing! BOOM!

Bowser: ARGH! Left tower stability's at 60 percent! You'll PAY for that, pasta gut!

Iggy: That was marginally impressive! Cannoli took out what looks like a baseball bat and launched all of the Bob-ombs right back at King Dad!

Cannoli: It's not exactly a traditional technique of mine, but I find it works fine.

Bowser: Bah! You're NOTHIN'! Bombshell Bills, BLAST 'IM!

B. Bill Launcher: Please draw the shape of a bag of money with the stylus before time runs out to activate this command.

Bowser: What?! What's stylish? FIRE! NOW!

Iggy: Oh, it seems that Cannoli took some liberties and booby-trapped some of King Dad's weaponry!

B. Bill Launcher: That is a horrible-looking bag of money.

Bowser: LOOK, I'M DRAWING AS WELL AS I CAN, OKAY?!

B. Bill Launcher: Self-destruct sequence initiated.

BOMB!

Bowser: Grrrrr! You'll PAY for that!

Cannoli: Oh, what's that? My apologies, I couldn't hear you, I was quite busy lowering your own drawbridge and casually strolling into your defenseless castle. My mistake.

Bowser: Oh, well in that case... BOWSER STATUES, FIRE!

Shoom! Shoom! Shoom!

Cannoli: Egads! Argh!

Iggy: King Dad FINALLY got a hit in with those Bowser Statues in his main lobby!

Cannoli: What kind of fool... would create a trap that only works while he's personally supervising it?

Bowser: MY kind of fool! Bwahahahahahahaha! Fire! Fire! Fire!

Cannoli: Not this time!

Shing! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Iggy: Wow, I have never seen a monocle used as a laser-reflecting device before!

Cannoli: These things just tend to be picked up.

Bowser: My beautiful statues! That's it, launch the giant boulder in the shape of my face! CRUSH HIM!

Crash! Rumble rumble rumble...

Larry: Remind me why King Dad has a giant boulder in the shape of his head positioned right in the hallway between the entrance and his throne room?

Roy: What, YOU don't have a giant boulder that looks like your head to guard YOUR room? Loser.

Cannoli: MY WORD!

Squish!

Iggy: Oooooh, RIGHT in the big, squishy nose!

Cannoli: I'm not even the most obese contestant in your silly charade!

Roy: Well it's fun makin' fun of ya.

Cannoli: Hmph. Very well, I suppose it's time to end this... GOODSTYLE!

Goodstyle: You know, it really smells in your pockets, Count.

Cannoli: Not even your snide remarks can stop me now. Now then... Transform!

Bowser: GOTCHA!

Thwomp!

Iggy: Oh, right, we have Thwomps. Forgot about those. Well it looks like the Count is pretty well squished under that thing, so...

Cannoli: Off you go!

Ka-Bang!

Bowser: You're not allowed to do that! Be dead! Now!

Iggy: Cannoli seems to be wearing some kind of costume that resembles a dragon! And he tossed that off with ease.

Cannoli: Ha! And now that we've gathered in just the right position... I thought something like this might happen...

Bowser: Oh, a bomb? Bwahahaha, what's that little thing gunna do?

Cannoli: Not much on its own. Of course, if I had happened to, say, place bombs in key structural points of this castle before the match began, and loaded this detonator, then you would be in quite a bit of trouble. But in that instance, you would probably be quite worried when I pressed this button on this remote control in my hand.

Blip!

Cannoli: I suggest you begin searching for a new living space. You have sixty seconds.

Bowser: Why... YOU! Graaaaah!

STOMP!

Iggy: King Dad just went down to Cannoli himself! Is that even allowed?

Roy: King Dad's as much of an inanimate object as the rest of the castle sometimes; I don't see why not.

Bowser: Right, that's it! Time to stomp you into dust! Sixty seconds? No problem, I'll be done in five!

Cannoli: Just TRY it, sir!

Wham! Bam! Crack!

Cannoli: ... I regret my choice of words. Please, stop trying, STOP TRY- OH MY POOR RIBS!

Iggy: Cannoli tried turning into some kind of flying thing, but King Dad just POUNDED him!

Bowser: Bwahahahaha! Yeah, YEAH!

Wham! Bam! Crunch! Smash!

Iggy: Wow, I never thought that violence was that cool, but after seeing King Dad beat up a fat Italian guy with his bare hands, I want to do that!

Larry: He's a great role model!

Bowser: Bwahahahaha! Any last words?

Cannoli: ... Thank you, Bowser. But your victory is in another castle.

Bowser: Wha-

Swipe!

Bowser: ... WHO DESIGNS THESE THINGS?!

Splash!

Iggy: Remind me why King Dad has a bridge near his throne room and an axe that anyone can grab on the other side? I mean, this is pretty humiliating...

Larry: The idea of preserving his first great victory he never had... wasn't such a good idea.

Cannoli: *huff, puff* Well, that should settle...

Cannoli Bomb: Three... two... one...

Cannoli: Mi amor...

KA-BEWM!

Cannoli: ARRRRRRRRRGH!

Iggy: Wow, the entire castle exploded! That was kinda pretty!

Larry: That said, Cannoli's not looking any better aside from being... intact.

Pokey: You alive?

Cannoli: ...

Pokey: Hi.

Cannoli: ... hello, sir... ugh...

Pokey: Bowser Castle went out first. Cannoli, winner.

Roy: Well, uh... On the plus side, King Dad's not here to beat YOU GUYS for totally screwing up our house, uh...

Dry Bowser: LARRRYYYYYYYYYYYY! IGGYYYYYYYYY! I. BLAME. YOOOOOUUUUUUUU!

Larry: A-aah! King Dad! You're alive... kinda! E-end transmission!

Iggy: Yipes! Run run RUN!